by Leanne Davis
“Yes. I try to stay on my plan by following a routine, setting out tasks and goals that I can achieve. I am better, I swear to you.”
“What have you been doing? Where were you living? Where are you coming from most recently?”
“Seattle. Tacoma. I even lived in Portland for a while, until I overdosed in Federal Way. I moved around a lot, led a transient lifestyle. The woman who sponsored my rehab only asked in return that I work for her foundation for six months. I helped by raising money from prospective donors, telling true stories to other addicts and convincing them to seek help, and anything else I could to keep this costly rehabilitation funded. It works, yes, but at no small fee.”
“You did that? You worked for the rehab program?”
“Yes. I’ve also been working at a pizza parlor. I learned how to make pizzas. They partnered with the program and offer addicts like me a shot at a real job.”
“And now?”
His gaze wavered. “It all depends on you although I’d like to stay in River’s End.”
“With us?” Joey’s tone was hollow.
“I’d like to come home. I’m not here to cause any problems.”
Joey snorted. “That would be a first. That’s all you’ve done.”
“Not always. There was a time when I didn’t make you unhappy.”
“Maybe when you were a little boy.”
“My little boy. Shut up, Joey. You can’t do that. Don’t try to pit Jacob against us. Not now,” Hailey snarled, and Jacob winced. He didn’t mean to cause a rift on top of everything else.
“Mom,” Brianna admonished with a firm but gentle tone, “Joey’s just scared. You’re scared too. We all are. You two arguing, however, isn’t going to help it.” She looked at Jacob. “Why not go to Dad’s? It’s a lot closer. I know he hasn’t heard from you because I texted him as soon as Mom texted me. He was excited to hear about you, too.”
“No. I didn’t contact him.”
“What kind of game are you playing?”
“None. I actually never play games. Everything I did was a way to feed my drug addiction.”
“Okay, but you have to understand, Silas has a good home here with Joey and Mom. He knows them as his parents. You can’t expect to come here and just take him from them because you got your shit together.”
He nodded. “I have no intention of doing that. I have a lot to accomplish before I can start over. I’m trying to cover all the bases.”
“Why not contact Dad? Are you still holding a grudge from all those years ago? In fact, why don’t you tell me why you turned on Dad before all of this started? I’m getting tired of pussyfooting around you. I’m scared too. I don’t know if I’m ready to ride that roller coaster again. It was pretty hard. Very unhealthy. You broke our hearts. And Joey’s just protecting himself and Mom. You devastated her. He and I can’t allow that to happen again. So, tell me, why the games? Mom melts like butter for you since you’re her son, and she would accept you without any ultimatums, especially now.”
Jacob sucked in a breath. So it begins. He wasn’t expecting to have this particular conversation, but Brianna didn’t take any bullshit. “I started fighting with Dad because… well, damn it. At the time, I believed I was in love with Trinity and I thought Dad was deliberately keeping her from me.”
“What?” Brianna screeched.
Jacob forced a smile as if the irony and stupidity of his youth were too much to believe. “Yeah, what a fucking schmuck, huh? I secretly longed for Dad’s second wife and then blamed him for marrying her. I detested him for being with her. That was it. My juvenile crush created a resentment that came through in every interaction I had with Dad. I lost him at a time when I should have been reaching out to him for help.”
“I always thought Cami was the girl you wanted. But she only had eyes for Charlie. I thought you secretly loved her.” Cami and Charlie were their longtime friends who lived on the ranch year-round, when he and Brianna only lived there part-time. The four friends became a loyal quartet for years.
“I know. I dropped those hints, so you would never guess I dug Trinity. Even I knew I was a total asshole.”
Brianna sat back. “Wow.”
Jacob’s smile was tight. There were so many things he could not change, undo, or fix.
This was one of those frustrating things.
“We still have to call your dad. He’s as heartsick about you as I’ve been. In fact, your absence helped both of us bury the hatchet and stop dredging up the past. He sees Silas all the time. I mean, considering how far apart we live, he makes every effort. He visits at least one weekend a month and sometimes even more often than that,” Hailey said.
“I’m glad to hear that.” Jacob wasn’t sure how to answer.
“Yes, Silas knows me as his mom and he calls Brent Papa Brent, so it’s a little… odd.”
“What isn’t odd about this entire situation? But I know why that is, Mom, and you’re definitely not to blame.”
“Let’s call Silas in. No more discussion of this. Only happy talk now. Let’s just celebrate your return here tonight, and nothing else needs to be decided.”
“I’ll get him,” Joey rose to his feet and went into the next room. Silence descended until Joey came back with Silas in his arms. Silas was giggling over something Joey said and Joey’s scowl vanished as his genuine smile flashed at Silas. Swinging down from Joey’s arm, Silas ran over to slide into a chair with a blue booster seat on it.
“So, Silas, what did you do at school today?”
Beaming, Silas started talking about his lesson on the letter “T” before the students got to build their own train, which included coloring it, naming it, and mapping out the tracks. Silas’s joy easily vaporized the gravity and solemnity of earlier. Hearing all the events in a kindergartener’s busy day brought laughter and smiles to everyone’s faces.
There was so much Jacob wanted to know. He glanced at his sister, regretting everything that led to this. Silas had to catch his breath before he munched down on a piece of garlic bread, chewing with his mouth open, and Jacob couldn’t help staring hard at him. Forcing himself to pry his eyes off Silas—s five-year absence could not be atoned for in five hours—he nodded at his sister’s ring finger.
“You guys got married?”
“Yes. Two years ago.” Brianna’s quiet tone spoke volumes and there was no need for her to be loud or aggressive. Jacob was sorry he missed it, but it was difficult seeing Brianna hurt that he never even got wind of it.
Then she happily announced, “I’m also four months pregnant.”
“Really? That’s so wonderful. Congratulations, to both of you.” They proudly nodded and smiled. But Jacob still regretted his ignorance about his sister being married.
“Are you still working for the rescue?” Jacob asked Finn, but before he could reply, he added, “And Brianna, when did you get so good at American Sign Language? Are you still doing business sales online?”
“Yes, I’m still working with the rescue,” Finn answered, “but it’s morphed exponentially since the early days, all thanks to your sister’s involvement and fundraising. We have three separate barns now. We’ve pretty much become the go-to organization with most branches of law enforcement if they find abused and neglected horses. Not just across the state but the whole Pacific Northwest.”
Brianna smiled as Finn finished speaking and then turned toward Jacob, her hands interpreting the words she said out loud. “I learned ASL at school and now I work on an on-call basis as a translator. I still do the direct sales online, and I also work for Shield Shelter, do you remember that place Cami was involved in? Anyway, I work with them, as well as the ranch. I am in charge of the public relations and fundraising for both.”
“How do you find the time to breathe?”
“I like working under pressure.”
“She’s amazing at all of it. She’s done extremely well,” Finn added, and his smile beamed with pride at Brianna.
“
What made you decide to stay in River’s End? And the Shield Shelter? How did that happen? Don’t you have to live in Everett to work there? What about the baby? How will you—”
“Jacob, after being MIA for five years, not to mention before that, we can’t catch up on everything in one family dinner. If you really plan to be here more than one day, why don’t you just let things progress naturally?”
Stricken, he nodded in defeat. “I’m very sorry I missed so much.”
“Yes, we were sorry, too. But it can eventually be forgiven if you choose to stay. I mean it, Jacob. No more running. I see the look on your face. Don’t you dare give up and decide this is too hard to handle. Of course, it’s hard. Losing you was hard, too, so don’t even think about running away again. Stay here and make amends. Give us the time we need to process the knowledge that you are alive and well. Then, maybe we can start to work back through the layers and make up for the missing years. You have to stay in order to accomplish that.”
“Brianna’s right. She speaks for all of us. This moment feels so big, almost too big for me to know how to handle it. But stay with us, Jacob. Don’t feel overwhelmed. We can work through this… all of it,” Hailey interjected.
“Can you really forgive me? The more we dig into the past, the more I will have to ask to be forgiven.”
Hailey nodded. “Not a problem for me. I know I can handle it.”
“I agree,” Brianna said. “Can you handle it, Jacob? Or will you run away again? I don’t want to worry every moment I open my mouth that I might be saying the wrong thing. We both know that will happen eventually, because that’s so me.”
Jacob tolerated the heat of everyone’s gazes fastened on him. He glanced around, first at his mom, then his sister, and Finn before he replied, “I’m not going anywhere.” Then he pegged Joey with his eyes and added, “That is, unless I’m asked to.”
“You won’t be,” Hailey interrupted with a swift glare at Joey.
Jacob stared at Joey who didn’t reply to Hailey but managed to meet Jacob’s eyes in a stare-down challenge. Jacob didn’t feel obligated to defend himself to Joey. Yeah, of course he did to his mom and sister, but he wasn’t eating crow with his stepdad, who was way too young to be his damn dad. But what about Silas? Of course, Joey was his father for all intents and purposes. Jacob owed both of them and should have felt nothing but gratitude, but Joey’s briskness in his attitude woke up Jacob. It surprised Jacob, quite honestly. Pride and the urge to defend himself had been absent in Jacob during the last few years.
He straightened his back and stood up. He’d been fucking up for too many years. Dying behind a dumpster—what better symbol to represent all the abuse he inflicted on himself during his youth? That moment would be etched in his brain forever. He could never forget staring up at the big, ugly, green dumpster while he faded in and out of consciousness, all alone and barely alive. Nothing could have been worse than that.
So what if he spent two years coming to terms with what he’d done and trying to figure out how to rebuild his life? He didn’t want to fall right back into his old routine because of a single bad day. He needed to fortify his spine into steel before he faced his loved ones. That was why he waited two years. That was also why he didn’t feel worthy enough to reach out. He couldn’t come crawling back while he was still weak, scared, shaking, and sick. No. He had to be healthy and bear at least a slight resemblance to the kid they once knew, although they never met the man.
Neither had Jacob. But he was focused now, determined to become the man he should have grown up to be.
But to what end? Was it so he could get his son back eventually? Meeting Silas was the first step. Then Jacob wasn’t sure what to do, so he couldn’t articulate the end goal with regard to Silas. But a strong, irresistible tug drew him back to this house, and he sensed that it was not only for his mom, but also for Silas.
“In answer to your question, no, you don’t have to be so careful.” Jacob slid his glance to Silas, who shoveled his food in eagerly and chewed it up with huge, bug-eyed glee. Jacob’s heart swelled in his chest and it hurt. And although Silas was Jacob’s clone in appearance, Jacob didn’t know his son. How could he dare to call him his son when he hadn’t been present for most of Silas’s life? How could he make up for his unexplained absence in this child’s short existence?
He glanced up and found Joey staring at him as he studied Silas. Joey’s mouth was frozen into a thin, hard line. Jacob wondered how they could find a way to work through this situation. His mom seemed so relieved to see him again. She was mostly grateful he was still alive, and his sobriety was the icing on the cake, although it had become her life’s dream. A wave of guilt overwhelmed Jacob. He always knew how badly his addiction and lifestyle affected his mom. It was a burden that caused her grief and he was the sole source of that. So, he could imagine her high right now. He remembered his last high.
But the crash and consequences that followed the high made it so it wasn’t always worth it. He, of all people, clearly understood that. So, what happened then? His mom was thrilled to know she had two boys living at home now and Jacob had no doubt she loved Silas just as deeply and unconditionally as she loved him and Brianna. In his heart, Jacob knew exactly what Silas meant to her. And that was why Jacob represented a threat. Joey clearly saw that as soon as he saw Jacob standing there… alive… and sober.
But his mom didn’t quite comprehend the dilemma.
Joey did.
Jacob did.
Silas was Jacob’s biological son. Was he here to legally claim him?
Even Jacob couldn’t articulate the answer to that. Once, it might have been the proud anthem he chanted to himself through the stress and strain of getting clean. Silas. He had a son to consider. A son he didn’t know. Or deserve. He never expected to become a father. For God’s sake. He couldn’t even manage to feed his own child. That startling, shocking statement reflected the futility of his whole life.
Legally, he still held all the cards. He left town and essentially abandoned Silas, which was for Silas’s benefit, sure, but he never officially signed any documents or custody papers. Teresa, Silas’s mom, was long dead and the only living parent listed on Silas’s birth certificate was Jacob.
How could that knowledge benefit him? That power?
He also wondered if Hailey realized what it meant for her. And Silas. What? Of course, Jacob couldn’t predict the outcome. But neither could he convince them that he had no ulterior motives when it came to Silas. Silas was his only child. His flesh and blood. Maybe the only good thing he ever did in his life was to create Silas with Teresa. But that wasn’t a good enough connection. Not when the boy never knew Jacob’s name or face. He realized that. But what if he could become good enough? That had become his mantra ever since the day he almost died.
But could he stand to go up against his mom? Could he hurt her again? No one could hurt her as badly as he had. Not even his dad’s affair and subsequent divorce could hurt her as much as what Jacob did to her. How could he even contemplate causing her more pain?
Because, damn it, Silas was his son.
To whom did he owe the most? His mom? Or should his son have eclipsed everything else?
Jacob shook off the morose, dark thoughts. Nothing had to be decided tonight, as Brianna so clearly pointed out. He lifted his gaze from Silas and took a bite of his dinner but couldn’t have cared less about what he was eating.
They finished dinner and the conversation became more lighthearted, entering casual territory. He loved hearing about Finn and Brianna’s wedding, and where they lived, which was further up the river from the ranch a few miles. They told stories about Silas that they heard from the school and mentioned the Thanksgiving break coming up. He was so excited to go sledding soon. The normal, everyday conversation made Jacob realize he hadn’t participated in such discussions since high school. He felt rusty and awkward. In the last few years, there had been few or no casual conversations in his circle.
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br /> Maybe acting ordinary was the best place to start.
He lost his appetite. Adrenaline had been pumping through him and an energy high sustained him during the drive over here. Now, however, he succumbed to a crushing exhaustion. He’d gotten a haircut this morning, and put on his best button-down shirt, after ironing it. He tucked it into his jeans. He was trying to look better than the last time they saw him.
His mom noticed him yawning. “Jacob, please tell me right now you’re staying here.”
“I’d like to if I could.”
At least Joey didn’t deny him the accommodations. His mom rose to her feet before everyone else, who began ditching their dishes in the sink, which Brianna and Finn gladly tackled. Joey grabbed Silas, holding him closely before walking past everyone toward the living room. His message was obvious. Crystal clear to Jacob.
Jacob let it stand.
Hailey stared after them. “This is so different for him. We began to doubt you’d ever come back. Honestly, Jacob, in so many ways, we failed to have the conversation about what would happen if you returned. That was because it seemed impossible that you ever would. This is really difficult for Joey, he… he loves Silas like… like—”
“Like a father? I know that.”
Her glance snapped up to him. “Do you? Do you really know?” Her tone was so soft, he almost didn’t hear her. She shook her head and stepped around him before he could dig into it. “Come, follow me. Your old room is unoccupied. Let’s go put some fresh linens on the bed.”
He almost laughed out loud. Fresh linens? For years, he had no linens at all, much less anything fresh. He vividly recalled spending countless nights on friends’ couches, makeshift beds, concrete sidewalks, carpeting, and hardwood floors, and being constantly dirty and gross; never clean. Sleeping bags were old and stinky and he sometimes had one, or a blanket or nothing. Obediently trailing his mom upstairs, Jacob kept reminding himself he was back in the middle class. The values, lifestyles, and ideals he recognized were all good. This is where he intended to rise. How funny that someone was worrying about putting fresh linens on his bed.