Love, Love, Love
Page 14
“Okay, guys. We’re moving. Good luck!” Molly said. She grabbed my hand as we snaked our way through the crowds along the far wall of the room. We reached the foot of the stage on the opposite side from where Julian was and huddled together.
“Okay,” Molly said. “As soon as Julian gets off the stage, we’ll go. You head straight for the mic, and I’ll go put your CD in, okay? I’ll give you a thumbs-up sign when I’m ready.”
“I can’t do this!” My voice was laced with panic.
Molly grabbed me by both shoulders and looked at me hard, eye to eye, her face the epitome of determination. “You can do this,” she said slowly. “I promise you … you can do this. And if you need to, pretend you’re Janna Ika Ilka while you’re up there. Remember her? Janna Ika Ilka could do anything.”
I closed my eyes and breathed, summoning the spirit of my alter ego. It’s true. She’d never let me down before. I hoped tonight would be no different. I opened my eyes with a new conviction.
“Okay. I’m ready.”
Suddenly Julian’s voice came through the speakers. “All right all you Collins juniors. I’m signing out for a bit, but don’t go anywhere. Your prom king and queen will be announced in just five minutes!”
Julian took off his headphones and put on some background music before snagging his bottle of water and jumping off the stage. I turned to Molly. She was crouched at the base of the stairs, watching Julian work his way through the crowd, waiting for Emmett and Spence to intercept him. A minute later she turned around and motioned for me to follow her.
“Come on!” she said with urgency.
I was on automatic pilot now. I wordlessly followed her up the stairs and across the stage, stopping when I reached the microphone while she ran ahead and put my CD into Julian’s player. She looked at me one last time, giving me the thumbs-up sign. I flashed it back, and she pushed play.
Up until this point, no one had even noticed I was on the stage. And when the first few bars of Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York” began playing over the sound system, I still wasn’t noticed. But when I opened my mouth to sing the first line? People noticed … big time. I wish I could say it was because of my melodic singing voice, but that would be a lie. In fact, I’m not sure which was worse—the shriek of feedback emanating from the microphone or the painful sound of my off-key warbling. I do know that every, and I mean every, eye in the place was on me. I managed to get out two more lines before I started to freeze up.
The full-on stage fright took hold when I realized the spirit of my alter ego was no longer with me. And in her place was a seven-year-old girl in a yellow, sequined leotard, desperate to be anywhere but onstage. The hundreds of teenagers staring at me were my mocking audience, first eyeing me with silent confusion and shock (as in, what is that horrible sound?) before their murmurs of laughter began to fill the room. I opened my mouth to sing the fourth line, but no sound came out. Oh my God. Holy stage fright. What the hell was I doing up here?
I looked at Molly in complete distress, wide-eyed and in straight-up panic mode.
“You can do it, Janna!” She would make a fantastic stage mom someday.
I turned back to the audience. I needed to see Julian. Needed to see the look in his eyes. The accompaniment barreled on as I scanned the crowd. Where was he? Was he listening? Could he see me?
Finally I spotted him toward the back of the room near the bar. Spence and Emmett were with him, and he was just standing there, looking at me, no real emotion on his face that I could read: happy or sad. Instead, his face bore a blank stare, not unlike the one I had worked so hard to patent.
“Julian,” I said into the microphone in my Hungarian accent. Then I remembered that Janna Ika Ilka wasn’t here anymore. I was on my own. That’s the way it had to be.
“I mean … Julian.” This time I used my real voice.
Molly abruptly switched off the music, its absence filled by my trembling soliloquy.
“I … I … I … wanted to tell you how sorry I am.” I paused. I had rehearsed what I wanted to say over and over again, but the words temporarily left me. I looked at Molly again. She mouthed a message to me: You can do it.
I turned back to Julian and the roomful of people. Everyone was frozen now, staring at me, waiting to see what would come next. Maybe my stage fright had given them a case of audience fright? Hard to tell.
“I … um …” Come on, Janna! Get it together. This is it. Your big chance. Your time to do something big to get him back. Your time to be foolish. Be foolish! “I never meant to do that to you. It’s not who I am.” Suddenly the script I’d rehearsed started coming back to me, and I gained more confidence, the words coming faster.
“I may not be Janna Ika Ilka from Hungary. But I do still suck at bowling. I do still love standing on the front deck of a ferry, no matter how cold it is. I do still think Yo-Yo Ma rules.” I paused. “And I do like you. A lot. I think you’re pretty much the greatest guy I’ve ever met. And I’m so sorry for everything. I really am. I’d take it all back if I could, except then I wouldn’t have met you. So I can’t take it back. I can only say I’m sorry.”
“Get a room!” some obnoxious guy in a powder-blue tux yelled in my general direction. “Nice shirt!” someone else yelled. I looked down at my cheese T-shirt. A fool for love or not, I knew I’d pretty much just made a complete ass of myself. I looked back at Julian to see if I could gauge anything, get a sense of how he was feeling. But no could do. Especially since he was no longer even standing there.
The guy in the blue tux started yelling again. “Hey, cheese girl, get off the stage!”
“Yeah, quit ruining our prom!” I was pretty sure that last comment came from one of the chicks Molly and I had seen at the rugby game, probably a prom queen hopeful who wanted to find out if she’d won or not.
Of course, in classic Janna style, I just stood there, frozen. I had figured out what to wear, what to sing, and what to say, but I had never figured out an exit strategy. This was probably because I was operating under the delusion (fueled by Molly and Emmett’s belief) that following my declaration of love, Julian would come running up, sweep me into his arms, and carry me offstage where we’d spend the rest of the night making out. Okay, maybe the part about carrying me offstage was unrealistic, but I thought I had a real shot at the rest.
I hadn’t planned on what to do if Julian didn’t go for the making out option, though. If he actually disappeared and didn’t even acknowledge my gesture. Thankfully, true to her word, Molly was there for me. She swooped across the stage and looped her arm around mine, whipping me into the wings offstage and out of the line of fire.
“Let’s go!” I cried. The anxiety and fear and humiliation combined to push me over the emotional edge. I wanted to curl up into a very small ball and hide away in a corner somewhere far, far away. Possibly as far as Hungary.
Molly shoved her keys into my hands. “Here. Go wait in the car. I’ll find Emmett and meet you there.” Before Molly left, she turned around to look at my sobbing self and gave me a powerful hug. “You were amazing out there, Janna. You did it. You. Janna Papp. All by yourself. See? There must be some of Janna Ika Ilka in you after all.”
I let out a little laugh while continuing to cry. Molly ran off, and I ducked out the stage door, immediately finding myself alone on a loading dock. In the pouring rain, no less. I squealed as I realized I had no raincoat, no umbrella, and no idea where the car was. I jumped down from the loading dock and scoured the parking lot, finally stumbling upon Molly’s car after a good ten minutes. By the time I managed to climb in, I was completely drenched. I reached around in the backseat in search of a towel, but only came up with a pair of socks. They appeared to be clean, so I unfolded them and tried to dry my face, which was pretty much impossible since the tears were still flowing freely. I wrung out my hair with my other hand.
A moment later there was a light rapping on the window. I shoved the key in the ignition so I could roll down the wind
ow a crack. It was Emmett.
“Get in!” I shouted.
“Is Molly in the car?”
“No! She was looking for you!”
“Damn. Okay. I’ll go find her. Be right back.” The windows were already so fogged I could barely make out Emmett’s outline as he disappeared into the dark, rainy night. Sitting in the car waiting, I replayed the scene that had unfolded inside over and over again in my mind, shaking my head vigorously as I continued to cry.
I still couldn’t believe I had actually done it. And the weird thing was, even though I was embarrassed, humiliated, and definitely did not get the guy, there was just the tiniest part of me that felt something like pride. Not proud of my singing or anything like that. But proud of the fact that I had faced my ultimate fear—standing onstage and putting myself out there to be ridiculed—and survived. Maybe Molly was right. Maybe Janna Ika Ilka wasn’t as far off from who I was after all?
There was a light rapping at my window again.
“Did you find her, Emm?” I sniffled as I rolled down the window a crack.
“Find who?”
I looked up. “Julian!”
“Hi, Janna,” he said. “That is your real name, isn’t it?”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry even harder. “Yes. That’s my name.” I looked at him, his gorgeous light eyes piercing right through me, raindrops dripping off his hair, lips glistening.
“Are you okay?” he asked me. “That was a pretty wacka-doodle thing you did in there.”
I looked down and nodded, then looked back into his eyes. “Are you okay?”
“No, not really.”
I nodded again. Of course he wasn’t okay. What an insensitive thing for me to ask after everything I—
“I’m not okay because I’m getting soaked out here. Can I please come in?”
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. Of course!” I rolled up the window and slid over into the driver’s side. Julian climbed into the car, and in an instant his energy, his very presence, made me weak all over. I wanted to kiss and hug him so badly. Having him so near to me and not being able to even reach over and grab his hand was torturous. But I needed to know where he stood. I’d put it all on the line. Whether or not we had a future was up to him.
Julian let out a big sigh. I wasn’t a fan of sighing. It was so hard to know what the sigh meant. I wasn’t sure if this one was a why-did-you-crash-my-prom-and-embarrass-me-in-front-of-all-my-friends sigh or an I-thought-I-made-it-clear-that-I-didn’t-want-to-see-you-again sigh? Of course, maybe, just maybe, it was an I-can’t-live-without-you-slash-you-complete-me sigh. These were the things I was thinking about when Julian spoke up.
“So, you like me?”
I sniffed and blotted my eyes with the sock. “Yeah. I like you. A lot.”
“And is impersonating foreigners how you pick up all your boyfriends, or was I just special?”
I couldn’t tell if he was trying to make a joke or not. I also noted the use of the word “boyfriend,” which sounded so delicious coming from his mouth, especially because that meant he had thought of me as his girlfriend, at one time, anyway. I decided his question was my cue. It was time for the whole truth to come out.
“It wasn’t like that. It really did just kind of happen. I mean, I was just making a joke to Molly, and then you came up to us, and then Molly said that I was an exchange student, and, I don’t know why … I just went along with it. I didn’t tell you right away because I figured that if you thought I was from Seattle, you would never have given me a second look. I mean, I’m not exactly a guy magnet. I didn’t expect you to actually like me, didn’t expect, you know”—I looked at him deeply and motioned my hand back and forth as if displaying the invisible field of energy between us—“this. I didn’t know I was going to … fall for you. Not that what I did would have been okay even if I didn’t like you, but falling for you just made everything so much more complicated. And then I didn’t know how to tell you. The more I got to know you, the more I liked you. And the more I liked you, the more I didn’t know how to tell you. And I just kept digging a deeper and deeper hole until I didn’t know what to do. I’m so sorry you found out the way you did. I was going to tell you last Saturday morning. That’s why I called you and asked you to meet me for coffee.”
“Yeah, I figured that out after the fact,” he said. He had been listening to me intently as I explained the whole situation. Now he turned to look out the window, as if the drops of rain streaming down the outside of the window held the answer to the big question: Where do we go from here?
By then my crying had pretty much stopped. Having the whole truth out there was actually an incredibly freeing feeling. There were no longer any obstacles, any deceptions, any great secrets to hide. Of course, I knew this probably meant there was no Janna and Julian relationship, either. It was time to find out.
“Julian,” I said. “I know you probably still hate me and don’t want to see me anymore, and I understand. You have a right to feel that way. I really just want you to know that I’m sorry and that I never meant to do anything to hurt you.”
He turned around slowly to look at me. Was that a slight smile in his eyes? “But what if I do want to see you again?”
I swallowed hard. Had I heard him right? “Do you … I mean … could you ever … I mean, do you think we could try—”
Julian leaned over and shut me up with a kiss square on the mouth. He reached around and pulled me close to him, brushing my damp hair back as he continued to kiss all the fear, tension, and embarrassment out of my body. We kissed with passion and excitement and possibility for a long, long time, my heart bursting with emotion. When we finally came up for air, my body had been reduced to a pile of Jell-O. I’m quite sure I would have miserably failed a drunk driving test … there was no way I could have possibly walked in a straight line, let alone stood without swaying. Luckily, I didn’t have to.
“So, you still like me?” I said with a dopey grin on my face.
“Yes, Janna from Seattle. I still like you.”
I smiled.
Julian turned sideways to face me and leaned back against his seat. He grabbed my hand and held it in both of his. “I was really mad about what you did. I felt like you had totally played me for a fool. But this week, not seeing you or talking to you … I really missed you. Yes, the reason you got my attention in the first place was your accent. That and the fact that you were different. I like different. But what I came to like was you, accent or not. And so, even though I was so pissed off, I got to thinking that maybe the fact that you weren’t Hungarian was actually okay with me, especially if it meant you weren’t going anywhere anytime soon. You’re not, right? Moving to Hungary, I mean.”
“No!” I laughed. “I am going to Europe with Molly for a few weeks at the end of June, but that’s it. I swear.”
“Good.” He leaned over and gave me another kiss. “Anyway, after thinking about everything, I was actually planning on coming over to your house tomorrow to see if we could work things out.”
“You were?”
He nodded his head.
“You mean I didn’t have to go through with this whole ‘New York, New York’ pageant reenactment humiliation thing to prove my love to you?”
“No, I guess not. But don’t feel bad … I mean, think of how much more exciting you made my prom!” Julian laughed.
My face turned red in embarrassment. He was right. I was that crazy girl people would tell stories about for years to come. “About that. I’m so sorry if I embarrassed you. I didn’t realize until just now that you might get a lot of abuse for having the freaky girlfriend in the cheese shirt crash your prom and sing bad karaoke.”
“Don’t be. I’m not really concerned about what my fellow classmates think of me. Besides, while they’re all in there celebrating the prom king and queen, I’ve got my own pageant queen right here.”
We laughed and kissed again.
“Speaking of which, we should probab
ly go back inside and find your friends.”
Oh, yeah. Molly and Emmett were still in there somewhere. What had happened to them? “Okay. But do me a favor? Don’t leave me when we get inside. There’s some guy in an ugly blue tux who is kinda freaking me out.”
Julian laughed. “Don’t worry. It’ll be you and me in there, together. And if anyone gives us a hard time, we’ll just sic Spence on them.”
We got out of the car and slushed our way through the parking lot puddles, arm in arm. I think it had stopped raining. I can’t really be sure. All I knew was that Julian and I were together. I’d gotten my happy ending after all.
When we got into the ballroom, the lights were low, and a slow song was playing. We scanned the crowd for Spence, Molly, and Emmett. We eventually spotted Molly and Spence on the dance floor, dancing. Together. How long had we been out there? Had hell really frozen over?
We walked up to them, and I tapped Molly on the shoulder. She turned around and burst into a huge grin when she saw me and Julian together, most likely also noticing my lipstick was smeared off and I had that dazed look in my eyes she is all too familiar with. She squealed in delight and roughly pulled me into a hug.
“I knew it! Emmett and I went out to check on you a while ago and we saw you guys in the car, so we left you alone to work things out,” she explained. She looked back and forth between Julian and me. “So, is everything okay?”
I smiled my goofy smile again and leaned my head against Julian’s shoulder.
“See, Spence, I told you so!” She gave him a high five.
“What’s going on here?” Julian asked Spence suspiciously, motioning back and forth between him and Molly.
“Nothing’s going on. We’re just dancing,” Spence said.