Bart’s King-Sized Book of Fun
Page 5
Socialize (NOT online!)
Go to a coin shop (this is surprisingly fun)
Ride a bike
Volunteer
Play cards
Hike
Join a Mustard-of-the-Month Club
Collect air-sickness bags
Take photos of yourself using your air-sickness bags
Camp
Snowboard/ski
Collect wrapping paper
Hang out with animals
Go bowling
Learn a new dance
Go to see a play
Put on your OWN play
Shoot pool
Go to the beach
Sing Estonian show tunes
In the country of Estonia, the most popular hobby is singing in a choir. This makes sense to me. It can be pretty fun to sing in a choir. First, you get to sing really loud and no one yells at you. Instead, people yell WITH you...in harmony! And second, there’s nothing like that feeling of being part of a larger group, a group that has one voice, together, building to one great note! (This must be especially fun if you’re singing in Estonian.)
There’s No Business Like Snow Business!
According to the American Hobby Association, “folding and cutting paper” is the third-most-popular hobby among kids. That means the odds are pretty high you’ve done the project where you make a snowflake out of paper.
But be warned! An expert on ice formation named Professor Thomas Koop recently complained that many paper snowflakes don’t have six points. In nature, almost every snowflake is “hexagonal” in this way.
So if you accidentally cut out a snowflake that has eight points, it is a “fake flake” and must be DESTROYED IMMEDIATELY!
* * *
[8] Yes, some people are capable of filling their pants with gas without any help.
[9] To make fake blood, take one cup of corn syrup and add ten drops of red food coloring and one drop of green food coloring. Stir and apply!
[10] Chuck Klosterman once wrote, “In the 10,000 year history of facial hair, no one has ever looked nonidiotic with a soul patch.” (Klosterman has a full beard.)
[11] The first one I ever did, I misunderstood how they worked and brought home a raccoon, a buzzard, and a coyote.
Wild Words
You may think it’s impossible for words to be fun. But since “fun” IS a word, I disagree!
If you think that’s the weakest argument of all time, you might be right. So let me quickly move on to say that good writers can arrange words so well, their work practically becomes a form of art.
You can do this, too! For example, try combining two words to form a new word. It’s perfectly legal! Let’s say you’re trying to wipe a kid’s face after a meal, but he’s squirming and wiggling around too much. So you say, “Stop squirmling!” He’ll be so impressed, you’ll get the rest of that stew off his face without a hitch.[12]
By being creative, people can come up with marvelous new words and phrases. But other times they say things that are just plain dopey! Here are a couple of my favorites:
In 2009, a convicted bank robber named Trammel Bledsoe was waiting for the judge to sentence him when he said, “Can you hurry this up? I don’t have time for this.”
Judge Lawrence F. Stengel answered, “You’ll have all the time in the world.” Then he gave Bledsoe forty-one years in prison.
And politician Barbara Boxer once declared, “Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank goodness I’m still alive.’ But of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.”
Hmmm, clearly, words can get you into trouble. In fact, some words are so troublesome, you shouldn’t even THINK them. You know what words I’m talking about! Words like (dare I write it?) “meep.”
Yes, meep! “Meep” became a bad word when the kids at a school in Massachusetts started using it one day. Of course, there’s nothing really wrong with meep. It’s just an innocent word from the Muppet Show that doesn’t mean anything at all. But if a whole lot of students start meeping, you can see how there wouldn’t be much learning. So the school banned “meep”!
This actually made “meep” seem like a tough word from the bad part of town. But because of reverse psychology, many people who had always ignored “meep” then started using it. Popular ways to use meep now include:
An expression of happiness. (Example: You get up and the sun is shining. “Meep!”)
A greeting. (Example: You greet the sun. “Meep!”)
An expression of surprise. (Example: The sun goes supernova and explodes. “Meep!”)
This is so cool! Hey, I just read about how scientists can combine the cells of a goat and a sheep so that they grow into an animal called—wait for it—the geep!
In addition to naming new animal species, words can also be handy tools for getting at the truth. Heck, if someone says something that you agree with, a decent slang response is “Word.”
Parent: This Fun book was a questionable purchase.
You: Word.
But for some reason, many people insist on using words in a way that confuses the truth! This happens to your parents when they go to work. They get messages like these all the time:
“This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”
“What we need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.”
“We know that communication is a problem, but we’re not going to discuss that now.”
To help avoid confusion, you know what would be a good idea? If we had an international language! That way, people of all nations could understand each other and the world would be a better place. I’m not the first person to think of this. In the 1920s, a group called the League of Nations recommended the same thing! They even had a language picked out. It was called Esperanto, and it was an easy-to-learn combination of Spanish, French, English, Greek, and other European languages.
All the League of Nations members agreed except for one: France! At the time, French was thought of as the international language. And France fought so hard against Esperanto, everyone kind of gave up on it.
And so the world never got around to communicating. (Thanks, France!)
Today, we’re stuck with hundreds of different languages. Heck, even when you think you’re speaking English, an American can go to England and be misunderstood. That happened to me. I was in a London bookstore when I hit my elbow on a shelf. As I grabbed my elbow in pain, the bookstore owner asked if I was all right. And when I answered, I forgot that the word “bum” means “butt” in England!
“Yeah,” I said, “it’s just that I have a bum elbow.”
First, the bookstore owner looked at my elbow.
Then she started to glance down at my backside, but caught herself. So she just gave me a look of confused concern.
Anyway, since I already went to the trouble of writing this book in English, let’s talk about it. English is definitely a quirky, fun-loving language! One unusual thing about English is that it includes words from all over the world. Here are a few of my favorites!
bowerbird: A person who collects useless objects.
crambazzled: A word that describes someone who looks older than he is.
deipnosophist: A person who’s fun to talk to.
fornale: Spending money before you have it.
mulligrub: Depression.
nudnik: An annoying, boring person.
onomatomania: Anger at not being able to find the right word.
petrichor: The nice smell that comes with the first rain.
shot clog: An annoying friend whom you put up with because he or she buys you stuff.
stridewallop: A tall, awkward woman.
twack: A shopper who asks a lot of questions but never buys anything.
It was in the United States that one of the coolest words of all time was invented: puckerstopple (to be embarrassed). Sadly, this word is not used much anymore, which is
a great source of puckerstopplement for me. Other awesome words made in the USA include:
goshbustified: Very pleased.
glomp: To jump and hug someone from behind.
sockdologer: A heavy blow.
blustrification: Celebrating loudly.
dumfungle: To use up.
absquatulate: To leave quickly.
Group Nouns Rock!
One hippopotamus is called a hippopotamus. Duh! But what is a bunch of hippopotamuses (or hippopotami) called? A “bloat.”
Knowing this will come in handy the next time you’re riding your bike to school and you need to say, “Look! A bloat of hippopotami!”
There are lots of other group nouns that are interesting—like these!
A flange of baboons.
A rhumba of rattlesnakes.
A business of ferrets.
A scourge of mosquitos.
A knot of toads.
A mob of emus.
An unkindness of ravens.
But sometimes it might be better just to invent a cool group name for something. For example, a bunch of butterflies is usually called a swarm. But that makes them sound like grasshoppers! I think that “a rainbow of butterflies” is much better. And I’m not even sure what it should be, but I’ve decided to use “a plateful of platypuses” the next time I see more than one platypus. It’s only a matter of time!
A gentleman named David Malki! (that’s how he spells it) came up with the following labels for more unusual creatures:
A lawn of gnomes.
A dignity of dragons.
A snarl of minotaurs.
A lunacy of werewolves.
A flurry of yeti.
A basement of vampires.
A vexation of zombies.
A clamor of clones.
A jake of Jedi.
A tournament of Predators.
A clangor of robots.
A torment of ogres.
A malevolence of trolls.
A cackle of mad scientists.[13]
Someone Tell Me What the Meep Is Going On!
As everyone knows, “#$%@&!” is a bad word. To learn more about this, ask an informed adult or hamster why “number sign/dollar sign/percent/ampersand/and/exclamation point” is so horrible. (And then explain it to me!)
This Is Me!
When it comes to answering the phone, “Hello?” is not a fun word to use. I mean, that’s what EVERYBODY says. And if life has taught me anything, it’s that if everyone else is doing something, it’s probably not as fun as it could be. (The only exceptions to this are blinking, eating ice cream, and wearing black socks.)
As you know, Alexander Graham Bell (the inventor of the phone) thought people should say, “Ahoy!” when answering the phone. Too bad that idea didn’t stick. If it had, we’d have “Ahoy Kitty!” lunch boxes and pencil cases everywhere! (My, that is droll.)
Phone Fun: When my brother answers the phone, he sort of draws out his first word so that it sounds like “YEL-low?” (I then say, “Orange!” but my brother has never found that funny.)
But it’s not like early phone users started using “Hello” right away. In fact, picking up the phone and saying “Hello” was considered rude, and even vulgar! (Seriously.) But it turned out to be so handy, you can travel to almost any country on the planet today and answer the phone with a “Hello” and it will work.
How can we escape from the horrible tyranny of “Hello”? Back in the old days, the British answered this way: “Are you there?” (Of course, you were likely not to have a connection back then.) Some other possibilities are:
“This is Bart.” Note: This only works if your name is Bart.
“Good-bye.” This will totally blow your caller’s mind, especially if you then hang up!
“Go.” Wow! In one syllable, you just stated that you’re there and the other person should start talking. (“Speak” could also work, but people might think you’re talking to a dog!)
“nuqneH?” This is Klingon for “What do you want?” It gets right to the point, which is especially fun if you’re a Klingon.
Funny-Sounding Words!
A television program called The Goon Show identified lurgy, needle nardle noo, ploogie, and plinge as some of the funniest words ever. (They’re all made up.)
Fun Nicknames!
I like almost all nicknames. I also like learning how people get them. For example, some people have “sound effect” nicknames. In fact, I have a sister who got her nickname because as a toddler, she often climbed out of her bed and fell to the floor.
Boom.
No worries. She was okay.
But what really sealed the deal was the time Boom fell down the stairs.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Boom was still okay! In fact, I cried more than she did when this happened. (I’m very sensitive.)
A great way to get a creative nickname is to let someone from another country give you one. For example, the Chinese nickname for basketball player Carlos Boozer is Betrayal Skull Dude. Wow! And Chinese crowds cheer wildly for Kobe Bryant, aka the Little Flying Warrior. (But maybe something’s being lost in the translation, because Kobe isn’t little!) The Chinese gave a less flattering nickname to bicyclist Jeannie Longo Ciprelli. Since she has competed in seven different Olympic Games, Ciprelli is affectionately known to the Chinese as “Grandma.”
Not cool!
Getting back to my sister, Boom is a pretty cool nickname. In fact, I’ve been thinking about it, and almost ANY nickname that isn’t totally insulting is pretty awesome. However, there is a boy nickname I would skip: Skip. The problem with “Skip” is that it’s just a small jump to “Skippy”! And no human should ever be called the same thing as peanut butter. (So I guess “Chunky” is a bad nickname, too.)
Maybe I have such a high tolerance for nicknames because my real name is “Bart.” What a rip-off! But things could have been worse. In fact, here is the story behind the worst nickname of all time:
The great artist Michelangelo finished his masterpiece The Last Judgment in 1541. It was awesome! A classic! Incredible!
But even so, some people had a problem with the painting. You see, The Last Judgment was a big painting with lots of people...and over three dozen of the men shown in the masterpiece were naked. Yikes! So another artist was picked to paint underwear. Lots and lots of underwear.
The lucky person picked for the job was Danela da Volterra. But he is better known today for his nickname, Il Braghettone: The Underwear Man.
This is incredible. Now I can talk about underwear AND nicknames! Did you know that underwear didn’t even get invented until the 1800s? Before that, people left skid marks everywhere. Ugh. Though underwear today goes by names like “skivvies” or “tightie whities,” its first nicknames included “unmentionables” and even “unwhisperables.”
That’s right, you couldn’t even whisper about your underwear!
We have a healthier attitude about underwear these days. Not only do people say the word out loud, but the Australians have come up with a rich variety of nicknames for underwear Down Under!
Acca Daccas
Bog Catchers
Boggle Pants
Boodundies
Bum Baggers
Bumberdaks