Ever So Madly

by J. R. Gray

  “I’m sorry, if I could change our birth order I would, even if it meant giving up all debauchery, but sadly we both know it wouldn’t change anything.” He laid his head on my shoulder, and I leaned into him. “He would have picked you no matter what. All that looking into birth order was merely him pleasing all those watching.” He turned more to look me in the eyes. “But J, it’s for the best.”

  “Believe me I know. He doesn’t see your worth.” I glanced over at him. “Gavin is the closest I can get to Madden without going to Harden.” I pointed at the green planet hovering over the skyline.

  “Somehow I don’t feel as if I’ve cheered you any, sister mine.”

  I looked into his blue eyes seeing so much of myself reflected in his face. He carried the burden better. I knew he would never even be able to be with the gender he preferred, let alone someone he loved. We’d made a pact a long time ago to not let anyone have our hearts, and even when I’d broken it he was still here comforting me.

  “I keep wondering how I breathed before. How each day passed and that piece wasn’t there. Somehow I functioned, but now that I know that piece is missing I can’t go back.” I knew I sounded stupid, and I doubted he would understand. I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and looked up. It would be staring back at me whenever I looked up at the sky.

  “When you’re Baroness, you can do as you please. The planet is within the stretch of our power. Can waiting be that painful?” He looked at me sternly when I shook my head.

  “And I’ll be married to him by then.” The words tasted bad as they left my mouth. “As if anyone would let me choose who I want if I were Baroness today. It will be a ‘suitable’ mate that I can wear on my arm like a decoration, even if I wasn’t already practically promised to Phillip.”

  “He’s a good match for you. Give it time.”

  I looked at him hard. “Why are you pushing it?”

  “Because he is smart, he doesn’t have only air in his head. It’s a first love, J, give it the rest of the season and it will fade.”

  I wasn’t an idiot. Something wasn’t adding up.

  “Too bad it’s a little late to disappear and give it all to you.” I lifted one wrist to look at the band there.

  “As if anyone would let you do that for a fuck up like me.” He shook on it then pushed his fingers into my hair, and kicked his feet up on the rail.

  I’d never said let. But I didn’t press the point. “You know you’ll be acting Baron when I am Empress, as Phillip has stated his intentions.”

  “I guess I’ll have to step up then.” He rolled his eyes. “But can you do something about the Candor girl?”

  I laughed for the first time in days because picturing Jacob with her was beyond amusing. I wanted to see the horrified look on his face when he saw her naked for the first time. At least I could fake this life enough to get by. If my parents knew what he was they would have suffocated him in the cradle.

  “I almost think being born a miner on Harden would be preferable to this.” I closed my eyes and imagined Madden coming home to me after a long day’s work.

  “Don’t drop your status that far. You’re used to quite a few luxuries absent from that world.” He gestured around us. The plates of food cast aside, I’d taken from the ceremony this morning. There were two chilled champagne bottles. I guessed he brought in with him still corked and full.

  “I’m eighteen, and have thus been crowned. I couldn’t get rid of the title if I ran away. Upon the Baron’s death I will be found and made to rule.” I rolled my eyes, tapping the irremovable bracelets I wore. “I am shackled to it now, anyway.”

  He traced his finger tip around the thin red bracelets. “I think you’re the first person to look at it that way, J.”

  “I thought about cutting my hands off to remove them. Do you really think that isn’t on purpose?”

  “At least you can live without hands?” He chuckled.

  I glanced down at my dress. The color ran as the light rain soaked it, causing all the pigment to muddle at the bottom creating an ugly brown color. “Do you think anyone would want to be bound to me without hands?”

  “You’re going to be more than bound to him after tonight.” He wiggled his brows.

  I wrinkled my nose.

  “He’s hot. I should be so lucky.” Jacob scoffed.

  “That Candor girl is, too.”

  It was his turn to wrinkle her nose. “You know what she’s missing?”

  “Wit?”

  He laughed. “Aside from that. A nice thick…”

  “Don’t say it.”

  “Like you don’t like to be fucked as much as I do.” He smiled sweetly.

  I held up a hand, wrinkling my nose. “Can we change the subject?”

  He was quiet for a moment then say. “You couldn’t have said no. You know it as well as I do.” He looked me in the eyes. “Don’t pretend it was a choice for either of you, and if it was, you made the wrong one. He can’t change who he is any more than you can change who you are.”

  “I made the wrong one.” I stared back unwavering. “I am bound ’til death.”

  “I think there is more to it than that. They started with this procedure so there was a true heir, to end the squabbling. It’s not a cage, J. This will give you all the freedom you want. And you know you’ll be good at it. You’ve been preparing for it your whole life.” He paused, and I knew he truly thought I was better suited for it than he was, but he was so smart. Smarter even than I was, he was just too lazy to put it to work. “Just the other day you gave the Baron the strategy to reroute the trade ships, and your insight about the attack at Caspian galaxy border.”

  “You know Madden gave me half the information for that.” I hated when he denied what he was for me, and the Baron. I was good at strategy, but he was the science oriented one. He was too eager for me to do my duty. Something had changed. There was something I was missing, and I hated it.

  “You still put it together.” He pushed to his feet. “Come drink this champagne with me.” He stepped off my dress and offered me his hands.

  I rose to my feet and followed him into my room. I would drink with him, but he was right. I was a master of strategy, and I wasn’t using it. I had been slacking, not paying attention. That needed to change. It hit me suddenly as I watched him get up. As he helped me to my feet I lifted his comm from him.

  He turned his back to pour us drinks, and I entered in Madden’s scan and sent a message from Jacob’s comm. I tucked it into my pocket before Jacob turned around offering me one of the drinks.

  “Fuck him on the side once you’re settled into your position. Hell, take him as a personal slave.”

  “You really think the Emperor will let his wife have a dick on the side.”

  “When you put it that way.” He threw back his drink. “When you’re the one with the power in the relationship it’s different I guess.”

  I nodded watching him drink. “It would work with a trophy husband, never with Phillip.”

  He looked annoyed I’d seen through him. He was hiding something.

  Jacob’s comm vibrated in my pocket. No matter who it was from, I’d learn something from the message. I had a feeling about it.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Jocelynn

  Phillip pushed open the door.

  “You look like hell,” Phillip said to me as he took a glass Jacob offered him, his eyes never leaving mine.

  “The rain. I stayed outside too long.”

  “I had to drag her inside,” Jacob added.

  “Are you a great lover of the rain, my lady?” Phillip was almost too smooth at times.

  “That I am.”

  I went to the bar to freshen my drink, racking my brain for an excuse to get away from the pair of them. Then it struck me. Phillip had given me the out himself.

  “We are losing her,” Phillip hissed.

  I acted like I hadn’t heard as I filled my glass.

  “What do you want me to
do about it?” Jacob shot back. I could hear the grit in his voice.

  They were in on it together. Whatever it was. I squeezed my comm in my hand. I couldn’t will myself to care what they were speaking about.

  “I don’t know, but nothing will work out without this.” Phillip leaned closer to Jacob, and they studied each other for a moment. “I feel like she she’s getting further away from me.”

  Jacob sighed and said something under his breath. But I couldn’t make it out. I moved to get closer, getting curious, but the comm vibrated again. My heart stopped in my chest. It had to be him. No one else would message twice in so little time. I moved my hand away to see the letter M flash on the screen. Forgetting about the hushed conversation, I made my hurried apologies about needing to clean up and ducked into my private chambers.

  M: Jocelynn?

  M: What is this?

  M: It has to be you. Only you would message me from your brother’s comm. What’s wrong?

  J: You replied!

  M: Why wouldn’t I? I’ve been messaging you for two days. You’re the one who cut me off.

  J: I messaged you. I swear. I got nothing. Someone must have messed with my comm.

  I almost sank to my knees as emotions washed over me.

  M: Who would have done so?

  J: I don’t know.

  J: I could barely a day without speaking to you.

  J: I’m so sorry. You have to know that.

  I was rambling. There was too much whirling around in my mind. God, he was so stubborn some times.

  J: Think about it. Why would I be on Jacob’s comm?

  M: I believe you.

  M: Are you okay?

  J: Not really. I’m dreading tonight.

  M: I know.

  I could feel the space and tension between us. It was like Phillip was the wedge driving us apart.

  J: I need to see you…

  M: What, why?

  J: Please just meet me.

  My brother and Phillip were still whispering, so I ducked out hurriedly walking toward my room. I had made up my mind. I needed to talk to him.

  M: I can’t.

  J: I have to feel you. I need you here. I…

  I couldn’t tell him why. Not yet. And not in a message this way. I could see him typing. It took forever for a message to appear.

  M: Colton will kill me. We have a dive tomorrow.

  It sounded like excuses.

  J: Madden, we need to talk.

  M: I’m sorry, but I can’t.

  J: Madden…

  M: I really can’t. I could lose my job, or worse.

  I didn’t know what to do.

  He didn’t reply, and I stood to pry myself out of the horrid red dress. I clawed at the back trying to undo the tied corset back, but I couldn’t reach no matter how I bent and twisted.

  “Need some help?”

  I looked over my shoulder at my brother. “Please.”

  He’d followed me, and I hadn’t even heard the door open.

  “I had to get out of this dress.” I offered him a fake smile. Everyone was against me.

  “Where are all your slaves? I wanted to borrow a few for an afternoon stress release before we have to be back tonight.” His nimble fingers worked over the back of my dress, and I felt it start to loosen until I could draw a full breath again. “I don’t know how they got you into that dress.”

  He seemed so normal. An eerie silence settled between us. What had happened?

  “They stood on my shoulders and pulled the dress tight.” I held the front, turning on him. “How do you think they get their muscles?”

  “I don’t care how they got the muscles, only how they use them.” He flashed me a grin. “Now where did they go?”

  “I dismissed the lot of them.” I slipped behind the screen to change to sweats. Madden had once said he preferred me in them.

  “Well that was stupid before you’re out of your dress.”

  “Clearly I hadn’t thought it through.” I looked in the mirror as I stepped out from behind the dresser. I would leave my hair and fix it when I returned. There was too much paint on my face to try to fix. I would have to start over for the parties tonight. “You’ll have to find some other men for your afternoon orgy dreams.”

  “Why do you torture me?”

  When I turned I’d found he’d made himself comfortable on my bed. “Giving up on sex?”

  “Laziness is winning out.” He yawned. “Watch a film with me, and tell me how long you’re going to make Phillip wait for it.”

  I kept the shock off my face. “You know my feelings about that.”

  Jacob laughed. “Poor guy.”

  Before Madden, I would have fucked Phillip and enjoyed it. But now? I shook my head.

  “I don’t know. Nap if you want, I have to go,” I said.

  I slipped out of his room to send a message in the hall. I was going to have to do something now.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Madden

  There was no point in replying to her. I’d be off world soon enough. If I couldn’t be with her I was going to do something to change the universe. It was the only way I could reconcile with fate.

  “You know wages haven’t been paid, couldn’t if I wanted to.” I didn’t look up. He knew I was as much an addict as the rest of the group. I tried to focus on the words. I had been trying all damn day to no avail. “I only have a few bills left from…” I trailed off, pulling what I had left from my pocket, but he knew what I meant.

  He gave a low whistle. What I held in my hand was unbelievable to those who’d never been off planet. We stood in the small room I lived in that held everything I owned in it. I had no second thoughts about leaving it all behind. My comm vibrated again.

  “What if someone sees me? I thought I was laying low.”

  “None of them are on my crew, and if they realize it will be too late. Believe me, more is at stake here than credits.” He reached into the hip pocket of his coveralls and pulled out a handful of credits. “I’ll spot you. Take the rest of your credits to the exchange and get something you can use.” His words were loaded. “There is more than just a race out there.”

  I rubbed a hand over the back of my head and looked into his eyes. I knew what he was getting at. This was a cover so he could meet with his contacts. “I don’t want you to throw away your money.”

  He scoffed. “You forget you’re the best rider out there.”

  I picked up my comm then tossed it back down. I’d gone over and over our old conversations the last few hours. I couldn’t bear to think about where she was and who was by her side. I knew I could never be the guy who got to kiss her in the morning, let alone stand by her side.

  “I’m all right, but you know how long it’s been? Five months at least. You know what slow means.”

  “This is important.” He looked around and picked up my helmet. It had a long gash across the tip and was missing most of the paint. “I’ve got a couple o’ cans of this color I think. If we go now I can grab ’em on the way.” He would ignore me and keep pushing until I did what he wanted.

  Shit. I grabbed my keys. “I don’t even remember what mods I have on her.”

  “You’ve been riding her since you got back.”

  I shrugged. “I haven’t opened her up. You might have stripped her for all I know.”

  “Test it on the way, quib.” He flashed me a grin, and I knew from one look what to expect.

  I pushed both hands into my hair. I had to do something. I had to get out of my own head. Racing would do the trick. I couldn’t stand to be alone in my mind another night knowing what she was going to be doing. Would he touch her? How long could she really put it off if she was promised to him? Getting as close to death as possible was my only reprieve. It always had been. I yanked my helmet out of his grasp shoving it down on his head. I left my communicator on the desk, knowing she wouldn’t have time for me today even if she wanted to make up, which I doubted.

&nbs
p; “I don’t know why I bother with this anymore.” I looked over at my comm before closing the door and touched the key to lock it.

  He shot me a glance as we climbed onto the bikes, but didn’t ask. I tied the green strip of fabric I wore in the mines over my nose and mouth and brought her to life. It was a short ride to base of the mines. I followed after Colton opening it up behind him trying to get the feel of it back. This wasn’t the back and forth to work. This was going to be pushing it to the limit.

  The machines used antigravity and hovered a few millimeters over the rough road at full speed. The faster you went the more taxed the servos, pushing the limits of the antigravity. Too fast and the wheels caught on sharp turns. It wasn’t bad if handled correctly. But around the mines and the giant holes in the ground one mistake wouldn’t mean road rash and a few days at a healer’s. It would mean a fall to your death kilometers below.

  We slowed as we approached the factories and sheds on the outskirts of the mines. They were boarded on the far side by the space port. Colton wove through the buildings stopping at the one used for spare parts. In other words, junk they hoped to repurpose at some point. He set his helmet on his seat and used the large ring of keys to unlock the door to his shed. I followed him inside, and he went to the ancient color tinter and held a hand out for my helmet. He would infuse the pigment into the metal and restrengthen it. More than I’d expected.

  I turned to look around at the large building. If I had free rein of a place like this I could build anything I wanted. As the new engineer for Colton’s team I would get to work on the crap after my field training.

  “Don’t get yer hopes up. You need to make useful shit and not tinker.”

  I glanced over at him, and his back was still to me. “You don’t know what I’m looking at.”

  “I know you’re coveting my shit.” He chuckled. “I can see you eying the scrap like a starving man looks at a Baron’s daughter.”

  I winced. “Fuck that was a low blow.”

  “Too soon, eh?”

  I held up my middle finger hissing, “Shut it.” I ventured deeper into the warehouse. It looked a little like a dump with mountains piled to the ceiling. I glanced over my shoulder and grabbed a few odds and ends as I walked stuffing them into my knee pockets.