by Andi Lee
It was one of those bars that had a small dance floor in the middle of the room and flashing lights above a sea of writhing bodies that swayed in time to the beat of the music. Liam became a contortionist as he twisted between them and sidled up to the bar. With a smile and a wink that he didn’t feel, he had a drink in hand.
He was regretting leaving the house when a body bumped into him. His beer foamed up out of the bottle and down over his hand before he quickly covered the opening with his mouth and caught the rest.
“Sorry,” the stranger shouted, sliding his hands up Liam’s arms and roaming his gaze down his body.
“That’s okay,” he shouted back.
The stranger stepped forward, a mischievous half smile forming on his lips, and a sliver of excitement shot through Liam’s belly. Why shouldn’t he have a good time? He forced himself to stay still and smiled.
“Dance?” the man asked as he pulled Liam toward the dance floor. Liam didn’t have the words to say no. He downed his bottle of San Miguel and shoved it onto a sticky table without stopping.
The stranger pressed himself against Liam and danced so close that all he could do was place his hands on his hips and hold on. It felt wrong. His hips didn’t fit into the curve of his hands, and he was too short and thin. He wasn’t Jamie.
He smelled of expensive aftershave and not the masculine earthy scent of a man who worked outdoors.
“You don’t remember me, do you?” he shouted into Liam’s bad ear. Liam turned his head and got him to repeat it. Liam frowned and leaned back to take in his features. The hair was brown, and he couldn’t tell what colour the dark eyes were, but there was a familiarity about him Liam couldn’t quite place.
“I’m Rowan.” He could tell Liam was having difficulty hearing him, so he manoeuvred them to the edge of the dance floor, away from the speakers. “We met at the rat show.”
Liam blinked, and his mouth dropped open in surprise. It took him a second to place the face, but then he remembered—the guy he’d bumped into trying to get to Jamie. He swore inwardly. Even when he was trying to forget about Jamie, it all came back to him.
“I remember.” Liam gave up the pretence of dancing, but Rowan was still swaying against him, his hands hooked around Liam’s neck.
What would have happened if he’d allowed himself to be sidetracked by Rowan at the rat show? Would he still be vlogging his dates, would he have fucked Rowan? He shuddered at the thought, and Rowan groaned and pressed himself closer, thinking the reaction was because of him.
Liam grabbed his arms and pulled them away from his neck. “Sorry. I can’t do this.” Rowan stepped into him, slipping his arms from Liam’s grasp to slide them around his waist.
“Why? You’re not with anyone….”
Liam gave a small, uncomfortable laugh and stepped back. “I am.” He and Jamie hadn’t officially broken up.
Rowan frowned, his hands freezing. “What? The rat breeder? I thought…. I mean he said….”
Liam was getting more confused by the second. He dragged Rowan away from the music and found a quiet corner in the small corridor between the toilets, next to a fake potted plant.
“What did you mean, ‘he said’?” Liam pressed, a niggling sense of unease slowly growing.
Rowan bit his lip and shifted nervously from foot to foot. “I watch your vlog,” he admitted. It wasn’t the first time he’d met people who watched his vlog, but he could tell there was more to it than that.
“And?”
“I’m the one who suggested you go to a rat show. I thought we’d meet in real life and hit it off, but you only had eyes for him.” He was talking about Jamie, and Liam had to stifle his anger at the tone of his voice. The slight stalker vibe also made his skin crawl.
“How did you know I’d be here?” Liam hadn’t even known that.
Rowan shrugged and looked up when some men stumbled from the toilet and swayed toward the bar. “Someone messaged me. They must have seen my comments on your videos. They said you were single again. I didn’t follow you here, if that’s what you mean, I just saw you here and couldn’t believe my luck.”
“I don’t know who messaged you, but it’s not true. Stay away from me, got it—online and in real life. You’re about this close to becoming a stalker.” He motioned an inch between his thumb and forefinger.
Liam pushed past him, needing to get out of there. He wasn’t ready to forgive Jamie, but he wasn’t ready to find someone else either.
“Fuck you. I tried everything to get you to like me. I suggested you go to that stupid rat show. You were meant to fall for me, not him. Then you changed your vlog for him, and I was heartbroken. I thought I’d lost my chance, and then this bloke called Paul messaged me—”
“Paul?” Liam’s hand shot out, and he grabbed Rowan’s arm. “His name was Paul?” Rowan shrugged out of Liam’s hold and placed his hands on his hips.
“I don’t know him, but he said you and the rat breeder split up.”
“Fucking Paul.” It had to be Jamie’s ex; he didn’t know another Paul. He had a serious screw loose. Liam’s heart rate sped up, and he walked away, leaving Rowan shouting something after him.
He was bloody furious as he rode the last train home. It was so packed he couldn’t get a seat, and the drunks were leery and not as funny as they thought they were. He fired off a text to Jamie, so mad that his ex was watching his videos purely to cause trouble.
Tell your ex to leave me & my followers alone. I’m blocking him and reporting him.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“YOU ARE a bloody fool, and if he doesn’t throttle you, I certainly will,” Jan said. Jamie sighed, closed his eyes, and leaned back on her sofa.
“I know. I don’t know what I was thinking—I wasn’t thinking.” Unable to take it anymore, he’d caved and gone to see Jan and spilled the beans. “He hasn’t responded to any of my messages, and then I got a random text telling me to tell Paul to leave him alone. I have no clue what that even means.” He tried ringing him to ask, but Liam had gone back to radio silence.
“I would have walked out on you too. God knows what that text meant, but it can’t be anything good. I never liked that man.”
“He was never this much trouble until we split up.”
“Not that you know of. Enough about him. What are you going to do about Liam?”
“I don’t know. I freaked out, and I was selfish. He won’t speak to me at all now. I asked Dane to go around and check on the rats for him. They’re fine. Two are pregnant, so it could be worse. It’s frustrating. I was trying to be responsible, but he wouldn’t see reason. I feel like shit.” His voice cracked, and Jan softened and pulled him in for a rough hug. How could he think she would judge him?
“Us rat breeders aren’t perfect, you know. We all make mistakes, and this wasn’t exactly your mistake, was it?”
He shook his head and relaxed into her arms. “But I was supposed to be watching them. Imagine if it was an ordinary boarder and not Liam?” They both shuddered. “Now how do I fix it when he won’t talk to me?”
“I don’t know, hon. But it seems to me that the damage is done, and you need to suck it up and apologise now.”
“How can I do that when he won’t speak to me?”
They talked a while longer, and Jamie soaked in her affection. She was like a surrogate mother and a bossy teenager all in one, and he loved her to bits. She was a great mentor and a wonderful rat breeder.
The idea came to him so suddenly he flinched. “What?” Jan said. His heart raced, and he stumbled to his feet and looked for his shoes. He needed to get out of there.
“I’ve got an idea. Sorry, Jan—no time to explain.” He pressed a loud kiss to her cheek, making her laugh, and he finally found his shoes and almost fell as he shoved his feet into them and then ran out to his car.
As soon as he walked through the doors, he powered up his computer, went to YouTube, and managed to set up an account. That done, he typed in Liam’s fa
vourite singer. He recognised a few of the songs, but there were many other weird and obscure ones that were catchy. Deciding which one to use was more difficult than he expected. He hadn’t thought he’d enjoy Phase quite so much. Finally he picked a song called “Old Memories of My New Love.” It was fast and loud on the piano, and Phase practically screamed lyrics that were sweet and poignant.
He picked apart the rhythm, stripped it back piece by piece so he could build it back up and rearrange it for the uke. He played that song until his fingers ached and his callused tips became blistered.
The lyrics were easier to learn once he found them online, and he took his time singing them and turned it into a sweet love song. He wasn’t a natural singer, but he could just about hold a tune, so he wouldn’t sound like an X Factor reject.
His throat became dry, and his hands were shaking, but he finally had it down to the point where he wouldn’t have to read the lyrics. He gave himself a break from the music and set up his own YouTube channel. Nerves made his breath catch, and he swallowed as he turned on his webcam and clicked Record. He sat on his office chair and wheeled backwards until he was in the middle of the room and he could see himself properly on the computer.
When he was finally ready, his throat ached with emotion, and his voice was croaky when he started to speak.
“Hi. Most of you don’t know me. Some of you might know my boyfriend, though. Liam.” He gave a sad smile and looked down so he didn’t have to see himself on the computer. “At least I hope he’s still my boyfriend. You see, I did a shitty thing.” He tightened his hands on the neck of the uke as he tried to calm himself. “I was wrong. I’m sorry, Bowie. So very sorry. And….” He bit his lip—should the first time he said this be on screen? His heart thudded. If Liam didn’t forgive him, he might not get to say it at all. “I love you.”
Chapter Thirty
I’M SORRY & I <3~ You
RatPackRanger
16K Views. 3 hours ago
Liam’s ringtone woke him up. He turned over in bed, expecting to see Jamie’s name pop up, and was a little shocked and then worried when it was MC Glamour. Had Rowan said something to him? He hoped not. He was still a little creeped out by it all. He flung his arm out to grab his phone but sent it sliding across the bed.
“MC? Is everything okay?” He stifled a yawn and wiped at the sleep in his eyes.
“Okay? Okay?” he screamed. Liam winced and held the phone farther away from his ear. “Don’t you check social media? What kind of YouTuber are you?”
“What? Not tonight. I was sleeping,” he said.
“Sometimes I think you’re slow as well as half-deaf,” MC sniped, but Liam didn’t take offence. “Check your Twitter, check YouTube, check everything. Stop sleeping. Call me back later.”
He hung up, and Liam stared at his phone with a puzzled look and finally noticed all the notifications. He even had a text from Abigail, telling him to check YouTube. Had Rowan done something?
His Twitter handle, LofaRider, had hundreds of notifications and retweets, but he had no clue what they were talking about. He scrolled through the clutter of messages and found a new follower—RatPackRanger. His heart plummeted. It was easy to guess who that was. Despite knowing he should ignore it and block him, Liam couldn’t stop his interest, not with all the other people tagging him in everything and using #ratpackranger.
Without thinking too deeply, he clicked on the very first tweet Jamie had tagged him in. It simply said, I’m sorry, give me a second chance, and then gave a link to YouTube. He couldn’t not follow it through, so he hit the link and opened a shoddily made video that made him let out a shaky laugh despite wanting to stay strong.
It was poorly lit, the desk lamps bleached out the colour a little, and it was obviously videoed on Jamie’s computer. He was sitting on his office chair with his ukulele balanced on his lap.
“Hi. Most of you don’t know me. Some of you might know my boyfriend, though. Liam. At least I hope he’s still my boyfriend. You see, I did a shitty thing. I was wrong. I’m sorry, Bowie. So very sorry. And….”
Jamie played dirty; he knew Liam couldn’t resist him when he called him Bowie. His legs started to tremble, and he felt stupid because of it.
“I love you.”
The air disappeared from Liam’s lungs, and he gave a wheezing gasp. Sweat beaded on his forehead, and he peered closer at the phone, wishing Jamie were really in front of him. Those three words changed everything.
“For those who don’t know anything about me—I’m a fancy rat breeder. I met Liam at a pet rat show when he was filming a video for his vlog.” He gave the sweetest smile. “He respected my privacy because he knew I was uncomfortable being on film, but I did something stupid. I was looking after his rats, and one of my bucks ended up in the same cage. I was so scared what the other rat breeders would say that I didn’t stop to think about him. I also said some shitty things about his vlog and his business. I didn’t mean it, Bowie. I just lashed out and I knew that would hurt you. I’m so sorry.” He bit his lips, hand clutching the neck of the uke.
“I’m not concerned, worried, or scared anymore—not about that. I’m petrified you’ll leave me, though.” He gave a grimace and licked his lips “I just wanted to say that I love you. And I’m sorry.”
He rotated his shoulders in that adorably awkward way he had when he knew people were watching him. Liam’s heart swelled. Loving Jamie always came so easily. It was one of the reasons this hurt so much. Liam half sobbed, half laughed, and his eyes burned with tears.
“I thought I’d play you a song, Bowie.” The nickname turned his insides to mush, and his heart swelled. He’d missed hearing it.
There was more? He expected a David Bowie song, but when the first chords of Phase’s “Old Memories of My New Love” started, Liam forgot about everything but watching him and taking in every small detail.
“How is it that I know you so well when we’ve only just met? Years of memories not shared yet,” Jamie sang. The lyrics sounded so sweet coming from his lips. When Phase sung that song, it was loud and harsh, but Jamie had turned it into the love song it was always meant to be.
His fingers were slightly hesitant on the strings at first, but as soon as he got into the song, it was as though he was transported to the stage.
Tears burned tracks down Liam’s cheeks as he listened.
“Your eyes, they remind me of the first time I loved you—years ago—how can it be we’ve only just met. Do you sneak into my dreams? Do you? Do you?”
Now that he was hearing Jamie’s version of the song, he could barely remember the original. He shivered, goosebumps covering his arms, and the hairs on his arms stood on end. The arrangement was beautiful, changed perfectly so the song became their song, the lyrics about their life.
Jamie looked pale on the other side of the screen. Even with bags under his eyes, he was beautiful. Liam’s body ached just to be near him. He wanted to press his face into Jamie’s curly hair, smell his spicy shampoo, and feel his body wrapped around his.
Tears were still burning down his cheeks and settling into the corners of his mouth until he could taste salt. He let out a shaky laugh and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Out of everything Jamie could have done, Liam hadn’t expected this.
“Like well-worn memories, you make me feel so much more.”
Liam’s whole body shivered. He pulled the quilt over his bare shoulders and held the phone close to his face. There was something so incredibly intimate about knowing Jamie was singing in front of the whole world, entirely for him.
Jamie’s voice and each pluck of the strings warmed Liam’s heart. Jamie had outed his mistake to the entire world.
He finished singing and licked his lips. “I really do love you.” Then he got up and pressed Stop, cutting off the image.
There were already hundreds of comments on his video, most of them telling Liam to forgive him. There was no question. He didn’t bother trying to write something ba
ck. Jamie had said sorry in a way he knew Liam would appreciate, and he needed to do the same. Scrambling out of bed, he pulled on his dirty jeans and the L of a Ride T-shirt he’d worn the night before. He needed to get to Jamie as soon as possible.
He didn’t use his key when he got to Jamie’s. He just knocked his knuckles against the wood. Jamie yanked open the door, eyes widening and shoulders relaxing. “Thank God,” he said. His hair stuck out in all directions, his mouth was strained, and he looked like he’d lost weight.
“You definitely know how to apologise.” Liam half smiled, unsure what to say now he was there.
“I’m so fucking sorry.” Jamie’s voice cracked, and Liam folded him into his arms and stroked his hair, soaking up the feel of him.
He shuddered as their bodies pressed together again. He’d been cold inside for weeks, but just the press of Jamie’s warm, hard body against his made him feel alive.
Jamie kept mumbling, “Sorry, so sorry,” into his neck, and Liam pressed featherlight kisses to the side of his face.
“It’s okay. I’m sorry too.”
Jamie leaned back, and his eyes were bright. His lips trembled, and Liam couldn’t stand to see him cry, so he kissed him instead. It was light at first but deepened quickly. Jamie tasted of salty tears and toothpaste.
Liam pulled back with a half smile. “You said something else in that video.” He couldn’t forget the heartfelt “I love you.” It was the first time anyone had ever said that to him, and it was the first time he’d felt it for someone else.
Jamie’s eyes widened, and he licked his lips. “I love you.” His voice was shaky, full of emotion, and Liam felt his throat swell with something warm and soft that filled him up from head to toe.
“I love you too.” He pulled him back into his arms and held tight. How had he gone so long without this?