That first night, a nurse came into my room with the baby and literally begged me to breastfeed her. Ember was so sick they couldn't get her to suckle a bottle, and they didn't have enough donated breast milk to give her what she needed. They didn't want to insert a feeding tube unless it was absolutely necessary. They could've given her formula but felt breast milk would be best for her. So, obviously, they thought they'd try me. They weren't to know what happened to me, how I ended up pregnant with Ember, I told Mandy, no one else.
But still I refused to breastfeed the baby.
Told her that I couldn't do it. She had no idea how much it was killing me inside being so close to that baby and hearing her cries of pain. Because the baby was in pain.
I couldn't take it.
So I reluctantly took the baby from the nurse who then helped her latch on to my breast. The nurse left the room for a while, and the whole time, I cried. The intimate moment between my daughter and me was too much. I saw how beautiful and innocent she was, and I couldn't believe such a beautiful little creature had come from such an awful night. I stroked the back of her head and told her how I would always love her and how sorry I was that I couldn't keep her.
I ended up breastfeeding her the entire time she was in the hospital. Two weeks. Mandy was fine with that because she was still breastfeeding her twins and wanted what was best for Ember.
The day they came for her, I found it hard to let go. I cried my heart out. It tore me up inside to the point I couldn't let go. Mandy told me that I didn't have to let go, that I could take my baby home and love her the way she knew I wanted to. And I did want to. But the fact remained that I couldn't care for her the way she needed me to care for her. And so Mandy took my baby girl from my arms and left.
I lay in bed that night in my cold bedroom back home and sobbed until I had nothing left in me to cry out. My boobs were leaking like crazy and I missed the special moments Ember and I shared each time I nursed her. I'd already promised Mandy that I would express milk each day for the baby and nurse her at least once a day. She didn't have enough milk to feed three babies.
Each day, I took the milk around to her house. Each day, she allowed me to hold Ember, to nurse her. I clung to those special half-hour days. And it took me a lot to walk out of there without her each time.
I did that up until I just couldn't take anymore and I had to make a choice. Either be her mother and take her home or leave and get on with my life. Ember was happy where she was and I needed to find my father. I needed a way to put behind me what happened. So I distanced myself from my child. I stopped going around there. I expressed the milk on the understanding that Mandy fetched it from me without Ember in her arms.
Mandy talked about adoption and how she wanted to get the ball rolling. I agreed because I knew it was what was best for my daughter. But it seemed that neither Mandy or I ever got around to setting anything in motion.
Around all of that, I got on with my work, doing the job people hired me for. All the time finding out more information on my father and where to find him. He'd been four hours away all that time.
Of course, I could have found that out easily months before, but I was so wrapped up in what happened to me, getting revenge, and my decision to leave my baby behind that it kind of took a back seat.
I thought coming here last month meant I could put it all behind me. Finally, Ember was with a good family who I thought would love and care for her the way they did their own children. I even told Mandy in our last phone conversation that it was time to get the adoption rolling. She told me she'd speak to the right people and get the ball rolling. I thought Ember would finally be settled.
Obviously, I put my faith in the wrong people. And now my daughter is laying on my bed fast asleep and I have no fucking clue what the hell to do.
What am I supposed to tell my father?
Will he be angry?
Will my brother?
Maybe I could find her a new family before mine finds out about her. All I know is that I can't bring her into the life I have made for myself. I couldn't be that selfish.
“Here.” I turn in my seat on the couch to look at Tank, he's offering me a cup of coffee. I don't drink coffee. I haven't nursed Ember in almost a month, but for some reason, I still express milk twice a day. If I didn't want my child wouldn't I have allowed my milk to dry up?
But every single day, I know when she's hungry, my boobs ache and leak. Every day, my heart breaks thinking about how much I wish I could be the mother she needs, and every day, I long for it all to end.
“I can't drink that.”
“You don't like coffee?” He asks while placing two cups on my coffee table and taking a seat beside me.
“I don't know why I have it in the cupboard when no one comes around here much. I stopped drinking it when Ember was born. I had to nurse her.” I shrug while leaning my head back against the couch.
“But you haven't nursed her in a while.”
“I made sure my milk didn't dry up. Why would I do that if I intended to leave her behind, Tank? What's wrong with me?” The tears fall from my eyes. I'm tired and emotional, and so very confused.
I close my eyes to the touch of his hand on my face, his thumb wiping away the tears from my cheek gently. “Because you love her and you knew deep down that you'd see her again.”
“I don't know what to do, Tank.” I sob. “I'm so confused.”
“Come here.” He pulls me into his arms and I let him. I need someone to hold me right now. No one's held me since I was a little girl. His big strong arms encase me. I rest my head against his powerful chest and he strokes my hair tenderly. “Someone hurt you, didn't they?”
I don't answer him. He'd never understand if I told him the truth. And to be honest, I don't want to tell him, or anyone else for that matter.
“I know, Nova. I figured it out. And it was more than one man, wasn't it?”
I close my eyes and let the silent tears fall. I can't answer him. What am I supposed to say? That I was kidnapped? Held prisoner? Beaten? Abused? Raped? Used like I was nothing but a whore?
All of that is true, but I couldn't bear to actually say it out loud. Especially not to this man. It would make it all real if I let it out. I've pretended for so long that I can't let go. Sure, I've ended almost every man that hurt me, but there are still a couple bastards still out there, walking around like they don't have a care in the world.
Not for long.
I feel Tank's heavy breaths and the beating of his heart in his massive chest against my face. I close my eyes and listen to the rhythm, it's soothing.
“The past is gone, baby. And if you tell me who those men are, I'll kill the motherfuckers for what they've done to you!” I smile to myself. He's so damn sweet. But I don't need him to avenge me, I did that myself.
I stroke his chest trying to calm him. “I don't need you to be a hero, Tank. Not in that respect at least. They're all gone now. Well, all but two. I made sure of it.”
“The Exorcist?” I nod against him. He doesn't know that I'm The Exorcist, only Jett does. But Tank believes I work for “him” as they all refer to The Exorcist as. “Good.” He mumbles against my hair before kissing me there.
“I can't imagine what you went through after something like that, Nova. But that little girl in there is not to blame. She needs you, you're her mother. The one person in this world she needs the most is you. She is a part of you, Nova. A very beautiful part of you.”
“But I'm scared.” I look up at him and he strokes my face. “I'm scared that I'll mess her up like my mother did me.”
I'm also scared to do this alone. I'm a trained killer for fuck’s sake. If anybody finds out who I truly am I'll have an army of men and women at my door ready to take me out. How would it be fair to Ember for me to bring her into that way of life?
You brought her into the world, Nova, she's stuck in that way of life with you. There's nothing you can do about it now.
The only th
ing I can do is give up The Exorcist. There are just two motherfuckers left for me to end. Two bastards I need to make pay for what they did to me. Either one of them could be Ember's father. But then so could one of the other bastards who raped me. Just two more cunts and Ember and I could be free from it all.
Listen to me. What am I thinking? That I'm going to keep my little girl? Maybe I just need to have a little more faith in my abilities to be a mom, in my ability to protect her. She's my baby, there is nothing I wouldn't do to protect her.
“You will not mess her up, Nova. You are not your mother. But if you give up on that beautiful little girl in there, then there is a good chance she'll become messed up.”
I know he's right. I know it in my heart.
But I am so scared that I'll one day look at her and see nothing but those men and what they did to me. I don't want to be the mother who grows to despise her own child because of the memories left behind.
“You have so many people to count on, sweetheart. So many people who love you.” Something in the way he said that made my heart beat a little faster.
My eyes close with a slight roll as he cups my face and leans into me. Oh my god, he's gonna kiss me! “You're so beautiful.” He whispers against my mouth.
“Tank,” It comes out breathy, simply because I can hardly breathe with how hard my heart is beating. Then his lips hit mine and a loud groan escapes my throat.
Shit, is that really me?
There's nothing rushed about his kiss, it's soft and gentle, kind of like he's savoring every touch of our lips, tongues. I've never been kissed like this. Might have something to do with the fact I have touch issues and I don't kiss people. But with Tank, I can't help myself.
His hand slides around the back of my head, pulling me closer. I grab the front of his cut and lift my leg over his thighs and straddle him. I slide my hands around his neck, our lips still fused together as I grind into the hard length of him. And my god is he hard. So hard my pussy is throbbing against it.
With his hand on my face, he gently pulls out of our kiss and rests his forehead against mine. I bite my lower lip, trying hard to hide the smile on my face. I have wanted him to kiss me from the moment I first laid eyes on him. “Your dad is gonna kill me.”
I can't help the giggle that escapes me. “He won't kill you.”
“I swore I wouldn't fall for you.”
I swallow hard. “You've fallen for me?” I ask while pulling away from him a little in order to look at him.
He opens his mouth to answer me, but he's cut short when a loud wailing sound echoes through the whole house. “It's okay, you can do this.” I nod in agreement even though I have no fucking clue if I can do this.
I follow her to the bedroom. I offered to leave but she begged me to stay. She needs support right now and I am honored that it's me she wants to support her.
I've tried so damn hard to fight what I feel for her, the more I fought it the deeper I fell for her. Nova is a dangerous beauty.
Yes, that's what I said, dangerous. I see it in her eyes.
How dangerous?
I haven't worked that much out yet, but I will.
But she's also a mother, a scared mother who needs a little help to realize that she is everything this little girl needs. The little girl now on her stomach looking right at us. The little girl who is the image of Nova. God, those big blue eyes of hers are looking right at me.
Ember blinks while looking at Nova. She recognizes her mother, even after being away from her for a month. The baby blinks again before a huge smile erupts across her gorgeous little face. “Mamma.” She points a tiny little finger at Nova and Nova sucks back a sob.
The baby repeats the word, again and again, giggling happily, wanting her mother to lift her.
“She definitely knows her mommy.” I chuckle.
“I used to whisper in her ear while I nursed her. I used to tell her, “Mommy loves you, Ember.” She first said the word, “Mamma” the day before I left my apartment to come here. Mandy was walking toward her house carrying Ember. I tried to avoid them like I had for a while. Then I heard it, “Mamma.” My head shot up and my baby was pointing at me like she is right now. My heart broke and I ran.” She hangs her head.
I clasp her shoulder and kiss her head. “I'm here, baby. Take strength from me.”
She nods and takes a deep breath.
I watch her reach for the baby, who's now squealing in delight. “Hi, baby girl. Mommy missed you.” The baby squeals happily while clapping her tiny hands. Nova laughs and clasps the back of the baby's head, bringing it down and kissing her forehead. “I love you so much, Ember.” She says while sitting down on the edge of her bed.
“Mo-ca-be-be.” Ember's baby talk makes me laugh.
“This is Tank. He's a very nice man.” I smile and take a seat next to Nova on her bed. “He's mommy's very good friend.”
Ember holds her arms out to me while trying to climb out of her mother’s arms. She's a forward little thing. So trusting. I take her and hold her awkwardly. Never held many babies in my life before this one.
“Don't look so worried, you won't hurt her. She likes you.”
“I like her too, she's beautiful just like her mom.” Nova shyly bites her lower lip while tucking her hair behind her ear. “How old is she?”
“Ten months.”
“You're a tiny little thing, aren't you?” Ember just looks at me while chewing on her fist. Her big trusting eyes watching me, never faltering. Between the two of them, I am totally fucked. Prez is gonna kill me for what I'm about to say, but I'll be a cunt if I don't say it. “I think your mommy should give uncle Tank a chance. What do you think, Ember?”
“A chance at what?” Nova asks quietly.
I turn my head towards her, baby Ember rests her little head on my shoulder. “A chance to prove I can be everything you ever needed.”
“You mean... Like a relationship?”
“Yes, a relationship. I want you to be my old lady.” I cup her face with my free hand. I have no fuckin' clue what I'm doing, but I'm gonna end up with my goddamn nuts in a vise for this.
“Your dad will more than likely kill me, but I can't deny what I feel for you, Nova. This little girl, the moment I saw her, I knew I wanted to protect you both from everything. And yes, I know you're quite capable of taking care of yourself, but you can lean on me, Nova.”
“I've always been alone, Tank. It's just who I am. I don't even know if it would work between us. You don't even know me.”
“Then we'll get to know each other. Let me take you out.”
“And what about Ember? What do you suppose I do with her?” She smiles as I chew on my lip trying to think of a solution.
“We could just have dinner. We don't even have to go anywhere.” I look down at the baby girl stroking my chest with her tiny hand. I smile and kiss her head. “I just wanna spend some time with you both. Get to know both of you. I won't hurt you, Nova. That's not what I'm about. But I will protect you with my life.” I tuck her hair behind her ear. “I've wanted to make you my old lady since the first moment I saw you.”
She sucks in a deep breath and closes her eyes for a second. When she opens them again she smiles right at me. “It's weird, but I've never thought about being anybody's anything. But when I met you, I imagined myself belonging to you. Then I thought, how could I belong to a man whose name I don't even know? What about family? Parents, siblings?”
It's not wrong of her to want to know these things. If I am to make her mine – and I do want to make her mine – then I need to tell her about myself. Even though I've never told any woman anything about myself that mattered. Even though Shepard will kill me when he finds out what I have planned for his daughter.
“My name is Haiden Marshall. I'm twenty-eight years old. I have one brother, no parents.” She narrows her eyes slightly. “They died before I reached sixteen. My brother, Sam, was twenty at the time. He took care of me. Without him, I don't know what wou
ld have happened to me.
“My father was a member of the Snakes Henchmen. Your grandfather, Apollo, was the president at the time. My dad, Titus, was a higher member of the club back then, Sergeant-At-Arms. My father, Blackjack, and Shepard were more than brothers. They bled together, shed blood together. We had many good family days together. After my mom and dad died, Shepard took my brother and me in for a while. My brother was already a member, already patched, working his way to earning a higher rank,”
I take a deep breath as she takes my hand in hers.
Why does this feel so right? Baby in my arms, Nova by my side?
This little girl isn't of my blood, I've known about her two hours, yet I feel my heart swelling with love for her. Love I have for her mother.
Did I really just say the fuckin' L-word?
I did and I mean it whole-heartedly. I love Nova. How it happened I have no idea. I've known her a month and she's already ingrained in my heart and mind. God, the two of them already mean everything to me. I could love this baby as if she were mine. I don't give a damn where she came from. I could love her mother as my old lady, my wife.
Ah, hell, where the fuck did that come from? My wife? I know I said I was ready for it, but I've always loved getting my dick wet and not caring a shit which tight pussy that made it happen. I love fuckin' hard, fast, forcefully. I like to fuck women into the damn mattress, the fuckin' floor, wherever I can.
That's why you haven't touched another woman since you met Nova?
When I look at Nova, I realize I'm not that man anymore. I haven't been that man since I first set eyes on her. I have to make her mine, there's no maybe's about it. She's mine and I have to make her see why. Even if Shepard does castrate me for it. She's worth it. She's the girl I've been waiting for all these years. The girl I have yearned for since my parents passed away and left me with no real family but my brother.
“I have so much respect for Shepard. He cared for me when I was nothing more than a scrawny kid who lost his parents in a revenge attack on the club.” She sucks in a breath but doesn't say anything. She just strokes my big hand with her delicate fingers.
The One I Need Page 9