River's Winter

by Leanne Davis

“Yeah, I just heard you were back.”

  Jacob suppressed a grim smirk. “From Joey? Probably not the best source.”

  “Well, that’s because he worries about Silas. But it is so nice to see you.” Jack embraced him in a warm, uncle-like hug. “You look really well, and that’s refreshing.”

  “Thanks. Look at this place. It’s changed so much in just five years.”

  Jack beamed as he glanced around his passion-project, the horse rescue. He and Finn partnered up to start and sustain it. “Your sister is responsible for all of this, believe it or not. The flood of attention, time, and donations she manages to bring in for us is, well, it’s priceless. And it grows every year.”

  “That’s my sister.” Brianna spent her entire life trying to make things better. She was kind of the opposite of Jacob. They started walking together and Jack started explaining their new therapy items, along with the wide range of horses in their care, as well as the rest of the facilities. As they meandered, Jacob was glad for the vote of confidence from Jack. He didn’t treat Jacob as if he’d missed five years and deserved to be punished for that. He also didn’t seem afraid that Jacob might run off to shoot up again at any moment if someone said the wrong thing to him. He spoke to him man-to-man. Direct and honest.

  “Are you staying long?”

  “Yeah, I’d like to find a job here. I even considered asking you.”

  “Are you now?” Jack’s eyebrows rose upwards, challenging him.

  “No. Joey pretty much said that I wouldn’t be a good fit. So, I’ll look elsewhere.”

  “Tough time of year and our wages aren’t like what you can make on the coast. But I know of a position that I’d recommend you for. It’s nothing too great, but it’s a good start.”

  “Really? I’d be grateful. Plus, it could help my mom relax a little. This is hard on her. Abandoning her and showing up after five years is a lot. So, if I could establish a real-life connection, yeah. Thank you, Jack.” Jacob glanced away, then back at Jack before giving him unswerving eye contact. “I have to admit up front that I have a prison record.”

  “I suspected that. My recommendation is the same as my word, so make good on it, Jacob.”

  “I will, Jack.” Jack texted him all the details before they shook hands.

  “Wells Dam has an opening on their maintenance repair crew. They’re a contractor for the government, so if you do well in this position, you could become a full-time employee. For now, however, it’s primarily maintenance and repair. So yeah, not too glamorous.”

  “It’s a job all the same. I’m not picky.”

  Jack turned to leave. “Good… But, Jacob?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I know how eager you are to reestablish yourself, but you should also be picky. You can hate the job and be grateful for it. Just keep a decent attitude and try your best to do it well. But don’t settle for it either. Consider it a way to allow you to earn more and have a better life.”

  Jack walked off and Jacob stared after him, savoring his golden advice. It was just as hard to come back and face everyone as he expected it to be. Bearing his shame and regret for all to scrutinize, while they predicted his failure, yeah, it was a bit much.

  He turned back to his mom’s house, now chilled to the bones. The air had become bitterly cold and he feared his breath would turn solid before shattering to pieces at his feet. It represented him and his potential. Jack was right. Just managing to survive wasn’t enough anymore. But hell, it was a miraculous start, especially after how he’d been living. Even that wasn’t enough to make his life more valuable. Maybe Jack was right, and he should start changing his mind set.

  Ambition. Goals. Routine. Dreams. Everything was so foreign to him even though he once had all of those things, but that was a long time ago.

  The news of his return to River’s End spread like wildfire and he wasn’t halfway back from the rescue barns when a short figure with a huge, fur-lined hood bounded toward him from the side. She was running over the snow and as quickly as he first noticed her, she was in his arms, crying against his chest. Just like Brianna did.

  Cami.

  She sobbed, and he let her. Eventually, she leaned back, and her gaze penetrated him. “Why the fuck did you leave me too? I was there, Jacob. I was always there for you. How could you abandon me too? I haven’t seen you since we said goodbye the first time I left for Germany. That was eons ago. How could you be so cold?”

  “I wasn’t right in my head, heart, or soul. You remember me at the end. I was a bastard to you and anyone else who made the mistake of trying to speak to me. I resisted all attempts to change my path. And besides, you had Charlie, and you needed him to forget me.”

  Tears leaked from her eyes. “But I was your friend. We… you were…”

  He hugged her briefly. Closing his eyes. “Yes, we were that,” he relented. They had always found a deeper connection than most. Yet it never once progressed beyond a platonic relationship. But it could have. Perhaps if Charlie wasn’t in the picture. But on some level, they both knew, and their deep empathy arose from a need to misbehave, rebel, drink, and do drugs. Jacob knew early on, in his gut, that he’d drag her down with him. But he cared so much about her that he never pursued her. That was huge for him considering how selfish he could be to others back then. “It was best for you, Cami.”

  “But not you, and you had no one.”

  He sighed. Yep, she always read him like a book, even his bullshit. “Are you happy, Cami? With Charlie and living in London?”

  “I am amazingly happy. I feel healthy and strong and I love working at a charity in freaking England. I’ve lived in two other countries too and I’ve also learned another language. But none of what I managed to accomplish could have kept me from remaining friends with you.”

  “But it did, actually. There was a time I considered what might happen with Charlie gone.”

  “But you didn’t. Why don’t you ever give yourself any credit? Thoughts aren’t actions. And any regretful actions can be forgiven by creating new ones, thinking better thoughts leads to better actions. Like you showing up here two-years sober.”

  “You forgive me?”

  “I do. I always did.”

  “But most people aren’t like you. Charlie isn’t.”

  “Give him more time. You hurt him. He also knew that we were bad whenever we got together, but he respects how we understood each other, and in ways no one else could.”

  He squeezed her one last time and let her go. “Good thing. No one needs to wallow in the fuck-up that would have been us, right?”

  She let him go and nodded. “Right. But what about now? You will stay?”

  “I’m staying.”

  “Then Charlie will have to forgive you. You just have to prove yourself.”

  She squeezed his hand through both of their gloves. “We’ll all go to dinner and invite Brianna and Finn. What about tomorrow night?”

  “All right. Tomorrow night.” Her eyelids shut, and she held them like that for a moment.

  “I can’t believe this is reality. I can’t believe any of this. But I’m truly over the moon.” Spinning on her foot, she left as quickly as she found him. Jacob smiled as he looked at her. Cami Reed, now Rydell, was once his best friend in the world, and he never realized how much he missed her, not until seeing her now. The former haze of using and abusing stopped him from fucking realizing what riches he once possessed.

  He marched on toward his mom’s house.

  Stopping short, he lifted his gaze off his feet. He spotted his dad’s truck. Shit. More humble admissions. Always more to deal with. Would it ever end? But seeing Trinity was peculiar. He felt cold. The betrayal was still too fresh. Perhaps it was best not to dwell on it, especially since he was trying to alter his former persona.

  He betrayed his own father. Stabbed him in the back. And he never told him about his mortifying transgression. He chose to crazily blame his father, not himself.

  He sighed. E
ntering the living room, he saw a surreal scene. His father was crouched down on the floor, playing with Silas. Joey was on the other side and they amicably talked and smiled. Wow. Things really had freaking changed. Once more, he missed it all. He caused it all, really. Silas had become the great equalizer for Joey and his dad.

  Brent sprung to his feet and turned around. His eyes were filled with tears. Jacob suffered another punch to his gut. Yeah, all the memories of his love for family and the attachment to his parents from a young age washed over him. “I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t…” Brent shook his head. “I didn’t know if I could believe it when Brianna told me you were here and clean and sober.”

  Jacob blinked back the stinging of his own tears again. “I am. Both.”

  Brent strode forward and grabbed him tightly. No awkward man hug but a full embrace and his dad cried while hugging him. Jacob didn’t move at first. He’d never seen his dad cry before. He also doubted his dad ever held him like this. But his dad insisted on hugging him harder. Jacob finally wrapped his arms around Brent and patted his back. Meanwhile, Joey discreetly picked up Silas before he left the room. Maybe Jacob hadn’t understood how much pain he caused. Brent released him and stared at him with his tears streaming, just as Hailey did. “I thought you were dead. I thought Silas was the last living remnant of you… and that wasn’t enough for me. I can’t… I just can’t believe you’re alive.”

  “You’re not mad?” The question just popped out, surprising even Jacob. He tried to be calm and cool but suddenly he was ten years old, seeking his dad’s approval. He stared at Brent and his dad stared back at him. The hope, joy, sadness, and grief he saw in his dad’s gaze cut Jacob to the core. That was why he ran so fast and hard from home. His dad always loved him. He never stopped. How could he face his dad after what he’d done? Even if it was a young, stupid mistake. He wished he could ignore it entirely, but the more he tried to forget it, the more it took from him. It ruined his relationship with his dad because his guilt poisoned him. Then it became an excuse and it was easy for him to let go of that guilt and self-recrimination. He tried to pretend he wasn’t the cause of his failure. No, that blame landed squarely on his dad… and Trinity.

  If he told his dad what happened, he feared it could destroy his dad’s life and for what? Why should he trash Brent’s marriage as well as his relationship to Jacob? It could only wind up hurting his dad, even if it did relieve Jacob’s conscience.

  So, the ugly secret would have to remain a toxic seed planted inside him… and Trinity, of course.

  God, he missed his dad. He was without him far longer than his drug use. He lost his dad a decade ago when he pushed him away. His resentful youth and stupidity made him a know-it-all asshole. He shuddered at the memory of so many mistakes. His rebellion was a joke.

  “I’m not mad. I’m bowled over to see you’re alive… and sober.”

  “It’s been a long time.”

  “Yes, a long time coming. I’m so happy to see you, Jacob.”

  He closed his eyes for a moment. “Thank you, Dad. I’m so sorry for all the things I did to you and blamed on you. It was all my fault.”

  “You were just an angry kid acting out. I knew that. Those damn drugs were the culprit. If they hadn’t gotten to you, you would have come around. I always believed that. It wasn’t my call because I’d become just a placeholder in your life.”

  “Can I believe that too?”

  “Yeah, son. You can. Forgive yourself. Stay with us. We need you. Just as much as you need us.”

  “Dad… those fucking drugs… you can’t blame it all on them.”

  “I can, and I do. I want to be right here and now with you, my son, so none of that shit has any relevance to me. Okay? It doesn’t matter. What matters is you are here now. Sober. I’m going to stay for a little while. There is so much to talk about. I’m eager to know you now… as a grown man.”

  Jacob snorted. “My age says I am. But my lack of skills and other things say differently.”

  His dad put his hand on his shoulder. “But you can change that. By being sober. And being here. With your mom. With us. We’ll help you, Jacob.”

  “Joey doesn’t want me to stay here.”

  “Joey doesn’t want to lose a son. I know how he feels. I understand his anxiety. He’s scared. Maybe he should be. I don’t know, but you’re my son and I do need to see you.”

  Getting reacquainted with Brent, Jacob quickly realized how deeply he hurt everyone. In small ways and big ways. Receiving forgiveness or even acceptance from each person varied. And Jacob studied every reaction, processing it without wallowing in it. He used it to move forward and not fall backwards. Keeping his promise of sobriety had to come first. Even if it hurt others.

  Chapter Four

  HIS DAD STAYED FOR several days and Jacob spent most of the time talking, hanging, and laughing. Jacob loved the time he spent with Silas and his sister. There were moments when just the family was together: his mom, dad, sister, and Jacob. Naturally, it crossed his mind that this was what it would have been like if his parents never split up. But as soon as Joey entered the picture, reality set in, and Jacob was reminded that he hadn’t cared too much about his family when he was a teenager, so why now? Brianna always remained loyal to the family and grieved over the divorce. Maybe Jacob should have felt like that.

  He didn’t have a clue about the groundbreaking benchmarks in his family during the last five years, but he knew them a good twenty years before that. So, it made for an odd dynamic of knowing their history intimately, but nothing current. He recalled when Brianna was ten and she spilled milk all over his brand new laptop before hiding it in the closet so he wouldn’t find out. He smiled as he recalled a lot of his childhood memories; they drew him back into his past in a good way. These memories reminded him of who he once used to be, long before he let street drugs steal his identity.

  He also spent time with Cami, Charlie, Brianna, and Finn. It was like old times in some ways, but also not quite. The significant events they shared and their familiarity with each other came back and everyone was happy to laugh as well as commiserate over familiar anecdotes from the last five years. He recognized the mannerisms, quirks, and other things he knew about Cami and Charlie, although he was surprised by some new traits he observed in them. Thanksgiving was celebrated by all at Jack and Erin Rydell’s house.

  Jacob made the call on the job Jack suggested. He was instantly hired on Jack’s word. Jack had previously contacted the management of the dam and told them to expect his application. Jacob realized he owed a solid to his uncle-by-marriage. So many people who didn’t have to help him, or forgive him, or trust him, or even give him a second chance seemed willing to. But he also knew his success required that he do all the things he promised and prove himself trustworthy.

  The first day of work, Jacob could only stare at the concrete structure that crossed the Columbia River. The barren hills sloped upwards on the far side and, closer to him, he saw orchards and sagebrush. It was, in short, a desolate worksite. Spillways pumped millions of gallons of water into churning, foaming pools below. He pretty much landed himself a janitorial job in the setting of a dam. For eight hours a day, he had to work, something he’d never done before in his life. It was monotonous, sure, but that actually soothed his ragged nerves. He did not want to stumble over any pitfalls caused by his returning home. He had to deal with real life now. There were plenty of moments when he felt tired or grumpy. A vague sense of suspicion wafted occasionally from his mom and sister although Joey viewed him as an outright leech.

  He knew he was an unwanted guest in Joey’s home. His mom needed him, however, and she never failed to let him know what a welcome guest he was to her—almost suffocating him at times with her concern. He toed the line and strove to spend more time with his mom while staying out of Joey’s way.

  Silas. Jacob watched, listened, talked, and laughed with him so easily. Silas accepted Jacob’s presence and always grinned w
ith joyful hellos and goodbyes. The little stories he told about school, his friends, and his favorite things about the ranch amused Jacob for hours. Silas loved to play in the snow, which was something Jacob could easily do. Every day, he bundled both of them up before going into the front yard and playing all kinds of games in the snow. They made snowmen, had snowball fights, and trudged through the deep drifts, which often left Silas giggling when he couldn’t see his legs. Falling over, like a piece of timber, he couldn’t stop cracking up. Jacob loved lifting him up into his arms and even onto his shoulders. Clinging onto Jacob’s head, Silas oohed and ahhed about everything he could see from up high.

  “The ice.” he would most often exclaim. Silas had an endless fascination with the chunks of ice that he could see floating down the river. The ice shelf grew wider along the shoreline. They could stand and walk over the smooth edges, but in the spring, it would become a foot or two of running water.

  “You love the ice,” Jacob observed out loud.

  Silas clapped his little hands and patted Jacob’s head. “They look like big, white boats sailing by.”

  Jacob’s heart warmed instantly whenever he heard the happy, carefree giggles and guileless innocence from Silas. Jacob started his workday early, at five a.m., so he was home by two-thirty p.m. That was a good two hours before Joey got home. Jacob spent all of his spare time with Silas. His mom worked at the reception desk and had an office at the resort. Joey managed the entire enterprise, so he often worked late. Jacob was grateful for that because it allowed him to sneak in some quality time with Silas. Usually, Hailey came home when Silas got out of school but that was when Jacob took over. Joey didn’t like it particularly, but he couldn’t deny them that time either. As soon as Joey walked in from work, Jacob backed off. He let Silas and Joey be together. Jacob chose not to intrude on their bond, and Joey seemed more tolerant despite his distrust of Jacob.

  “Jacob?” Silas asked one afternoon.

  “Yeah, buddy?”

  “Are you going to stay here? And live with us? Forever?”