River's Winter

by Leanne Davis

  He no longer hoped for it. Just being straight was enough of a challenge. He had to get through each day from now on without injecting his veins with poison. That was his only goal. When he succeeded, he considered it a win, but only for that particular day. The day he stopped winning, he figured his life would probably end. Knowing that his abused and polluted body had managed to survive all the maltreatment he inflicted upon it for this long was no guarantee of future survival. Recalling the torture he’d put it through in his early twenties, his endurance was more of a miracle than anything else.

  Then the door opened and there she stood. Hailey Starr Rydell was smiling while talking over her shoulder as she opened the door to him. After four long years and many miles, along with a host of horrors and loss, Hailey got her first glimpse of her son. Her eyes widened in surprise. Then she froze. Moisture filled her eyes in the same second and her mouth dropped open before it closed, and then opened again. She shook her head. No words came to her.

  Tears filled Jacob’s eyes too. He vividly recalled how drugs once owned him. All the crimes he committed and the losses he endured filled him with disgust for his whole life. Jacob rarely cried. He didn’t cry when his son’s mother died right beside him. Emerging from his own stupor, he wasn’t surprised to find her dead in the bed they shared. Sure, he panicked when he shook her and called her name over and over, but he never cried. He didn’t cry when he got caught breaking into a neighbor’s house and stealing the owner’s cash and jewelry. For only a spur-of-the-moment smash ‘n’ grab, he received a year in prison. His arrest and appearance in court before leaving for prison never made him cry either. He just never cried. Once, when he accidentally overdosed, he had to be medically resuscitated by paramedics. Even after he rejoined the land of the living, no tears of relief were shed.

  He could see all the devastation, confusion, and hurt he inflicted on his mother in her face. He saw her relief, following by an overpowering emotion: hope. Seeing that he was still alive filled her with renewed optimism.

  Knowing she still cared that he was alive unraveled all his sad years of silent apathy. The disconnection between his heart and soul and his brain was necessary once. He had to end it years ago. Only a monster or a psychopath would choose the path he did. What other explanation was there? He now intended to prove it was really a matter of suppression. He had to suppress his feelings. The loss of all the love, joy, family, and hope he missed in his life became painfully tangible.

  Blinking his eyes, he gulped at the immediate lump that climbed up his throat. With a shuddering breath, he said, “Hi, Mom.”

  Her eyes closed to contain the stream of tears and her entire body wavered. Then she blinked as she shook her head. “Jacob?” she replied incredulously as if he were a mirage her brain concocted.

  He nodded. “Yeah, Mom. It’s… it’s me.”

  Her face crumpled as she started to sob, and she suddenly launched herself at him. Jacob was tall at six foot four. Hailey was of average height, so he easily caught her. Trembling and shaking with the violence of her reaction, Hailey said, “I thought you were dead. I thought you were dead. Oh, my God! I can’t believe you’re here…” Her words, punctuated by sobs, blurred into unintelligible rambling. Leaning back, her hands cupped his face and she clasped his cheeks, turning his face this way and that, as if she dared not believe he was real. “Is it really you, Jacob?”

  “It is. I’m still alive.” He grabbed her hand in his own.

  She clutched him again and sobbed against his chest. He let her and closed his eyes, holding her close as her relief poured out. He was aware of all the stress and worry he’d caused her for years.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said. He had to blink when his eyes welled up. A few tears slid down his cheek.

  Hailey kept repeating, “I can’t believe you’re here. On this day. This wonderful Wednesday in November. I can’t believe this is really happening.”

  “I wasn’t sure how to approach you.”

  “Any way you like. Anytime. I wished you would come back to me for years. I’d never turn you away if you showed up. Well, wait… I did that, didn’t I? Fuck.” Combing her hands through her hair, she added, “I don’t know. I did it once, I threw you out and gave you an ultimatum I knew you couldn’t accept. I’ve suffered every day since then. I couldn’t do that again. No matter what. It all but destroyed me. It was so painful to know you were using, but it was much harder not knowing where you were or how you were doing. I assumed after so long… well, I thought you might be dead since I didn’t hear from you.”

  “I guess I was, at least for all intents and purposes. But now I’m here… and sober.”

  Hailey pulled back. “Jacob? Are you telling me the truth?”

  “Yes. I’m home now. I’m sober and I’m really sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry for everything I put you through.”

  Hailey’s breath whooshed out of her mouth and she bent forward as if his words were too much for her to bear. “I prayed so long, and I hoped for that. But I never thought I’d see you again, let alone hear anything as wonderful as this.” She pushed back and started drying her eyes. “There is so much to tell you and things I need to ask. I don’t know where to start…”

  His mouth tweaked up. “Asking me to come inside would be a good start.”

  She nodded and turned around. “Of course, Jacob. Come in. Come in. Come inside your home.”

  He followed her and stopped in the foyer. He hadn’t grown up there, but the décor, and the ambiance of the house reminded him of his mom. The feeling overwhelmed him, and he realized how much he missed, not only her, but also this. He shunned all of it for far too long. Family. Love. Care. Cleanliness. Order. All the things he took for granted.

  A sharp jab in his chest caught his attention and he stood still for a moment, shifting the weight on his feet, and feeling very uncomfortable. Home with his family now, he was a complete stranger. His mom shut the door behind him and asked, “Are you staying? Or just visiting?”

  “Staying. I was hoping to stay here for good, Mom. You can still do whatever you need to do. I won’t run away or do drugs again.”

  “I can’t believe you’re standing there telling me this.”

  “Yeah? Well, it’s been a long time coming.”

  She rubbed her hands together and a scraping sound made Jacob turn toward the living room. He glanced past his mom and his heart skipped a beat. His blood froze and then burned hot.

  Silas.

  There stood his son. Fidgeting and shifting from one foot to the other, Silas had blondish-brown hair, matching Jacob’s color exactly. It kept sliding over his forehead as he bounced in place. His huge, round eyes stared at Jacob before landing on Hailey. They were the same tawny color of Jacob’s irises. Jacob’s breath rushed out of his chest as if the wind were knocked out of him. Silas was standing. He was also smiling, staring, and processing who Jacob could be and why his mom was crying. Duh. The last time Jacob saw Silas, he wasn’t even crawling; he’d been no more than a wiggling infant. Now? He was already five. His gaze met Jacob’s. He was unabashed as he looked at Hailey who was wiping away her tears and slowly regaining her composure. Jacob’s throat tightened, and he couldn’t pronounce any words. His son. Silas was his flesh and blood. And he was huge now. Shock, confusion, regret and most of all, pain, slashed at Jacob’s heart. He’d missed so much.

  “Mom?” Silas said, and his tone was squeaky. He obviously worried why his mom was crying.

  Mom. Jacob’s mom was also Silas’s mom.

  That revelation stabbed through Jacob’s gut. He set the whole thing up. He caused it to be, and now his son called his mother the same name that he used for her. He turned Silas’s grandmother into the only mom Silas ever knew.

  “Oh, Silas. Hey, sweetie. Everything is okay. This… this is… this is…” Hailey stuttered as she glanced at Jacob. Did she hope he’d throw her a life preserver? She was currently drowning as she tried to figure out what to say. Jacob didn’t ha
ve anything to offer. What kind of explanation could describe his relationship to Hailey and Joey and Silas? He could not think of a single one that would make sense to little Silas. Jacob froze, bearing the burden of his entire life when he glimpsed the confusion in his own son’s eyes. He looked at Jacob without any flash of recognition. Jacob was no more than a strange man who came to Silas’s house one day. Jacob was no one to Silas.

  His mom floundered, and Jacob grew more uncomfortable. “I’m Jacob,” he said as simply as possible.

  His mom rested her hand on Silas’s shoulder, squeezing it. “Yes, yes, it’s Jacob. My… well… Remember when I told you I had another son? Brianna’s brother? Jacob is him.”

  His sister’s brother. Hailey’s son. Silas’s father.

  But his mom spared him from the last description. Biting his tongue to contain his resentment, Jacob reminded himself that he had no paternal claims or rights. Whatever lies they told Silas were due to his own actions. Jacob was the root cause of any lies or evasions Silas was led to believe. After all, they raised him, not Jacob. Jacob had no voice. No authority. No respectful place in his son’s life. How could he?

  “Hi,” Silas said while smiling up at Jacob. The concern vanished from Silas’s expression, and unconditional acceptance replaced it. It was so obvious that Silas accepted his name was Jacob and he was simply Brianna’s brother. No confusion or worry for Silas. It made Jacob’s gut ache. Silas ran forward and hugged Hailey, pressing his face against her thigh for a brief moment before he giggled and turned to peek at Jacob.

  Jacob’s once icy, numbed heart cracked at the sound of his son’s laughter. Jacob was elated when the most innocent giggle escaped Silas’s little, bowed, pink lips. Just listening to his son speak filled him with overwhelming emotion. He was floored by the innocence. The visible joy. The unbearable sweetness. Everything that was lacking in Jacob’s life for the past decade seemed to be located right here inside Silas.

  And all because Jacob wasn’t there.

  Hailey reached down and brushed her fingers absently through Silas’s soft, straight hair, reassuring him gently, as she did with any child, but her gaze remained riveted on Jacob. He looked up at Hailey and expected to find anger, resentment, even suspicion, or worry over what might have motivated Jacob to show up at her door unannounced. In the past, he only brought bad news, asking for money or a place to stay after fleeing from the town of Everett where his dad lived. But on his mom’s face now, Jacob could only see her gratitude. Her kind expression shored up his confidence. Coming home like this, without any plans or announcements, was a crappy, risky thing to do. Not only to his mom, but also his sister and everyone else. But Jacob didn’t know how to re-enter their lives. He virtually bombed the last bridge his family put out for him to come back on. If his mom was worried over what to say to Silas about Jacob or how to reconcile his sudden appearance, none of that occurred to her now.

  Not yet.

  Just wait. It wouldn’t take too long for her to step back and remember the past decade when Jacob used, abused, hurt, and lied to her. She’d soon grow suspicious of his presence and there was no doubt that he deserved it.

  “We, I mean, I was just making dinner. Come in. Come in. There is nothing more I’d like right now than for you to join us.”

  Silas released Hailey’s leg and turned toward Jacob. Jacob smiled again, staring with longing at his child as he replied to his mother, “I’d very much appreciate that.”

  Then to Silas he added, “What were you doing before I came?”

  “Making Play-doh. You wanna see?”

  Jacob did. He longed to see whatever Silas was doing on this ordinary evening in November. It didn’t matter that every other evening of Silas’s life for the past four years was a mystery to Jacob. Silas scurried across the hardwood entry, raced down the steps into the sunken living room and hurried across the floor to a little table—just his size—with Play-doh on it. Jacob saw all kinds of brightly colored, plastic tools and he walked over to kneel beside the table. Silas grinned.

  “This machine makes candy. Watch. I’ll make you some.” Silas loaded the battery-operated machine on the table with fresh Play-doh. It moved on a little conveyor belt which stamped a design before cutting the colored substance into smaller squares. They popped out at the other end, looking like individual pieces of candy.

  “There. Bubble gum flavor.”

  Jacob swiftly took the pink square into his hand and grinned as he pretended to bite into it. “Best flavor there is. You must be a master confectioner.”

  Silas giggled. “I’m filling up the jar… See?” He returned with a clear, plastic jar that once held jelly beans. It was half-filled with his Play-doh assortment of fake candy.

  Staring at it for several minutes, Jacob looked up at Silas’s clear, perfect face and observed the innocent expressions that crossed it with each passing moment. His heart felt wrung out and it twisted in his chest. He missed it all. This tiny person—this dear, little boy— had grown up healthy. Being nurtured, he flourished and thrived under his mom’s tenderness and care and Jacob managed to miss all of it.

  The worst part was, he never even cared about Silas until last year. That honest admission was shattering. He was humbled and appalled to realize how much he’d given up. And for what? That fucking poison? Silas happily cranked out more “candy” as he chattered, smiled, and showed Jacob his work. There was no rancor or even real curiosity as to why Jacob was there now. There was only acceptance.

  Jacob wished he could pick up the rest of his life and make it so simple.

  He wanted to move on without a litany of apologies and harping over the missed years. The crimes he committed. The heroin he scored. He hoped to be forgiven and acknowledged just for coming back. There was no good reason for him to backpedal through the horror show of his former life. Only a five-year-old could receive him with so much openness and lack of concern as to why Jacob suddenly appeared from the blue.

  His mom stood there watching Jacob mixing up Play-doh with Silas. It made his heart hurt, but Jacob could not resist the urge to do it. There was so much turmoil he managed to ignore for a decade, especially as he sought his sobriety. All at once, he could see the hope, confusion, and expectation manifested in his mom’s green eyes as she stared hard at him.

  Hailey’s anxiety was overt and real, announced by her fingers tapping on her thigh. Finally, she said, “Silas, Jacob and I will be in the kitchen making dinner. If you need us, just call, okay, honey? You keep filling up that jar, so Daddy can buy some candy from you, all right?”

  “Sure, Mama. I gonna be rich.”

  Hailey stared with tight lips as she met Jacob’s gaze. She did not miss his flinch when she said “Daddy” while referring to Joey. Shit. This was going to be hard. But Jacob came prepared to face it. After years of avoidance, he was ready to live there.

  Jacob followed his mom into the kitchen quietly. Again, the décor and her special touch were visible everywhere, from the live herbs in the kitchen window sill to Silas’s drawings magnetically attached to the door of the fridge. “He’s going to be awfully confused.”

  “Yes, he will be.”

  “What have you told him about me?”

  She started to open the refrigerator and her shoulders slumped at his question. “You were gone, Jacob. We had to take care of him the best way we could.”

  “I know. I’m grateful for it too. I was pretty bad off then and Teresa was far worse, as she proved by her overdose. I don’t know what would have happened to Silas if not for you and Joey.” Teresa was Silas’s mother. His girlfriend of a year overdosed and died not long after they abandoned Silas as an infant.

  “I don’t know either. But it couldn’t have been any worse than what I imagined must have happened to you, Jacob. I pictured you dead in an old building, lying there undiscovered, rotting away. Then I imagined you were killed for drugs or money. However, my favorite and most hopeful fantasy, although it was rather grim, was that y
ou were in jail somewhere. At least that way you would still be alive with a place to eat and sleep and would have access to medical care. Imagine that. My greatest aspiration for you was that you’d be locked up in prison and not dead somewhere that I could never find you to bury you.”

  “Mom—”

  “No. I’m sorry. For now, I’m just so glad you’re here. I don’t want to talk about the past. I want to talk about the present. And now. You’re really sober?” Her eyes glistened. It was the most profound expression of clear understanding Jacob had observed in a long while. She suffered, grieved, and ached for him while he was too high to notice her pain or really care.

  “Really. I swear to you. I’m not here to hurt you anymore; not this time.”

  “Or Silas?”

  “No one. I’m not here to hurt anyone. So, Silas thinks you’re his mom and Joey is—”

  “His dad? Yeah, I am. You fucking bailed and he had no one else.” A loud voice interrupted them.

  Joey. Jacob straightened up. He’d know Joey’s voice anywhere. Joey came in through the back door and stood near his mom.

  “Joey!” Hailey exclaimed. The shock and displeasure, as well as censure in her tone were strong. “Jacob?” Then his mom looked away and confusion filled her eyes. Her posture collapsed under the weight and stress of the brief exchange. Joey stepped forward to wrap his arm around her, half holding her up.

  Joey stared at Jacob long and hard. His gaze went dark and his mouth became a flat, straight line. Yeah, not exactly the same reception he got from his mom. The distrust and suspicion were evident in Joey’s scowling face. That was expected. Jacob knew deep down that Joey’s was the only reception that he deserved. Suspicion. Anger. Distrust. And maybe some hatred. This would be the retaliation for all the bad things he’d done in the past to the people he should have taken care of and loved. His mom, his son, his sister, and the list went on. Joey was included too. Joey was once his friend. When Jacob and his own father started butting heads, instead of being a father figure, Joey was the stern, fair, guiding hand that Jacob needed. But that was a long, long time ago. “What are you doing here, Jacob?”