When the bus pulled into the market place after nine that night, Jake and Bas were waiting for us with the truck that stayed on the property for hauling the boat. I was grateful not to have to make the ride back, even though it was such a short distance, my legs couldn’t take anymore, not after the run and an entire day exploring on foot.
Vi and I found a plate of steak and potatoes that the guys had grilled earlier, wrapped up for each of us in the kitchen and I was surprised by how hungry I was even after all the seafood followed by the frozen yogurt we treated ourselves to this afternoon.
“When you girls are done you should come out to the hot tub, that’s where the other two are.” Bas told us before stripping out of his hoodie and t-shirt so he was left in just his swimming trunks. Jake followed suit and they both headed out the side door, not before grabbing a case of beer to take with them
It took me all of five minutes to clean my plate, Vi too. Soaking in the hot tub sounded heavenly, just the thing for my sore legs and tired body, but I was reluctant to join them. Not because I wanted to avoid Kyden, but I was unsure of how much awkwardness there would be between us, or if he would just act like it was nothing.
In the end Vi persuaded me to go change out of the dress and get my butt out there. I was glad I did too because the hot water and the jets felt just as amazing as I knew they would, and Kyden acted like nothing was up and barely acknowledged me. He wasn’t rude or cruel, just withdrawn.
I was the first one to call it a night, Bas had caught me resting my eyes twice and I figured it was time to get out before one of them had to carry me out. Upstairs I peeled off my swim shorts and tank top and left them on the bathroom floor while I climbed into the shower and rinsed the chlorine from my skin and hair. I practically fell into bed after toweling off and slipping into pajama bottoms and a t shirt. I groaned when my face hit the pillow and I pulled the covers up to my neck, they smelled like him. Not alcohol or whatever girl he’d had buried himself in, just his body wash, which I knew because I’d already sniffed out his shower products, and that light scent that was just him.
I wanted to tear them off the bed and burn them, but that might have been a tad overdramatic. Instead I tore them off, piled them in the corner of the room and remade the bed with the spare bedding from the closet. Once the smell of him was no longer invading my nose I drifted off to sleep, a much more restful sleep than the night before.
Chapter 20
“Jazz, you ready? We’re leaving in five.” Bas yelled up to my room.
“Yeah, I’ll be down in just a minute.” I hollered back. I finished up my make up with a coat of mascara and took a final look in the mirror. Dark blue Captain America tank with faded blue denim cut off shorts, simple makeup, not overdone and hair pulled into a side braid over my shoulder, I called it good, turned out the light and slipped into my red flip flops.
Bas was waiting at the bottom of the stairs in cargo shorts a blue v-neck and his red BU baseball cap. “Ready to celebrate the independence of this fine nation?”
“Why yes I am sir, lead me to the fried food, cotton candy and carnival games.” I playfully demanded. I was feeling upbeat and looking forward to the Fourth of July festivities.
The band was already there unloading and setting up equipment, Danny and Marcus with them. I hadn’t seen any of them since yesterday evening. When Ace and the others got back they decided to go out to one of the local bars. I was in bed before they got home, and they were already gone when I woke up this morning. Kyden hadn’t tried to sleep in my room since the day he passed out in there drunk. I still wasn’t sure how to be around him. We’d hardly spoken or interacted at all since the hot tub. I wasn’t going out of my way to avoid him, but I didn’t know what to say or how not to make it awkward. It was entirely possible that he was avoiding me, and if that’s how he wanted it, then I would follow his lead.
I was confident that most of the anxiety and distress I’d felt over Kyden was due to my emotions running on high from reliving my nightmare and sharing so much of myself with him. I’d let my emotions get away from me, but after a couple of days I felt more like myself and I was determined not to let it happen again. Sometimes though, all the determination in the world means very little as I would find out later that day.
“Come on Bas, you promised to win me that giant stuffed monkey. I want to see you keep that promise.” I goaded him after he missed, just barely, in his first attempt at one of those rigged carnival games. Five minutes later, after his second try, I walked away grinning and clutching my prize in my arms.
“You realize the amount of money I spent on tickets to win that stupid thing could have bought you two of them?” He asked.
“That is not the point. I wanted mine won.” Pleased with myself and my new aviator wearing monkey, I headed in the direction of the stage. I felt something small land in my hair. I stopped and turned in time to catch Bas launching bits of popcorn like projectiles. I reached out to snatch the bag of popcorn from his hand but in a moment that happened so fast I couldn’t stop it, Bas leaned forward and used my outstretched hand to yank me forward right over his shoulder.
“Bas, put me down. Right now. You’re not funny.”
“Actually I think I am.” It was his turn to be pleased with himself and he clearly was. I however, was not amused. Much. I tried to swing the monkey up to hit him in the back of the head, but I’m pretty certain I just looked like a flailing lunatic, yelling laughing and swinging a stuffed monkey that I’d named Goose.
“Nice monkey you got there.” I heard Spade’s voice and from the number of feet I could see around us I knew we had to be close to the stage.
“Thanks.” I replied even though I couldn’t turn to look at him because Bas still hadn’t released me.
“Wasn’t talking to you Rainbow.” I opened my mouth, ready with a sarcastic comeback of my own but instead I let out a high pitched squeal after an unexpected swat landed on my behind. I almost jerked right out of Bas’ grip and onto the ground.
“Thanks man, I’m pretty fond of her even though she’s a little odd and smells kinda funny.” That time I succeeded in smacking him upside the head with the stuffed animal and I finally wriggled loose and slid back down to my feet. “Ow. She’s kinda violent too.” They laughed and I knew Bas was just trying to get a rise out of me, but I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. I looked around to see if I could spot Vi, or one of my more mature friends. Then I remembered I don’t have any mature friends.
Vi and Jake weren’t at the stage yet, but Ace, Chris, Danny and Marcus were up there moving cords and mics around. I didn’t see Kyden. I hopped up onto the stage and sat with my legs dangling over the edge and Goose in my lap while ignored the two boneheads and waited for Vi.
“These guys bothering you beautiful?” I grinned and Ace sat down beside me, hanging his legs off the stage next to mine.
“As a matter of fact they are.” I narrowed my eyes and shot the nastiest glare I could at the two who just smirked.
“Should I call security to escort them out?” Ace asked in his most serious voice. Approaching giggles caught my attention and I looked over my left shoulder to see Kyden strolling up to the stage with a beer in one hand, a blonde on his right and a brunette on his left. His eyes met mine for a fraction of second before he shoved his tongue down the brunettes throat while his free hand roamed all over her body. Afterward it was the blondes turn. I don’t know why I watched, it just made me sick. The whole scene was revolting. Kyden finally pulled his face away and with a smack on her rear he jumped up on the stage, chugged the last of the beer in his hand, then picked up his guitar and started messing with it.
Ace let out a frustrated sigh beside me and then Spade and Bas came over to stand in front of us. “How long has he been at it?” Bas asked.
“I think he started at breakfast.” Ace answered. I guessed they were referring to the alcohol, but for all I knew they meant the girls, or both.
“I don’t know h
ow many he’s had since we got here, but it’s been like that all day.” Spade tipped his head to indicate the two girls who were still standing at the end of the stage, giving Kyden slutty eyes.
“Will he be able to play drunk?” I imagined they were getting paid for this gig, and probably decently. Whatever was going on with Kyden could potentially mess things up for the rest of them.
“Yeah, he’ll be able to play just fine. I just hope no assholes even look at him wrong tonight because he’s definitely in the mood to rip someone apart. The last thing we need is another fight.” I looked at Spade in confusion.
“Another fight?” He looked away, not wanting to meet my eyes. None of them did in fact. They all had guilty expressions and I knew they were keeping something from me. “What is it? Just tell me.”
“Nothing Rainbow. He’s just in a bad place right now and there was a bit of a scuffle at the bar last night, but you don’t need to worry about it.”
“Obviously I do. You guys wouldn’t have kept it from me if you didn’t think it concerned me.” My frustration was palpable. I could put up with the silent treatment and all the uncomfortable looks, even the girls, but booze and fighting?
“We didn’t want you to worry about it. He’s just dealing with his shit and we’re trying to be understanding.” Ace explained, but I didn’t want to hear it.
“Maybe he should just grow up and learn to control his temper. Being drunk and pissed off isn’t a good excuse to get into a fight.” I spit out like the word ‘fight’ left a bitter taste in my mouth. I was so sick of guys who wouldn’t evolve past the Neanderthal stage and thought everything could be solved by clubbing someone.
“Jazz, I’m sorry but this time you don’t know what you’re saying. It might not be right, what he’s doing, but it is understandable.” Bas defended. “I don’t blame him for wanting to let loose on someone.” Great, now Bas was going to encourage it?
“I don’t care. It’s not an excuse. He’s like a damn six year old acting out and throwing a tantrum.”
“Hey, you talking about me?” Kyden’s voice was the final straw and I snapped. I stood and turned to face him down, not intimidated by the scathing look he sent my way. I marched right over and got in his face. “You got something to say?” His condescending tone just added fuel to my already blazing anger.
“What is your problem?”
“You want to be a little more specific Princess?” That word came out like a sneer. “There’s so many ways I could answer that.” He looked me up and down and I was actually taken aback by the disgust on his face.
“Hey man, don’t.” Spade said. Bas and Ace were at his side and the other guys had stopped what they were doing to watch us intently. Bas put his hand on my shoulder, but I just shrugged it off.
“No, go ahead and answer. Tell me whatever it is you’re dying to get out.” I pushed and he pushed back.
“Why? So you can shut down and hide behind your boy here,” he gestured at Bas. “While you bottle everything up inside and pretend you’re not a complete wreck? Sorry if that’s not how all of us handle our shit.”
“Ky. What the hell man? You’ve been a drunk asshole all week, and we haven’t said anything, but you’re going too far.” Ace warned.
“You listen to her fucked up shit for five minutes and then tell me you don’t need a drink or six.” He scoffed. I lost it, I was so mad I expected steam to come out of my ears.
“You think you know me? You think you have some deep insight into my life because I told you that stuff? You don’t know anything. You don’t know what it’s like to still wake up drenched in sweat trying to fight for your life after three years. You have no idea how it feels like to see a monster in the mirror, to have his eyes, to have any part of him.” I didn’t care who was hearing this. I was just so tired of everyone else getting to react, while I tried to keep my cool. For once I wanted to say what I felt when I felt it without holding back, so that’s what I did.
“You don’t think I get pissed off, that I don’t want to hurt them? Drowning in in alcohol, putting my fist in someone’s face, is that what’s going to make it all better?” I took a couple steps forward so my face was only inches away from his and I lowered my voice so he was the only one who could hear me.
“Is that going to help me forget that I was almost raped and killed? Will that take away the pain of having my father laugh at me like some silly child when I tried to tell him about it? Do the booze, fighting and meaningless sex have the answers? Will they tell me why I didn’t deserve to be loved or cherished or protected? Will they fix all my problems? How’s it working for you? I’m not the only screwed up one.” His face was expressionless, the smug grin finally wiped away, but it wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be.
I stepped back and, without giving him another look, I turned and walked off the stage. I wasn’t angry anymore. I didn’t know what I was, except that I had no desire to stay there. I was no longer in the mood for any celebrating and I especially didn’t want to watch Kyden up on that stage doing his thing.
“Hey, slow down Jazz.” I didn’t. “Come on, just stop for a second and talk to me.” His hand gripped my shoulder and stopped me in my tracks. I turned around and met his worried eyes.
“Bas really, not now. I don’t feel like talking about my feelings.”
“Okay, but where are you going?”
“Back to the house. I don’t want to be here.” I sighed.
“Okay then we’ll both go back.”
“No we won’t. You’re staying here. You love this and you look forward to the fireworks all year, at least you used to. I promise I’m not going to have a breakdown, I’m just a little worked up and I don’t want to be around him, or really anyone right now.”
“You want to tell me what you said to him back there at the end?”
“Nope.”
“You’re really going to be this stubborn and not let me go with you?” I smiled and he sighed knowing he wouldn’t be able to change my mind.
“Fine but call me when you get back and you are going to lock every single door and window and you will keep your cell phone on you at all times so that I can call you every four and a half minutes.”
“Really, four and a half?” He grinned down at me.
“You will just have to deal with it if you want me to let you go back alone.” I rolled my eyes but in the end I agreed he could call and text to check on me as often as he wanted.
I sent him a text the second I walked in the front door and assured him I locked up and set the alarm behind me.
I was still a little on edge from the confrontation with Kyden, I’d had plenty of time to stew in it on the bus ride back. In the moment it felt good to take him down a notch. Now it didn’t feel so good, it didn’t make anything hurt less and I was still on this roller coaster ride of emotions, and it wasn’t one of those kiddie rides either. No it was one that takes you up two hundred feet and then drops you down into a blitz of twists, turns, corkscrews and loops. Then just when you think the ride is about to come to an end, they send you around to do it all over again.
I was exhausted from it, from caring what he thought. I don’t know why I ever believed he mattered enough to worry about it. I saw this coming, but had hoped I was wrong, that I had misjudged him. Instead he proved me right. I didn’t need him though. I needed Bas and Vi. I needed Sadie, Chris, and Shane. At this point I might even throw Ace into that mix, but in no way did I need Kyden.
The cut of his words was replaced by an even deeper resolve to clear my head of him. He did me a favor, or so I told myself over and over. After all, as he so eloquently put it, I had a lot of effed up stuff in my life and I didn’t need him adding to it. If he didn’t even want friendship, then fine!
I threw on comfy sweatpants, a tank top and wasted the day watching clichéd Lifetime movies until I was actually embarrassed at the amount of time I lost to the backstabbing housewives, pregnant teens and mystery murderers.<
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True to his word, Bas called and texted regularly. Not every four and a half minutes, thankfully. After the fifth time and I was still watching Lifetime movies I lied and said I was practicing yoga, but he just laughed and told me to turn the movie off, warning me that too much Lifetime would rot my brain. I should’ve gone with something more convincing, like baking. He was right though, if I didn’t pry myself away from the TV I was going to digress into one of those troubled young girls that goes off the deep end.
I decided to take on the baking idea and made a huge batch of chocolate chip cookies and banana blueberry muffins. I think more flour made it onto my body and in my hair than it did into the actual batters. For some reason, okay not just some reason, I was especially flustered and I took it out on the bag of flour. By the time I cleaned up the powdery mess spread all over the kitchen, I was past the point of exhaustion.
It was after midnight, but I knew fireworks would be going off steadily for at least another hour. As tired as I was I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep with all the noise. I decided instead to run myself a hot bubble bath. I had been looking forward to taking advantage of the luxurious jetted tub in our, I mean my, bathroom.
I sunk down beneath the bubbles and let the stress ease out of my muscles. Getting so worked up had taken its toll on my body physically as well. I felt the tension leave my body as the heat spread throughout it. There was almost nothing more relaxing and soothing than soaking in a hot bath.
By the time I drug my weary limbs from the tub, the bubbles had long past dissipated and the water was barely lukewarm, but it had done its job and there was no way any amount of fireworks or commotion would be keeping me awake. I think I was asleep on my feet before I even made it back to the bed and laid down. By the time my head hit the pillow I was already well on my way to the deepest stages of sleep.
I had the sweetest dream that, sometime in the middle of the night, a hard, warm body climbed into the bed next to me and pulled me into him. My body curled perfectly into his. When he pressed a kiss to the back of my shoulder, the cold metal of his lip ring against my warm skin, sent a shiver down my back. He tucked his arm around my waist and his thumb traced slow circles on my stomach while he continued to trail light kisses all the way up my shoulder. Mmm. That feels so good. And so real. If I didn’t know without a doubt that it wasn’t possible, I would’ve sworn Kyden really was in the bed next to me.
Finding Ever After Page 21