by L. L. Crane
He had asked me to be his marriage partner.
But another thought held me hostage. He had left me. I couldn’t forget that, couldn’t just let that go.
Orion’s beautiful blue eyes were intense, clouds that had dropped from the sky. If it was at all possible, he was more muscular than the last time I had seen him, his thick biceps bulging out of the deep blue robe, the blue star tattoos somehow adding to his perfection.
I sputtered, confused, remembering the night we spent together in the hedge…how right it seemed then. I looked up. “The last time…” I croaked.
His deep voice interrupted my words. “I left you clues, Rain.” He gently reached out for my hand. It was suspended in air, hanging in time. If I took it, I knew I would never let it go. I yanked my hand away from his, but not before he touched me, just briefly.
It was that little touch that unhinged me, the past few months rising up before me like a mountain I couldn’t begin to climb. I was a hot mess, pregnant, confused, and suddenly angrier than I had been when I tried to kill him a few moments before.
“Clues,” I screamed at him, ignoring the hordes of people in the room. “You left me fucking clues and just disappeared?”
There was a gasp throughout the entire room. I didn’t care about their stupid rituals and rules. It wasn’t much different than the Provinces if I had to watch every word I said. If I wanted to swear I was going to.
Orion ignored everyone, even Lily, who was leaning against my legs. His words were soft, almost shy. “I left you a note,” he explained.
“No. You. Didn’t.” I was seething by then, my words coming out as flames, burning everything in their path.
Orion’s voice was calming and Ice ran to him. He snuggled my brother to his broad chest, holding him with one arm. It should be me, I thought. I should be with Ice. Not Orion. He had taken enough.
“I did.” He coolly told me. “In the necklace I gave you.”
I spit back words to him. “You put the letter K on it. That’s hardly a note.”
“No, inside of it. There was a note. It’s a locket…see?”
Orion set Ice down, and the little boy clung to his legs, his small hands pinching around them. Then Orion slipped the silver chain over his head and held out the broken heart necklace to me.
“See, open it up.” He was talking to me like I was a child and that pissed me off. I snatched the necklace from his hand, briefly touching him again. Heat sizzled from Orion’s hand to mine, and I quickly pulled my hand backward, not trusting myself with his touch. Inspecting the locket, I noticed it had a tiny hinge that was barely perceptible. I slipped my fingernail through a small slit and it popped open. Inside was a picture of me.
I shoved it back at him. So…I’m supposed to just forgive you. Just because you supposedly gave me a note in a necklace?”
“Rain, I had to go. My dad…”
I interrupted, not sure if I could believe a word he said. “You didn’t even say good-bye.” By then I was crying, tears streaming down my face. “I…I’m pregnant, Orion. With your baby. You left me pregnant and alone.” I glared at his beautiful blue eyes for a second then spun around.
I was done with Orion, with the splitting pain that was smashing my heart, making it difficult to breathe, much less live. Everything about Orion was intense, both good and bad, but if I tallied it up at that moment, the bad far outweighed the good.
I pumped my legs as quickly as I could, my mutt of a dog thundering loyally beside me. Loyal. She and Troll were just that. And trustworthy, no matter what Troll told me when I first met him. In a matter of days they had proven that over and over. Without even glancing backward, I pressed on, knowing that all I wanted was to get away from Orion as fast as I could.
Chapter 46
Choice
I pushed through the bodies in the room and flung the door open. I raced up the pathway toward the house they had given us, the incessant rain drizzling my hair and robe. I vaguely recalled my feet smacking against the earth, pounding like hammers. Somewhere along the way I lost the fur coat, and I began to shiver.
I heard Orion’s footsteps behind me, knowing he could outrun me, but I kept plowing ahead anyway. The last thing I wanted was more confusion, more lies. If I could just get to Troll, he would know what to do. He always had an answer for everything.
I sped up, but it wasn’t enough. Huge hands grabbed me from behind. Orion’s hands. I knew them well, had felt them caress my body more than once. Had felt him stroke my hair when I was upset. Had held those very hands when he showed me his brutal scars on his back and chest.
“Stop,” he pleaded, not even breathless. “Rain, I love you.”
I was panting, my stomach bunching into knots as he held me in his arms, so much like that first forbidden kiss that I let out a small moan.
For a minute our eyes locked, and I started to weaken. But then anger boiled through my veins at the thought of all I had been through because of him. “Why are you doing this?” I weakly spit out, but my fists pounded against his broad chest. Lily was yapping, her bark loud and ominous, in almost perfect rhythm with my pummeling fists.
Orion’s eyebrows were furrowed, his voice husky. “Rain.”
I didn’t wait to answer. “I’m not Rain any more. Look at me. My name is Vanish.”
“Okay, Vanish.” He smiled at me, one of those huge grins that showed his white gleaming teeth as I continued to futilely pound away at him with my fists.
“The baby?” He asked, his voice all mushy and soft with no edges. “The baby is mine?”
I was fighting to pull air into my lungs. “Yes, you stupid fool.”
His thick arms held me tightly, and just like so many times before, I went limp in those giant arms. I knew that he could out muscle me any day.
“I thought it was that guy Troll’s,” he stammered. “I…uh…thought…Shade told me that a guy named Troll showed up with his woman, who was pregnant.”
I thrashed against him, my voice rising. “That was our story. So that nobody would claim me or hurt me. For your information, Troll hasn’t willingly left my side since I met him.” It felt good to be jabbing at Orion. I narrowed my eyes. “He offered to be a father to the baby, which is more than you have done.”
Orion stared into my eyes, his arms wrapped tightly around me. I felt tiny, like a little doll he was holding.
“Shit, Rain, I didn’t even know about the baby.” He raised his eyebrows again. “How about I claim you?” he asked in a sexy voice.
I stared back at him, never breaking eye contact. By that point, I was empty inside, my organs seeming to all have just fallen out of my body. “I don’t know, Orion,” I muttered half-heartedly. “I just don’t know.”
I could feel his hot breath kissing my cheeks, lulling me back to life again. I was playing the biggest game of tug-of-war in my life, deathly afraid of being pulled over the line. More than anything, I wanted to kiss the very mouth that was inches from me, spewing air that had traveled through Orion’s body. His lips were right there, next to mine, and nothing had changed. I still wanted him more than ever.
But everything had changed.
I couldn’t trust him anymore, couldn’t put my shattered and bruised heart on the line. I was eye to eye with him, blue on blue. Then, words tumbled out of my mouth so quickly that after they were out, I wanted to shove them back in. But I didn’t. “I need some space.” I told him. “I need some time to think.”
Orion set me gently onto the ground. “Okay.” He wasn’t smiling any more, and his face was pained, as if someone had struck him.
I stood next to him, only a few inches separating us, but more than a universe between us.
I could make out the sad blue rim of his eyes, his long dark eyelashes touched by the drizzling rain. His firm jaw line and full lips. I wanted to run into his arms again. I wanted to run away.
It was silent for a moment, the air between us thick. When he spoke his words were a choked whisper. �
�As much time as you need. I’ll be waiting.” A strong wind had come up from nowhere and it whipped thick raindrops against my cheeks. Tears mixed with them. Bloody, hurting, fat raindrops that threatened to break me in half.
I turned away from Orion, just squared my shoulders and put one foot in front of the other toward our house, Lily clomping along beside me. I didn’t get too far.
“Hey, Rain.” It was Orion’s voice, I knew that. I just didn’t know what to do about it. A lump formed in my throat, so thick I wasn’t sure if I could ever eat again.
I turned around, my robe flapping in the wind. “What?” The word came with such pain, I thought my body might crack apart, that my heart would fall out of my chest and land on the stone path, crushed and splintered. A piece of me wondered if Orion would just stomp on what was left of it, squish it with his foot until it was nothing more than bloody pulp.
Orion’s eyes were glued on me, and his voice was firm, determined. His blonde eyebrows shot upward. “I’ll wait forever for you.”
I smiled one of those sad Snow smiles at him. “We’ll see,” I told him. I pursed my lips and twisted around, trudging toward the house I shared with Troll, Lily by my side. It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, worse than cutting out my tracker-timer. Worse by far than leaving my family, Garment, Pan, Blush and Sergio.
Each step was a heartbeat, a pulse in my body that took me further and further away from Orion.
Chapter 47
Arms
I opened the heavy door to my new home, so different than the sleek apartment I had left not too long ago. It was cool when I entered, and the drizzling rain had caused my hair to flop down into my eyes. Brushing it away, I shut the door quietly, hoping that Troll wasn’t there, that he wouldn’t hear me. Lily padded in quietly.
The front room was empty, and I tiptoed to the bedroom. I let out a moan when I walked in and found Troll, almost naked except a wrap around his torso, lying in the bed. Our bed.
There were two bedrooms, and I wondered why I had come to this one.
Troll grinned at me happily. “How was the meeting?”
Immediately, I burst into tears, running into the other bedroom and slamming the door. For a moment I was held captive by the door with the odd oval handle.
I had read about doors like these in my history classes, knew they could somehow lock, that you didn’t have to push a button to make them open or close. I fumbled with a little knob until I was content that the door was indeed locked.
Woozily, I made my way to the bed and crawled into it, pulling the covers up around my chin. They were blue and soft and they warmed my chilled body. I only wished they could warm my icy heart.
Tears poured from my eyes, not just tears of pain and confusion, but tears of happiness. After all of this time, all of this wondering and waiting, I finally found out that Orion was alive. And Ice. Oh Gods, Ice was a different person, a happy child who seemed almost normal.
Still, the sting of what Orion had done jabbed at me harder than I thought. I couldn’t just forgive him for leaving me like that. But it was Orion’s face I kept seeing, his body I kept feeling. His intensely masculine scent that always breathed into me with a tantalizing hint of evergreen.
The tears kept coming, off and then on, as my mind whirred like an engine on overdrive, thoughts revving it up until I exploded all over again.
Troll was knocking on the door. “Is everything okay?” His muffled voice bled with concern.
I ignored him. Lily whined on the other side of the door and I wished I would have let her in with me.
He pounded harder. “Hey, Vanish, open the door.” I didn’t answer.
Troll kept banging on the door, and I ignored it, yanking the soft blankets around me. Still, my chest was so heavy with emotion, it felt like someone had drained all of the blood out of my body.
Ignoring the beating on at the door, I eventually quit crying and curled up into a lonesome ball, my rounded belly resting against the soft mattress. Emotional exhaustion took over, and I fell into a deep sleep.
When I awoke, I could tell that it was dark. A shadow was formed on the blue bedspread, and I wondered what it could be. Groggily sitting up, I realized it wasn’t a shadow.
It was a human.
I stretched over the lump next to me, wondering who it was, how a person could have made it into my bedroom.
It only took me a few seconds to figure out who it was. Troll. Somehow he must have picked the lock while I slept and snuck into the room. I sighed, settling back into the bed. It was warm and cozy, the steady rhythm of Troll’s breathing somehow a comfort to me.
I laid awake for quite some time, thinking about everything that had happened to me. I missed my family sorely, my heart aching for my sibs, for Dove and my dad. For Garment and Pan and Blush. Oh, and sweet, silent Sergio. I missed the innocence of Citizen School and especially Halo, Jupiter and Ivy. Halo would be giving me a lecture by now, bossing me around, telling me to get my shit together. Ivy and Jupiter would argue about it, like I wasn’t even there. A smile curved up on my lips. I certainly didn’t miss Rider, but I was happy that he could finally have Desk 1 all to himself. It certainly didn’t seem too important to me anymore.
I sighed, missing them but knowing they were children compared to who I had become… pregnant…in love or out of love with one boy, and lying next to a different boy I loved in an entirely different way. I had changed so much that my old friends probably wouldn’t even want to be around me anymore. What would we talk about, anyway? Diapers and feeding a baby?
I placed my hand on my stomach, thinking about the Peanut. In a few months he would be born. I was happy that at least he would get to know his father. I could work out a schedule with Orion, have him go back and forth between us. But the thought of Snow curbed that thought at once. I remembered how he hated it at my mom’s house, the constant jostling back and forth. No, I thought, I didn’t owe Orion anything…I didn’t have to let Orion see the Peanut at all. Then I remembered Troll saying he would raise the baby, be a father to him, and that started me crying all over again.
I was a wreck.
Troll bounced up, turning toward me. “Are you okay?” he asked with so much care and concern in his voice that I started crying harder, hiccupping and snorting like a child. He patted me sweetly, his hands soothing my ruffled heart.
After a bit I calmed down. “Yes,” I sniffed. Then, “No.” It reminded me of a time in a hedge with Orion. He had answered the same question in the very same way.
Troll wrapped me tightly in his sinewy arms, so different than Orion’s that I wanted to shove him away. But I didn’t.
In my mind, Troll was everything good and Orion was everything bad. I had to get used to that.
Troll held me tightly, smoothing my short locks of hair behind my ears. At one point he gently brushed his lips across mine. I waited for the sparks to happen, like they did with Orion, but all I felt was the thinness of his lips. I weakly kissed him back.
He nestled his head into my shoulder, and we both laid there quietly. The feel of his body was wrong, yet it felt warm, like a favorite blanket that you wanted to pull up to your neck and nestle into. But I had no words to make anything right between Troll and me. At that moment I knew Troll wanted me, maybe even had fallen in love with me. But my heart belonged to Orion, and I needed time to fix that. I could make no promises to Troll, other than friendship. A stab of guilt pricked me as I selfishly nestled into the comfort of his arms.
Even though I knew with every fiber of my being that they were the wrong arms.
Chapter 48
Kick
The months passed, and I became accustomed to living with Troll, like he might be my roommate at University. Only he was definitely male.
He never tried to kiss me again, and that was fine with me. Still, every night I would go to bed first, telling him good-night and pecking him on the cheek. He sweetly kissed my cheek in return, his eyes soft and mushy. I wou
ld waddle into the baby’s bedroom and when I woke up, Troll would be by my side, always some part of him touching me. An arm. A leg draped over mine. His head nestled into my shoulder. He became familiar to me, his sweet masculine smell, his gentle touch, his thin body.
I wondered when Shade would bring in a crib and make the room a nursery. For some reason, that excited me, thinking of the Peanut lying in his own little bed beside me...beside us. I wondered what he would look like. Would he have blonde hair like Orion? Or black hair like mine? I figured he was destined to have blue eyes.
There was a part of me that couldn’t wait to meet him, find out what he was about. Another part of me was terrified. I had no idea how to be a mother. It wasn’t like I had an excellent role model, Dove excluded. But my days with Dove had been limited. In my mind, I thought of dog piles and smiles. Cuddles and huddles. If I could be like Dove, everything would be okay.
My stomach seemed to grow by the minute, hard and round and solid. One morning I felt the baby kick. I was lying in bed, just waking up, and I felt a tiny jab. I put my hand on my stomach and felt it again. “Troll!” I exclaimed.
He immediately jumped up. “What…what is it?” He was rubbing his eyes with the fists of his hands.
“The baby. It kicked!” I cried out, more excited than I had ever been. I had always known there was a tiny life inside of me, but that little kick made it remarkably real. My heart soared into the orange clouds of the Asters.
Immediately, Troll’s hand landed on my stomach, a gentle touch. It rested there for quite some time. I felt another little jab, and Troll’s face transformed. His lips curled up and his turquoise eyes twinkled merrily, like a proud father.
“He’s a strong little guy!” Troll gushed. Lily, parked at the foot of the bed, barked just then, as if she too, had felt the kick. Troll ruffled her large head and she smiled, her tongue lolling out of her wide jaws.
It was foolish, I knew, but I was proud of the Peanut, just like when Snow played the piano at a concert and I watched on, a surrogate mother to the absent one that we were both cursed with.