At ten the rest of the group came back, but Kyden still hadn’t showed up. I walked in on Ace, Chris, Bas and Spade discussing where they thought he might be. Chris and Ace had tried calling and texting him but their calls were ignored, but they had some ideas about what he might be up to. When they saw me, the conversation halted abruptly, but it didn’t matter I had already heard enough. It seemed that Kyden’s MO in difficult situations was to get a little drunk and have a lot of sex and they all thought this was one of those situations. I felt like I was going to be sick. My face must have showed as much because Bas was immediately in front of me, grabbing my arm and leading me out of the kitchen.
“You heard all that?”
“I heard enough.” I answered. I wished I could un-hear it, but it wasn’t like those same thoughts hadn’t already crossed my mind. I just wanted to be wrong, but hearing the guys voice their theories as well, made it more difficult to deny that Kyden was probably with some other girl right now.
“I’m sorry. It’s possible he’s just riding around on his bike to blow off steam.”
“But that’s not how he usually blows off steam?” He shook his head and I took a deep breath and ran my fingers through my hair before letting it out. “Doesn’t matter anyway. He can do whatever he wants. I don’t’ care.” Liar
“Yeah you do.” Bas sighed. “Remember this is me you’re talking to. I know you, and I know you’re hurting more than you let on. How much did you tell him?”
“Everything.”
“I figured as much. He was pretty bent when he came back in the house afterward. Look, I can relate to how he’s probably feeling. It still tears me up inside every damn day Jazz and he’s not used to caring so much about someone, at least not a girl. We don’t know where he actually is or what he’s doing. Just wait until he gets back and talk to him.”
“Maybe I don’t want to talk to him.” More lies. Bas was right. I was hurt and I needed to protect myself. “Like I said in the beginning, he’s the last thing I want. He’s not good for me. I only just met him two weeks ago and already he’s turning me inside out. I don’t even know who he is. There are so many sides to him and most of them scare me. I’ve dealt with enough temperamental jerks to last me forever. I don’t need any more bad boys screwing with my life.” That, at least, was the truth.
“There’s a difference between bad boys and bad guys Jax.” Vi’s voice chimed in. She was standing just a few feet from us in the doorway. I don’t how long she’d been there, but obviously long enough to overhear the last part.
“Connor, is a bad guy. Your dad is a bad guy. Bad guys are selfish and all they do is take and take until you’re left empty. But a bad boy challenges you and gets you to live daringly and take risks. He pushes you beyond what’s comfortable and safe into something exciting and new. It will force you to truly embrace life instead of settling for complacency.”
There it was, that word, settling; the thing I promised my mother I wouldn’t do. Was I doing it now? I didn’t think I was settling. I just wasn’t putting my heart out there for Ky to smash into pieces.
“We’re too different. Our worlds don’t even exist in the same universe. Despite everything, I’m still the little girl hoping for forever, and he’s not the forever type. I’m already damaged enough, like a cracked vase and he’s the type that would completely shatter me. I believe in loving one person your whole life and he lives his life carefree and loose, sleeping with as many people as he can. He’s all about music and sex and-”
“And you.” She finished for me, but that definitely hadn’t been what I was going to say. “Lately he is also all about you, but you’re the only one who doesn’t see it. I don’t care how much he thinks he doesn’t want a relationship, or that he says he can’t give you anything beyond a casual hookup. Whether either of you realize it or not, he’s already given you more that that. I’m not saying you have to compromise your beliefs, but just maybe open yourself up to something more. Maybe you can hold on to your morals and self-respect and still have him. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll change along the way too. You might be what each other need.”
That sounded nice and straight out of one of my romance novels, but this wasn’t a book. This wasn’t some story that was guaranteed to work out. It was my life, and sometimes in real life the bad boys don’t change; they turn into the bad guys. Someone only changes if they want to and Kyden didn’t appear to want to. I wasn’t going to delude myself into I was special.
“What I need is to go to bed.” I was done with this conversation. I didn’t want to hear any more about how good Kyden and I could be for each other, because it just wasn’t true and it wouldn’t do me any good to let myself believe it. I left the two of them standing in the kitchen, with their arguments, that I didn’t care to listen to. I said goodnight to Ace and the rest of the guys on the way up to mine and Kyden’s room, except it was probably just my room now. I didn’t think I had to worry about sharing anymore, or maybe he would expect me to change rooms. Oh God, what if he brings a girl back here tonight?
I don’t think I would be able to bear that. What if they were loud and I could hear them, or worse what if he brought her up to the bed because he didn’t expect me to be in it. What would I do if I went down in the morning and some slut was on the couch wrapped around him? I had to stop myself right there. You don’t even know that he’s with a girl, and he probably wouldn’t bring anyone back here.
Unfortunately the images and thoughts still ran wild through my brain. Having taken such a long nap I wasn’t truly tired, but emotionally I was beyond exhausted. I slipped the Kiera Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice into the DVD player and curled up in the bed. Even though I couldn’t get through the book, it was still my feel good story.
Sometimes, well usually only after having read or watched anything Jane Austen, I wished that I lived in that time period. Then I would think about hygiene and women’s rights and change my mind. But the idea of wearing beautiful gowns, going to fancy balls, letters written long hand and being courted by a gentleman was just fairy tale enough to make my inner little girl want to do cartwheels right into a time machine. Realistically if I tried to do cartwheels I would end up face planting the ground.
The movie ended well after midnight and I shut the TV off and closed my eyes, but a stroll through a field of poppies in Oz wouldn’t have helped me find sleep. I tossed and turned all night long, unable to quiet my mind. So many things were weighing on it and they kept me up into early hours of the morning.
Chapter 19
After my restless night of sleep, I didn’t climb out of bed until eleven. I was frustrated and still thinking about the night before. I threw on a pair of cotton shorts and a sleeveless tee over my sports bra. I laced up my running shoes and headed down the stairs. I resolved not to spend what was left of the day, moping, complaining or being angry and bitter about my present circumstances. I refused to let my happiness depend on a guy, especially one who only twisted me up and introduced me to a side of myself I wasn’t particularly fond of.
I was not this jealous, clingy and irrational girl. At least not until Kyden and I was done with feeling so out of control. There were a lot of things in my life that I couldn’t fix. I would just have to have faith that I would get through them and come out stronger on the other side. The way I’d been letting Kyden mess with my head wasn’t one of those things. I could absolutely do something about that. I hoped, anyway.
I couldn’t turn off my feelings but I could stop obsessing over them. A good run along the water would clear my head and make my body feel good which was a start to making the rest of me feel good.
I sliced off a piece of banana bread for breakfast and popped a couple grapes in my mouth on my way out the door. I slid my headphones into place and passed Vi, who was in the living room reading. She just gave me a wave as I left. I didn’t know who else was up, but I heard at least a few of them out by the pool when I took off toward the water at a slow jog. I
noticed Spade’s car was gone and remembered that a few of them had to be back in Boston this morning for work, they’d be back tomorrow evening.
I made it about two and a half miles down the road before I turned and headed back. When I was within a couple hundred yards of the house I slowed down to a walk. I was winded and feeling the burn in my calves. I was surprised I even made it that far, I expected myself to be much more out of shape.
Bas, Chris, Jake and Danny were down on the boat launch near the dock launching The Violettete, a catamaran cruiser Vi’s parents named for her. When Bas looked up and saw me, he handed off his rope to Chris and started walking toward me. I stopped in the driveway and did some stretches while I waited for him to reach me.
“Have a good run?” He asked.
“Yeah.” I answered and I meant it. Even though I was beat and would definitely be feeling sore for a day or two, it was a good feeling. It was a pain I could manage. “I made it about five miles.”
“Weak.” He grinned and I would have hit him if it didn’t take so much effort.
“Shut up, it’s been a while.” He laughed but then his smile shifted into a more serious expression.
“You feel okay this morning, or I guess afternoon? You slept most of the morning away.” I let out a deep breath and stood up straight.
“I didn’t sleep well, but I’m good now. Really. The run helped me get out a lot of the frustration and-” I was cut off by the sounds of a motorcycle coming up the road. We both turned to see Kyden pull his bike into the driveway.
He looked like I felt, worn out. I’d hoped he had just gone back to Boston but that obviously wasn’t the case. He’d slept somewhere though. I wouldn’t let myself care though. He was who he was and I was over it. Or at least I was going to be. He strode right past us and disappeared through the front door, looking disheveled and very hung over.
I turned my attention back to Bas who just shook his head. “I really thought he wouldn’t pull this shit with you. I’m sorry. When I saw how much you affected him, I really thought he was changing, that you could get to him and maybe … I don’t know, but I was wrong. He’s still got a long way to go. I wouldn’t have pushed you into a room with him if I thought this was how things would play out.”
“I knew you were trying something.” This time I did punch him in the arm for the set-up.
“Oww. Shit I said I was sorry. You really do pack a meaner punch than you used to Jazz.” He said rubbing his arm where I hit him. I just smirked. “Do you want me to tell him he needs to leave?”
“No. It’s not a big deal. He can stay. Really he hasn’t done anything I shouldn’t have expected. He was never accountable to me and he doesn’t owe me anything. He’s done enough for me that I do owe him a little tolerance at the very least.”
“How very understanding of you.” Bas said skeptically.
“Like I said, the run was good for me.”
Chris hollered for Bas. They had the boat completely in the water and were waiting on him. “We’re taking her out, want to come with? The water is perfect for it today and Danny’s never been out.”
“I need a shower. Then I think I’ll just see what Vi is up to, but you guys have fun and be safe out there.”
“Always are, Jazz.” He smiled and jogged off to join the guys waiting on the dock.
Vi was, unsurprisingly, at the coffee pot refilling her cup when I walked into the kitchen. She turned and watched me go straight to the fridge to fill my own glass with ice water. I downed the entire cup before filling it again and then leaning against the counter to face her.
“You see him?” She asked and took a sip from her cup.
“Yep.” I replied disinterested.
“And?”
“And what Vi? I saw him. He looked like sex and smelled like booze, but we already knew what he was up to last night and it is what it is. He’s a big boy and can do what he wants.” I kept my voice low in case he was anywhere around. “Like I told Bas when he grilled me ten minutes ago, I had a lot of time to think last night and this morning on my run. I’m not wasting any more time trying to read into every little thing he says and does and hoping it means something more. It’s better for both of us if we stick to our agreement to keep things uncomplicated.”
“Okay. I get it. I won’t bring it up anymore. I just want to see you happy, both of you if that’s not too much to ask.”
“I know, but I don’t need a guy to be happy, and if yesterday is any indication I certainly don’t make him happy.” A bitter laugh left my lips and Vi just rolled her eyes.
“You make him crazy. You both make each other crazy.” It was my turn to roll my eyes. That was about to change. I was done with crazy. I’d had enough crazy to last five people a life time.
“I need a shower and then if you want to do something, I’m up for whatever, as long as it doesn’t involve talking about guys.”
“Oooh. Okay.” She said excitedly. “I’ll leave my car here for the guys and we can catch the bus into Hyannis and walk around Main Street. I know you like checking out the art galleries and shops there and then we can get pedicures.” I was confident that by the time I got out of the shower she would have our entire day mapped out down to bathroom breaks, which was fine with me.
I climbed both flights of stairs up to my room. I was looking forward to the hot spray of the shower over my sore muscles. I shoved open the door, stepped into the room and walked toward the dresser where I had my things stowed. I froze half way there, then turned around and walked right back out of the room.
Kyden was passed out on the bed sleeping off his late night activities no doubt. The last thing I wanted to do was disturb his sleep and have to face him in that state. No thank you. I went back downstairs and poked my head into the kitchen.
“Hey Vi, I’m gonna use the shower in your room, and can I borrow something to wear? Goldilocks is in my bed and I really don’t want to wake him up by going in there again.”
“Yeah sure. My shampoo and all that is in the shower, help yourself to whatever.”
I climbed out of the shower and dried off, then went to rummage through Vi’s closet. The sun was shining but the breeze was a little stronger today so I grabbed a navy blue dress that would flow loosely down to my knees and a cream colored knit sweater to wear over it.
My size seven feet were a little smaller than Vi’s, but I found a pair of navy blue flip flops that worked. I braided my damp hair over my right shoulder and slipped the cross necklace that was my mom’s back around my neck before going downstairs to see if Vi was ready.
We took two bicycles out of the garage and rode them the two miles into the Marstons Mills Marketplace and waited for the one thirty bus that would take us into Hyannis. We loaded the bikes onto the bike rack and found a pair of seats near the back of the bus. Vi slid into the window seat and we both slipped headphones in. While she watched the short trip pass by out the window, I took the opportunity to observe the people around me. The bus was pretty crowded with groups of all ages.
I don’t know if people watching can be considered a hobby, but if so, it’s one of mine. I was pretty good at reading most people too. Probably because being able to discern someone’s intent was vital to surviving life at my father’s. Not that it really saved me in the end.
A couple rows ahead of us on the opposite side was a family of four, I could tell they were probably first time tourists from the way they eagerly watched out their windows, pointing and commenting on everything they saw. In front of them the seats transitioned into the benches that faced the aisle instead of forward. There was a group around my age, three girls and four guys who all appeared to be together. A pretty red head seated at the end nearest the middle of the bus, kept sneaking glances at a sandy haired guy a three people down from her. If I could use just one word to describe her face it would be longing. I also noticed that the sandy haired guy, who slightly resembled Taylor Kitsch, was seriously into the blonde sitting next to him. Isn’t tha
t how it always goes.
For the rest of the ride I watched the red head watch Taylor and blondie flirt shamelessly. Red became more and more dejected but I don’t think any of her other friends noticed, or at least they pretended not to.
When the bus pulled into the Hyannis depot everyone disembarked and I silently wished red luck as I watched her group disappear. The streets were packed with vacationers enjoying the summer festivities around the cape. We locked our bikes up outside the transportation center and spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying all the area had to offer during the summer.
My favorite was of course one little art gallery that featured all local artists. I could have easily spent an hour in there, but Vi insisted we leave after half that. I didn’t protest because there really was so much to see and do. We wouldn’t have time for it all if we didn’t move on. Walking out of the gallery I thought about my interview on Friday and how much I was anticipating the opportunity to get back into the art world.
We continued our trek through the streets, taking in all of the sights and sounds. We stopped and tossed a few bills in a street busker’s case. H was working the crowd around him with a Bruno Mars song on his guitar.
I’ll admit that we also admired a few tanned chests on some of the shirtless guys wandering around, but it was the smells that really got us. With all of the walking, we had both worked up appetites and there were so many flavors wafting through the air, coming from the cotton candy carts, pizza vendors and several cafes and restaurants we passed.
Vi wanted to grab a late lunch at her favorite sea food shack a few blocks away. On our way there she begged me to ride on the carousel with her, so we stood in line with all and spent five bucks to ride around for three minutes on a unicorn that went up and down while the carousel twirled. It was silly and ridiculous and we both loved it, and documented it with a picture on my phone. I sent it to Bas with a message that said we were going to have lunch and wouldn’t be back until later in the evening.
Finding Ever After Page 20