by Bart King
Problem: The kids you’re babysitting say that you’re no fun. (Gasp!)
Solution: Break out the Fun Emergency Kit! You’ll need to prepare it beforehand, of course. What to put in it? Well, let me think...some candy, a yo-yo, and playing cards, for starters. Oh, and money! What Fun Emergency Kit doesn’t have a $5 bill in it?
Problem: You think that the child you’re taking care of won’t go to the bathroom because she’s afraid of the toilet.
Solution: Be sympathetic! Try to remember how scary a toilet can be to a little kid. First, it makes a scary sound when it flushes. Second, it’s big and cold. Third, there’s always a chance that she could fall into the toilet.
Heck, now I’m afraid of it!
Problem: You’re in charge of a boy who pees all over the toilet.
Solution: It helps to give a male something to aim at while peeing. (This is why many urinals have pictures of flies on them.) So try throwing a Cheerio into the toilet before he pees. This will keep his pee stream IN the bowl instead of all over it!
Bathroom Fun!
Put on a cowboy hat. Go in the bathroom. Leave the door open. Get on the toilet backward. With one hand, wave the hat over your head. Next, yell, “Yee-haw!” and slap your thigh with the other hand. Then leave.
Problem: The parents of the kid you’re babysitting expect you to clean up her room before she goes to bed.
Solution: Politely explain to the parents that you don’t even clean up your own room!
Problem: Despite your warnings, the kid you’re watching spins around really fast and then suddenly stops. When he does, his face skids around to the back of his head.
Solution: Wow, I didn’t even know that was possible! Just stay calm and have the child spin in the opposite direction for the same amount of time. Then tell him to stop. This should move things back to where they belong.
Problem: That kid is grouchy!
Solution: Take a picture of the child’s face while she is grimacing. Show the picture to her and challenge her to make an even grumpier face. Show her that picture, too, and before you know it, she’ll be laughing and in a good mood again!
Then make her go to bed.
One Last Fun Emergency: Yours!
Your parents have the best intentions, but sometimes they can be overprotective, which might hurt your chances to have fun. To deal with this issue, your first step is to be responsible. You need to show your parents you’re committed to safety. So the next time you sit down to read a book, put on a football helmet. Or wear protective goggles when you brush your teeth! (When asked why you’re doing this, try not to smile when you say, “You can never be too careful.”)
* * *
[32] In other words, no cat has ever starved to death from being “stuck” in a tree. When it wants to come down, it’ll come down!
The Marvels of Exploration
Hey, are you going on a trip anytime soon? Great! But before you leave, you have to steal something.
That sounds wrong, doesn’t it? While crime doesn’t usually pay, this innocent crime will add a little fun to the world. Here’s what you’re going to do: Get your hands on a small item that a friend or relative owns. This may be something the person keeps in his or her locker or bedroom, but just make sure it’s not something the person is going to need while you’re gone! So a cell phone would be a bad choice, but a knick-knack would be good.
Definitions: A lie is bad, but a “white lie” is okay, right? So if you get caught pilfering your item, say, “I’m not a thief! I was just making a small white theft.” (On second thought, just don’t get caught.)
After “borrowing” that knick-knack, you’re going to pull an Amélie. What, you’ve never seen that movie? Well, in Amélie, there’s a French girl named Amélie (who knew?). And she steals her father’s garden gnome.
Like me, you may find gnome-napping to be shocking. But wait, there’s more! Amélie works out a deal with a flight attendant, who takes the gnome on a world tour. The flight attendant takes pictures of the gnome in front of famous landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, the Great Wall of China, and Thor Mountain. And these photos are then mailed to Amélie’s dad. Naturally, he finds this all very amazing! After logging thousands of miles, the gnome mysteriously returns home, along with a photo album of his travels!
This provides everyone with a good laugh, and it inspires Amélie’s dad to travel. As for the gnome, I’m guessing he was glad to be back!
So, I don’t want you to copy Amélie, but copy Amélie. Photographing someone else’s [insert possession here] in faraway places will be fun. Then, when you return, you need to try to sneak the person’s [insert possession here] back where you found it! As to the photos, you could print them out or just set up a photo page on a free photo-sharing Web site. Then send your “victim” the link!
Close to Home
So WHERE do you think you’ll be going? If you’re anything like me (we can only hope!), you like to get a map of the world, point to various places on it, and say, “Someday, I’m going THERE.” (I hope you’re not choosing spots in the middle of the ocean when you do this.) Set your compass for the tropics, and your course for adventure! Or if that’s too much trouble, just get a Slurpee and dream about the cool places you might travel to someday.
Let’s start close to home. In the summer, you’re probably not too far from a county or state fair...or maybe a carnival of some sort! I admit there is one very good reason NOT to go to these things: you might step in a horrible combination of pig poop, cotton candy, gum, and the barf of some kid who rode the Zipper one too many times.
But go anyway! Heck, you can always hose off your shoes. Plus, you might win fabulous prizes from the nice men and women who work at the carnival games. These fast-talking “carnies” may sometimes seem a little scary, but they love to deliver goodies to clever people (like you!) who have earned it. Follow these strategies for victory:
Making Baskets: Okay, the odds will be stacked against you. Your ball will be overinflated and the hoop will be smaller than regulation size. This will make it hard to sink a shot! The key is to either shoot a PERFECT bank shot or to arc the ball way up high so that it comes straight down through the hoop. Good luck.
P.S. If you try a game where you throw coins onto glasses, do the same thing. Gently toss the coin up high so that it has a better chance of landing (and staying) where you want it.
Shooting Play Guns: When you’re playing a shooting game, the problem is that the sights on the gun are probably way off. (I’m sure this is some kind of accident!) During your first few shots, stay calm and don’t expect to hit anything. Instead, try to take careful note of where your shot is actually going. Then adjust your next shots accordingly!
Dart Throwing: If you’re trying to pop balloons, make sure to throw the darts at balloons that have taken a few shots already. Those balloons have weakened, and will fall prey to a dart hunter such as yourself! (Also, to ensure that the darts have a sharp end, sharpen them with your dart sharpener before throwing.)
Important Fun Tip: I know this sounds crazy, but whatever prize you win, you should INSTANTLY give it away. Won a stuffed animal? Give it to the first little kid you see. Won some sort of odd dish? Present it to the first person you see who looks like an odd dish collector. The joy you will see on the surprised person’s face will be way more fun than keeping whatever it is you won!
Really.
Traveling to College Is Fun!
A “brass ring” is a symbol for a great prize. You know what’s going to be really a really great prize? When you get to go away to college! In addition to leaving home and discovering the thrill of learning to do your own laundry, think about the cool classes you’ll get to take!
You see, in college, you get to CHOOSE your classes. And since professors need to attract students, they sometimes juice up the courses they offer. That’s why if you go to Pitzer College, you can take a class called “Learning From YouTube”!
Here are some other c
ourses you might be interested in as you pursue your higher education:
“Joy of Garbage” (Santa Clara University)
“Knights, Castles, and Dragons” (Boston College)
“Arguing with Judge Judy: Popular Logic on TV Judge Shows (University of California, Berkeley)
“Underwater Basket Weaving” (Yes, really. University of California, San Diego)
“Philosophy and Star Trek” (Georgetown University)
“The Art of Walking” (Centre College)
“The Science of Superheroes” (University of California at Irvine)
“Zombies in Popular Media” (Columbia College, Chicago)
“The Simpsons and Philosophy” University of California-Berkeley
“The Economics of Sin, Dinosaur Tracks, Communes, Massacres & Poets” (Middlebury College)
“The Science of Harry Potter” (Frostburg State University)
“Myth and Science Fiction: Star Wars, The Matrix, and Lord of the Rings” (Centre College)
“The Strategy of StarCraft” (University of California, Berkley)
The Knights Ride Round and Round
Hey, while you’re at the amusement park or fair, see if they have a carousel. (You know, a merry-go-round?) Look at the kids riding around and having fun. Little do they know that the carousel traces its beginnings back to the days when knights had jousting tournaments. See, back in the Middle Ages, tournaments were a common entertainment. One event involved a knight on horseback riding toward a metal ring, and trying to stick his lance right through the ring. If you think this sounds easy, try it sometime while riding your bike. (But don’t use a REAL lance—and if you do, don’t have your brother hold the ring!)
Later versions of this event involved a knight riding a horse in a circle (instead of a straight line) while aiming at the ring. This was called the carosello. And that’s why old-school carousels today still have brass rings that passing kids try to grab as they ride their horsies round and round!
Road Trip!
Okay, let’s say you’re in the car and headed somewhere fun. But to really enjoy yourself, it’s important that you NOT ask this question: “Are we there yet?”
Furthermore, do NOT sing this song to the tune of “Frère Jacques”:
Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Not far now! Not far now!
How long till we get there? How long till we get there?
Mom, I’m sick. Mom, I’m sick.
Special Zombie Version: “Are we dead yet?”
But aside from the Question That Must Not Be Named, there are lots of other activities (like screaming contests!) that you can play in the car. Unfortunately, many of them annoy the driver. And since your life is in the driver’s hands, it’s probably best to keep things low-key.
Hey, have you heard of sleepovers where blindfolded girls give each other makeovers? This results in kooky mistakes that always get laughs. But taking it one step further, one mom I know lets her daughters give her a makeover on road trips! The mom sits in the front passenger seat and gives her daughters her makeup kit. Then she reclines her chair as far as is safe. Then she closes her eyes while the girls work their magic. Although the girls aren’t blindfolded, the car is in motion, and their mom’s face is upside down!
This has led to some very interesting moments.
Fun Tip: Whenever putting makeup on someone, try to use lipstick to make a “kiss” mouth shape on their forehead, cheek, neck, or anywhere else where you think they may not notice it.
Fun Places to Travel
As you drive along, roadside attractions may pop up on your route. You know the kinds of places I’m talking about: “Is Seeing Believing? Visit the Gopher Mound of Mystery!” Although these attractions might sound fun when you’re bored, I find that they often make me sad. (“Hey...This is a MOLE-hill!”)
But there are some roadside attractions that ARE worth stopping for! First up is the Kennedy Space Center in Merritt Island, Florida. Among other things, it has the world’s fourth-largest building! I still think of this as one of the best road trips in my life (and I’ve been on three so far!).
A slightly less educational trip would be to the Mud Hole Belly Flop Competition in Dublin, Georgia. (Warning: It’s held at the Summer Redneck Games.) How do you win this competition? You guessed it—you jump into a mud hole and try to splash up as much mud as possible. (My inside sources tell me that to achieve maximum splash, you should do a scissors jump.)[33]
West Virginia’s Road Kill Cook-Off is held each autumn. It’s a good place to taste squirrel-gravy biscuits, and if you’re lucky, you can meet the Road Kill Queen! (Really.) And over in Crosville, Tennessee, is the world’s biggest tree house...although a house that uses SEVEN trees for support should really be called a “trees house”! Called the Minister’s Tree House, it’s five stories tall and growing.
There are tons of awesome museums in Washington, D.C., but the best one might be the National Air and Space Museum. It has almost every great artifact of flight you can think of. Want to see the Wright brothers’ original 1903 plane? It’s there, as is the Spirit of St. Louis, the Apollo 11 command module, and the Intergalactic Hyperspace Drone.[34] While you’re there, catch a shuttle to the museum’s other branch, the Udvar-Hazy Center.
The Sagan Planet Walk in Ithaca, New York, is probably the best way there is to understand our tiny corner of the universe. You take a tour that starts in downtown Ithaca, and puts you in a scale model of the Solar System. Not only do you get a passport to the Solar System, but you can also see how far the planets are from the sun (and each other). The walk is less than a mile, and if you get your passport stamped at all the planets, you can get free admission at the museum called the Sciencenter. (Fun fact: Using the same scale, if you wanted to understand the distance from our Solar System to the nearest star, you’d have to hoof it from New York to Hawaii!)
Do you like submarines? Who doesn’t! If you get a chance, dive over to the Submarine Force Museum in Groton, Connecticut. (Sorry.) There are lots of exhibits and replicas, and you can go onboard the world’s first nuclear submarine, the Nautilus. Ooh, and if you prefer flying squash, head south to Delaware, where the annual Punkin Chunkin competition is held. It’s the greatest pumpkin-launching event in the world. When you set up to watch, give yourself some room...those catapults and trebuchets can chuck pumpkins over three thousand feet!
Up in Toronto, they have a cool four-day festival called Buskerfest. This is a great chance to see break dancers, stilt walkers, fire eaters, acrobats, singers, mimes, magicians, and jugglers in their native habitat: the street! Just by walking around, you can see more entertainment in one day than most people do in six months. (Not counting the times they were reading this book.)
The House on the Rock (Spring Green, Wisconsin) is tough to describe. How about “a truly bizarre combination of buildings and items”? If you’ve been to the Winchester Mystery House (San Jose, California), you know what I mean. (And if you haven’t been there, go to the Winchester Mystery House!)
If you like setting off rockets, consider the Titan Missile Museum in Sahuarita, Arizona. It includes an underground missile silo—with a missile still IN the silo! As part of the tour, you get to go to the underground control room for a launch. (It’s simulated.) In addition to learning some rocket science, you will also get a good reminder about the greatest threat to fun the world faces: missile silos that aren’t simulated!
If you find yourself in Portland, Oregon, see if you can’t take the short trip to the Evergreen Aviation & Space Museum in McMinnville. Among other things, it has the world’s largest plane ever built: the Spruce Goose. The first time I saw it, I couldn’t believe it was real, and not something cooked up by a special- effects team!
If you’re driving through Seattle, take time to see the giant troll living under the north end of the Aurora Bridge. Known as the Fremont Troll, it’s easy to find; just go to the troll’s Twitter page for more information. (Really.)
> Finally, see if you can find time to go visit the Grand Coulee Dam in Washington. It’s big. How big? The dam is the biggest hydroelectric station on the continent. Best of all, it has a glass elevator that goes down the face of the dam. Yikes!
Traveling Abroad
Most of the countries in the world are fascinating places, and you should go to as many of them as possible. However, since you could go almost anywhere and have a great time, let me narrow things down and tell you that if you’re looking for FUN, here are...
Six Places Not to Go!
The Loneliest Road in America, also known as US Route 50, runs from California to Maryland. The stretch of the road that runs through Nevada is so horrible and barren, drivers are warned to stay away unless they are survivalists. There are only five towns along this entire section, which goes for more than three hundred miles. Anyone who stops in all five towns gets a survival certificate signed by the governor of Nevada! (Seriously.)