We decided to take our little four person party to the deck out back, away from the drinking game going on in the kitchen and the girls fawning all over Spade and his guitar in the living room. Lissa was already a little tipsy and giggly so the fresh air would do her good. On our way out the back door we bumped into Kyden and Kaylie coming inside.
The butterflies and jealousy hit me full force and I couldn’t stop it. I felt his eyes on me as we passed by them, but I didn’t look up to meet his gaze. The two of them together was the reminder I needed after a week of having him to myself. He wasn’t mine. He couldn’t be mine. I followed the girls out the door and brushed the run in aside. Vi didn’t say anything but she kept sneaking glances in my direction.
Twenty minutes later I needed to use the bathroom and got up to go inside. Kaylie was standing just outside the bathroom door, but this time she was alone. I almost turned around but decided I wouldn’t give her that much power.
“You know, you can move in here and play this damsel in distress to get his attention, but it’s not going to take long for him to see you for what you are, just pathetic. It’s sad really, that you think he’d even want you.”
“It’s even sadder that you keep coming back for more and acting like a jealous girlfriend, but last time I checked you were just one of many girls, so clearly I’m not the only one he doesn’t want.” Hatred and pain flashed in her eyes but it quickly turned to anger and she didn’t back down.
“Except it’s not going to be some other girl in his bed tonight.” She gloated. “You might want to sleep somewhere else tonight. Kyden gets pretty wild and we tend to be loud. Wouldn’t want you to have to hear that.”
“You expect me to be jealous that you’re his sex toy? Sorry, go wave your slut flag elsewhere. Someone in the kitchen might actually care.” I meant it too, I really didn’t care anymore. She could say whatever she wanted. It didn’t matter, I was done listening.
By that time I had forgotten why I was even standing there. I turned to go back outside and heard her storm off in a huff behind me. That was one of the meanest things I’d ever said to anyone and I might have felt bad if I wasn’t so hurt myself. I couldn’t deny that tight feeling in my chest at having her throw their physical relationship in my face. Not because I wanted it. That’s what I finally realized during our little encounter. I didn’t need to be jealous of her. She didn’t actually have anything I wanted. All she had was his body. What I wanted so badly was the one thing he wasn’t willing to give. His heart. That’s the reason my own was hurting.
“You okay?” I hadn’t realized that anyone had witnessed our verbal sparring match, but Ace was standing there, having overheard us once again.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You should tell him.” I started to protest, but he stopped me. “I know he’s an ass but he wouldn’t let her treat you like that. She might be in his bed, but it doesn’t mean he’d choose her.” Doesn’t mean he wouldn’t either. I would be better off just avoiding her from now on.
“I can handle her. I shouldn’t have even let her get to me. She and Kyden are, well, whatever they are. Kyden and I aren’t anything.”
“Do you even believe yourself?” He asked.
“No, but I’m hoping if I say it enough, I’ll start to.” I confessed. “I know I’m pretty lame, falling for the bad boy. Could I be any more cliché?”
“You’re not lame. In the beginning I would have said it was a bad idea, but there is something between you two. He cares more than he’ll admit. I’m not saying that to encourage you, because I don’t want you to get hurt, but I think if there was ever a girl he would do anything to avoid hurting, it’d be you. I think that’s why she’s here. He’s trying to push you away and using her to do it, but if you really want him, you could take him. We all see it, and she knows it as well. You just have to decide what you’re going to do about it.” Nothing, because even if I did take him, I didn’t know what it would mean, if it would mean anything. I wouldn’t be her replacement, but I also wouldn’t stay here and let him use her to keep me away, if that’s really what he was doing. I’d find somewhere else to stay.
From the look in Kyden’s eyes when he came around the corner toward us, it needed to be sooner rather than later. He was fuming and his sights were set on me. I tensed up and Ace noticed my reaction. He turned to see what had set me on edge and narrowed his eyes when he saw Kyden gunning for me.
“I know you’re not Kaylie’s biggest fan, but could you keep the jealousy bullshit to yourself. You’ve had a tough week, but did you really need to start shit with her tonight? If you want something from me let’s just go in the bedroom and work it out and leave her the fuck out of it.” Really? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Actually I could, he was a jerk, a complete jerk. I knew it and yet every time he showed his real colors I was caught off guard.
“Are you being serious right now man?” Ace was pissed, and I knew there was no way he wasn’t going to set Kyden straight. So much for handling it myself. Honestly I would have been fine just walking away and letting him believe whatever he wanted. It would actually make it easier for me to distance myself from him, but Ace wasn’t willing to let it go.
“Yes I’m being fucking serious. I’m tired of this hot and cold.” He glared at me. “One minute you’re looking at me like you want to jump my bones and the next you’re acting like you don’t want anything to do with me, but calling everyone who does a slut. I’m done with it. Either let’s just fuck and get it over with, or restrain yourself when it comes to Kaylie.”
“You don’t know what the hell you’re saying Ky. It’s your bitch who needs to be restrained, and if either one of you says one more thing to Jax, I will knock you on your ass.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Kyden looked seriously surprised by Ace’s reaction.
“I don’t know what that skank told you, but she’s the one who attacked Jax, and it wasn’t the first time it’s happened. You should have heard the shit she said about Jaxyn’s mom when you brought her to the house to pick me up that morning. She’s lucky I don’t hit girls.”
“Princess?” I hated that all he had to do was say that one word and my outrage dissipated. The way he said ‘Princess’ made it sound like he cared, but how could he have believed her if that were true? I just stared at my feet, afraid if I looked into his eyes I would lose all of my resolve and just let him walk all over me.
“Look at me.” His tone was demanding and made it clear he wasn’t going to tolerate being ignored. I finally looked up to meet his gaze, and what I saw was slightly startling. His eyes held even more fire and fury than they had moments ago when he was tearing into me. His expression softened slightly when our eyes locked.
“Is it true?” I just shrugged, not sure what he wanted me to say. What difference would it make now if I told him? I was done with all of this. “Why the hell wouldn’t you tell me she was harassing you?”
“Maybe because you’ve been an ass and keep throwing Kaylie in her face. Can you really blame her for not coming to you?” Ace defended me once more.
He cursed under his breath, and then his eyes found mine again. “I didn’t know what she was doing. I thought you really were jealous.” It almost sounded like disappointment in his voice. I tried to search his face but he looked away. It was the first time I’d ever seen him so stripped of his confidence.
“Ky, baby, are you coming?” Kaylie appeared again, looking smug like she knew he came out here to defend her, but as soon as Kyden whipped his head around, her expression changed drastically. She was probably being fixed with that intimidating glare I had gotten a glimpse at not ten minutes ago. “What’s wrong baby?” Her voice wavered.
“What the fuck do you think is wrong baby?” He sneered, not an ounce of affection in his tone.
“What did she say Ky? Is she feeding you more lies trying to get you to feel sorry for her?”
“Shut your fucking mouth. I don’t want to
hear you say one damn word about her.” He stalked toward her and she visibly cowered. “You seriously said shit about her mom? After I told you that she died?” Her lack of response didn’t stop him and he completely shredded her. “That’s low even for you. You’re a spiteful bitch and whatever you think we had is over. I’m done with you and I want you gone, like fucking now.”
It wasn’t pretty to witness him berating her, and when he was done, she was barely holding back tears. She didn’t have any fight left in her at that point. With her shoulders sunk and her head bowed she turned and walked away, not a word or sound other than a choked sob she tried to hide. It wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be. I actually felt sorry for her.
I couldn’t blame her for falling for him, I was guilty of that too, so I also couldn’t blame her for trying to hold onto him. She was spiteful and cruel, but she just had her heart annihilated, and that was more than even she deserved.
I felt awkward standing there, but before I could slip away Kyden turned back to face me. All of the anger had melted away. He let out a deep breath, and ran a hand through his hair, leaving it messy and just the way I liked it. He looked good, really good. That’s not what I should have been thinking in that moment, but I couldn’t help myself.
I was too busy noticing the way the way his hair fell and wondering what it would be like to run my own fingers through it that I failed to notice when Ace slipped away. I was left alone with Kyden, and even though the party was carrying on just down the hall, it felt like we were the only two around.
Fifteen minutes ago I was crushed because he was with Kaylie, ten minutes ago I was mad at him for believing her lies, three minutes ago I was appalled at the way he ripped her apart without hesitation and now? Now I just wanted him to keep looking at me the way he was, like I was the only person who mattered.
“Can we talk?” I just nodded.
“Not here, I don’t want to be interrupted.” I let him take my hand and lead me into his bedroom. When he shut the door behind us my heart rate kicked up, and I knew that after tonight things would be different, I just didn’t know if that was going to be better or worse.
Chapter 30
Neither one of us spoke at first. I stood in the middle of his room, taking it in. It was the first time I had seen the inside and it wasn’t what I’d expected, except for the music paraphernalia all over. There were no posters of naked girls, no clutter or dirty laundry on the floor. It was surprisingly neat, but very masculine. Dark colors, not a lot of furnishings apart from a large, comfy looking, wood frame bed, a nightstand and a dresser.
He had a flat screen mounted on his wall, with yet another Xbox and what appeared to be a pretty nice sound system hooked up as well. There were a couple random band posters, but other than that the walls were bare. I saw a guitar, well actually more than one guitar, but this one, the way it was displayed, gave me the impression is was special. I knew it had to ‘Red’ his other baby, besides his bike. The color may have been a giveaway as well.
There was also a small bookshelf near the TV, loaded with DVDs and books. I was incredibly curious about what he liked to read so I moved closer. Once again, what I saw wasn’t what I expected. They were real books, legitimate, substantial books. I was impressed to see a few classics as well some biographies and then a few fantasy and science fiction. Many of them were on my own bookshelves or e reader.
Kyden just stood next to the bed and watched me peruse all of his belongings. The whole time he was silent, and if I hadn’t been so absorbed in finding out more about him, I probably would have felt uncomfortable having him watch me so intensely. He was the one who asked me in here to talk, so until he started talking, I was going to take advantage of this opportunity and keep satisfying my curiosity.
“I’m sorry Princess.” His words put an end to my perusal. I shifted my attention from his movie collection to where he was standing just inside the room.
“For?” I had no intention of making this easy for him.
“I guess there’s a lot I should be apologizing for.” He ran his hand through his hair again, and I was beginning to realize it was a nervous gesture, but what did he have to be nervous about? For a second I thought he had changed his mind about talking. He just stood there looking away from me, but then he sighed and something changed in him. It was like he made some decision and a weight was lifted off him.
“Princess, I can’t do it anymore.”
“Do what?” I was so lost, but afraid of where this was going. He said out in the hall that he’d had enough.
“Act like there isn’t anything going on here. You and me.”
“We’re friends.” I said hesitantly and he let out a bitter laugh.
“You and I are not friends, not even close. In fact, there hasn’t been a single moment since we met, Princess, that we’ve been friends. If you really believe otherwise, you’re lying to yourself.” I thought I was prepared for the rejection, but nothing could have prepared me for the sting of his words. His dismissal hurt more than I wanted to admit. I felt the moisture building in my eyes. Rather than humiliate myself more by letting him see me cry, I turned to escape while I was still able to hold the tears back, but he reached out and grabbed my hand before I made it two steps.
“Wait, you don’t understand.” I certainly wasn’t going to argue that. I didn‘t understand what was going on. I was foolish enough to think that somehow I really was important to him. After the way he reacted out there and then threw Kaylie out I let myself believe what Ace told me. That wasn’t the case though. We weren’t friends.
He turned me around and before I could ask him to explain anything, his lips were on mine. They were soft and gentle as he kissed me tentatively. His hand caressed my cheek as his mouth moved against mine. The last ounce of my resistance crumbled and I kissed him back. Then just as quickly as it happened, it was over. He pulled away and I was left breathless and wanting more.
“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that Princess. I’ve thought about how your lips would feel and taste a thousand times and I have to say that was even better than I imagined.” His words affected me almost as much as the kiss itself. I think my knees would have given out if he hadn’t been holding onto me. “Just so you know,” he leaned his face in close to mine again. “I plan on doing it again,” his lips feathered over mine once more. “and again.” He punctuated it with another brief kiss.
“I have no objections to that.” My voice was a breathy whisper and he chuckled.
“But not right now.” Yes right now.
“Why not?” I sulked. All I wanted to do for the rest of my life was be kissed by him. The grin that took over his face said he knew exactly what I was thinking, but instead of giving me what I wanted, he released his hold on me and sat down on the bed. He patted the mattress next to him. I frowned but took a seat.
“As much as I would love to spend the rest of the night with you in my arms and our lips pressed together, we need to talk. Believe it or not that is why I brought you in here. I didn’t intend to kiss you silly until after, but I couldn’t help myself when I saw you were about to walk out of here.” Being reminded of how his words had hurt me was enough to clear the fog in my head, left behind by his kisses.
“What did you mean when you said we were never friends?”
“I couldn’t be your friend then and I still can’t, because it’s not enough. It could never be enough with you. I want everything.” My breath caught and my heart thudded in my chest. “I want you to be mine and I’m tired of pretending I don’t. I tried, I did, but there hasn’t been a single second where I didn’t want you. It’s all I’ve been able to think about since you fell into my lap.”
I was struggling to believe what I was hearing. I had imagined him saying those things over and over in my head, but now that it was actually happening, I was both excited and terrified. Did it mean what I wanted it to?
“You said you couldn’t give me what I needed. Yo
u told me you didn’t do relationships.” Oh crap, was he even talking about a relationship? Maybe he just wanted to make out with me and see where it went and now I probably just freaked him out by bringing up a relationship. But he said everything, everything had to be more than that. Didn’t it?
“I know that’s what I said and I know I’ve been an asshole to you. I just didn’t know what to do. You completely turned my life upside down. I loved the partying, the girls, all of it. I was content with everything I had, until you showed up. Everything changed the moment I met you. I couldn’t get that crazy hair and sweet smile of yours out of my head, and your eyes. Those beautiful fucking eyes saw right through me. Then there was your fiery attitude. You told me day one, that my shit wasn’t going to work on you. I think I was toast then. I just didn’t realize it because I’m a stubborn jackass.” I wasn’t going to argue with that.
“I did everything I could to screw with you. I thought it would make everything easier if I could just prove you were like all the other girls and get you to sleep with me. I think I knew all along it wouldn’t work though, you’re not like anyone I’ve ever met.” He leaned his forehead against mine and closed his eyes for a moment. I sat there, unmoving, barely even breathing, until they opened again and he pulled away.
“When I found out what you’d been through, I knew I was no good for you. I promised myself I would back the hell off so I wouldn’t hurt you anymore than you’d already been hurt. I tried to push you away so many times but I can’t keep doing it when all I really want is to keep you in my arms and protect you. I just want you to be mine.”
That’s what I wanted too. So then why was I hesitating to say anything? Why did a part of me still feel like it would be a mistake? For almost two months now, I’d been telling myself it couldn’t work. I tried to talk myself out of my feelings for him, but they wouldn’t go away. I attempted to bury them and that didn’t work either. My heart had been trying to tell me all along what it wanted, but did I only want it because I thought I could never have it?
Finding Ever After Page 29