Volition

  I rub my left ring finger because it still hurts sometimes. I told Colin I should have had it set, but he convinced me it was only a sprain. It aches for no reason at all when I least expect it, and it’s throbbing now.

  “What are you doing?”

  I laugh a little because I feel like I should be asking him that question. I stand there and look at him for longer than I should. He’s beyond beautiful. He’s completely ruffled, and it’s all no one’s fault but mine.

  I sit on the bed next to him while I breathe this in. I love this—just being with him. He feels like an extension of me, so it’s almost like being alone with myself but better.

  He takes off his shirt and drapes it over the desk chair on his side of the bed. As he leans over, I see one scratch peeking out on his shoulder, and I think he’s going to have scars on his back forever. It gives me too much sadistic satisfaction in an I-was-here kind of way.

  “Were those ever there before me?”

  He laughs a little.

  “No.”

  He takes his suit jacket off of me.

  I let him do it because he’s mesmerizing. Whenever I look at him, it’s that kind of desire that has me biting my tongue and my finger, and my eyes roll back in my head because I can’t do anything else. I’ve wanted that for I don’t know how long. I just never thought I’d get it. It’s even better because I can tell he feels the same way about me.

  He gently pushes on one of my shoulders with his hand, so I’m pressed back against the sheets. He kisses my collarbone, takes my hand, and twines our fingers together, and we just exist together in my bed.

  “I could use this tonight,” I tell him as I breathe deeply. “Well, every night. But especially tonight.”

  “I don’t ever want to sleep without you,” he tells me, his voice soft.

  “I love you,” I whisper as I turn over to face him.

  His fingers flex in mine, and the most genuine smile I’ve ever seen appears on his face.

  I said it first. I thought I’d never say it first, but I just did. I’m not sure if I’m Old Tate or New Tate or any Tate at all.

  “I love you,” he says back, like he knows I hate the word too at the end. Like it means less if you’re just the one responding. “I love you so much,” he adds with a light kiss.

  I think I might like it when everything is right with the world after all.

  I might even love it.

  Now

  MY BEAUTIFUL SISTER is married.

  Everything is right in the world, and she’s happy. I’m happy for her.

  Lara has avoided Hayden and me so far, so I can’t complain. Now, all that’s left is for me to say good-bye to my parents, and Hayden will whisk me back off to New York.

  “I need a few minutes alone with them,” I tell him as he walks me to the cemetery. “Then, I’ll introduce you.”

  A normal person would think I was crazy, but Hayden isn’t exactly normal, so I think he understands. He releases my hand and lets me take my own path to speak with Maggie and Denny.

  “It was beautiful,” I tell them like they can hear me. “I wish you could have been there to take her down the aisle. It was scary. I look enough like Cece that, for a moment, I felt like I was watching myself on Julian’s arm.”

  I hear footsteps, but I know it’s not Hayden. I feel sick, and all the strength I’ve gained since leaving this place leaves me.

  “I always thought I’d be at the other end of the aisle,” I hear Jesse say, but I don’t turn around yet. “Not him.”

  My heart turns ice cold, and I hear him kick the dirt. I’m not the sister who got married today, so I’m not sure how that last statement applies.

  “Go away,” I tell him as I turn to face him.

  He has his hands in his pockets, and he’s dressed nicely, but not like Hayden. I can see him standing on the edge of the property line, trying to decide if he should come intervene or not.

  “Didn’t you see that, Tate? Didn’t you always see me?”

  “Yes,” I say between my teeth. “That was until you broke me.”

  “You broke me first.”

  He steps up and takes his hands out of his pocket. Then, he gets so close to me I almost can’t stand it. We haven’t been this close in a long, long time, and I want to take a step back. If I do, he wins, so I hold my ground.

  He takes a strand of my hair between his fingers, and I can’t help but notice there’s something about him that’s changed.

  “You look different,” he says, echoing my thoughts. “In a good way.”

  I almost lose my breath because Jesse has evolved in a few short months. He’s smoother, sleeker, more like what I’ve always wanted him to be. I know he’s with Jasmine though. She said as much when I saw her in New York.

  “Go away, Jesse,” I say as I shut my eyes because I can’t look at him anymore.

  He leans in and kisses me on the cheek, and I feel like my skin is now a pathway to Hades.

  “Tate?”

  I hear Hayden’s questioning voice, and he’s looking at me like he might kill Jesse. There’s hurt in his eyes, and I remember last night.

  I love him.

  I choose him.

  I shove Jesse away with both hands, and he takes two steps back. His eyes are still on me with that lazy stare he’s had since high school.

  The two men that are my past and my present look at each other when they pass by, but neither of them says a word. It’s like two worlds are colliding, and I can only stand and watch in horror.

  When Jesse’s far enough away, Hayden rushes to me.

  “Are you okay?”

  I nod, but tears start streaming down my face.

  He pulls me to him, and the sobs start. I look up, and Hayden’s jaw is set tight, like he doesn’t know what to do either. There’s not exactly a handbook for soul mate/love-of-your-life encounters when they don’t exist in the same person.

  I didn’t say anything, and neither did Jesse, but Hayden knows who he is. Jesse recognized Hayden, of course, because you’d have to be living under a rock not to know who Henry Hayden Rockefeller is.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, feeling like I might throw up. “I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know why he’s here.”

  “Shh…” Hayden says, his hands moving through my hair. “You didn’t know. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  He takes my face in his hands and wipes my tears with his thumbs. Then, he kisses me softly and turns to face Denny and Maggie.

  “Can I have a moment with them?” he asks gently.

  I’m too upset to leave him, so I pull myself together and sit on the edge of the fence, out of earshot.

  I watch as Hayden kneels and puts his hands down on the grass in front of each of their graves and bows his head.

  I have no idea what he’s doing, but I want him to hurry up, so I’m not alone. I feel like Jesse might reappear out of nowhere to torture me.

  Hayden stands and walks to me with a look on his face that I don’t quite understand.

  “Want to go home?”

  He holds out a hand, and I’m only too willing to take it.

  “Yes.”

  Hayden’s driving us back to the airport, and I’m happier than I have been in a long time. We had to have a reckoning here, and I hated it, but it’s all over.

  At least I think that until I see a sign on the side of the road, and I realize I’m not quite done yet.

  “Pull over there,” I say, pushing the steering wheel lightly. “I have one last grave to visit.”

  He does as I asked, and we go down the winding road, past a house that slightly resembles the Hale house and down to a dirt road that leads to the cemetery.

  I don’t have any flowers, but he never would have wanted them. I might have some gummy sharks left. He would find that funny, but his parents and the caretakers wouldn’t.

  Hayden follows a few steps behind me as I walk to a familiar plot that’s newer than all the rest.

  I have
n’t been here since it happened although I should have visited. Colin and I should have come here together, but we didn’t.

  I put my hands out the same way that Hayden did over my parents, like I’m joining with the earth. I can’t help but start to cry again because it’s a day for that. I’m coming to terms with so many open ends I’ve had in my life, and it’s the catharsis I’ve needed for years to become a whole person instead of just a shred of a soul inside of flesh.

  I speak to him softly. I’m still not sure how to say it in a normal tone because I can’t believe it’s real. I lived through that night, but it’s not something I hold to be true in my memory. At least not until now that I see his name on a headstone over the ground where he’s buried.

  We didn’t grieve for him like we should have. None of us knew how. We simply let him go. We simply moved on because that’s who we were.

  I wish I had Catherine here with me. She would do this better. She would do more justice to my first love, if only it was someone she liked.

  “Good-bye, Casper.”

  Then

  COLIN HAD DRESSED up as a vampire, and I decided to match. Catherine was running around in a Pocahontas costume, and none of us could decide whether it was appropriately ironic or politically incorrect.

  We went to the local Halloween store the week before to get custom-fit vampire fangs, so they looked disgustingly real. Meanwhile, Catherine was trying to drip fake blood all over our tattered clothing.

  “It’s all dried up. Sorry, guys,” Catherine said wistfully as she threw the container in the trash.

  Damn. We should have waited to buy it closer to Halloween. The cheap stuff always dried up too quickly.

  “What are we going to do now?” Colin whined. “We can’t be vampires without blood. Now, we’re just people with fangs. That sucks.”

  I laughed at the irony of his unintended pun, and she shoved me in the arm.

  “We need blood for this to work, or else I’m not going.”

  Casper was already sloshed-out drunk, and Catherine was talking to some girl who’d dressed as Tinker Bell and had randomly appeared in Colin and Casper’s suite. There were enough people around that no one was paying attention to us specifically.

  “Fine.”

  I reached up and tore Colin’s shirt even more so that the skin near his shoulder and collarbone was exposed. Colin was a lot taller than me, so I had to lean on him for support.

  I felt the fangs penetrate his skin, and two tiny puncture holes were framed by the rest of my bite mark on his shoulder.

  “What the fuck?”

  Colin pushed me away and examined his shoulder, which was now covered in blood.

  “That’s sick. But it works.” He smirked in approval.

  He shrugged and smeared it around, so it looked gorier. Then, he ripped the other side of his white shirt, so his other shoulder was exposed.

  We both knew this was infernally bizarre, so neither of us said anything. I reached up and bit the other side, and this time, he smeared it on his neck. When I pulled back, I actually had blood dripping off my fangs, so I didn’t bother to wipe it. It tasted the way dirt smells.

  I pulled my own shirt to the side, and Colin quickly returned the favor. The pain wasn’t bad, and now, we didn’t only look like vampires. We were vampires.

  “Oh, cool,” Catherine said as she returned with her makeup, fully finished. “Where did you guys get the blood?”

  Colin wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, smearing my blood all over his face in the process.

  “Wait. Why does it look like that? This is so realistic.”

  Catherine poked her finger near one of my wounds, and her face quickly turned from perplexed to horrified as more blood dripped out when she touched it. It was already beginning to clot, but it wasn’t an entirely small wound either.

  “No,” she whispered. Her hand flew to her mouth. “What…”

  Colin swallowed, and I knew he couldn’t tell her.

  “We bit each other,” I said casually.

  We both figured Catherine wouldn’t speak to either of us for a week as she turned around with her hands up in the air, clearly exasperated.

  Someone announced that we were leaving to go to the house where the party was being hosted, so I looked around to find Casper slumped over on the sofa.

  “Come on, we’re going,” I told him as I pulled on his arm.

  He resisted for a moment, but he finally gave in when Colin pulled on his other arm.

  “Come on, asshole, it’s time to party,” he said. He left me with my intoxicated boyfriend.

  I was slightly concerned because Casper was already a mess, but this wasn’t something new. Casper could handle himself no matter what substances he’d consumed. He was like some kind of superhuman that way. I was sure he would perk up soon, so I looped my arm through his and followed the crowd.

  As soon as we got there, I lost him, but it didn’t matter.

  He was my boyfriend in name, but we both knew we were together solely for convenience and comfort, nothing more. I loved him, but not in the way you should love someone you were in love with.

  My heart ached for Jesse like it always did because I wanted him to be the one I reached for. I wanted everything on earth with him, and I knew I’d get none of it.

  Several hours later, I found Colin and Catherine making out at the top of the stairway, which annoyed me because I was upset.

  Nothing about the night was fun because I couldn’t keep Jesse out of my head or any other part of me, not to mention I’d lost my flower crown made out of black roses. I was bored, and if I was bored, someone should be bored with me.

  I felt hands around my waist.

  “Hello, beautiful,” Casper whispered in my ear.

  I could smell the alcohol from his breath without turning my head. I wanted to gag.

  His body pushed mine closer into the railing of the stairway where the catwalk overlooked the lower floor. I felt the banister waver, and fear crept through my body.

  If Casper pushed hard enough, it would give way. There were several other people leaning on it, making it weaker than it would normally be, but they weren’t paying attention like I was. I was looking straight down on the party below, whereas they were all laughing and talking, casually leaning.

  His hips shoved further into mine from behind, and in that moment, I saw what it would look like if I fell, broken body and all.

  “Casper, stop,” I said, pushing back as hard as I could.

  I wasn’t completely sober, and I wasn’t as strong as him. He wasn’t a small person, and in his drunken hazy state, he was completely immovable.

  I didn’t usually fear mortality, but I feared it tonight because Jesse was on my mind. I didn’t want to die without knowing what would happen to us. If there would ever be an us.

  I should have been more concerned with losing contact with him over the years, but death might as well be my middle name, so that was what I was thinking about.

  “Casper!” I screamed a little bit too shrilly in a voice that didn’t sound like mine.

  I felt the railing shake again, and then he moved.

  At that point, I realized it was only because Colin was forcibly pulling him off me.

  “What the fuck, man?”

  I caught a glimpse of Catherine over Casper’s shoulder, watching with both hands over her mouth. Several people had stopped what they were doing, too, but Casper wasn’t going to let Colin stop him. For some reason, he wanted to be much too close to me, and he didn’t realize how aggressive he was.

  He narrowed his eyes and tried to get back to me.

  The next few seconds happened slowly in my mind although I wasn’t sure they happened at all until I saw the aftermath.

  Colin looked to me as if he was asking for approval for what he was about to do.

  I nodded ever so slightly because I knew it wouldn’t go well for me if Casper was allowed to take a few steps forward. He would get to me
before I could get away, and I might go over the railing.

  Colin’s fist connected with Casper’s face with a hard crunch, and I wasn’t sure whose body emitted that sound. Casper fell to the floor with a thunk, and blood streamed from his nose.

  I breathed a sharp sigh of relief even though Colin had just punched his best friend.

  “Help me move him,” Colin said as he raked a hand back through his hair, which had fallen over his face.

  Catherine scrambled to help us, and the sea of people parted as we dragged him through the hall to the nearest bathroom.

  Something was starting to come out of his mouth, and it looked a lot like vomit. There was still blood streaming from his nose with no sign of stopping, and it was all over Colin and me.

  “Why is he bleeding so much?” Catherine asked as Colin put Casper in the recovery position on the tile. “It’s a lot. Should we call someone?”

  “I’ve seen him worse,” I told her.

  His body was wrecked from years of hard drug use, but he always came out the other side when he went too far and took too much. I never thought I’d see it all catch up with him.

  “He’ll be fine.”

  I took a towel off the rack and wiped Casper’s nose and face. Then, I dampened it, so I could put it over his forehead.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whispered because I felt like I was the one who punched him instead of Colin.

  It may not have been necessary, but I feared for my life for more than a few seconds, and Casper could probably stand to sleep off whatever he’d ingested.

  His nose would heal, and we’d all be fine, albeit a little bloody.

  “It’s okay. I’ll stay with him.”

  I sank down to the floor, but neither Colin nor Catherine made a move to leave.

  “I’ll be fine, I promise,” I said with a faint smile. Then, I said to Colin, “Thank you.”

  “Always,” he said with a nod as he reached for Catherine’s hand.

  They left the room, and I reached out to push Casper’s hair back from his forehead. I always liked that when Catherine had done that for me when I was sick on the bathroom floor.