Life Is A Foreign Language

by Rayne E. Golay

  “Yes, Nina, I’ll always love you. My whole life through.”

  She believed him.

  Chapter 27

  The sun, low in the sky, bathed the world in hot colors of carmine and orange as they reluctantly prepared to leave the beach.

  “I’ll miss this place. It’s so beautiful and peaceful. Here the world is my oyster, if you don’t mind a corny expression.”

  Michael patted her behind as she bent to pick up her towel. “Today, corny expressions are allowed.”

  She swatted at his hand and jogged in the deep sand to the car.

  On their way to her house, Michael glanced at her from time to time.

  “What’s the matter, Michael? Something on your mind?”

  At first he didn’t answer, punching buttons on the radio while he steered with one hand.

  “Come on, I can tell there’s something. You’re making me nervous.”

  He pushed hair off his forehead and sighed. “You won’t like this, and I hate having to tell you, but it was decided a quite some time ago.”

  Nina dreaded what she was going to hear, not sure how to handle it. “Tell me.”

  “It’s my grandson Kevin’s birthday today. Peter and Ally arranged for the whole family to have dinner together tonight. I’m sorry, sweetie, I must go.”

  Nina’s heart skipped a beat, then started racing. Disappointment invaded her, numbing and heavy, but she wasn’t going to get into an argument because he took time to be with his family, apparently not giving her a thought. “Okay.”

  His eyebrows shot up. “Is that all you’ve got to say? Just okay?”

  Thoughts flitted through her head, anxiety and fear made breathing painful.

  He tried to take her hand, but she snatched it away, keeping it out of his reach. She sat straight, so tense the muscles in her neck started to cramp. “You drop this like a bomb. Why didn’t you tell me earlier, so I could make plans of my own for the evening?”

  With a sharp movement he turned his head in her direction before concentrating on the road again. “My mistake, Nina; I should have told you. I’m afraid I didn’t think.”

  Closing her eyes, she leaned her head against the neckrest. “Didn’t think? Because I’m not important.” She’d taken it for granted they would spend the evening together. Her mouth was filled with the acidy taste of disappointment, but she caught herself before she said things she would regret.

  “I’m sorry if you’re disappointed. Kevin’s dinner was planned a long time ago. Don’t let it upset you.”

  She shrugged. Anger got in the way of reason. It hurt that he was leaving her on her own after the intimate hours they’d shared. The familiar loneliness enveloped her like a second skin, terrifying. She wanted to get home before she started crying.

  Michael talked in a soft warm voice. “Be reasonable, Nina. I can’t just ignore a family dinner.”

  She swallowed hard. “Of course not.” She didn’t want him to neglect his family, but was she wrong in expecting that he should give her a thought, knowing that she was still struggling to find her landmarks, homesick for her own family? “Please take me home, Michael.”

  Fighting tears, determined not to let him see her cry, Nina had the passenger door open as he stopped in her driveway. Grabbing her beach bag off the floor, she dashed out of the car, slammed the door and rushed into the safety of her home before Michael could move. He called something after her, but she didn’t stop to listen.

  Her face was wet with tears, her hands trembled, and deep sobs wracked her body. Taking refuge in her bedroom she fell by the bed, hitting the floor so hard her knees hurt. She’d been flying high, filled with trust, euphoric from love and hope and happiness. With one sentence, Michael had shattered everything. She burrowed her face in the comforter, crying with soul racking sobs. The innumerable times André had left her alone, had plans that didn’t include her, flashed through her mind.

  Before long, the doorbell rang. Raising her head, she listened, holding her breath. If the caller was Michael, she didn’t want to see him or show herself the way she was, disheveled and broken. If it was somebody else, she didn’t care; there was nobody she wanted to talk to.

  Then she heard the familiar voice calling. “Nina, open up. It’s me, Sophie. I know you’re home.”

  Nina assumed Sophie had seen her rush out of Michael’s car. If she knew Nina was home, she wouldn’t relent. Slowly she stood, wobbly from kneeling. She dragged herself into the living room. From the window she saw Sophie on the porch, hand raised to ring the doorbell again.

  Sniffling, Nina dried her eyes and running nose on the hem of her T-shirt. I can never find a tissue when I need it. She called, “Go away, Sophie. Leave me alone.”

  “No, I won’t. Michael asked me to drop in because you’re upset. Please open the door.”

  “I’m all right. I’ll talk to you later.” And she turned on her heels and returned to the bedroom, closing the door behind her, as if she could shut out an intrusive world—a world that held nothing for her.

  Emotions and the chilly air-conditioning made Nina’s teeth clatter. In the bathroom she bathed her sunburned, tear-streaked face with cold water and showered to wash away the sand and salt from the beach. When her skin was dry, she slathered it with aftersun crème and slipped on an ankle-length, long-sleeved housecoat.

  In the office she rummaged among her papers. While she looked for Walter Driscoll’s number, the phone on her desk rang, but she didn’t answer, didn’t even bother to listen to the message when the machine picked up.

  Had she stopped to think, she probably wouldn’t have called Walter, but fear and despair motivated her to escape the impasse she felt with Michael, his lack of consideration for her. It’s like an echo from my life with André.

  After she dialed Walter’s office number, a glance at her watch brought the realization it was after office hours. She broke the connection and dialed his cell phone. He answered on the second ring.

  Nina made an effort to sound calm. They exchanged polite greetings.

  “This is about your e-mail, I suppose,” Walter said. “I was going to get back to you tonight from home.”

  Walter had been her supervisor for many years, but they were not close. Their relationship was professional and impersonal. She wanted an assignment, and he didn’t expect an explanation. She was free and competent, which was all he cared about.

  “If you’re available, we’ve been asked to give three lectures at the University in New Jersey starting on Wednesday. Only one subject and right in your ball park—the genetic predisposition of alcoholism. How do you like that?”

  “Good. Will there be the usual mix of professors and medical students?”

  “I guess. Some three hundred people at each lecture.”

  “How much time per talk?”

  “Forty-five minutes for your talk, fifteen for Q and A.”

  She made a quick calculation; today was Monday. She should be able to get a flight to New York tomorrow morning. She could review her notes in the afternoon in the hotel. “I’ll check flights, call you back.”

  There was a connection that would get her into JFK shortly after noon tomorrow. She made the reservation and called Walter, who promised to pick her up at the airport and book a hotel room.

  Not for a minute did she reflect on what consequences this might have on her and Michael’s relationship. Like a wounded animal, she wanted to put as much distance between them as she could. For a few days she needed to be on her own, think things through.

  Packing a carryall with a two-piece business suit, high heeled pumps, a few silk blouses, underwear and her vitamins, she kept herself busy. Anything not to think. She was taking a break for a few days. Late Friday night she’d be back. The assignment was for one lecture a day, which would leave her plenty o
f time to take stock of the situation—Michael’s role in her life, what she could and couldn’t accept. Tonight she must find the courage to let him know she was leaving. She wished she had his e-mail address, and berated herself for being a coward for wanting to avoid direct contact with him.

  Michael’s cell phone was answered by voicemail. She left a message: “I’m leaving for New York tomorrow to give a few lectures. Don’t know my hotel yet, but you have the number to my cell phone. Bye.” At the house the answering machine kicked in, and she left the same message. When she put the phone down, her hands were trembling, her whole body shook. There was something final about this.

  In the kitchen she peeked inside the refrigerator and shut it with a shudder. She couldn’t eat a thing, but prepared a mug of hot tea, which warmed her and stopped the tremors. She went to bed, unable to sleep. The phone rang once more, but again she let it be. It was past two twenty when she glanced at the clock on her bedside table the last time this miserable night. Then she drifted into a restless sleep. In the morning her pillow was damp from tears, her eyes grainy and swollen.

  Nina left home early, sneaking away like a thief before Michael could phone. She covered the distance to the airport within the speed limit, staring at the road with eyes that were blind to anything but the sun streaked asphalt. At the airport she left her car in long-term parking and checked in. As she sat near her gate, she remembered with a pang that she hadn’t told her children she’d be in New York for a few days. She dug in her deep handbag for the cell phone, but couldn’t find it. Emptying the entire wealth of the roomy bag, sorting through scraps of paper, wallet, lipsticks, a wad of tissue, but the phone wasn’t there. In her distraction she’d left it at home. She would call the children from the hotel. But Michael couldn’t reach her, and she doubted she’d have the courage to phone him.

  When the ten-ten flight was announced, she boarded with relief, comforted to escape for a few days from her problem-filled life. She welcomed being able to lose herself in the masses. Nobody who counted knew exactly where she was.

  Chapter 28

  Nina saw Walter towering over the throng of people come to meet travelers.

  His freckled face and shock of sandy brown hair made him stand out in the crowd. He slapped her on the back when she caught up to him, a comradely greeting, more vigorous than warm. Grabbing her carryall, he hurried ahead, leaving her to weave her way, almost running not to lose him in the crowd. Outside the terminal building she was hit by the strong wind, forced to lean into it, and spatters of rain immediately dimmed her glasses. Nearly blind, she groped her way to Walter’s car.

  “You made it,” he said as they were leaving the airport. “Must have been a bumpy flight in this weather.”

  “It wasn’t too bad. I’d like to go straight to the hotel, if you don’t mind.”

  “I thought so. Your first lecture is tomorrow at nine. I’ve committed you for lunch with the dean and the head of the medical faculty.”

  “Oh Walter, no. I wish you’d asked me. I’m not in the mood to socialize.”

  “I can go in your place. No big deal. What about dinner tonight?”

  “I don’t think so. I’ll have room service and go over my notes.”

  This set the tone for Nina’s stay in New York. She was here to give the lectures. For the rest, she wanted to be on her own.

  She checked into the hotel and was given a suite, courtesy of Eastman & Merrill. In the lift going to the nineteenth floor, Walter handed her the schedule for the days ahead. Glancing at it, she shook her head. “Walter, I’m not going to attend these social functions.”

  He shrugged. “I’ll cancel them.”

  Accompanying her to the suite, he entered and turned on lamps in the living room. Cozy light swallowed the gloomy day.

  He handed her an attaché case. “I brought your material. Here are your slides and handouts if you want to stick to your usual format.”

  “Thanks. This helps. I’ll look them over.”

  “If you need anything, you know where to reach me. I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning.”

  She saw him to the door and locked it behind him. Alone, she stood in the vast living room, shoulders stooped, arms dangling by her sides. She was in New York, on her own.

  Now what? It was either keep busy or sleep, and she couldn’t sleep in the middle of the day, so she changed into sports clothes she always carried with her, and went to work out for a full hour in the hotel gym. On the treadmill, she set a pace that prevented thinking. Or brooding. Afterward, in her suite, she soaked in the hot tub until she felt drowsy, and the skin on her fingers turned wrinkly.

  Dressed in a thick terry cloth robe provided by the hotel, Nina called Danny.

  Disbelief was in his voice. “You’re giving lectures in New York? I thought you were retired.”

  “I am, but that doesn’t mean I’m brain dead.” She chuckled. “I have too much energy to sit in the house and watch the grass grow. I needed an intellectual stimulant. Writing is a lonely occupation; I wanted a change.”

  “Well, why not, if it makes you happy, Mami.”

  Happy? I’m terribly unhappy.

  “Lillian and I had lunch,” Danny said. “She mentioned the twins might visit you when school lets out.”

  “Is this still conditional? I thought it was settled.” She sighed. “I’ll call her. Just wanted to let you know I’ll be away for a few days. Let’s you and I talk when I’m back in Cape Coral. Take care, chéri.”

  Before dialing Lillian’s number, Nina took a bottle of mineral water from the minibar, sipping while she waited for the connection to go through. Lillian answered, and they exchanged a few words about the twins. When Nina told her she was in New York to give some lectures, Lillian jumped right in. “So, you’re getting back in the swing, Mami. I kept wondering how long you’d last before boredom made you go back to work.” Sarcasm oozing from every word.

  “It’s not full-time employment. I’m here for a few days, that’s all.”

  “Well, if you’re going to be busy working, what’s the point of the twins coming to visit? I thought you’d be free so you could show them around, travel, do things with them.”

  “Yes, Lillian. I’ll be free this summer. We’ll go places, travel, do things together.” Nina sipped the water. “Is something wrong? Anything you care to talk about?”

  The line went silent. Nina waited.

  “No, Mami, nothing’s wrong.” Lillian’s sigh was audible. “And nothing’s right. Papa’s behavior upsets me. I miss you; I feel an orphan. And I’ll miss my girls something terrible when they leave. A whole month, Mami, can you imagine!”

  My poor baby; if only I could carry your pain. “Chérie, yes I can imagine. I still remember the first time you left to go to England as an exchange student. Half of my heart went with you. But I survived, and so will you. As mothers we have to help our children grow up by detaching from them with love.” With the fingers of her free hand Nina brushed at the tears running down her cheeks. “It’s a healthy separation, Lillian. Look at it this way; you make your mother and daughters happy, and you get to spend some honeymoon time with Jean-Luc.”

  “You’re probably right, but I can’t let them leave. I’m not ready yet.”

  Nina felt the rapid heartbeats in her fingertips as she clutched the receiver. She breathed in and out a couple of times to steady her voice. “Are you telling me you won’t stick to your promise? That you won’t allow the twins to visit as planned?”

  Nina heard a sob. “It’s too early. I’m not sure you’re not going to be too busy to spend time with them. They’re still young. Christmas or next summer isn’t too late.”

  “Let me remind you that we’ve already told the girls they can expect to visit me this summer. Have you thought of their disappointment?”

  “I’ll talk to
them, explain that there’s been a change in plans.”

  “There’s been no change in plans. Be honest with them, tell them you’ve changed your mind.” Nina’s voice broke on a sob. “I’m terribly disappointed. I never expected you to go back on your word.”

  The phone call over, Nina sat for a long time face buried in her hands, crying with long exhalations, short gasps of air. The girls would be so hurt. I don’t seem to get anything right. First Michael, now Lillian.

  After a while, Nina washed her face and, parched, swallowed the contents of half a can of club soda in thirsty gulps. To ward off the gloom she switched on the TV to a music channel, the volume low.

  As always, work was a panacea. Preparing for the lectures, Nina checked the slides and handouts. Standing in front of the mirror in the bedroom, eyes fixed on her reflection she timed her talk—fifty minutes. She could shave a minute here and there to stay within the allotted forty-five minutes.

  Nina arrived early at the University for her first talk. She stood behind the podium, letting her eyes wander over the still empty auditorium, butterflies fluttering in her stomach. She checked the equipment, placed the stack of handouts within easy reach. Standing behind the podium she watched as people started streaming in. Soon the vast room was filled to capacity.

  Falling back on years of experience as a public speaker, she delivered the lectures with professional ease. As always when standing in front of an audience, nervousness was replaced by inspiration. The current between her and the people in the full hall was palpable. The lectures were well received, and afterward she lingered, talking to people who approached her with a question or concern. The combination of lecturing and the personal contact inspired and thrilled her; as usual she felt euphoric. For a few hours each day she came alive with the challenge of passing on her knowledge.