by L. L. Crane
Orion laced his hands through mine, never taking his eyes off of me.
“I’m so sorry, Rain. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
He kissed me on the forehead. “I love you, Rain.” He smirked, then, his lips curving up in that way that both charmed and irritated me. “Forever.”
At that moment, Ice moved between us. He wrapped his little arms around my leg, just as I had seen him do to Orion. “Wain. Wain. Fowevo Wain.” He tilted his head back and smiled toothlessly up at me.
I ruffled his hair, surprised that he let me do it without a fuss. “You took him, didn’t you?” I asked Orion, remembering the conversation we had in the hedge after Orion had told me that he had discovered that Snow had a S.L.A.G. twin brother who lived in the Clinic. How I told Orion that I wanted to steal Ice out of the Clinic and just run away with him to the Asters.
Orion nodded, a sloppy grin on his beautiful face. “I told you, Rain…I would do anything for you.”
I was still crying, shameless rivers falling down my face. “I have so many questions,” I hiccupped.
“Like?” His eyes were sparkling, a hint of mischief hiding behind them.
“Like how you got here and how you got Ice out of the Clinic, and mostly why you didn’t find me and tell me you were leaving.”
I sounded like a whiny child, I knew. “You don’t know what you put me through,” I scolded, but I wasn’t mad any more. The spear heading toward Orion had stabbed me first…with a huge dose of forgiveness.
“Okay.” He sighed visibly, a puff of his hot breath blowing onto my cheeks. I wanted to snip it off, like a piece of candy, and pop it into my mouth to savor for the rest of my life. He glanced around the huge conference room. “Come home with me and I’ll tell you everything.”
A face shot into my head at the mention of home. Troll’s.
“Oh, Gods, Orion,” I began. “What about Troll?”
Orion gently stroked my face with his giant thumb, letting out a miserable sigh. “I don’t know. That’s going to be between the two of you.” He reached down and easily picked Ice up, tucked him into his huge arms.
His blue eyes landed directly on Ice’s “Are you ready to go home?”
“Home! Home!” the brother I hardly knew squealed.
Orion turned to me, those blue eyes piercing directly into my heart like a sharp knife of love. “Our home,” he answered with that cocky Orion way of his, raising both eyebrows at once. “All of ours, including you and the baby.”
Suddenly I was shy. “I…I…don’t know Orion.” I looked down, as if the floor of the stage held some kind of fascination for me, feeling like the worst kind of traitor, even worse than my mom.
He lifted my chin so our eyes could meet, and he smiled sadly down at me, “I’ll wait, Rain. I already told you, I’ll wait forever if I have to.” His voice was smooth, like the cloth in Garment’s studio.
I pursed my lips together, confused. I couldn’t just leave Troll like this. It wouldn’t be right.
I scanned the room. Most of the people had already left except a few men who were probably there to guard Orion. Probably me, too. I was curious how he had become their leader so quickly, and I desperately wanted the answers to the questions that had been zinging around in my head for months, bitter balls of steel that banged ruthlessly at my poor skull.
I bit my lower lip, not wanting to leave Orion, not wanting the words I knew I had to say to leave my lips. “Give me some time,” I whispered to Orion.
His blue eyes were gentle. “As much as you need.”
“Okay.” Ice was squirming, and Orion set him down. He started playing with the wooden toys on the stage again.
“Only one thing, Rain.” His eyes were storm clouds, swirling with emotion, and he glanced to my bulging stomach.
“What?”
“I want to be a father to our baby.”
The words that I had been too afraid to speak slipped out of my mouth then. “What if the baby has S.L.A.G.?”
Orion didn’t even pause to answer. “I don’t care. It’s our baby. Yours and mine.”
My heart swelled, then, and I didn’t know if I could ever love anybody the way I did Orion at that moment.
“Okay,” I sobbed. I was crying again, and I couldn’t seem to stop. Orion slipped his thumb onto my cheek again, wiping a tear away. I sniffed then, wiping my nose on my exquisite robe.
Orion pulled me into his arms and held me there for the longest time, our bodies touching again, knowing each other in ways that only people in love can know. Then he held me back, staring at me, as if I was a famous painting in a museum. Just then the Peanut kicked. Out of habit, I rested my hand on my stomach. Orion tilted his head to the side, obviously curious.
“Is everything okay?” He looked so concerned, I stopped crying and broke into laughter. I was a mess and I knew it.
“Here.” I took his huge hand and placed it on my protruding stomach.
He held it there for quite some time. Then, as if on cue to welcome his father into his world, the baby kicked, the most ferocious kick of all.
“It kicked!” Orion grinned foolishly, his white teeth flashing. “I felt it kick.”
I nodded, suddenly proud. “He’s a busy guy.”
“He?”
“Just a feeling I have.”
Orion kissed me again, and my head swirled with him. I was dizzy and falling and my stomach was fluttering and I couldn’t seem to get enough of him. I wrapped a chunk of his hair around my finger, wanting him, wanting every piece of him.
Finally, I pulled myself away from him, gasping for breath. I didn’t know what to do. Every bone in my body told me to go with Orion. My heart told me I belonged with Orion. It was my head that was messing everything up.
“I…I…better go now.”
Orion nodded, a strand of his shaggy blonde hair falling down into his eyes. He absentmindedly pushed it back. “I’ll be waiting.”
“I know,” I answered. “I just…”
“Shhhh.” He put his finger gently on my lips. “It’s fine. Take your time.”
I nodded, not wanting to leave him. Or Ice.
Orion grasped Ice’s hand.
“Come on little buddy, we’re heading home now,” Orion told Ice.
“Home,” he squealed, a little parrot of a boy. I glanced down at him, missing Snow more than ever. Why did it seem that I was always having to choose between families?
I lifted my head, then stopped dead in my tracks.
Troll was standing in the doorway, a look of complete horror on his face.
Chapter 51
Shattered Heart
For a brief second, my eyes shot to Troll’s shocked, hurt blue orbs. “Troll,” I called out to him, but it was too late. He had already twisted around and was running from the building.
Orion gently squeezed my shoulder, as though he was staking a claim on me. I locked eyes with him, pulling myself in four distinct directions. Orion. Ice. The Peanut. Troll.
Troll had been nothing but kind to me. I heaved a great breath out of my growing body. “I’d better go,” I snipped at Orion, hating to leave him. I reached up and started to peck him on the cheek, like I did with Troll, but Orion would have none of that.
He caught me mid-air, gently cupped my face in his hands and kissed me tenderly on the lips, a kiss that told of secrets and answers, pasts and futures, and an urgency that called me to him like never before.
“I love you, Rain,” Orion breathed into my lips.
I peered up at him. “I love you, too. I just…”
“Go.” It was a simple directive, but one I needed. I twirled around, stopping to bend down and kiss Ice on the top of his head like I used to do with Snow when I left him, forgetting that Ice had S.L.A.G., that he might go crazy from the unsolicited contact.
He didn’t.
“Bye Wain. I wuv you.”
I stopped, my mouth hanging open. “Did he…”
Orion laughed his deep, hearty l
augh. “Yes, he did,” he answered. “I’ll explain that later, too. “Go.”
I blew a kiss to both of them, hating to leave them. I wanted more of Orion and more of Ice.
But Troll…
My robe swished between my legs and I rushed to the edge of the stage, stopping as I tried to figure out how to get down.
In an instant Orion picked me up and settled me easily on the floor. I tilted my head up, meeting his eyes. “Thanks,” I shot out. I blew him a kiss. Just like when I left Garment’s. Then I lumbered toward the door of the building, feeling Orion’s eyes scorch into my back.
One of the men opened the bulky door for me, and I padded through it, already panting. I kept it up, pumping my legs laboriously up the path until I reached our home. The home I shared with Troll.
I gulped, gasping for air as my hand turned the odd knob on the thick wooden door. I didn’t know if I would ever get accustomed to doors that didn’t just open automatically. I pushed the thick door open, calling for Troll.
There was no answer. I stopped in our front room trying to catch my breath. The baby jabbed at my insides as if to scold me, and I called out for Troll again.
I was met with a quiet house.
I went to the first bedroom, the one we usually slept in. Suddenly, my feet moved along at a slower pace. What was I going to say to him, anyway? That I never loved him, that I always loved someone else? Troll and I had never even talked about love. It still didn’t settle the guilt that was creeping around my body, an unwanted visitor who wouldn’t leave.
“Troll?” I called out again, pushing open the door to the second bedroom. I breathed out a huge huff of air when I saw him perched on the bed, Lily fast asleep by his side. She opened her eyes and wagged her tail at me, which only made me feel more like a traitor. More like my mom.
“Troll…”
His eyes moved to mine, so hurt and confused that I didn’t know what to do, what to say. Nothing in my life could have prepared me for hurting somebody so deeply. Troll was tossing something up and down in the air. I narrowed my eyes, focusing on it.
It was my broken heart necklace. The other half to Orion’s. The one I had packed in haste and had forgotten about, the chain broken the night I left my mother’s house so long ago.
“Here,” he called out in a sarcastic voice. “I took it from you in the tunnel…thought I could use it to trade with over here…just didn’t count on you being all high born in both worlds.” He grunted then, tossing the necklace at me. It landed with a tinkle on the stone floor. It called to me, a piece of Orion that I desperately needed, the explanation I had never gotten.
“Don’t worry,” Troll continued, his arms crossed over his chest. “His fucking note’s still in there.”
“Troll, I…”
“I knew it was too good to last,” he puffed.
I reached down, suddenly irritated with Troll as I struggled to keep my balance over the hard round ball that had become my stomach. I picked up the silver necklace, placed it in the pocket of my robe. “That was special to me…a part of my life.”
Troll waited a second before speaking, his voice low and raspy. “That didn’t include me.”
I shook my head, biting my lower lip. “No, it didn’t. But this one does.”
“Did.” He glared at me. “I saw you kissing him.”
“Troll, you and I…we never were in love.”
He folded his arms tighter across his chest. “Speak for yourself.”
“Troll, you’ve been so good to me, and you saved me time and again, and I appreciate it so much, and…” I was babbling incoherently, tears spilling down my face.
“Go,” Troll spit out. “Go to him,” he hissed at me venomously. A small tear was forming in his left eye, and my heart clenched into a vise. I knew I was the cause of his pain, and I felt shallow, selfish after all he had done for me.
“I care about you, Troll, I really do.”
“GO!” he screamed at me. “Get the fucking hell out. I’ll be okay.” By then he was outwardly sobbing and I didn’t know what to do. Tears streamed down his face, and his chest heaved up and down, as if someone was on the other side of him pushing and pulling. Lily had her giant head in his lap, her chocolate eyes drooping with sadness.
I didn’t know what to do, but I found myself by his side, stroking his head, like I did with Snow when he was upset.
He let out an animalistic groan. “I’m not your fucking pet.” His wet eyes were imploring. “Please…please, just go.”
I couldn’t take it anymore, hurting Troll like that. I pursed my lips together so I wouldn’t say anything else and took one giant sniff.
I turned away from him and softly padded out of the room. I somehow found my way to the front door and opened it, the hinges creaking angrily at me, scolding me in no uncertain terms for shattering Troll’s heart.
Chapter 52
Go
I slipped out of the house, shutting the damn judgmental door behind me. I stumbled down the pathway and back toward the building where I had last been. My heart felt like it had been put in a blender, and I couldn’t focus on anything except getting away from Troll, giving him the space he wanted. My feet clumped along as the rain trickled down.
I tripped on a loose stone, and the pathway loomed before me. It only took a second to figure out that I was falling. I reached my arms out to protect the baby, something that happened so naturally I didn’t have time to think about it. But before I hit the ground, arms were somehow around my waist and holding me upright.
At first I thought it was Orion, but when I twisted my head around, I realized it was one of the men who had been guarding Orion in the conference building. “Th…thanks,” I murmured as he righted me.
The man grunted but didn’t say anything. He was almost as big as Orion and dressed in dark blue pants and a lighter blue shirt. His hair was black like mine but his skin was dark and swarthy. His black eyes glared down at me, as if I had done something wrong, but he didn’t speak.
I tipped my head up at the strange man, and continued to trudge forward, wiping my wet cheeks. I sensed that the man was following me, and then it occurred to me that I didn’t even know where Orion and Ice lived.
I was exhausted to the bone, and all I wanted was to lie down on one of the soft beds at home and take a nap. I waddled along, not sure what to do. The sun was trying to peek out of the orange clouds that seeped rain from the sky in constant drizzles, and goose bumps jumped up on my arms. I spotted a bench ahead of me and decided to sit down and take a rest.
The bench was carved of stone with stars chiseled in the same pattern as the door to the conference center. Orion’s constellation. Sighing, I plopped down on the hard bench.
I had no idea what to do, where to go.
A jingling noise caught my attention as I moved. The necklace.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out the broken heart necklace, finding the little hinges that Orion had told me about. I carefully peeled the pieces back, wondering why I hadn’t noticed them before.
The broken heart slid open easily, and there, tucked inside it were two pieces of paper. I picked the top one up, examining it closely.
It was indeed the note from Orion, printed hastily in tiny, neat manuscript. It explained how his dad was forcing him to join the military in the morning, and he was afraid the cameras were going to pick up our words, so he couldn’t tell me good-bye or explain his plans. He told me he loved me and that he was going to get Ice and take him to the Asters. I was to follow as soon as I could and he loved me forever and always.
I gulped back tears as my heart split apart.
All these months, and all I had to do was open the locket for the answers I had desperately craved.
I picked up the other piece of paper.
It was a map showing a route to the Asters, a thin red line plotting it all out. There was Province A, where Orion and I had lived, the door to the subway, and then in capital letters, the word TROLL
was placed at the entry way.
The very tunnel where I first met Troll.
I turned the paper over.
Scrawled in childish print, too big for Orion’s tiny writing, were some letters that were pieced raggedly together.
I squinted my eyes, trying to make them out.
It took a few minutes to decipher what it said. To understand who wrote the letters that spelled out, “I love you too.”
Troll. It had to have been Troll’s writing.
I sighed, folding the papers neatly back together, and wondering which one to choose.
How could I know which type of love was the right one? I thought of Troll crying in our home, so vulnerable and shattered. I couldn’t forget how he saved my life, how kind he had been to me, how he offered to raise the Peanut as his own. I reached up and felt the mutant fingers, remembering how he had cracked his skull so bravely against the mutant’s head and killed it, how he had given me half of the fingers without asking for anything in return.
I chewed on my lower lip, flipping my thoughts back and forth.
I had known Troll almost as long as I had known Orion, and he had never left me, never hurt me, promised to be a father to the baby. Orion’s baby.
Oh Gods, just thinking about Orion set my heart pounding out of control, my head spinning, an ancient merry go round with no way to get off. Orion had taken Ice out of the Clinic. For me. Brought him here and then, even after I almost killed him, had given me the space I needed. He was raising Ice when it should have been me.
My heart and head ping ponged against each other like that for hours. Eventually, the shards of orange sunlight turned to darkness. I swallowed, tipping my head back to find the answer in the sky.
But there were no stars out on that night in the Asters, no constellation to guide me in the right direction.
It had sprinkled off and on all day, but as night approached a stronger, colder drizzle spilled from the sky, relentlessly showering me until I was drenched. My blue robe clung to me like wet paper and I shivered uncontrollably, my teeth chattering against each other. I knew I needed to go.