by Leanne Davis
Grabbing his bag, he passed through the house without another word to Joey. But he paused when Silas frantically waved up at him. Jacob smiled and waved back. “’Night, Silas.”
“’Night.” He flashed a huge grin that instantly left when his attention returned to his game with Joey. A board game was laid out on the floor. Was Joey trying extra hard to demonstrate his bond with Silas? Jacob tried to squelch the nasty thoughts, but they popped into his mind again regardless of his efforts.
He felt a hunger, and a need, and he wanted to fill it before he reminded himself, he missed all of that. He couldn’t just waltz back into the life he abandoned and the path he rejected, unscathed and fancy-free.
Joey shifted and set his hand on Silas’s shoulder, squeezing it as Silas glanced up at him. He seemed so innocent in his response to his dad’s touch, so trusting. Jacob wished he and Joey felt more natural.
All because of Silas. Jacob’s stomach clenched and churned. This wouldn’t be easy.
After all these years, he stared at the silky blondish brown hair of his son, and Jacob’s heart felt like it began to thump again. The long years of feeling numb, his heart encased in ice, seemed to be over. His heart worked all those years of course, but Jacob never felt it. Not like he did now. The little boy’s giggle and smile captivated Jacob, and he watched it turn neutral again before he returned to playing with Joey.
Jacob shook his head, and thought, not tonight. Nothing had to happen tonight.
But his gut knew otherwise; some point, Jacob feared something big might have to happen. He failed, hurt, and all but destroyed his family with his chronic drug use and criminal lifestyle. But what if that were just a glimpse of what he could do to them?
Chapter Three
HAILEY SMOOTHED THE BEDSPREAD as Jacob entered his former room. He stilled for a moment. The room was changed but his bed was in the same location. His mom’s desk was pushed against the opposite wall for an office, but she left his bed alone. He observed her visible anxiety because he knew all of her mannerisms. She smoothed the comforter with her hand repetitively even though it was already smooth.
“I always hoped you’d come back and sleep on this bed. I couldn’t bear to get rid of it.”
He sucked in a breath as if she just punched him and set his duffel bag down before stepping closer to her. Taking her hands, he pulled her up and hugged her. “Thank you for keeping it all this time for me. For being ready in case I did come home.”
Nodding, she pressed her face against his shirt before her tears got big and wet and loud again. She finally let him go, patting his back. “Stay, Jacob. Please?” It was so soft and gentle. No theatrics or anything long and drawn out about what it had been or what it might become. Just a soft, calm, desperate plea from a mother who had believed her son was dead. Even if he were a grown man. She last saw him when he was a rebellious jerk off and still a youth. Many changes were required from both of them.
“I will. But you realize it’s going to be hard with Joey. And he’s not wrong.”
“No. He’s not. Nothing has been easy between him and me, so why would it start now? But Jacob, the constant worry in my mind that you were either a junkie or dead… Well, that was so much worse, and I promise you we’ll figure out the rest. But first, you have to stay.”
“And by that, you mean I have to stay sober.”
Hailey’s shoulders fell. She stepped away and walked toward the door, pulling it open. Glancing back, she said softly, “I used to think that was a requirement. And I did that once. I gave you an ultimatum and spent the next five years without you. And at least three years thinking you had to be dead. So, no. I’ll never give you another ultimatum. I may tell you my preferences and requests, perhaps, but no ultimatum. But now that I’ve seen you, I’m not sure I can ever accept yesterday’s reality.” She left and shut the door, letting her words sink in. Jacob doubted Joey would agree, but he understood what she meant then. Jacob came first, even over Joey, which was huge. But what about Silas? He doubted her love for him could eclipse her love for Silas. He mentally debated and soon hated himself for even reflecting on it.
His stomach was hurting from his doubts and guilt. Yeah, the guilt hadn’t evaporated yet, and even Joey managed to contribute to it. Jacob sat down and stared at the bed, suddenly seeing the clean, neat Berber rug and flowing drapes. Was he ready for a new beginning? Or the rehashing of his old life? Could he succeed here? Could he stay clean?
He had no other path to take. He couldn’t go back to what he’d been before. Like everyone else, he was sick and tired of being an addict. Failure this time might make him decide that maybe he’d be better off dead.
He shook off the self-pity that he so often fell into. He understood their fear and skepticism, and he was here to prove to himself and his family that he was better, stronger, and clean. He wished he could stop feeling paralyzed every time his future and staying sober came up. The grief he bore over all the mistakes he made never left him.
Now. He had to stay in the now, in this moment. That was all he could do. It was all the control he had. And just for today. He could remain sober today. Now that he was here and had seen his mom and sister, fuck, yeah. He felt amazing. He’d chosen to stay clean and he was ready to come back. Despite all the agony, disappointment, and failure of his past, he looked forward to starting something new. He’d gained some traction and was proud of being able to return after going down such a dark road.
Could he ever abandon his family again? The warm familiarity shocked his senses. He felt like a young kid again, staring up at his sister, always talking, and Mom just trying to keep up, which made him laugh a little. There was a lot to digest and much of it was unfamiliar, but he could not deny the sense of comfort he felt with his family.
Fuck. He ran his hands through his hair. Still no idea what he planned to do. At least he was here. And sober. And clean. And very much present.
****
The next morning, he ate a quiet breakfast with his mom until Silas appeared ready for school, grinning. He seemed way too happy for the early hour. After his mom left to drive Silas to school, Jacob put on his boots and a coat before he tried to combat the outside low temperatures, now in the teens. He was eager to explore the ranch where so many happy days in his youth were spent.
Snow covered the land, a white permafrost that usually lasted at least three months. Fresh snow was nice since it added a powdery, soft layer, but the occasional melts were enough to make it icy and harsh. His breath looked like smoke as he breathed in and out. The sky was a sharply contrasting blue above the frozen landscape. The pines were frosted in a clean layer of white. Cottonwoods looked bare and black against the snow and the green pines seemed to be outlined with a dark stencil pen. Lifting his gaze upwards, he took in the huge mountains surrounding the valley. Stunning and pristine, they reminded him of everything he missed while slumming the dirty city streets and shacking up in friends’ apartments, houses, and RVs. It was a vicious cycle. He couldn’t even remember a fraction of the places where he crashed. But he remembered the ranch distinctly. The white snow made the whole world shine. Bright and new, it hid the dull brown of the mountains. Jacob wished all the mistakes he made could have been covered up as easily and prettily as a new blanket of snow.
He stepped off his mom’s porch and crossed the street, or rather, one-lane gravel road. It led to the horse pastures and higher up, to the large, enclosed horse arena and the Rydell River Resort. Countless guests stayed in this seasonal winter wonderland. He often saw a horse or two hooked up to sleighs as they carried the resort guests under layers of blankets. Idyllic and timeless was how Jacob described the ranch. He gazed at the dozens of horses dotting the pastures as far off into the distance as he could see. He was approaching the row of houses where the Rydells lived, which hugged the quiet street.
As he walked, images of his childhood flashed before his eyes. Twelve. He was barely twelve years old the first time he came here. Twelve, unhap
py and mute about his parents’ separation and subsequent divorce before his dad married Trinity. He winced at the thought. But not because he was thinking of Trinity. Back then, her only identity was “the woman his dad cheated on his mom with.” He didn’t hate her and wasn’t rude to her like Brianna was at first, because the values he lived by included always being polite to adults.
But that eventually changed, along with his feelings about Trinity.
No. He decided not to remember those thoughts, not now. That couldn’t accomplish anything positive.
Twelve-year-old Jacob was shy and nerdy. He arrived at the ranch for a vacation, never guessing he’d end up staying there. His mom was hooking up with Joey that summer and they had to date long distance for several years. All those years, Jacob made the trip from Everett to the ranch for the summer months, along with many holidays and long weekends. But definitely every summer. The ranch was so foreign to him at first, but it had pretty much become normal. He even felt more at home there than at his dad’s house in Everett.
He missed that feeling. Intensely. He used to belong. He liked being part of something so wonderful. But of course, he pissed on that as well, just like he pissed on everything else for his entire life. He kicked at a twig he spotted peeking out of the snow. It crunched in the bitter cold. He stopped dead when someone noticed him.
The ranch had many workers, and lots of them were family members. Generally known as a rural area with a small population, things weren’t always quiet on the ranch. He was accustomed to seeing workers walking and training the horses, or just taking care of them in general. At this time of year, it happened less often, of course. He also commonly saw resort guests. They weren’t allowed to wander near the family homes, but sometimes, they did anyway. They had so much damn family.
It was no surprise that he’d run into someone he knew, but this someone?
His heart thumped loudly in his chest.
“Jacob? Is that really you?”
Jacob responded by bowing his head and his eyes filled with tears again. Fuck. More nostalgia, and being sober, he felt it more acutely, instead of numbly floating along.
He raised his head up. “Yeah, Charlie. It’s really me. But I wouldn’t have recognized you if I didn’t know this was your place.”
Charlie Rydell was Joey’s nephew, and the youngest son of Jack Rydell, the ranch’s owner. At one time, he was also Jacob’s best friend. They hadn’t been very friendly in years, however. Charlie married his longtime girlfriend, Jacob’s childhood pal, many years ago. Another event Jacob missed.
“Are you sober?”
Jacob smiled, nodding. His friend was so direct, and Jacob always appreciated his take-no-shit attitude. No drama with Charlie. No running toward him for a hug or swearing at him in anger. Charlie’s response was chill but not chilly. Charlie acted like he didn’t know Jacob. He stuffed his hands deeper into the long, dark coat he wore. Charlie didn’t look like any other man there. That included the cowboys they employed, as well as his dad and uncles. Charlie could have been a walking advertisement from a Fortune 500 company. Hell, he could have been the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, for all Jacob knew.
“Yeah.”
“When did you get back?”
“Last night.”
Charlie stared at him longer, expressionless. Jacob turned his gaze away, his inner calm wearing thin fast. Be brave. “Hey, I’m sorry, Charlie, for all my fuck-ups. For all the—”
“The times when you acted like you were better for Cami than me?”
Jacob sucked in a startled lungful of cold air. “Yeah. But I never convinced her.”
“No. You didn’t.” They stared at each other in the icy cold air that seemed to grow more bitter with their smoky breaths.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know how to fix it. But I am sorry.”
“Me too. You lost it all. We ended up gaining everything.”
“Well, that pretty much sums it up. I’m actually surprised to see you back here.”
“Ditto that. Except we visit pretty often, which is more than you do.”
“Where do you live now?”
“London.”
“Fuck.” Jacob blinked back his astonishment. Charlie wasn’t smiling. His clean-shaven face was older and wiser. Jacob studied his stoic demeanor and imagined he must have been in charge of an imperial boardroom of a large corporation.
“You broke Cami’s heart and Brianna’s. And your mom’s, too. Really, what are you doing here? Did you come back just to take your son away? Joey and Hailey are the only parents he’s ever known.”
Jacob shook his head. “Don’t worry about sparing my feelings, Charlie. How about sending me away for five years?”
“If you can’t handle a few reasonable questions, you won’t stay sober anyway, so everyone might as well know that now. I can remember how direct and honest you used to be. Blunt sometimes to the point of being heartless. But at least you were real and honest.”
“Yeah, I’ve learned to spin my own reality; I guess I couldn’t face everyone else’s. This, for instance. I’m back here to make amends, Charlie. Create something positive from what I’ve done in the past. I want to be better without hurting anyone.”
Charlie’s blue eyes glinted in the sun and he stepped closer. “Stick to that then. I doubt anyone around here, besides your mom, would believe you otherwise.”
Jacob stepped back at Charlie’s sudden approach right in his face. Then Charlie’s face lightened in the barest of smiles. “Other than that, it’s so nice to see you’re still alive, Jacob. Welcome home.”
He stared at his former best friend, feeling startled, unsure, and confused. Glancing down, he found Charlie’s gloved hand outstretched, waiting for him to shake.
He put his own hand out and they shook before Jacob pulled Charlie in closer and gave him a half hug. “I really am fucking sorry. For anything you thought I may have done to Cami. She was never the girl I was after. I just liked her because she accepted me so easily.”
“And what about your disappearing act? Leaving us all to believe you were dead?”
“Did you even care?”
“I wasn’t rolling in friends. You were pretty much it until I went to college. And then—”
“I hurt you. I get it. This is you trying not to let it show.” Jacob realized Charlie’s coolness was just his way of protecting himself.
“You were our friend.”
“I hope I can be again. How long are you here?”
“Through Thanksgiving. You?”
“Indefinitely. Maybe we could hang out.”
“Maybe.” Charlie stepped away. “I’m sure Cami will stop by soon with a much more welcoming greeting. See you around, Jacob.”
He watched Charlie cross the street and enter his dad’s house.
Jacob ignored the unsettling encounter. He continued his tour of the ranch. Several more surprising encounters ensued: Jacob saw AJ Reed, the ranch foreman, with Kailynn Hayes, who was married to one of the Rydell brothers. She was carrying a small boy. Did she and Ian have a kid? Jacob didn’t pry. He also spotted her brother, Caleb. After a few double takes, and the usual pleasantries were exchanged, Jacob walked on. No one had reacted like Charlie or Joey.
He stopped by the new rescue barns where Finn worked. The inside was much warmer than most stables. He waited until Finn noticed him. “Hey, Jacob.”
“Hey.”
“How’s it going?”
“Reacquainting myself. Getting some choice reactions too. I deserve it, naturally. But it’s still—”
“Hard. You feel like an outsider. I know the feeling,” he said with a smile.
Jacob hung his head and glanced back up. He was well-trained by Brianna that he always had to make sure Finn could look right at his face and lips. “Yeah, but you didn’t do anything wrong. I did everything wrong. I know it’s my own fault, so it’s justified.”
“Yeah, I guess the only thing you can do is apologize and try to change. Comi
ng home sober is a testament that you really are. Honestly? I’ve never seen you look so healthy. From the first time I met you, I thought you used. You were skinny and had unhealthy, broken-out skin. Your eyes were never clear either. So, I, for one, believe you’re clean now. Start small and give it plenty of time. Not everyone is like Brianna.” Jacob responded with a warm smile in visible appreciation of his sister’s huge heart and generosity.
“You should hate me, Finn. I was high the first day you met me. And I acted like a dick to my sister. But I’m glad she has you.”
“You were all mixed up then, I knew that. But you were pretty decent to me. That hinted at who you might be if you ever got sober. But be forewarned, I won’t continue to be nice if you use or abuse any of your family members again.”
“Yeah, I deserve that. I appreciate you giving me another chance, Finn.”
“Your family…” he shook his head. “I never saw anything like them. They took me in with open arms. They virtually adopted your son. So, whatever you decide to do, I hope you understand everything they have done. Don’t act until you know for sure, whatever you decide to do.”
Jacob gave Finn an odd look. “Are you referring to Silas, my addiction, or Joey?”
“All of them. Just be aware, Jacob. Your whole family is very special to me. So, you can’t come back here just to detonate everyone else’s life again. I believe they want to give you another chance and that you deserve it. But just proceed with caution. Don’t fuck anyone over. You did that once, so you should realize that no one will tolerate it again.”
“Charlie pretty much told me the same thing. “
“Yeah, I expect Charlie would have.”
“Thanks, Finn. I intend to make this work. That’s why I waited so long to return. I am sorry that I made them all suffer even longer by not knowing.”
“Well, oddly enough, I believe you did the right thing.”
“Jacob?” Jacob turned when a man’s voice came up behind him and smiled.
“Hi, Jack.”