God please let him pull through. Please. We can’t lose him.
I hadn’t prayed as hard as I did in the following hours, since it was my mom’s life I was begging for. I didn’t know what else to do.
Eventually I sent everyone home, they didn’t need to be stuck there all day, when there probably wouldn’t be any changes for a while. I had to threaten to have Bas forcibly removed before he finally agreed to go home with Lissa. Kyden refused to leave my side though, and I didn’t want him to.
When four o’clock came around Lucy, Ky and I were still sitting in the waiting room watching some talk show on the tv while Izzy looked through a picture book she got from a nurse. None of us had eaten anything in hours and my stomach grumbled. Kyden heard it, but before we could head down to the cafeteria the doctor came back to say that Shane was a little more stable and could have visitors again. He wasn’t awake but they were more optimistic that he would wake up.
Izzy was incredibly anxious to see her daddy and Lucy wanted to be back at his side. I needed the reassurance that he was still there. Kyden offered to go get food for us and bring it to the room.
When we walked in for the second time, it wasn’t the sight of Shane that struck me, but the man standing at his bedside with his back to us. I didn’t need to see his face to know who it was, after all I had already been in the same room as him once today. There was only one man I knew who could look so commanding and impressive even from behind.
He heard us enter the room and turned. I was caught off guard by the fury radiating from him. I’d never seen him look so threatening, but that didn’t deter me from unleashing all of the rage and grief that had been festering since I got the call in his office.
“Get. Out. NOW.” I demanded. “Or I will call security and have you removed. You don’t belong here.”
“How dare you. He’s my son and I have every right-”
“You have no right.” I yelleded, preventing him from speaking another word. “You did this. Are you really so sick that you needed to come see it, or are you just pissed that Connor didn’t finish it?”
Lucy stayed behind me, unmoving and completely silent. I didn’t blame her. If I hadn’t lived with the man all of my teenage years, I would have been petrified of him. I was also too infuriated to cower at his menacing glare. I was confident my look rivaled his own, I wasn’t going to tolerate him being there for one more second.
“You know, daughter, I’m getting awfully tired of your accusations.” He sneered. “I really don’t have enough time in my day to be responsible for every evil deed you want to attribute to me, neither does Connor. But you can be sure I will find out who is responsible for this, and make them pay.” I scoffed.
“I already told you who’s responsible. You can drop the bereaved father act. I know you had a part in it, just like you did when he attacked me.”
“Are we really back on this ridiculous story?” I lost it. I absolutely lost it, right there in the hospital room.
“Does this look like a story to you?” I yanked up my shirt, exposing the jagged pink line that ran up my stomach. I watched all of the color drain out if his face but I kept going. “Is my being cut open and almost bleeding out ridiculous to you?” I fumed. I was so tired of him refusing to acknowledge what I had been through. It was time for him to admit what Connor had done to me, what he had allowed to happen. I dropped my shirt back down, and it seemed to trigger a response in my father.
“Leave us now.” He thundered, and Lucy didn’t hesitate to obey. I heard the door shut behind them, but I didn’t take my eyes off Jack. If I thought he looked menacing before, now he was downright murderous. “Connor did that to you?” His voice was cold and scary calm.
“Like you didn’t already know.” I retorted, confused by his reaction.
“You think I knew about that?” He was genuinely stunned, or at least appeared so.
“Of course you knew, you set it up.” I was less sure of myself now. “I came to you afterward. I told you he hurt me, and you told me to learn my place, to quit being so dramatic and obstinate. You wouldn’t even give me two minutes to explain.”
“I didn’t know he did that. You were always voicing your hatred for him, never gave him a chance. I thought you were being difficult and over exaggerating to get rid of him.” His voice was much softer, it didn’t have the same authority. I almost thought I heard remorse, but that couldn’t be right. He was lying. He had to be lying.
“Of course I hated him. He’s psychotic, and did that look like an over exaggeration to you, or would you like to see the rest of the scars?” Once again, he was visibly shaken by my response.
“There’s more of them?” I heard something in my father’s voice that I never thought I would. It was fear; barely discernable, but I heard it.
“Yeah, there are. It wouldn’t exactly be appropriate for me to start stripping right here, but I’m sure you can use your imagination when I tell you they’re a little bit lower.” He blanched, and I thought for a second he might be sick. I was forced to consider that maybe he was telling the truth. Could he really not know what Connor had planned that night, what he had tried and almost succeeded in doing? Could he actually care?
“Did he …?” He was unable to get the question out any better than Kyden had, but I still knew what he was asking.
“No. Bas stopped him, and his dad stitched me up and taped my broken ribs. That’s why I didn’t come home for two weeks even when you threatened to take my car and ground me for a month.” It wasn’t until he threatened to call the cops and have Bas’ dad arrested for harboring a runaway minor that I finally went back.
I didn’t know how to react to the man in front of me. He wasn’t the domineering tyrant I was used to, he actually looked like he was in pain. As much as I should have relished it, I couldn’t. He looked over at Shane and then back at me
“He knew? That’s why he left?”
“He found out, but he also left for Lucy and Isabelle.”
“Isabelle. That was her in here a moment ago?” I nodded, and he took a deep breath and collected himself. “Connor did this as well?” His eyes were back on Shane’s unconscious form.
“Yes. He’s been harassing me since I came back. He’s the one who had the fire set. He even called me to take credit for it. Shane was going after him to put a stop to it,” I paused. “Because I wouldn’t listen to him and go to you for help.” It was even harder to ignore my part in what had happened to him, now that I was starting to believe that maybe my father really would have done something about it.
“I didn’t give you any reason to believe that I would help you though, did I? You thought that I was behind Connor.” I wasn’t going to argue with him. It was true.
This was the first time in my entire life that he had ever shown an inkling of consideration for me. I was having a hard time processing it all. Then all of the sudden my father took another deep breath and it was like a mask fell over him.
Gone was the vulnerable man I’d gotten a glimpse of. He was Jack Malloy again, former mobster and current billionaire businessman. Always in control. Only I knew that he could be shaken now. I had seen it, caused it even.
“Connor won’t be a problem again.” That was the final acknowledgement I got before he moved toward the door and made to leave. For some reason that ticked me off almost as much as it had to see him here in the first place. I reached out and grabbed his arm as he tried to slip past me.
“That’s it? That’s all I get? You show up here, try to convince me you didn’t know anything about what Connor was doing. Now you tell me not to worry about him and just leave?” I didn’t release my hold.
“You made it perfectly clear I wasn’t welcome here. I’m simply obliging you. What else could you possibly want from me?” He was using that condescending tone with me again, treating me like a petulant child.
“I want to know why?” I pleaded. “What did I ever do to deserve your scorn and the complete and utter di
sregard you’ve shown me all my life? I want to know how it is that you couldn’t see what Connor was really up to? Explain to me why he always mattered more to you than your own flesh and blood. Why you always took his word over mine. I want to know why I wasn’t as important to you as Ryan, or Cathryn or Shane. That’s what I want.” I cried out, finishing my hysterics in time for Kyden to burst through the door, looking ready to throw himself in between me and any threat. He took in my tear streaked face and my father, whose arm I was still gripping and I don’t think he knew what to do. My father just sighed, but he didn’t try to walk away again so I let go.
“Are you okay?” Kyden asked me, his eyes dark and narrowed at Jack. In that moment there was no doubt that I loved him completely and irrevocably. He didn’t care who my father was, one word from me and he would stand against him to protect me from anything. There was no fear or hesitation, only concern and a determination that was absolute.
“She’s fine Mr. McCabe.” I shouldn’t be surprised that he knew who Kyden was, he seemed very up to date on my life. “Contrary to what either of you may believe, I would never actually harm her. Now if you’ll excuse us, we were just finishing up a private discussion.” My father wasn’t used to being disobeyed, except of course by me, so he wasn’t expecting Kyden to refuse him.
“I don’t think so. I’ll be staying.” Kyden moved to my side and fixed my father with that smug grin I was so used to receiving. I would have laughed if I wasn’t so worried about how my dad would react. Surprisingly he didn’t though, at least not in a way I expected.
“Listen son, I think it’s admirable that you want to look after Jaxyn, but this is between me and her.”
“I don’t really give a shit what you think and I’m not leaving her alone. You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t have much faith in your ability to look after her well-being.” As much as I was enjoying seeing someone else stand up to my dad, I knew he wasn’t a patient man and I really didn’t want Kyden to end up paying for it.
“Kyden it’s okay. I’m the one who wants to talk. Can you please just wait outside the door for a minute?” He didn’t want to, but I needed this and I tried to make him see that with the look I gave him. Finally he agreed, but not before making it perfectly clear that he would wait right outside the door and wouldn’t hesitate to come back in if he thought my father was so much as making me uncomfortable.
“I don’t know what you want to hear from me.” My father started once the door shut behind Kyden. “I’ll never be a father to you. I never wanted you to be a part of my life.” He didn’t hold back, but it wasn’t anything I didn’t already know. Even so, hearing it aloud, was like a punch straight to the gut.
“Not for the reasons you think though. It’s never been that you weren’t as important as your siblings. You’re the single most important thing to me.” What? “Which is why I wanted you to be as far away from me as possible. When your mother died, and that became an impossibility, I thought I could make it work, bring you into my house and you would fall into place like your brothers and sister. Instead, what I got was a little girl with the same sweetness and passion as her mother and my eyes and temper. You challenged me at every step, headstrong and unyielding.
“Shane, Ryan and Cathryn are my blood, my responsibility. They have their uses, although your sister’s are few. You though, the moment I found out your mom was pregnant, I wanted something I could never have. I wanted you, like I’d never wanted anything before. I truly loved your mother, but by the time I met her there was no turning back or getting out for me. I was in the life and I didn’t want out. I thrived in it. I never meant to fall in love with her, but you know what she was like. It couldn’t be helped, but where I was going there wasn’t room for love, and there certainly wasn’t a place for someone like her. She was kind and gentle and good. I had her for a short time and that was more than I deserved.
“You’re so much like her that it hurts to look at you. I see the only woman who ever meant anything to me. I couldn’t let myself want any part of that. I didn’t want to remember her and you were a constant reminder. I wanted you to stay out of my way and stay in line, but you’re also too much like me for that to have ever been conceivable. I’d hoped that Connor would be able to reign you in and you would be his responsibility. It would let me off the hook of having to face you every day.” There was so much regret on his face.
“I’ve never apologized, not once in my life, to anyone. Not even to your mother when I broke her heart, because I knew she would be better off.” He looked me right in the eyes. “I am truly sorry that I put you in Connor’s sights, that I enabled him to hurt you. I am sorry that I failed to keep you safe. I won’t ask for your forgiveness because I don’t want it. This is something I will never forgive myself for. He will pay and you will never have to see me again. I won’t interfere with your life in any way. You will be completely free to live it however you choose.”
He turned and left the room without giving me the chance to say anything. I wondered if that really would be the last time I ever saw my father. As soon as he exited the room, Kyden was in front of me, his face etched with concern. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I told him everything my father had said from the moment I walked into the room and found him at Shane’s bedside. Afterward he didn’t say much, I think he knew I was still processing.
Lucy and Izzy came back and we all sat around Shane’s bed and ate the sandwiches Kyden got from the cafeteria. Nothing changed with Shane’s condition and eventually we were kicked out again. We convinced Lucy to come back to the house with us. We didn’t want them to be alone.
They settled into Chris’ room, which he graciously gave up for them, and Kyden and I curled up in his bed. I was laying there facing him while he held my hand in his and traced faint circles over my wrist with his thumb. That’s when he asked me how I was feeling about everything my father had said.
“I don’t know. I’m not sure what I should be feeling.” I confessed. “I was so unwilling to consider that Connor could be going behind my father’s back. I just wanted to hate him so badly. It made it easier to accept the disappointment. Now I don’t know whether I still hate him, or if this changes anything. Regardless, he’s still a terrible father and I just don’t know if I can let that go. I still hold him responsible for Connor.”
“I think you’re entitled to feel however you want, and you don’t have to figure any of it out tonight. You’ve gone through so much in such a short time, it’s going to take time.” There was no magic solution in his words. What helped was having him at my side while I struggled with everything. His understanding and comfort helped to ease some of the ache.
“I can’t say that I know what you’re going through, and I won’t try to tell you how to feel about your father. If you never want to forgive him I understand.”
“I think I need to though, like I won’t ever move past that pain if I don’t. I have this new understanding of him, and he’s not a good man but maybe he’s not evil. I don’t know.” I sighed in frustration. “Even if he wasn’t behind what happened to me, there’s no excuse for some of the things he has done, but I really don’t know him. I don’t know what his life was like, but I know it couldn’t have been good or easy, for him to end up where he did. I think I believe him when he says he loved my Mom, and that he left her for her own good, and as much as I can’t stand how he hurt her, I have to thank him for letting her go. That was actually pretty selfless.” I laughed.
“I never thought I would be able to use that word to describe him. Now he’s willing to let me walk away too. The thought of finally being free and not having to worry about when and how he’s going to screw with my life, not having to be afraid of Connor anymore, is a relief. Is it wrong that my whole life I just wanted my father to care, and now that I found out that he does, sort of, I just want him out of my life?”
“I’m the last person to ask that.” He answered. “I don’t have the healthie
st, or most functional relationship with my parents, but I think anyone in your place would feel the same way.”
Every time he alluded to his own family it only increased my curiosity about his past, but I knew better than to pry before he was ready. I could only hope that eventually he would trust me with that part of himself. In the mean time, I wanted to get away from talk about Jack and there was something that I had been curious about since I first stepped into his room and took notice of all the instruments.
I remembered him telling me that was one of the first instruments he learned was the violin. I didn’t see one anywhere in his room. He had everything else, guitars, basses, a keyboard, but no violin.
“Why don’t you have a violin?” I asked. “I think I’d like to hear you play it someday.” His reaction was unexpected and instantaneous. He stared at me as if I had just asked for his soul. His face looked pained and then without explanation he released my hand like it burned him. He got up and stormed out of the room with a scowl on his face. I was too stunned to move, I had no idea what just happened.
The next thing I heard was the front door slamming and the distinct sound of a motorcycle revving to life. I was at a loss, trying to come up with some explanation for his reaction, but no matter how many times I replayed the situation in my head, nothing made sense. If anything I only became more confused. How could asking about a violin have upset him that much?
Chapter 34
I waited in his room for an hour, confident that it had to be a big misunderstanding. I expected him to walk through the door any second and apologize for taking off. Then we would talk about what had upset him and everything would be alright again.
Finding Ever After Page 32