“Jett was a few months younger than me but had already taken his road name, because he knew who he was since the age of eleven. Or so he told me. Your grandfather had told him he'd be president one day and that he was so proud of Jett for wanting to be the man he knew he'd always grow up to be. Whenever family days came up, those days where the members would take their families to biker events, Apollo would make sure everyone knew who his grandson was. Jett, because he was strong and fast. Powerful like a jet engine.
“Jett was a big built kid, tall and strong. I soon followed his routine each day, running, working out, school, more working out. It didn't take me long to gain the muscle.” I smile to myself as the little fingers on Ember's other hand flex on my bicep. She's an inquisitive little thing.
“By the time I was fifteen, Apollo had named me Tank. He, along with half the MC, including your dad and mine – it was before he died – had seen me beat a guy for upsetting Willow, which then upset Lynette.” Lynette is Shepard's old lady, his wife. Willow is twenty-four years old now, not Shepard's biological daughter, but his daughter nonetheless. And a sister to me all our lives.
Back then she was a shy, scared little thing. Guys seemed to think it was okay to bully her, make her feel less than. At the tender age of twelve, none of us could fathom why anyone would want to bully her, let alone boys. Jett and I wouldn't stand for it. In our eyes, she was our sister and nobody messed with our family.
But this particular day was vile. She was twelve years old, Jett and I were teaching her a little self-defence in the front yard at Shepard's place. My mom, Jett's, and Hawk's mother, Blackjack’s wife, Taylor, were all inside.
Two idiots yelled something – can't remember what anymore, but it was vile – Jett let his mouth run off with him. Big guys started in on us. My mother and his came running out of the house. Bastards said something vile to Lynette, Jett beat the shit outta one of them, I took on the other. We fucked them up like you wouldn't believe.
We became junior members then and there. Jett and Tank, a force to be reckoned with. Even at that young age.
“Apollo said that I hit with devastation, the way an army tank would. It stuck and I've been Tank ever since.”
“Wow. I had no idea. Will I get to meet your brother? I assume he's still with the club?”
“He is. You've met him already. A few times. You seem to have a soft spot for him.” She scrunches her eyes in confusion and it's so fuckin' cute it makes me laugh. “Hammer,” I tell her through my laughter.
“Hammer is your brother? Like your real brother, as in the same parents?” I nod my head. “Oh my god, that makes so much sense as to why I feel a connection to him. I couldn't put my finger on it before. God, you don't look alike.”
“No. He looks more like our mother, I look a lot like our father.” I bring her hand up to my lips and plant a kiss on her knuckles. “I don't have much to offer you, Nova. Nothing but my heart. But I'll give it to you wholly. All in, nothing left behind.”
“There's a lot that I still need to deal with, Tank. A lot of crap I've tried to put behind me, but it hasn't been easy. But I'll get there, I know I will. Then there's this little lady.” She strokes Ember's back gently. The little girl is now asleep in my arms.
Well fuck me, it seems I have the magic touch.
“I need a stable home for her, Tank. I know I'm never going to be able to give her a normal life. Not with who my father and brother are. But I don't want her to see death and devastation the way I did growing up. She needs a mother and father who will put her first, protect her from harm, love her like she's the most precious jewel in their crown.”
“And you don't think we could do that?”
“I don't know.” She averts her eyes, looking down at our entwined hands. “I think I'd like to try. I think we should spend some time getting to know each other. The two of us, and sometimes the three of us. If you're really serious about us then we need to go slow. I don't want to rush into anything.”
I smile while clasping the back of her head, bringing her forehead down to my lips, and I kiss her head softly. “As slow as you want, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere.” And I truly mean that.
I'm so nervous right now. I'm sitting on my couch biting the pad of my thumb as I wait for my father, brother, stepmother, and stepsister to arrive. They're not bringing the kids because they're at school. I knew they would be, that's why I wanted to do this now.
I've stayed home for the past couple days getting used to having Ember with me. Mandy had packed a note with Ember's things, her routine written down to make things a little easier for both of us. It helped a lot. I'm used to her feeding routine, my boobs leak every time she's hungry, even more so now she's with me and I'm nursing her again. She naps every few hours and wakes once during the night to feed.
She's not a fussy baby as Mandy had told Tank.
Maybe she's just not fussy for me.
Or maybe it seemed worse to Mandy because she had three babies to deal with.
I sent her a thank you text. Thank you because she did the right thing by dropping my daughter off with me. I just needed that little push to show me I could do this, I can love Ember the way she deserves.
Mandy texted me back and told me that I had nothing to thank her for and that she's happy Ember and I finally have each other.
I don't think she'll ever know how truly grateful I am for everything she did for my daughter and me. I only hope one day, she will.
I thanked Tank too. He's been wonderful these past few days. He went to the baby store and collected a crib, blankets, baby swing, diapers, new clothes. Everything Ember needed.
I bet that looked weird to other shoppers, a huge ass biker buying baby products.
Tank dotes on Ember. I love seeing them interact the way they do. As soon as she's finished nursing, she climbs all over me to get to him. He holds her close while burping her, not that he needs to do that at her age, but it's nice that he tries.
Ember then spends ten minutes just listening to Tank talking to her. She tries to talk to him in her own baby way, which makes him laugh. She kisses his cheek over and over again while laughing her little head off at the way he tickles her. I then sit with a smile on my face as he rocks her to sleep while singing to her. It's so sweet, and it soothes her off to sleep quickly. He actually has an amazing singing voice. It's beautiful. He could have been a professional singer with that voice.
For such a big strong man, he's quite the softy. And I can tell he's fallen in love with my little girl.
As grateful as I am for his help, the fact he keeps telling me that he wants to be with me freaks me out a little. Not just because I'm scared to be with him intimately, but because I can't tell if he really wants to be with me.
He never showed any interest in me until Ember came along. I know he loves her, I can see it in his eyes when he's holding her. I can hear it in his voice when he says those words to her as she falls asleep. How can I be sure he really wants me? I've racked my brains over and over again over this.
I can't say that he doesn't show me any attention because he does. Each night when Ember is asleep in her crib next to my bed, he sits with me, his arm around me, his lips against mine as we make out like we'll die if we don't. And he never asks for more than I can give.
He even stays on the couch each night in case I need him. And that's my doing because, after the first night, I asked him to stay with us, I didn't want him to leave. I should let him leave. The only time he's left since Ember came along, apart from when he went to the store to collect things for Ember was yesterday when he left to go get some changes of clothes from his place.
Am I setting myself up for a fall?
I hope not. I'm falling for him so hard I don't know what to do with myself. He told me he's fallen for me, and I want to believe him, I just can't seem to tell my mind that he means what he says.
He told me that he wants to claim me as his old lady in front of everyone, but he wants to go slow
ly where my dad is concerned. He has so much respect for my dad that he feels like he's doing something wrong by loving me. Doesn't make me feel very good. Although I do understand where he's coming from. My dad made it clear to everyone that he wouldn't put up with anyone coming anywhere near me in that way.
God, how do I make my daddy see that Tank is everything I need? He'll protect me from harm, even though I'm quite capable of taking care of myself. It doesn't hurt a girl to know her man loves her enough to kill for her. And he would kill for me, I saw it in his eyes when he said he'd end any man that touched me in any way. Tank is good for me, to me, and he's amazing with my little girl. Surely my dad will see that?
Tank arranged everything today. He called up my dad and asked him to meet us here. He told him to bring Lynette and Willow with him. He then called Jett and asked him to come along too. He didn't tell them the reason why, and we won't be telling them about us today. Today is about Ember and me finally telling my family about her. I won't tell them how she came into this world, and I won't tell them who her father is, probably because I have no clue who he is. I just hope they understand.
“Don't look so worried, baby,” I smile as Tank kisses my temple while taking a seat beside me. “Everything is going to be fine.”
“I know. I just don't think I'm ready for all the questions they're no doubt going to ask me. What am I supposed to tell them about her father, Tank?”
“Nothing you don't want to tell them, Nova. Ember is the product of a drunken one-night stand if that's what you want to tell them. Tell them she's the product of a happy relationship but her father died before she was born. Yeah, it's a lie, but whatever you want to tell them is totally fine. No one will question it.”
I can't imagine lying to my father like that, but I can't imagine telling him the truth either.
I smile at Tank and stroke his cheek with my hand. His eyes close for a second before he grabs my hand and kisses my palm, sending tingles right to my pussy. “What would I do without you?”
“Lucky for you, you'll never have to find out. I meant what I said, Nova, I am here for the duration. No matter what happens, no matter how angry Shepard might be with me, I need you to know that I love you.”
I suck in a deep breath. That's the first time he's said those three words to me.
Yeah, he told me he'd fallen for me, but he never said the words. My heart is banging in my chest. How can he love me so soon after meeting me?
“I don't want to lose you, Nova.” He leans his forehead against mine.
“I don't want to lose you either.” I really don't. I don't know the extent of my feelings for him yet, but I do know that I need him. I haven't felt this way about anybody... Well, ever. I'm a strong woman in many ways. Hell, I'm dangerous, more than dangerous. But emotionally, right now, I don't feel all that strong.
Anybody can push their emotions to the back of their mind, pretending they don't care, don't need anybody, but the truth is, everybody needs someone to lean on. This man right here has shown me over the last few days that I can really count on him when I need him. And right now, I am not ashamed to say that I need him. I just hope he doesn't think I'm using him because I am so not using him.
The door knocks startling me. Tank kisses my head and goes to answer the door.
God, my heart is thumping so hard it feels like it's coming out of my mouth!
Please understand. Please don't push my little girl away, she needs you all as much as I do.
I get to my feet and greet my father and his wife, my brother, and sister. I cling to my dad when he hugs me. I cling to him for dear life, not wanting him to let go of me. I just need him right now.
My dad is so tall, built, and so very strong. I feel safe in his arms. Like no one can hurt me when he holds me. This is what I missed as a little girl, the way he would hold me and make all of my childhood monsters disappear.
“What's wrong, princess?” He asks, concerned as I lock my hands together behind his back, making sure he doesn't let go. I can't answer him, I'm trying so hard not to cry. “Tank, do you wanna tell me what the hell is going on? Why is my little girl upset like this?”
“She just needs you right now, Prez.”
“Why? What's going on?”
“There's something I have to tell you,” I say, finally letting go of my father. I look up at him and wipe the tears from my cheeks. “Take a seat.” I watch everyone sit down in various seats spread out around my small den. Hell, this whole apartment is small. Too small now that I have Ember with me. I'll find us somewhere bigger soon. Because I'm staying here in this town of Bardsville with my family.
I sit down in between my brother and Tank on the couch. I need Tank's strength right now. I won't get through this without it.
I'm not ashamed of my daughter, I'm ashamed of her father and what he did to me. I'm ashamed because I'll never know which of those nine men are biologically linked to my daughter. I'm ashamed that I couldn't fight hard enough to stop all those men doing what they did to me. And I'm ashamed of what I did when she was born, the way I treated her.
All eyes are on me. Each person wondering what the hell they're here for. “I've loved being here with you all. It's been the best time of my life. You've all made me feel so at home. Like I really belong here.”
“You do belong here, Nova.”
I smile at my brother. We've gotten really close since I disclosed my other life to him.
“There's something I've been keeping from you all. Something I shouldn't have kept from you. But I was ashamed.” I scrub my hands over my face.
“Nova, what are you talkin' about?” My dad asks.
“Ten months ago...” I swallow hard, trying to fight back the tears threatening to spill over. “I had a baby.” My dad’s eyes widen. Lynette and Willow exchange knowing looks. My brother shifts uncomfortably beside me. They're uncomfortable now, wait till I tell them what I did. “I gave her away.”
“You did what?” I thought my father would be the one who asked the questions, but it's my brother who's now on his feet, looking at me like I've killed his whole family. “You had a child and gave it away! Why?”
“Because I didn't think I could care for her, Jett,” I say defensively without yelling.
“Her?” Lynette asks kindly. “You had a baby girl?”
I nod my head. “I called her Ember.”
“Why Ember?” Why do people always ask that question? Each time I was over at Mandy's nursing my daughter and Mandy had visitors, they'd always ask that same question. Willow is no different.
“Because she was the last burning ember in my heart. I had nothing and nobody else in the world but her. I loved her, but I thought I'd die if I had to be her mother. So I found her a new one.”
I sit and explain to everyone about Mandy and how she took Ember as her own. I tell them about me nursing the baby because Mandy couldn't due to having two other babies that needed nursing. How I broke my own heart loving Ember and having to leave her each time. I tell them how Ember came into this world after one night of hell. But I won't tell them any actual details no matter how many times they ask me to, and they ask more than once.
I couldn't lie the way Tank told me to, it doesn't feel right. But I know my brother knows exactly what I'm trying to say. I see the look in his eyes that tells me exactly that. By the time I'm done, everyone is looking at me with both sympathy and anger.
My brother suddenly grabs my wrist and pulls me out of my seat and straight into his arms. “I'm so sorry.” He whispers through a kiss to my head. “I wish I could have found you back then. I would have helped you.”
“I loved her so much.”
“I know, sweetheart, I know.”
“Nova?” I look at my father without moving from my brother's arms. “My sweet little girl.” He grabs me and pulls me from Jett's arms and into his own.
Damn, these men love me so much. I had no idea it would feel this good to be loved like this. My mother took me from the
se men and made me believe they died and left me. How could she have done that to me? I can't let my baby girl feel the way I once did. I won't allow it.
“Is she happy?” Lynette asks as she strokes my back.
“I think so.” I pull away from my dad. I need a little breathing space. “A couple days ago, Mandy brought Ember here. She handed her to Tank and just left without even speaking to me.” Tank smiles at me from where he stands by the door. I nod slightly, letting him know I want him to bring Ember into the room.
“You have her?” I nod at my brother. He breathes deeply in through his nose and out through his mouth and runs his hand through his hair.
“I've spent the last couple days getting used to having her here. I didn't think I could do it, but Tank has been a really good friend, showing me that I can do this.” I look to my father, he's looking at me with wide eyes. He's not happy that Tank's been here. “She's my little girl, Daddy.” I wipe a tear from my eye. “I never realized I could love her as much as I do. I thought giving her to another family was what was best for her, that it would keep her safe. But she's mine and I just want her to know you all, to be loved by you all the way I am. Please, Dad.”
He takes me by the shoulders and kisses my head. “I am so proud of you, Nova. I am so, so proud of you.” I giggle through my tears. I feel such a weight lift off my shoulders. And it's such a weight that I feel lighter.
“Mamma!” I laugh and pull away from my father as Tank walks toward me, my baby girl bouncing in his arms while clapping her tiny little hands in excitement at seeing me. And it's the same every time she sees me.
I take her from Tank and hold her against me while breathing her in. I kiss her head and rest her on my hip. All eyes are on my little girl as she chews on her little fist.
“Everyone, this is Ember. Ember, say hi.” She giggles and claps her hands again, making us all laugh. She's such a happy little girl, I am so proud to be her mother. “Ember, this is your grandfather.
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