That didn’t happen. Finally I gave up waiting and tried to call him. It rang twice and then went to voicemail. He didn’t want to talk to me.
I couldn’t wait any longer though. Chris, Spade and Ace were sitting in the living room watching TV when I emerged from Kyden’s room. They all looked up at me. From their expressions it was obvious that they knew something was up. I couldn’t bring myself to speak and almost turned around and retreated back to the bedroom. Tears were welling in my eyes.
“You two have a fight?” Ace asked sympathetically.
“I don’t know. I don’t know what happened.” I mumbled weakly, trying to blink the tears away. “Do you guys know where he went?”
“Sit.” Chris patted the empty spot beside him, and Spade turned down the volume on the TV. The knots in my stomach tightened as I took a seat.
“What exactly happened Rainbow?” I looked at Spade and related how we had been talking about the confrontation with my dad, and how I tried to change the subject by asking him about the violin. As soon as I mentioned the instrument, I saw realization and pity enter their eyes and I wanted to be sick. It wasn’t a misunderstanding. Something about that question, that instrument was the trigger. I had screwed up, significantly. They knew whatever it was I didn’t, and it was bad.
“Will someone please just tell me what’s going on? It doesn’t make any sense to me why he would get so upset over that. I can tell you guys know. Please? What did I do wrong?” I begged.
“You didn’t do anything wrong baby girl. I’m sure you’ve figured out he doesn’t like to open up. You hit on a tough subject for him, but it’s not your fault, and it’s not our story to tell.” Ace’s words didn’t make me feel any better. He said it wasn’t my fault, but unknowingly or not, I had pushed Kyden away.
What if he decided it was too much, that being with me was too much and he wanted out? All because of some stupid question that was supposed to be harmless. I felt like I was losing him before I even really had him. They sensed my panic and tried to reassure me.
“Hey, don’t. It’s going to work out.” Chris soothed. “He needs time to work through his shit and calm down. Then he’ll come back. He cares about you too much not to.” I wanted to, no I needed to, believe his words, but they didn’t provide the comfort they should have, because I didn’t just care about Kyden. I was undeniably and irrevocably in love with him.
In just a few days I had allowed him to infiltrate every part of me. Or maybe it really hadn‘t happened that fast. Maybe it had been happening since the first time he turned those penetrating eyes on me.
Sometime over the last six weeks, I’d let my walls fall down and now he was so completely inside of me, that I didn’t know how I would ever get him out if Chris was wrong. That’s why I had to believe that he wasn’t. The alternative was too devastating to even consider.
Curled up in his bed, I laid awake, staring at my phone waiting for a call or text and desperately hoping to hear the sounds of a motorcycle returning. I never did. At some point I fell asleep still waiting and hoping. My last thought was that I hadn’t even gotten to ask him how the meeting with the record label went.
In the morning I woke up alone, no text messages, no missed calls. I showered, got dressed and ate breakfast, all the while still hoping. Bas came to take Lucy, Izzy and I back to the hospital. Someone must have let him know that Kyden had bailed. I tried one more time to call him, but was ignored just like before. Pathetically I even sent him six different text messages throughout the morning, telling him how sorry I was and pleading with him to talk to me. Not one of my finer moments, but I would have given just about anything to fix it. What did my pride matter?
The day drug by slowly, with me checking my phone every five minutes until Bas finally took it away when we were sitting in the hospital cafeteria. It was just the two of us, Luce and Izzy were with Shane, and we were getting lunch.
“Don’t do this Jazz.” Bas pleaded with me.
“Then what do I do Bas? Tell me what I’m supposed to do to?”
“I don’t know Jazz.” He sighed.
“But you do know why he reacted the way he did. You all know what’s going on. I’m the only one in the dark here and I can’t stand it.”
“Me telling you won’t make anything better. He has to tell you himself. That’s the only way to get past this.”
“What if he doesn’t?” My question was met by Bas’ silence and my heart dropped further. “I love him Bas. I tried not to, but I can’t help it.” I choked out. “I’m scared.”
“I know Jazz. I know.” We finished our cheap meal in silence.
In my head I continued to play the situation over and over, in hopes that I would find an answer, but nothing I came up with explained his extreme reaction, not that I was even able to come up with much. It was just hard to imagine any reason why that subject would make him so angry.
When we returned to Shane’s room my grief turned to joy, for a while at least.
“You’re awake.” I gasped when I walked in and saw Shane sitting up with Izzy in his lap. Kyden was pushed to the back of my mind and nothing could stop the huge smile from spreading across my face. Lucy’s face matched my own and she was sitting in the chair on the far side of his bed with a tight grip on his hand.
“Yeah, it seems there are a few people around here who still need me. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.” This time when the tears came they were happy tears. As carefully as I could without hurting him, I went to his side and hugged him. It quickly turned into a group hug when Izzy wrapped her little arms around both of our necks. As long as the people in this room were okay and with me, nothing else mattered. I would be alright. I had everything I needed. At least that’s what I tried to convince myself over and over in the following days.
The next day passed in the hospital as well. Shane’s body continued to heal, the four of us talked, laughed and complained about the food, while Izzy never left her father’s lap except when forced.
Vi and Jake popped in. Chris and his dad checked on us, and one by one the rest of the guys either called or stopped by. Kyden never did.
I was sure one of the others would have let him know what was going on. Even if they hadn’t, I’d gotten my phone back and sent him another half dozen pathetic text messages, one of which contained the news that Shane woke up and was expected to make a full recovery. Still I got no response. That hurt more than anything. He knew how scared I was that Shane wouldn’t make it. He took care of me while I fell apart that day and told me everything would be okay. Well, he lied. Everything was not okay. I was so far from okay.
I struggled not to let myself dwell on it. I tried to focus on the friends who were there and be thankful that my brother was going to be alright. I was thankful, but none of that took away the ache of missing and wanting the one person who wasn’t there.
When Bas and I were leaving the hospital that evening, I ducked into the bathroom to try and call him one more time without getting pity eyes from Bas. This time I wasn’t sent to voicemail though, it was worse. Much worse. The voice that answered wasn’t Kyden’s, but I definitely recognized it.
“I told you that he would get tired of you and come back to me. You should have listened sweetie.” I didn’t need to hear anything else before hanging up on Kaylie.
I don’t remember leaving the restroom, or following Bas out to his car and getting in. We were half way back to the house before I snapped out of the daze I was in. There was no way I was going back there tonight, to his bed. I pleaded with Bas to let me crash with him and Lissa. Thankfully he agreed. I couldn’t tell him about the phone call yet. I still felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach just thinking about him with her.
All I wanted was to be alone so I could cry myself to sleep. Only, once I was in the spare bedroom of their apartment, the tears just kept coming and didn’t stop. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his arms around h
er, his lips on her body and I wanted to scream. I felt like such a sucker because I never saw it coming. I believed him when he said he said that he had never felt for anyone, what he felt for me. I fell for every touch and kiss, but I should have known that physical intimacy was nothing to him.
I knew he hadn’t purposefully taken advantage of me, or lied about it all. He wasn’t that cruel. I wasn’t that wrong about him. The problem was that he hadn’t cared as much as I thought, he didn’t want it as badly as I believed, or it wouldn’t have been so easy for him to jump from my arms back into hers.
He tried, and when it got hard he ran. I wasn’t enough for him to stay and fight. He warned me up front that he couldn’t make any promises. Yet I had still foolishly opened myself to him without reservation, and made him my everything in all of about two point five seconds. Then just as quickly as it all happened, it ended. If he was my everything and now he was gone, what did that leave me with?
I had my brother, his beautiful wife and daughter. I had my two best friends and a handful of new ones. I was blessed. I knew that, but my heart just didn’t care, when it felt like it was being ripped into a hundred pieces. I was losing a part of myself that I’d only recently discovered and begun to love. The part of myself that came alive when I was with Kyden.
Sleep finally came sometime during the night, but it didn’t last. I woke up to my first phone call from Kyden. Twelve hours ago that’s all I had wanted, and now I wanted to throw my phone against the wall. Let’s see how he likes being sent straight to voicemail. I knew I was being immature, that I needed to face him and get it all over with, but that obstinate nature of mine reared itself and I was determined to make this as difficult for him as possible.
He called eight more times that day and every single time I ignored him. I spent the entire day hiding out in the guest bedroom. Work had given me the entire week off to be with my brother, but I didn’t go back to the hospital. I used the excuse that he still needed a lot of rest and that all of his time should be spent with his wife and daughter. In reality I just didn’t want to drag anyone else into my misery. My brother’s recovery was something that should be celebrated, his hospital room should be a cheerful place and I was a black hole. I called him every day though, and hoped he couldn’t pick up on my mood over the phone.
The next day Kyden’s calls started at seven in the morning. I continued to reject them. I was not able to ignore Bas, however, when he stormed into the room at ten.
“This has got to stop. You need to get your ass out of bed Jazz. I know this sucks but I’m not going to let you keep hiding from the world in here. You won’t get anywhere if you don’t talk to him. I know you’re mad, but I thought that’s what you wanted, and now I’ve got him calling me.”
“He went to Kaylie.” I whispered and Bas’ rant stopped immediately. He looked confused.
“Wait, what?”
“That’s where he was, with Kaylie. The whole time I was waiting around for him, he was with her.”
“Are you sure? Did he tell you that?”
“Sebastian, baby, get out.” Lissa had been standing just outside the room, but now she was next to the bed kicking her boyfriend out of the room.
“Why do I need to leave? I want to talk about this and figure out what’s going on.” He argued.
“I know you do baby, but she doesn’t need to figure anything out right now. She doesn’t need you asking a million questions. You should go see your dad today.”
“Now I have to leave the house?” He asked incredulously. She grabbed his arm and dragged him out into the hall, but I could still hear what she said.
“Sebastian, I know you want to jump right in and fix this and take care of her, but you can’t.” She told him.
“Why the hell not?”
“Because, her heart is broken baby, and as much as you want to, you can’t just fix that. You’re a guy and I know that’s hard for you to understand, but she needs someone to listen and let her cry and she needs mass amounts of ice cream and junk food.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because not too long ago that was me.” He didn’t need any further convincing. I heard him leave the house and I heard Lissa place a call to someone. She came back into the room and climbed up on the bed with me. She didn’t pressure me to talk, and I knew she understood exactly how I was feeling.
We laid there quietly for fifteen minutes before I heard the door open again and Vi came into the room. She laid down on my other side, took my hand in hers and rested her head on my shoulder.
I sobbed quietly for almost half an hour before I ran out of tears to cry. “I know I shouldn’t love him so much, it’s only been a week, but it hurts so much.”
“Oh babe, you were falling for that boy long before you two made it official. Time doesn’t really matter when the heart decides what it wants, and yours has wanted him for a lot longer than a week.” She was right.
“He was being so wonderful. He was sweet and attentive. I thought he really wanted to make it work, but our first fight, that wasn’t even a fight, and he ran straight back to her.”
“That bastard. I knew he was ass but I thought, we all thought he was so different with you. I encouraged you to give him a chance, I actually thought for five seconds that he could be good for you, that he would fight for you. I swear I’m gonna kill him if Bas doesn’t beat me to it.”
“No, I don’t want that. It’s my fault. He told me he didn’t think he could do a relationship. He warned me that he would screw up. I knew he was a therapists dream, with his trust and commitment issues. He’s always jumped form one girl to the next. That doesn’t just go away over night, but I ignored everything I knew. He said he wanted me and that was all it took. This is my fault.”
“This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything-” Lissa was prevented from finishing when the sound of Kyden’s ringtone filled the room. Before I hit ignore though, Vi grabbed it and answered.
“Go back to your whore and leave Jax alone asshole.” She ended the call and tossed it back down on the bed. If I had known that would provoke him into showing up at the apartment ten minutes later I would have tried to stop her. He didn’t even knock, just barged right in demanding to talk.
“Oh hell no. You’ve done enough. You had your chance to talk before you went back to your skank.” Vi wasn’t going to back down, but I could tell neither was he. It was going to get ugly. I needed to face him eventually, I might as well do it now, before one of them killed the other.
“It’s fine Vi. I’ll talk to him.”
“Are you sure?” I nodded.
“We’ll be in the living room if you need anything.” Lissa said before she shut the door behind them. I wondered if they would actually go to the living room or just stand outside the door and listen in.
It was then, with him staring down at me, that I remembered I hadn’t showered in two days and probably had puffy eyes to go along with the messy hair. It helped a little when I noticed that Kyden looked slightly disheveled himself. He had three days’ worth of scruff on his face and there were dark circles under his eyes. The only difference was, he was still beautiful even when he was a mess.
“I know I screwed up taking off like that, but I can explain.”
“I don’t need you to explain. I got the message loud and clear.”
“I’m sorry that I ignored your calls. I just needed time to figure some stuff out. I panicked, and I had to get away.”
“And back to Kaylie, yeah I got it. She was kind enough to let me know when she answered your phone.” I snapped. I didn’t want his excuses. He couldn’t justify or explain away what he did.
“What are you talking about? When did she answer my phone?” Did he really think I was that naïve?
“Wednesday night. I called you, but she answered your phone and told me you were back with her.”
“Fuck.” Yeah, you can’t get out of this one buddy. He ran his hand through his hair and stared down
at his feet for a moment before sitting on the edge of the bed.
“She was there, but I swear Princess I didn’t go to her. I was at Mick’s, crashing on his couch. He had people over and she showed up, but I promise nothing happened. I must have left my phone sitting where she could get it, but I didn’t even speak to her. You can ask Mick or anyone else who was there.” I didn’t know whether to believe him or not. I wanted to, badly, and it was definitely something she would do.
“I promise you Princess. You have every right to be pissed at me, but not for that. I didn’t touch her.” I sighed. He was telling the truth. It didn’t make everything better, but it took some of the hurt away to know that he hadn’t cheated.
“I believe you, but it doesn’t change anything. I still don’t want you here.”
“I know. I just need to tell you something, so you’ll understand that none of this was ever your fault. I owe you that much, and then if you still want me to go I will.” He was offering me the one thing I had been desperately wanting to know since he bailed on me Monday night. The big secret, or whatever it was that set him off, and now I wasn’t so sure I wanted to know. It might explain everything, it could make things right between us, which should have made me eager to hear it, but I was more terrified that it wouldn’t. That he would reveal whatever it was and it wouldn’t change anything. I would still be left angry and heartbroken.
If there was a chance to work things out though, I had to take it, and if I turned him down this time, I probably wouldn’t get the chance ever again. He was lowering a wall and I needed to scale that thing and throw myself over the top while I could.
“Okay.”
Chapter 35
“I hated playing the violin. The first time my mother put one in my hands when I was eight, I wanted to smash it against the wall and shatter it into pieces. The violin instructor my parents hired was a dreadful bitch. I had to deal with her four times a week until I was thirteen. The day she retired to Florida, I wanted to throw a party. Two weeks later my mother found someone to take her place and I stopped hating the violin so much.” He was fidgeting and his hands kept returning to his hair. I’d never seen him look so out of place and uncomfortable. He took a deep breath before continuing.
Finding Ever After Page 33