by Lily Paradis
My eyelids fluttered, the party noise around me fell away, and I couldn’t help but fall asleep.
When I woke, everything was silent.
It was eerily silent.
I looked around and remembered where I was. The first thing I noticed was that my back and my head ached because I’d passed out, sitting up on the tile floor next to Casper.
My stomach plummeted.
Casper.
The next thing I saw was him as I looked down.
There was blood all over me, the floor, and him. It was a significant amount, and more than I remembered, but that was probably because I’d had a few drinks.
This wasn’t right.
Nothing was right.
There was an empty bag with white powder remnants clinging to the plastic hanging out of his pocket. His skin was a strange color, and I didn’t have to check for a pulse to understand.
We were so stupid last night. We let him overdose, and I let him die on the floor beside me.
There wasn’t any oxygen to breathe in the air, or my body couldn’t process it. Tears started streaming down my cheeks, and although I’d seen death before, it wasn’t like this.
It wasn’t so visceral.
I staggered to my feet and out of the bathroom, sobbing as I went to find Catherine and Colin. I didn’t want to leave Casper alone, but I guessed he wouldn’t care anymore.
I found them in the second bedroom I checked.
They looked so peaceful, wrapped up in one another, and I was about to shatter their world.
So, I didn’t.
I pulled Catherine’s phone off the bed beside her because I didn’t know where mine was.
I dialed three numbers and placed the receiver to my ear.
“Nine-one-one, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi,” I said, “my friend is dead in the bathroom.”
I gave them the cross streets I could remember and then disconnected the call.
Colin was awake and looking at me now, but his arms were still around Catherine. His eyes were dark as if he was asking me if this was real.
I nodded at him before I went downstairs to wait for the ambulance.
It didn’t even have the sirens on when it arrived because there was no one here to save.
Now
HALLOWEEN IS MY favorite holiday of the year, but it carries a certain macabre nostalgia. Casper died on this day. Colin has assured me over and over that Casper would have done himself in multiple times by now if that night hadn’t happened, which I know is true, but that doesn’t help to free me from the guilt that I feel that Colin had to drag him off me.
If I had just called nine-one-one earlier, Casper might have lived. We would probably still be together if he was alive anyway, and I’d be in Charleston.
I would never have met Hayden.
I don’t want to be grateful that Casper died, but I guess I am today.
I took the afternoon off of work to spend it with Hayden because he claims to have a surprise that’s worthy of playing sick.
One of my stories is being run in the Times again today, so I’m not sure they’ll mind anyway.
“You’re coming tonight, right?”
Catherine has already called me twice to make sure I’ll be at the Halloween party Hayden’s hosting.
“Of course I’ll be there,” I tell her. “Where else would I be?”
“I’ll see you at seven,” she says before hanging up. She’s coming by my apartment to walk over with me.
I’m not sure why she’s so concerned, but she knows I just visited Casper’s grave after the wedding so that wound has been reopened, and I’m more volatile. Scratch that, I’m always volatile.
I get a text from Hayden, which surprises me that he’s already downstairs, waiting for me. I check it as I walk out my front door to the elevator.
Instead of pressing the ground floor, I press the roof button. I’m not sure why, but he has something up his sleeve.
Sure enough, the doors open, and I have to squint my eyes because there’s a helicopter sitting on my roof.
With my Rockefeller of a boyfriend climbing out of it.
“Ready?” he shouts over the whirring blades. He puts one hand on the small of my back.
I’m not sure what to say, so I just nod and follow him, ducking my head when I climb in. Hayden gets in behind me and hands me a headset.
“Where are we going?”
He reaches back and pulls something out of his pocket.
“This is the fun part,” he says.
I know he’s going to tie that thing around my face.
I let him do it because he looks like a kid in a candy store, and he’s clearly planned all this out. He kisses me softly once the black fabric is tied around my face. I can’t help but feel the irony that the first time he was sitting next to me on an aircraft, I was drunk and running from Jesse.
We’re not flying for long, so I’m sure we’re still in New York. Hayden hasn’t taken the blindfold off, so I only know we’re landing because my stomach drops during the descent.
Then, there’s a final landing kind of bump. The pilot cuts the engine, and the noise stops.
“Come here,” Hayden says.
I hear him opening the helicopter door. He takes my hand and leads me to the edge. Then, he lifts me out and sets me down onto the ground. There are leaves crunching beneath my feet, and that only confuses me more.
“Do you trust me?” he whispers in my ear.
That’s a silly question. I wouldn’t have let him blindfold me in the first place if I didn’t, but I think he just wants to hear me answer.
“Yes.”
He takes my hand and pulls, so I know to follow him, and I hear more crunching leaves. I want to cheat and pull the blindfold up just a little, so I can see out the bottom, but I don’t.
He wants this the way he wants it, and I won’t ruin it for him. He’s probably the only person in the world that I’d stand being surprised for. For anyone else, I’d want to know too badly, so I’d look.
My boots start to click as I walk when we hit another kind of flooring, and I think we’re inside. I’m confused because there aren’t other people talking, and unless they’re all staying extremely quiet, I think we’re alone.
Hayden stops and lets go of my hand, so he can take the blindfold off.
Finally.
He pulls the black fabric off my face, and it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust.
We’re in heaven.
Only, it’s my kind of heaven.
Anyone else might run screaming, but all I can do is look around and smile because I feel like I’m home. We’re in some kind of abandoned building that looks like an old mental hospital that you’d see in a horror movie. There’s debris strewn everywhere because no one has cleaned this up in who knows how long.
“What is this place?” I ask, turning around so that I can see more.
“North Brother Island,” Hayden informs me, watching me with his hands in his pockets.
He’s looking at me like I’m looking at this place, which gives me a strange sense of satisfaction.
All the paint is peeling off the walls, and there’s furniture everywhere. Some of it’s broken, and some is overturned. There’s glass in some of the panes, but a lot of it is missing.
I’m struck by the distinct lack of graffiti.
“Are we supposed to be here?”
I walk into the next room, and the floor is littered with books.
“No,” he says casually as he strolls behind me.
“Is this illegal?”
“Kind of.”
“And you just took a helicopter here?”
“Yes.”
“Are we going to get arrested?”
“We can’t stay for too long,” he says, avoiding the question.
There’s a bench on the far wall, but I can’t get to it unless I’m willing to wade across the sea of books that have probably been sitting here for decades.<
br />
One strikes my eye, and I reach to pick it up.
Nobody’s Boy.
I run my hands over the green cover before I set it down exactly how I found it.
“Most people take boats,” Hayden explains. “They row here. I didn’t want to end up in the East River that way, so here we are.”
“You’re so bad,” I tell him, not looking back. “Using Rockefeller perks left and right. I hope you don’t have a limited lifetime allowance, or you’re going to run out.”
“I don’t care,” he says.
I’ve said that phrase so many times in my life that I’ve lost count. We’re more alike than I ever would have thought, especially since I lied to him on our first date.
I start to walk up a staircase, but Hayden stops me.
“I’m not letting you go up there. Everything is subject to collapse, and nothing is up to code anymore.”
“If it ever was,” I say under my breath as I step outside.
Vines are taking over the red brick, and I find it refreshing that nobody has cut them back or made them pretty. I love that nature reclaims all in the end. Men made this building, but she’ll take it back. It’s a reminder that everything is temporary. We’re all so very, very temporary in the grand scheme of things.
“This is what’s going to happen to the whole world when it’s over,” I say, “when humanity ends. It’s like coming back to the dead.”
“From the dead?”
“No,” I say, stepping over a tree branch. “To.”
The light is fading now, and it’s low between the trees. I can see the New York skyline in the distance, and I love that this place is just out of reach, but it’s always in sight. I’m sure most people don’t even know it’s here. They would love it or hate it if they did. We feel this way about abandoned places because it’s a glimpse of what the world is going to look like long after we’re gone.
Hayden’s phone beeps as a reminder that we’re in the modern age, but I’ve hardly looked at him since we got here because I want to take everything in.
“Tate, we have to go,” he says.
My heart hurts.
I want to stay here and explore forever.
That’s the catch about the things we love. We can hold them for a short time, but in the end, we never know how much time we’ll have.
I decide this is a metaphor for Hayden because this place and thinking of Casper remind me that nothing is permanent.
I want to spend every second of the time that I have with Hayden appreciating him, so I turn around and take his hand.
“Thank you,” I say. I reach up on my toes to kiss him. “I love this.”
He leads me back to the helicopter, and I put my head on his shoulder.
“I love this.”
When we’re back in the city, the helicopter takes us to a city-sanctioned helipad this time, so we’re not breaking any more laws.
Al picks us up and takes us to wherever we’re going for dinner.
I’m surprised when I realize it’s the sushi place where Hayden brought me after he met me at the Met while I expected him to go to the Empire State Building.
It’s the place where I lied about being allergic to shellfish.
We’re sitting at the same table, and because I know Hayden the way I do, he’s making a point of something. I just haven’t figured out what it is yet.
He orders the same thing as last time, and Meredith appears with our drinks.
I can tell she’s confused as to why we’re back because last time we were here, I walked out on him.
His phone rings, and now, it’s his turn.
His face changes when he answers, and when he shoves it back in his pocket, I know he’s going.
“There’s an emergency,” he says. His face falls. “I’ll have Al drop you off at your apartment. I’ll see you tonight?”
I nod, and he kisses me good-bye, and now, I know what it’s like to be left alone at this table.
This isn’t the first time he’s had to leave in the middle of dinner, but today, it feels worse. After North Brother Island, I wanted one interrupted half-day with him without his last name pulling him away from me.
I sulk in the car all the way back to my apartment. I text Catherine and ask if she can come over early because I don’t feel like getting ready for Hayden’s party alone.
She texts me back that she and Colin are on the way, and I sip a glass of wine to make myself feel better.
I’m not sure what I even want to dress up as tonight. Catherine offered to bring me something. I haven’t fully committed to a costume since the night Casper died, and nothing seems appealing. Are you allowed to dress up when you’re an adult? I don’t feel like an adult, but here I am, sitting and sipping wine in my clock tower apartment that has my name on the rent.
Someone knocks, and I answer the door.
“Finally,” I say to Catherine and Colin as they each hug me. “I’m dying all alone up here.”
Catherine gives me a look that says that isn’t funny, but Colin manages a laugh.
Both of them are dressed in twenties attire.
“Let me guess,” I say, “Jordan Baker and Nick Carraway.”
“Smart girl,” Colin muses. He’s hiding something.
Catherine’s nervous, and Colin is hiding something from me, but I don’t know why, so I play along, hoping one of them will fold.
“And let me guess, I’m Daisy?”
Catherine unzips the garment bag she’s holding and throws it over the back of a chair. She pulls out a white flapper dress. It’s something that could be worn out in this time period, too, and I actually like it.
“Good work,” I tell her because I’m surprised that I’m happy with it.
I hold it up against myself.
“Come on,” she says as she pulls me by the hand to my bedroom. “We have to get to work.”
Colin parks himself on my couch and turns on the TV. He waves to me as if to say good luck because tonight, Catherine is the captain of this ship.
We’ve come a long way from biting each other for the sake of our Halloween costumes.
An hour later, I’m ready to go. I’m surprised to say that I look every bit Daisy Buchanan, but the irony isn’t lost on me. Colin used to compare Jesse to James Gatz when we were younger, only tonight doesn’t include Jesse at all.
I grab my purse, and the three of us walk arm in arm to the party with me in the middle, shivering against both of them in the cold October air.
The wind has just begun to get sharp, and whenever we walk around the corner of a building, it hits us like a train until we get behind the next concrete wall.
“Are we there yet?” I whine.
Catherine tells me, “Almost.”
I’m not sure where this party is, but the two of them know, so I’m tagging along like a lost puppy. I thought it would be in a Rockefeller building, but we’re nowhere near Rockefeller Plaza or Hayden’s apartment.
We’re coming up on the Empire State Building, and I look up at the lights on top, now tinted orange and white for Halloween.
Instead of passing it, Catherine and Colin pull me through the revolving doors.
“Here?” I ask.
“Here,” Colin confirms.
“Miss McKenna,” a guard greets me with a tip of his hat.
He knows me, and I’m not sure if that’s an honor or if I’ve been here too many times.
We go up the first escalator, and Catherine’s clutching my hand. She’s afraid of heights, but I’m sure the party isn’t on the observation deck.
They load us on the elevator that will take us up—one of the seventy-three—and I’m confused as to why there aren’t any other guests. I think maybe we’re early, and then we’re going up. My ears pop as usual.
Then, we’re being ushered out by another guard who leads us through the queue level that’s meant to entertain everyone as they wait to get up to the observation deck.
We bypass security
, and then they’re putting us on another elevator.
“Where are we going?”
Catherine and Colin both shrug and look at me with blank expressions on their faces, and we take this elevator up the rest of the way.
When we step out, I know something’s wrong.
There’s no one else here, and Hayden is nowhere to be seen.
I walk along the hallway first, and Catherine and Colin trail behind me.
I stop when I turn the corner where the observation deck begins.
My painting is sitting against the glass, and behind it, I can see the city sparkling beyond the deck. It’s my Pissarro painting that belongs in the Met. My two favorite things in New York are in the same place, and if that’s not a Rockefeller perk, I don’t know what is.
“What is this?” I ask.
Colin and Catherine take my arms on either side. The music playing softly over the speakers gets a little louder now, and I feel like I’m going to cry.
It’s not the song that I shared with Jesse, but it’s another Florence song that I’ve always considered to be mine and Hayden’s.
“Never Let Me Go.”
They walk me out onto deck, and the wind hits us. I wish I’d been smart enough to bring a jacket.
They let go of me, and I see Hayden standing with his back to us on the other end of the deck.
I walk to him because clearly I’m supposed to.
He turns when he hears my shoes against the concrete, and he looks better than Leo DiCaprio did as Gatsby, and that’s saying something.
He takes my hand, and I can tell he’s nervous. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, but I have an idea. He holds out his arm, and I take it. He walks me around the deck.
“I missed my plane, you know.”
“What plane?”
“The one I was supposed to be on when I was flying back from a meeting in Charleston the day I met you. If I hadn’t missed it, I wouldn’t have rescheduled. Then, I wouldn’t have met you.”
“Funny how things like that work out,” I muse as I shiver from the wind.
He drapes his jacket around my shoulders, and I pull it around me. I’m looking down, so he tips my chin up to kiss me.