Bart’s King-Sized Book of Fun
Page 11
A: There was one mother, her daughter, and her daughter’s daughter. This equals two mothers and two daughters...but only THREE people!
Q: How many times can you subtract 3 from 15?
A: Just once, and then it’s not 15 anymore.
Q: No man wants to have this. But once he has it, no man wants to lose it. What is it?
A: A bald head.
Q: When you have this, you feel like sharing it. But if you do, you don’t have it anymore. What is it?
A: A secret.
Q: One person can hold one.
Two people can share one.
But with three people, it disappears entirely.
What is it?
A: It’s still a secret!
Q: What’s the difference between an old dime and a new penny?
A: Nine cents.
Q: A man kills his brother in front of many witnesses, including reporters and police officers. Even so, he’ll never be charged with a crime. Why?
A: He was an executioner, and his brother had been sentenced to death. (Yeesh!)
Q: On a football team, which player wears the biggest helmet?
A: The one with the biggest head.
Q: A cowgirl rode into town on Friday. She stayed one night, and then rode out again on Friday. How is this possible?
A: Her horse is named Friday.
Q: It was a terrible storm, but the man caught in it didn’t get wet at all. How come?
A: It was a sandstorm.
Q: What’s the difference between a toilet and a chair?
A: If you don’t know, you’re never coming to my house again!
Q: A family has five sisters, and each sister has one brother. How many kids are in the family?
A: Six. Each of the five sisters has only one brother. Add that one brother to the five sisters, and you have six.
Q: It has cities but you can’t live in them.
It has oceans but there’s no swimming.
It has forests but the trees can’t be climbed.
What is it?
A: A map.
Wow, after all that laughter and thinking, we should probably stop now. But there is only ONE way to end this excellent chapter: with a turtle riddle!
Q: Imagine you’re in a sinking canoe surrounded by starving alligator turtles. How can you survive this horrible fate?
A: Stop imagining.
* * *
[18] And if you don’t know someone like that, you may be someone like that!
[19] I overheard it because I was the teacher.
[20] Bonus: It’s a joke within a joke!
[21] Although the punch line can be anything nonsensical, “No soap, radio!” has been used for decades.
[22] Darkness
Hilarious Holidays
The cool thing about holidays is that they don’t come along every day. Er, hang on—strike that. Holidays DO come along every day. Apparently, there is nothing unusual about them at all. Rats![23]
Ooh, I have a special offer! Anyone who celebrates all of the holidays in this chapter is eligible to win a free car![24] So get on over to the party store and get ready to celebrate Blame Someone Else Day. This wonderful holiday is celebrated on the first Friday the 13th of the year. It could also be called Irresponsibility Day, because it’s a time to celebrate all the things you didn’t do. (But be careful. If someone else finds out about this day, they just might be blaming YOU!)
January
International Creativity Month, National Prune Breakfast Month, National Oatmeal Month, It’s Okay to Be Different Month, and International “Get Over It” Month. Also includes “Someday We’ll Laugh About This” Week and National Fresh-Squeezed Juice Week.
January 1: This day is in NO way special...except it is Get a Life Day. But that’s it! Now move along, there’s nothing to see here.
Attack of the Goblins!
From December 25 to January 6 are the Days of the Kallikantzaroi! The Kallikantzaroi are small Greek goblins who live underground most of the year. There they carbo-load on worms, snakes, and frogs. But starting on December 25, their annual aboveground funfest starts. But what’s fun for a Greek goblin is un-fun for the rest of us. The goblins pee in flowerbeds, spoil food, tip things over, and break furniture.
Amazingly, the Kallikantzaroi are popular in Greece. People aren’t frightened of them, since there are traditional and fun ways to keep the troublemakers away, like burning an old shoe. Awesome!
January 2: Run It Up the Flagpole and See If Anyone Salutes Day
January 3: Drinking Straw Day and Humiliation Day
January 4: Trivia Day
January 5: Great Fruitcake Toss. A day for tossing, hurling, and launching leftover fruitcakes! (Or at least it is in Manitou, Colorado.)
January 7: Rock Day and “I’m Not Going to Take It Anymore” Day
January 8: Bubble Bath Day and Women’s Day in Greece. Women in Greece do absolutely no housework. Instead, they hang out in cafes and go shopping. Men are supposed to work in the home, vacuuming and cleaning. (And if they get caught outside, they may be drenched with water!)
January 10: Peculiar People Day
January 11: International Thank-You Day. Hey, do you know when International “You’re Welcome” Day is? Neither do I. Thanks for nothing! (This is also Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day.)
January 13: International Skeptics Day. A good day to question EVERYTHING ...including why there is a holiday for this!
January 14: Dress Up Your Pet Day. (Trust me, your goldfish will LOVE this.)
January 16: National Nothing Day
January 18: National Thesaurus Day and Winnie the Pooh Day. You got a problem with that?
January 20: Penguin Awareness Day
January 21: Squirrel Appreciation Day
January 22: Answer Your Cat’s Question Day*
January 23: National Compliment Day and National Pie Day. Ooh, you could compliment someone’s pie! Just make sure they understand what you mean when you say, “My, your crust is so elegant and dry.” (Oh, this is also Measure Your Feet Day.)
January 25: Opposite Day
January 27: National Chocolate Cake Day and Thomas Crapper Day. Crapper was an Englishman who helped perfect the flushing toilet in the 1800s.
January 28: National Kazoo Day and Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
January 29: National Corn Chip Day
January 30: National Inane Answering-Machine Message Day*. “Inane” means “senseless,” so leave a message on your machine that makes no sense!
January 31: Backward Day. Thank goodness this is different from Opposite Day. Otherwise, the pressure would be too great!
* More information on starred holidays at www.wellcat.com
February
Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month, Canned Foods Month, and National Snack Food Month. Also includes International Flirting Week, Get Paid to Shop Week, National Pancake Week, and International Friendship Week.
February 2: Groundhog Day. I’ve never understood this holiday. (Please don’t explain it to me; I’m happier this way.)
February 3: Bean-Throwing Festival in Japan. Throw beans into the corners of houses to drive out evil spirits. (And remember to say, “Devils out, happiness in!” while you do it.) Hanging sardine heads from your doorway also gets the evil spirits to back off...along with most people you know.
February 4: Thank a Mailman Day
February 7: Love Your Robot Day
February 9: Toothache Day. The Toothache Fairy will take a swing at your jaw if you’re not flossing properly. Underwear Day in Brazil!
February 11: Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day. Hey, since this is also Bun Day, maybe you can wipe up the spilled milk with your buns!
February 12: International Pancake Day and Darwin Day
February 13: Get a Different Name Day*
February 14: Ferris Wheel Day and International Quirkyalone Day
February 15: National Gum Drop Day
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February 20: Battle of the Flowers. In southern France, a day to throw flowers at anyone you want!
February 22: World Thinking Day
February 24: Fastelavn. In Denmark, children get to poke their parents awake with decorated sticks. Nursery schools have events called “Slå katten av tønnen” (“knock the cat off the barrel”). Children hit a wooden barrel with a stick and try to knock a stuffed cat off the top!
February 26: For Pete’s Sake Day*
February 27: No Brainer Day
February 28: Public Sleeping Day. (In other words, take a nap in a public place!)
March
National Peanut Month, National Noodle Month, National Kidney Month, National Frozen Food Month, and Optimism Month. Also includes Celebrate Your Name Week, National Chocolate Chip Cookie Week, and National Procrastination Week.
March 1: National Pig Day
March 2: Babysitter Safety Day
March 3: I Want You to Be Happy Day
March 6: National Procrastination Day
El Colacho!
Spain’s El Colacho festival is usually held every March in the town of Castrillo de Murcia. Dating back to 1620, the festival is designed to drive evil away from the town with baby jumping!
Jumping over babies, I mean.
Here’s how it works. First, a parade focuses all the resident evil in Castrillo de Murcia’s church. The townspeople accomplish this by having men dressed as devils (well-dressed devils!) gather there.
Meanwhile, a bunch of babies are laid down outside the church. Nooo!
On a signal, the devils run out of the church, jump over the babies, and then keep going. This removes all evil from both the infants and the town. (It’s a symbolic thing.) An amazing side effect of all this is that the babies are instantly potty trained!
Not really. (That would be cool, though.)
March 8: Uppity Women Day
March 9: Backstabbers’ Day
March 10: Middle Name Pride Day
March 13: Ear Muff Day
March 15: Dumbstruck Day
March 16: Everything You Do Is Right Day
March 17: Submarine Day
March 18: Forgive Mom & Dad Day
March 20: Extraterrestrials Abduction Day
March 22: International Goof-Off Day and Near Miss Day
March 25: International Waffle Day (aka Våffeldagen in Sweden)
March 26: Make Up Your Own Holiday Day*
March 26: Teacher’s Day. In the Czech Republic, all teachers get gifts from their students. Impress your own teacher by celebrating this holiday, and see if it affects your grade!
March 28: Something on a Stick Day
March 29: Happy Day
March 30: I Am in Control Day
April
National Humor Month, National Welding Month, International Twit Award Month, National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Month, National Smile Month, and National Twinkie Month. Also includes National Karaoke Week, Egg Salad Week, Dumb Week (celebrated in Greece), Wildlife Week, and National TV Turnoff Week.
The first Monday back at school after spring break isn’t exactly a holiday—it’s called Black Monday. The third Thursday of April is National High-Five Day, when people can freely exchange high-fives with anybody. The Monday after Easter is Dingus Day, which is pretty weird. April also has Cussing Day!
What Are They Throwing? (And Why Does It Smell So Bad?)
On the third Saturday in April, the World Cow Chip Throwing Championship Contest takes place in Beaver, Oklahoma. This competition involves people throwing pieces of dried cow poop! The tradition stems back to when Native Americans used dried buffalo chips to burn for fires. Later on, white settlers did the same thing, harvesting cow chips from their pastures to stockpile for the cold winter months. Whole families would go out to chuck cow pies into their wagons. It was a cow chip throwing frenzy!
Since 1970, it’s also been a competition! But contestants have to be careful when throwing their cow poop. As the official chow chip throwing Web site says, “Wind velocity and direction play an important role.”
April 1: National Hug Your Newsperson Day. In Scotland, they call this Huntigowk Day!
April 2: National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
April 3: International Pillow Fight Day
April 4: Tell a Lie Day
April 7: No Housework Day*. If someone suggests you do some housework, quote the philosopher Baruch Spinoza: “Nature abhors a vacuum.”
April 9: Name Yourself Day
April 10: National Siblings Day
April 12: International Teens Against Zits Day and Big Wind Day
April 14: International Moment of Laughter Day
April 15: Festival of the Sardine in Spain
April 17: Cheeseball Day and Children’s Day. In Turkey, kids take over the government and get free ice cream and movies—all day!
April 18: International Jugglers Day
April 20: Look-Alike Day
April 21: Kindergarten Day
April 24: Pig in a Blanket Day
April 26: Hairball Awareness Day
April 30: National Sense of Smell Day and Hairstyle Appreciation Day
May
National “Get Happy” Month, More Than Just a Pretty Face Month, National Egg Month, Creative Beginnings Month, National Salsa Month, and National Hamburger Month. Also includes Be Kind to Animals Week and National Backyard Games Week.
The first Thursday of May is Space Day. Oh, and most important, National Digestive Disease Week is celebrated at the end of the month!
May 1: Save the Rhino Day
May 2: Brothers and Sisters Day (let’s give a shout-out to our brothers and sisters!)
May 3: Hug Your Cat Day and Lumpy Rug Day
May 4: Kite Day
May 5: Unmothers Day, Slow Down Day, and Hoagie Day
May 6: No Homework Day*
May 8: Furry Day
May 9: Lost Sock Memorial Day
May 11: Twilight Zone Day
May 13: Frog Jumping Day
May 14: Dance Like a Chicken Day
May 16: Love a Tree Day and Sea Monkey Day
May 18: Mike the Headless Chicken Day
May 21: Other Mother’s Day
May 23: World Turtle Day
May 24: National Escargot Day. Time to eat some snails!
May 25: National Tap Dance Day
June
National Accordion Awareness Month, Aquarium Month, National Hermit Week, Frozen Yogurt Month, Candy Month, and National Pest Control Month. This is also the month the world celebrates International Pickle Week.
The first Friday in June is National Doughnut Day, and the first Saturday in June is Change Your Mind Day. World Juggling Day also bobbles around this month.
Hollerin’ Contest Day
This most excellent holiday is celebrated on the third Saturday in June. What makes it especially appealing is that it gives us a chance to scream and yell as loud as possible. No, I mean YELL! And try to find out who has the biggest leather lungs around. (But before you do this, you might want to warn the neighbors so they don’t think someone’s being murdered.)
If you’re in the neighborhood, swing by Spivey’s Corner in North Carolina. That’s where the National Hollerin’ Contest is held each year.
June 1: Dare Day, Flip a Coin Day, and International Child Protection Day. To celebrate Child Protection Day, babies compete in a crawling race in Lithuania. (Really.)
June 3: National Hug Your Cat Day
June 6: National Yo-Yo Day
June 8: Best Friends Day
June 9: Donald Duck Day
June 11: National Hug Day. The beauty of Hug Day is that after you get one hug, refills are free!
June 15: Smile Power Day
June 18: National Splurge Day and International Panic Day
June 19: World Sauntering Day
June 22: Mirthday!
June 24: Stalk Like a Ninja Day (Yes!)
June 26:
Shrimp Festival Day. A day to celebrate seafood and short people.