Brenda Novak

by Home to Whiskey Creek

  But things were different with Addy, which made every minute of being with her that much better. It made the sex better, too. Actually, it made the sex unbelievable.

  He was high on infatuation and hormones. He wanted to kiss her and keep kissing her, whether he was capable of making love again yet or not. But he didn’t find that realization upsetting. He was glad to know his heart wasn’t defective, as he’d feared. He didn’t care if she kept reminding him, in subtle ways, that she’d be leaving town. He’d deal with that when the time came. Right now, it seemed like such a far-off possibility. She’d only been home two weeks; it certainly wasn’t time to start packing her bags. And he’d found a way to reach her ex-husband. He’d get to the bottom of that mine incident eventually, figure out if Clyde Kingsdale was driving over and harassing her. And when he caught whoever had hurt her, he’d make sure the bastard never touched her again.

  “There’s a Redbox at the Gas-N-Go,” he said. “Let’s get a movie and take it to my place.”

  She was straightening her dress. “Okay, but...let’s walk.”

  “It’s not too cold for you?”

  “It’s better than going back home while my mother might still be up,” she said with a rueful laugh.

  He ran around to his house for a coat, slipped it over her shoulders and took her hand, but she pulled away once they were out on the street. He halfway expected her to give his coat back.

  “Why are you so afraid of people finding out that we’re seeing each other?” he asked.

  “You mean that we’re sleeping together?”

  He stopped walking. “Aren’t we doing both?”

  She didn’t comment one way or the other. She just tugged on his arm to get him moving again. “I told you. It’s none of their business.”

  Was it really that—or something else? Something that had to do with that note he’d found on her 4-Runner? “They’ll adjust once they get used to the idea.”

  “I...prefer to stay out of the limelight.”

  “Was your ex a jealous person?”

  “I don’t really know,” she said, as if the answer surprised her as much as him.

  He looked over at her. “What do you mean you don’t know?”

  “I think he was more intent on getting me to feel some jealousy.”

  “Why would he want that?”

  “To prove I cared about him, I guess.”

  “That’s why he cheated on you?”

  “In his mind, it started there. At least, that was how he tried to explain it. He said if I could just love him more, he’d be satisfied. But...who knows? I don’t think I ever really knew him.”

  “Then why did you marry him?”

  “I thought I loved him, and he was so convinced we’d be happy together. I hoped that would be enough to build on. But...I doubt he really knew me, either.”

  Noah was just admitting to himself that she was hard to know when she changed the subject.

  “Have you ever been in love?”

  He’d asked himself that many times before and, sadly, always came to the same conclusion. “There’ve been certain women I’ve liked more than others, but...head over heels? No.”

  She offered him an encouraging smile. “You’ll find the right person eventually.”

  How did she know she wasn’t the right person? Didn’t she want to be?

  Sometimes she acted like it. Back at the store, she’d acted as if he was the only man on earth. But she’d already retreated. “Why do you keep pushing me away?” he asked.

  “I don’t want you to get hurt,” she replied.

  Noah had expected her to point to his less-than-stellar track record with women, to the gossip floating around town about his “commitment issues,” to say she didn’t trust him after the way he’d ignored her in high school. He hadn’t expected this. He’d heard similar things before. But Addy wasn’t playing hard to get, wasn’t using that statement to gain the upper hand. She was sincere in her concern, which gave him the odd feeling he’d had from the beginning—that he might’ve met the one woman who could break his heart.

  “You don’t think you could ever love me?” he asked.

  She seemed to struggle for the right answer, but before she could speak, a car swerved and nearly struck them both. Noah shoved Adelaide behind him, assuming it was some kind of attack like when she’d been abducted. But then he recognized the car. It was Eve’s.

  “Noah!” The way Eve staggered when she got out made him wonder if she was drunk, but the alarm in her voice told him it was emotion and not alcohol that had her acting so unsteady.

  “What is it?” he asked.

  “I—I’ve been looking all over for you. Baxter, he—” She broke down, couldn’t even speak she was sobbing so hard.

  The cold hand of terror ran down Noah’s spine. “What is it?” he asked again.

  “He’s in the hospital.”

  Noah stepped forward impatiently. “What’s wrong? What happened to him?”

  She glanced at Addy, but Noah got the impression she didn’t really see her. “He overdosed.”

  The strength left his legs. He was glad Eve rushed into his arms, because that gave him something to hang on to.

  “On what?” he choked out. “Baxter doesn’t do drugs....”

  “Sleeping pills. I don’t have all the details, but the doctors think he took over two thousand milligrams of Ambien, and he’d been drinking, which of course makes it even worse. The doctors are doing what they can. Meanwhile, we’ve been trying to find you.”

  “Why didn’t you call me?”

  “We tried! Again and again!”

  He patted his pockets before remembering that he’d left his cell phone in his truck when he went in for dinner. At that point, nothing had mattered more than spending an enjoyable evening with Adelaide.

  “He’s not going to die....” He didn’t want to ask for fear of the answer. His voice didn’t even sound like his own. Suddenly, that kiss at the cabin, Baxter’s sexual orientation, the changes his being gay would require of their relationship—it all seemed so small, so manageable, in comparison to a final goodbye. Surely Baxter wouldn’t have taken his own life over what happened last weekend. And surely Noah’s reaction hadn’t added to his despair....

  To his relief, Eve shook her head, but he could feel the wetness of her tears through his shirt. “I don’t think so. We...we’re lucky his neighbor went over to his house. He needed a—a bottle opener. Can you believe it?” She laughed but then her chest jerked against his as she tried to stifle a sob. “If his neighbor hadn’t needed that damn bottle opener...it would’ve been too late. As it was, he barely had a heartbeat when the paramedics got to him. They’re doing what they can to revive him, but it’s not yet clear whether or not he’ll pull through.”

  Noah’s throat tightened. “Where’d they take him?”

  “Mark Twain St. Joseph’s Hospital in San Andreas.”

  “Let’s go.” Determined to get to the hospital as fast as possible, he hooked his arm around Addy’s neck and started for the car. “We’ll drop Adelaide off on our way.”

  Addy pulled out of his grasp. “No, I’m fine. I’ll walk. You two get on the road.”

  “It’ll only take a second,” he insisted. “I don’t want you walking home in the dark.”

  She seemed to realize it would take longer to argue. “Fine. But what about your truck?” she asked as they climbed into Eve’s Acura. “If you give me the keys, I’ll drive it over to your place so it’ll be there when you get home.”

  “There’s no need. I’ll pick it up when I come back.” He thought briefly of the note he’d found on her windshield. Leaving his truck at her place would definitely be making a statement.

  But he wasn’t about to let anyone tell him he couldn’t see her.

  24

  Noah sat in the waiting room with Eve, Ted, Kyle and Riley. Cheyenne hadn’t answered her phone when they tried to reach her. No one had called Sophia. They’d been
deliberating whether they should, but Noah was against it, and so was Ted. Ted didn’t even like her appearing at coffee, so that came as no surprise. Noah was too protective. He didn’t want news of this to spread any farther than it had to. That meant Callie was the only person who should know what was going on but didn’t. Other than Noah, she was Baxter’s closest friend. But she had a week left in Hawaii, and there was no point in ruining her honeymoon, not until they learned more. So far, they knew next to nothing. The hospital staff wouldn’t allow Noah to see Baxter. They wouldn’t even let Baxter’s parents in the room. All his closest loved ones were stuck together, worrying and waiting.

  As Noah watched Mr. North comfort Mrs. North off in one corner, he wondered how well they really knew their son. Did either of them have any clue about what might’ve caused him to attempt suicide?

  Noah wanted to tell them, to get the truth out in the open so they could all reassure Baxter. But he wasn’t convinced Baxter’s parents would be able to accept him for what he was. Samuel North loved his son—Noah had no doubt about that—but he had a specific vision as to the kind of person Baxter should be, and being homosexual didn’t fit that vision. He’d be ashamed and embarrassed, not the emotions a child hoped to evoke in a parent. Noah had been hunting and fishing with Baxter and his father, had heard some of the denigrating statements Mr. North had uttered. Noah hadn’t thought too much about his remarks at the time, since they didn’t affect him personally. But in light of the past week, those memories cut like glass. He was hearing them from Baxter’s point of view now. They’d once been on a campout when they’d run into a couple of guys Baxter’s father had deemed to be “fags.” Mr. North had said that “such scum” deserved to have their penises cut off and shoved down their throats.

  Guilt for worrying about how Baxter’s sexual orientation would affect him weighed so heavily that Noah felt he might sink into the floor. How could he have put even more pressure on Baxter to be something or someone he wasn’t? Now it was easy to see how hard Baxter had tried to meet everyone’s expectations.

  The silence of that room was broken only by their occasional whispering—How much longer...? If they can’t save him I don’t know what I’ll do.... Surely, in this day and age they’ll be able to revive him....

  “Shit,” Noah muttered.

  Riley glanced over at him. “You okay?”

  “No.” Unable to sit any longer, he got up and headed down the hall to the drinking fountain. Although some of the people in the waiting room, like Ted and probably Eve, knew Baxter was gay, no one, other than Callie and him had had it confirmed. Noah wished Callie was here, so he wouldn’t be the only one who understood just how conflicted Baxter was. The odd thing was that Bax had never acted depressed, never talked about ending his life, never complained at all. This had come out of nowhere, which upset Noah as much as everything else. He wished he’d had some warning, so he would’ve known he needed to do something to stave it off.

  If they saved Bax, what would he do next? Would he continue to hide behind the image he’d created so none of the people he loved would think any less of him? That kept the situation status quo—tempting in such a small town. But was it possible to go on like that? How long would Baxter, or anyone else, be able to last if he was unfulfilled in the most important areas of his life?

  Noah thought of Adelaide and how much he’d enjoyed being with her since she’d returned to town. She’d been on his mind constantly this past week. And he’d derived so much satisfaction from making love to her. Would it be fair to expect Baxter to live without those same feelings of romantic excitement and contentment?

  Noah had no answers. Part of him wanted to tell Baxter to come out, but the reality of what that might do, how it might make matters worse, stopped him. He couldn’t set Bax up for a life without the love and support of his family. That was too big a sacrifice to encourage someone to make.

  “Noah.” Samuel North’s voice interrupted his thoughts.

  Nerves tingling, Noah turned away from the fountain and faced Baxter’s father. “Yes, sir?”

  “I just...I wanted to see if...if you’d noticed anything unusual about Baxter lately.” He rubbed his hands together, as if he wished he was putting them to some useful task but couldn’t think of one. “I can’t wrap my mind around this, can’t believe it’s true. He came over for dinner earlier. Other than a brief argument over whether he should sell his house and move to San Francisco, which we told him we’d hate to see, everything went like it always does. He never said a word about being upset. His sister called from Portland. They talked on the phone for a few minutes. There’s...no answer for this. I mean...he’s a handsome, successful, good man. What would lead him to—to try and take his own life?”

  Acid churned in Noah’s stomach. What could he say?

  “Was it a breakup with a woman we didn’t know about?” his father pressed, casting about for answers. “Was it a setback at work?” He lowered his voice. “He hasn’t lost his job, has he?”

  “He would’ve told you if he’d lost his job,” Noah said.

  “Maybe not. That job means a lot to him.”

  Noah suspected it meant even more to them, because it confirmed Baxter’s success and reflected well on how they’d raised him—to excel, to achieve, to be somebody. “I wish I could say something that would...bring you comfort,” he hedged. “I’m not sure exactly what was going on in his mind. But I know your son is everything you say he is—a wonderful human being.”

  It hadn’t surprised anyone in the group that Callie had confided in Baxter when she contracted nonalcoholic fatty liver disease. He’d be the most likely to handle such catastrophic news with the right amount of empathy and support.

  “He’ll be okay,” his father said. “Don’t you think?”

  The uncertainty in Samuel’s eyes terrified Noah. He wasn’t convinced Baxter would recover because the problem that had caused this still loomed large. Did Bax even want to wake up?

  “Of course he will,” he said.

  Noah’s phone rang.

  Hearing that, Samuel sighed. “I’ll see you back in the waiting room.”

  Noah answered with a nod.

  “Is everything okay?”

  It was Addy. Just the sound of her voice was like a buoy. “We’re still waiting to find out.”

  “You haven’t heard anything?”

  “Not yet.”

  “I’m sorry, Noah. I can’t believe this happened.”

  “I can’t, either.”

  “Is there anything I can do to make it easier?”

  He managed a smile, even though no one was around to see it. “This call helps.”

  “I didn’t want to interrupt, but...I’ve been worried.”

  He rubbed his temples with his free hand. He felt as if he was about to burst, that he would burst if he didn’t tell someone what was going through his mind. “Addy?”

  “Yes?”

  He stepped outside, into the cold, where there was no danger of being overheard. “Baxter tried to kiss me last week—and I mean...like a lover.”

  There was a long silence.

  “No comment?” he said.

  “I’m searching for the right one.”

  “You don’t seem particularly surprised.”

  “I’m not. I saw how he reacted to your distress during half time at the football game.”

  He didn’t want to remember that humiliating moment, but this piqued his interest. “What do you mean?”

  “He was so upset for you, so worried. He knew you’d hate being up there in front of everyone, and...I’m not sure how to say this without upsetting you even more, but...it reminded me of how someone’s girlfriend might behave, not their best buddy.”

  Apparently, she’d picked up on what so many people had missed, or discounted in an effort to give Baxter the benefit of the doubt. “I love him—just not in that way. It could never be that way.”

  “I know.”

  “So what do I
do? I feel like maybe I’m to blame for this.”

  “How did you react when he tried to kiss you?”

  “I was shocked but...I didn’t hit him.” He told her about their conversation the next morning, and how Baxter had said he needed space.

  “You’re not to blame, Noah. He knows you. He knew you wouldn’t respond to his kiss. If I had to guess, I’d say that was more of an act of desperation, of wanting to finally be who he is instead of the person he’s created for public consumption. This has more to do with his family, and his life here in Whiskey Creek, beyond you. It’s all of it.”

  “So how do I help him?” Noah asked.

  “You continue to be his friend no matter what.”

  Noah glanced back at the hospital. He hoped he’d have the chance.

  * * *

  Adelaide thought Noah might call once he learned how Baxter was faring, so when her phone rang an hour after they’d talked, she snapped it up without even looking at caller ID.

  “Hello?”

  “God, that sounded breathy.”

  Clyde. Addy hadn’t heard from her ex in weeks. She couldn’t imagine why he’d be calling her now. “My mother’s asleep down the hall. I’m trying not to wake her.”

  “Your mother’s around? What, is she in the middle of another divorce?”

  “That hasn’t been completely determined.” Adelaide hoped not. She didn’t relish the idea of having her mother live with her and Gran. It wasn’t like she’d be able to leave Whiskey Creek, even if that happened. Helen couldn’t be relied on to stay, or to do anything useful while she was here. She’d be more of a burden on Gran than anything else....

  “So what’s going on?” she asked. “Is everything okay?”

  “With me? I didn’t think you cared anymore.”

  She flinched. “Clyde, let’s not start in on the past.”

  “Fine. We’ll talk about the restaurant, then. It hasn’t been easy finding a chef who can do what you did, but...we’re getting by.”

  Why was he calling? “I’m glad to hear it, but it’s late and—”

  “I realized it might not be the best time to call. I almost didn’t, but...then I thought, ‘What the hell, maybe she’ll want to know.’”