Finding Ever After

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  Bas and Chris would always be my brothers, but the steps Shane and I had taken towards building a relationship, brought a sliver of peace to the part of my soul that had always dwelt on feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt, because I believed something had to be innately wrong with me if my own family couldn’t love me. Shane and I still had a long way to go in just getting to know one another, but I was excited about having a blood relative who would be there for me. I hadn’t felt that since my mom died.

  “You trust him? I’m sure that’s exactly what he wants, so he can set you up for his buddy, just like before.” Bas bit out, and up until that point Shane had been sitting there quietly.

  “I didn’t fucking have anything to do with that.” Shane snapped as he flung himself up from the couch. Bas squared his shoulders and pressed forward. Both Kyden and Chris shifted their stances, ready to step in if the situation escalated.

  “Why should I believe you? How many times did you let him near her?” Bas took another step closer, every word laced with indignation. “How many times did you leave her alone with him? You practically served her up on a platter.” I stood up to put my hand on Bas’ arm, but he shook me off without as much as a glance. I looked pleadingly at Chris to do something but I could tell he was siding with his brother. I forced myself to look over at Kyden. I didn’t want him hearing any of this. I could see the tension in his jaw and the fury in his eyes. It was obvious he was drawing his own conclusions from the bits of information being laid out.

  “I don’t care what you think. Yes he was my friend, but I didn’t know what he had planned, that he was going to … I mean I knew he was an asshole, but I just didn’t …” He had trouble putting into words what had haunted my nightmares for years.

  “Your own father -”

  “STOP!” I screamed, I couldn’t let Bas finish that sentence. Kyden couldn’t know my shame at being betrayed by my flesh and blood. Everyone’s eyes darted to me, and with a pleading look I tried to make Bas understand. “Please don’t do this here.” His eyes flitted to Kyden and he seemed to realize what I was asking.

  “Fine. The three of us will go upstairs. You two,” he said, addressing Kyden and Chris. “Can wait down here.” Neither one looked pleased about being excluded but they didn’t protest. I turned and led the way up to my room where we would have more privacy, as long as it didn’t escalate into another shouting match.

  I took a seat on the edge of my bed but both guys remained standing. They were quiet, allowing me the opportunity to speak first.

  “Bas, I know this is hard to accept. I had the same doubts at first, but after you hear what he has to say, you’ll realize he’s not trying to trick me or hurt me.”

  “Hmph, we’ll see.” His tone made it quite clear that he doubted there was anything Shane could say to convince him. He laced his words with as much disdain as he could when he addressed him. “So let’s hear it, tell me all about how you’ve changed.”

  “You actually played a part in it.” Bas looked shocked for a second before he covered it up with cool indifference. “You may not believe me, but even though I was a dick to Jaxyn, I never actually wanted her hurt. I didn’t find out what happened until months after.” Bas gave him a doubtful look. “I’m telling you the truth. I found out the day you showed up at the house after Jaxyn had already split.”

  Hearing him repeat the story for Bas flashed me back to the day I came out of my apartment and found Shane standing on the stoop outside

  “I was hoping if I stood out here long enough you would show. I couldn’t work up the nerve to knock on your door.” What was he doing here? Was he here for my father, to try and take me back? Oh God, please don’t let Connor be with him. It’d been almost three years, why now? “I can tell you’re not happy to see me, and I don’t blame you. I just want to say what I came here to say and then if you still want me gone, I’ll go. Just please hear me out, it’s taken me a long time to track you down.” I snorted.

  “Don’t try to play this like Dad hasn’t known where I’ve been this whole time. I’m not delusional enough to think that he couldn’t find me with just one phone call.”

  “You’re right, but since I haven’t spoken to our father in over two years it was a little bit harder for me.”

  “What?”I couldn’t mask my surprise.

  “Yeah, and if you’ll give me just a little bit of your time I’ll explain everything.”

  I let him follow me over to the little diner down the street. I claimed a corner booth in the back and he slid in across from me.

  “So, you want to talk, then talk.”I raised my arm up to flag down a waitress and ordered a cup of tea, Shane got a coffee.

  “I know I’ve never been anything other than another reason for you to hate our family, but I’d like the chance to change that. I want to try to actually be your brother.” Not what I was expecting and I wasn’t buying it.

  “Why now?” He had plenty of opportunities during my six year stay at that house to be my brother. What could have changed in the time that I had been gone?

  “Because I didn’t protect you when I should have.” I froze, knowing exactly what he was referring to and an icy chill swept over me as I mentally relived it. “I swear I didn’t know … I might not have liked you at the time and I never stopped Connor from running his mouth around you, but I would never have been okay with what he … I didn’t find out until later or I swear I would have stopped him.” Maybe it was the look on his face or something in his voice, but I believed he was telling me the truth. I was surprised by the hope I felt inside, the relief at knowing he hadn’t been in on it.

  “How did you find out?”

  “Sebastian showed up at the house about a week after you took off. Connor and I were the only ones there. Your buddy charged in and exploded, he threw himself on Connor faster than either one of us could react. He busted up his face pretty good before I ripped him off. I was about to lay into him when he started screaming, asking what Connor had done to you this time, and yelling that if he had put his hands on you again he was gonna kill him. At first I thought he had just lost his damn mind, then I remembered the first time your friend broke Connor’s nose. You were supposed to be grounded but you refused to come back to the house no matter what Dad threatened, and when you did finally come back you were so quiet and seemed scared like you were when you first moved in. That’s when I realized something must have gone down that I didn’t know about.” It gave me a tiny sliver of satisfaction to know that Bas had gotten Connor good again. He would have killed him that night when he found us if he hadn’t been so concerned with getting me out of there.

  “I was confused and stunned all at the same time. Here was this kid, he knew who our father was and who could’ve been at the house that day, and he just didn’t care. He was willing to take anyone on to protect you and I just had this feeling like that should’ve been me. I told Sebastian that you had taken off on your own, that nobody had hurt you. He just looked me in the eye laughed and told me I had to be joking saying nobody had hurt you. He left but I felt fucking sick, because he was right. We had all been hurting you for years.” His eyes were swamped with guilt and shame, and I knew it was genuine.

  “I didn’t know what to do.” His voice sounded defeated. I knew it was tough for him to tell me this. “I went to Dad and when I found out that he had pushed you into that situation that night, it wasn’t hard for me to put the pieces together about what went down. I was pissed and I was done. I told Dad I was out.”

  “How’d that go over?” I could just imagine the look on my dad’s face as his favorite child and protégé told him he was leaving.

  “Not fucking well. He was already in a rage over you splitting and he just came unglued.”

  “Like he cared one way or the other where I was. I’m sure he was just disappointed he couldn’t marry me off to Connor and keep all of the business in the family, but hey he still had one daughter left, he could’ve just given Cathryn t
o him.”

  “She certainly tried that, but Connor never wanted her. It was always you, and I’m sorry nobody ever stopped that.” I wasn’t surprised to hear that Cathryn had thrown herself at Connor. She just didn’t know how lucky she was that he didn’t want her. Although they might actually be made for each other, she was almost as cruel and vicious as he was. “But you’re underestimating how Dad feels about you. Even though I know he played his part in what happened, I don‘t think he knows the extent of what Connor did. He wouldn’t listen when I tried to make him see it, but I think that if he really knew everything, he would kill him.”

  “You’re wrong. I’m not underestimating anything. I’m pretty clear on just how much contempt and loathing he feels towards me. I think maybe you’re confusing yourself, or Ryan or even Cathryn, with me. I’m the one he can’t stand.” My Dad wasn’t really loving or affectionate with any of us, but none of them got the same hostility and resentment from him that I did. Shane was his favorite, he tolerated Ryan and Cath, but he despised me.

  “That’s because he cares about you more than the rest of us.” Now I really was beginning to think this whole thing was some cruel joke.

  “I think the word you meant to use was less. He cares about me less than the rest of you.”

  “I know it seems that way, but it’s not true. He just has a harder time accepting you because you remind him of your mom.” Why was he bringing my mother into it? He must’ve read the question on my face. “As hard as he tried he tried he couldn’t stop himself from loving her.” I was instantly furious. My father did a lot of things to my mom, but loving her was not one of them.

  “Don’t you dare.” I seethed. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, but he sure as hell didn’t love my mother. He broke her. He used her and ripped her heart out and never looked back. That is not love.” I could feel my rage building like a hurricane fueled by the pain that man caused her. My raised voice caused customers to look our way. Shane noticed as well and lowered his own voice.

  “Our father is a special kind of bastard, but he did love her, as much as he is capable of loving anyone. That’s exactly why he did those things. He has no use for love because it has no value to him. It’s a weakness and he despises weakness in people, especially himself.”

  “That’s sick and so messed up. You don’t do that to people you love. Where are you even getting this from? What makes you so sure you’re right?”

  “I know it doesn’t make sense to you, you’re not twisted like he is. He doesn’t tolerate weakness so he tried to eliminate it. He did that by leaving your Mom and he did it by being just as awful to you, making sure that you would hate him. She’s the only one he ever loved and I would imagine that since you’re a piece of her, it still affects him deeply.”

  “You‘re saying he reserved a unique brand of cruelty just for us because he was afraid of loving us? I have a hard time believing that.”

  “Answer me this, why out of all his kids were you the only one allowed to be raised by your mom? When the rest of us were born we were put into the care of nannies under his control and our moms were only given limited access to us, but not you.” I didn’t have an answer for him and he knew it.

  “He let your mom keep you and gave up any say in your life because he couldn’t stop himself from caring about her. As much as he hurt her, he couldn’t take you away from her. He wasn’t willing to give the rest of our moms, or anyone else, the opportunity to manipulate him by using his kids, but he did in your case.”

  “My mom would have fought him. My mom would never have sat back and let him take me.” I didn’t mean for that to shine such a harsh light on his own mother, but I couldn’t change the truth.

  “You’re right about your mom being different, but do you honestly think if he had wanted to take you, that she could have stopped him?” No. No matter how much my mother loved me and no matter how hard she would have fought, he could have kept her from ever seeing me again. Nobody ever gets in his way and survives.

  “You know, we didn’t even know you existed before you came to live with us, I’m not sure if anyone did. Not a word was ever spoken about you, but I remember the day I found out. I was fifteen and for days Dad had been in the worst mood any of us had ever seen. Throwing and smashing things all over the house. He was like a damn grizzly bear, nobody wanted to approach him for anything because he was biting heads off left and right. Then one morning he came into my room, told me to put a suit on and come with him.

  “We ended up standing in the back at a funeral service. Everyone there was crying and I didn’t understand why we were there. It was for some lady I had never heard of. I looked around, it wasn’t a huge service, but I could tell that the people must have really loved whoever she was. Then dad just looked at me and said, ‘These people all are fools. This is what happens when you let your emotions rule you. Don’t waste your time on love or you’ll end up just like them.’ I’d never seen Dad so … emotional, but it was nothing compared to everyone else there. They were all devastated. Especially the little girl sitting in the front row. She was bawling these awful, heart wrenching sobs. When she walked past me, I saw her face she had the most shattered look in her eyes, almost like she was empty, like whoever had died had taken this little girl with them. Then Dad said, ‘She’s your sister.’ We left and that was it. He didn’t mention it again until the day you moved in.”

  “That’s not possible. You couldn’t have been at the funeral. I went to a group foster home for two months because they couldn’t figure out who my father was to notify him. If he was there then that means he …”

  “He knew, and we were there. He left you in the group home because he hoped some other relative of your mom’s would pop up and take you. It was his last attempt to do something for your mom, for you. He was trying to keep you away from his life and I think he was also too scared to face you. You’re the manifestation of the only love he’s ever truly shown; his only weakness.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’d spent my entire life believing my father hated me. Now I was being told that in his own messed up way he actually cared about me and my mom. I wasn’t sure what to believe, but I did know it wouldn’t change anything. Or would it? It definitely didn’t make up for all the things he had done.

  “I don’t know what you expect me to do with all this. Even if what you’re telling me is true, it doesn’t make anything okay. The things he’s done are inexcusable.”

  “I know. I didn’t come here to try and get you to forgive him or stop hating him. I just thought it would help you to understand him better and understand why I was so cold to you, why Cathryn and Ryan always had it out for you. We all knew you were different, that you meant something more to him than we did, and we resented you for it.”

  “How was any of it my fault? And what the hell could you have possibly resented? He treated me terribly!” I choked out.

  “It wasn’t your fault, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. None of it was ever your fault.”

  “So now, what? You’re just over it, done hating me because I ran away and you finally realized Connor is an evil psychopath and our father is a coward?” I looked at him skeptically. I just didn’t see how it was enough for this complete personality makeover I was seeing.

  “There’s more …”

  I was brought back to the present just as Shane was recounting to Bas, the last bit of his story; the part that finally convinced me and left absolutely no doubt about his sincerity. It, or I should say she, was also the main impetus for my return.

  “Her name is Isabelle. She turned two six months ago. I found out my girlfriend Lucy was four months pregnant the day before you showed up looking for Jax. I’m ashamed to admit that when Lucy told me I reacted exactly as you would have expected me to. I told her I didn’t want anything to do with a kid, and that she wasn’t going to use a baby to try and trap me.” Bas’ face screwed into disgust and he shook his head.

&n
bsp; “I’m not proud of my behavior, but the idea of being a father terrified me. After you showed up and made me realize just how much we had all failed Jaxyn, especially my dad, I realized I was about to do that to another kid. Lucy knew she was having a girl and I just kept picturing my daughter as that scared little twelve year old from the funeral. I thought about Jaxyn’s face each time Cathryn and Ryan teased her about her mom and the way she would look so completely defeated every time I intentionally set Dad’s wrath on her. I didn’t want my child to pay for my shortcomings the way Jaxyn had paid for our father’s. I went to Lucy and begged her to forgive me for being so selfish and I’ve spent every day since trying to make up for my stupidity then and thanking God that she gave me another chance. I’ll never be more thankful for anything than I am to have my wife and my daughter.” My throat felt tight with emotion as I watched my brother’s eyes light up when he talked about his wife and daughter. It was exactly how a father’s eyes should look. Bas sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

  “So, a daughter?” Not even he could remain unmoved by Shane’s confession.

  “Yeah. Isabelle.” Then he looked at me. “Isabelle Jaxyn Malloy.” I gasped, shocked at the revelation. It was the first time I’d heard her full name and I was speechless. He named his daughter after me? I finally found my words and asked the only thing I could think of. “Why?” He chuckled lightly at my bewildered state.

  “When I thought about my daughter growing up the way you did and I realized I didn’t want to be the kind of father ours was, I also realized that if she grew up with even half of your strength, she would be alright in life, no matter what. I don’t want to be anything like our dad, but I want my daughter to be like her aunt.” I couldn’t believe he thought that, I was anything but strong.