“He’s not in here, you don’t have to worry.” I hadn’t even tried to be discreet. I saw that Ace and Marcus were both amongst the crowd in the kitchen. Maysie was at Marcus’ side, their hands entwined. I felt a ridiculous pang of jealousy at the site. It wasn’t their fault and I was happy for both of them, but I couldn’t help it.
“I’m really glad you came, Rainbow. If it gets to be too much though, just come find me and I’ll take you away, promise.”
“Or me, baby girl.” Ace came up behind me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. We’re all on your side. It’s pretty unanimous that we think he’s being a dumbass.”
“Thanks guys. I appreciate it, but it’s really not his fault. It’s what’s best for us, it was silly to think we could make it work in the first place. Tonight’s not about that though. It’s about you guys, and don’t think that I’m not mad at you because I had to wait to hear it from Vi. I would have been happy for you. This is amazing and you guys deserve it.” Ace brought his other arm around me and crushed me to his chest.
“Thanks baby girl. It feels pretty damn amazing.”
I was about to ask them for details about the deal when Chris burst into the kitchen with a girl under each arm and a beer in hand, and I could tell it wasn’t his first. Or second. Probably not his third either. “You guys ready for a tour?” He shouted. “We’re taking the east coast, and then it will be the world!” Everyone cheered and hollered, but I was stuck on the tour part. I turned back to face Spade.
“You guys are leaving?” The sympathy and regret in his eyes was my answer. “How soon?”
“We leave next week, they’re throwing us on with John Timbale and Expelling Shadows.” That was huge. Their shows had been selling out within a day of going on sale. Getting put on tour with them would make the guys’ careers. They were so good and now the whole country was about to hear it, and Chris was right, the entire world would be next.
It was more than just huge, it was incredible, but I couldn’t find it in myself to be excited that they were leaving. I wanted this for them, I really did, but it meant they were all leaving me. I wasn’t just losing Kyden, but all of these guys that I had come to care so much about.
I hated how selfish I was being. I should have been jumping up and down and cheering with the rest of the crowd, but I couldn’t. Instead I hugged them both and went to find a quiet place to pull myself together before I ruined their party. They started to come after me but I shook my head and they gave in.
I was trying to push my way through to the bathroom when I caught a glimpse of Kyden entering his bedroom. It looked like he was alone. He hadn’t seen me and closed his door behind him. I felt a calm come over me, all night I was anticipating seeing him with a sense of despair, but now all I felt was resolve.
I followed after him and slipped into his bedroom. He was stretched out on his bed, leaned up against the headboard with one of his composition books in his hand. Whatever he was writing had his full attention because he didn’t even notice me, until I shut the door.
“So a tour. Did you know this was going to happen before we talked?” He sighed.
“Yeah. They were pretty up front from the beginning about what they wanted to happen. They laid out the details of the tour at the second meeting.” The second meeting? That had been the day Shane was shot, the meeting I never got to ask him about.
“So when you said we should take some time, you meant like what? Three months? Six? I mean, how long is the tour?”
“Two months on the east coast, two more if they want to keep us on for the west coast, and another if we go overseas with them, but who knows what will happen.” Of course they would want to keep them on the tour. There was no way they wouldn’t once people started going crazy for them.
“What was the point of any of this then if you knew you were probably leaving?” Unless that’s exactly why he started it? He knew if it didn’t work, he got to leave without being the bad guy, because how could I ever hold pursuing his dream against him?
“I was going to ask you to go with me.” What? Go with him. Did he really mean it? Did it even matter now? No, it didn’t because now we both knew it would never work. He didn’t want it enough and I wanted it too much.
“You could still come.” He said casually. “We could try to maybe figure this out.” What an enthusiastic offer. I really felt how much he wanted me to be there. I almost laughed, except that it hurt too much.
“I think we’ve both already figured out everything we need to. No point in dragging it out across the country when that’s not what either of us really wants. It would only hurt more later on. It’s best if we both just move past this.” I was lying with everything I had while on the inside I was begging him to see that, to see that I would follow him anywhere. I wanted, more than anything, for him to try to change my mind.
He didn’t of course, because unlike me, this was exactly how he wanted it. He was probably relieved even though I couldn’t read anything in his expression because he had his emotions in check and all his walls up. He just nodded like that’s what he had expected me to say.
“You’re probably right. I want you to know that I don’t regret anything, and I’m sorry this is how it ended Jaxyn.” Jaxyn. There it was. The end. I’d suspected it when he disappeared on that Monday night and ignored my calls. I knew it when Kaylie answered his phone, and then I believed it for sure when he said we needed time. At least I thought I had, but I was wrong. My heart had refused to accept what my head had known all along, but my heart was finally on the same page now. It was the first time he had ever called me by my name, and it was the first time I’d ever hated the sound of my name.
He stood up and pulled me into a hug and pressed a kiss on top of my head and just like that, my heart knew it was goodbye. Probably not forever. He would come home, eventually and because of our friends, our lives would still be tied together, but it was goodbye to the ‘us’ that never even really had a chance to be.
I’d hated goodbye when I had to say it to my mom in her hospital room. I hated it again when I said it to Bas after our graduation dinner, knowing it would be for longer than he realized. I hated it just as much right now and I still had a round of goodbyes left to make it through with the rest of the band. I wasn’t actually losing them the way I was Kyden, but I knew it would still suck, and I was right.
That next week when we all stood in the driveway of the very same house and I hugged each of them and wished them the best, it did suck. It sucked so much I couldn’t even try to stop the tears.
“Please don’t cry baby girl. You have no idea how hard it was to even pack my bags knowing I was leaving you behind. You’ll be okay though. You’re so strong and this isn’t going to change anything. I love you girl. We all do, even if not everyone is ready to admit it to themselves.” Ace whispered in my ear as I clung to him. “We’ll be back, and I’m going to call you every single day. You’ll be so sick of me that you won’t miss me at all.” It was sweet. It was a lie, but still sweet. I was going to miss him so much, all of them.
They climbed into the van and drove off taking my heart with them. After they were no longer in sight I sat down on the sidewalk and silently sobbed. I wanted to believe Ace when he promised nothing would change, but these last two months were proof of just how little time it took for things to be completely turned upside down, and they were going to be gone for twice that. I had no doubt they would ride out the entire tour.
Chapter 37
The first month they were gone was the hardest. I moved back into my house the same Friday they left. Bas wasn’t comfortable with me being alone since Connor was still out there somewhere. I didn’t care though. Connor was a coward, a coward who was probably as far away from Boston as he could get, running from my father. I wanted my space back, but mostly I didn’t want anyone else witnessing any more of my pathetic wallowing.
I didn’t even leave my bed that entire weekend except when it was absolutely nec
essary. I ignored everyone’s calls, except Ace’s. My cell phone was by my side at all times so that I wouldn’t miss it. The first one came Saturday night, after the tour kicked off in North Carolina. I was anxious to hear about their first concert. I didn’t go to sleep that night, afraid I wouldn’t hear the phone ring. He finally called at one in the morning.
For fifteen minutes I pushed everything else aside and did my best impression of enthusiastic and cheerful. They deserved my support, and I didn’t need to make them feel any worse than they already did just because I was having a hard time. Ace passed the phone around to each of the guys. Except for one. None of them had slept yet, they were still buzzing from the show. By the end of the conversation, I really was ecstatic for them, but then we hung up and everything I pushed aside came back.
I wondered what he thought about their first show, if he was feeling as amped up as the other three. If he had gotten nervous before the performance or if he was his typical cool and collected self. I wondered if any girls followed him back to his hotel room. Why wouldn’t he take one back? They wouldn’t ask anything of him except one night.
During the week I had a routine to get back to. I couldn’t slack on my work if I wanted to keep my job, and I really wanted to keep my job. Not only was it something I enjoyed, but it provided much needed distraction.
Then Saturday came again and I was intent on keeping myself busy at the house. I stood in the doorway of the spare room and decided it was a good day to get it converted to a guest bedroom. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t stalk any of the music blogs or social media websites to check up on Ky, and staying busy was the only way I was going to be able to keep that promise.
I sorted boxes and drawers, setting aside the projects I wanted to finish and finding places for the ones my mom and I had completed in her last months. I put the excess craft supplies in a stack to be donated and almost everything else I wanted to save went to the attic. I texted Vi to ask her to go with me tomorrow to pick out a bed and drop off the stuff for donation. I knew it would make her happy to get me out of the house and doing something productive.
I was right and she was thrilled. She tried to turn it into an entire day of shopping and lunch, but I couldn’t make myself go along with it. I compromised and let her help me pick out other furniture for the room and new bedding. She didn’t want to drop me back at my house when we were done, but she did.
I should have let her talk me into lunch, as much shopping as she wanted, a movie, and dinner. Anything that would have kept me from doing what I did.
When I got back, I set my purchases in the spare room and then there was nothing left to do. The furniture was being delivered the next day and then I could finish it. I wandered through the house, but I couldn’t find anything else to occupy the rest of the day, and that’s why it only took me four hours to cave. I watched TV, I read, I even painted my nails, but my eyes kept drifting to my laptop, until I found myself sitting in front of it, opening up my internet browser.
Everything I read was exactly what I expected. People loved them, girls especially loved them. They had played four shows, two in North Carolina, one in West Virginia and then the most recent was in Florida. They were blowing up every site I checked. They weren’t the only ones though, and that is why I wished that I had done anything today, but turn on my stupid computer.
I found out that Hollow Crossing had been signed as well and put on the same tour. Jealousy and anger leaked out my eyes and ran down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop it, even though I believed Kyden when he said nothing else happened between them. I even knew that he never really had feelings for her, but I wasn’t rational. I was heartbroken. Logic and reason flew out the window and none of it mattered.
The only thing that that mattered to me was that the closest person to an ex-girlfriend he had, was traveling the country with him and I was not. It was that thought, that left me hunched over, arms clutched around my middle while sobs wracked my body. That night, for the first time, I sent Ace to voicemail. His second call as well, but he saw right through me. The calls were followed immediately by a text message.
Ace: I’m guessing you know she’s here. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you. We didn’t want to make it harder for you, but I swear he hardly even speaks to her.
I didn’t respond, and he didn’t send any more texts or try to call again that night. I couldn’t ignore him for long though, I didn’t want to. The next evening when my phone rang with his image on the screen I answered it. I went back to looking forward to his calls each night.
The following week saw a little more normalcy return to my life, even though I felt anything but, on the inside. The pain was always there, just under the surface, waiting for a moment of weakness, to incapacitate me. The days were a blur of keeping my mind focused on anything else, so that wouldn’t happen. I went to dinner at Shane and Lucy’s, had lunch dates with Vi and Lissa and Friday after work I was in the stands cheering Bas on at his first lacrosse game of the season.
I finally reached out to Sadie as well and now we were talking on the phone a couple times a week. I’d put off talking to her because sharing my heartbreak with her made me feel weak. My suffering paled in comparison to hers. She’d lost the person she loved as well. Only her fiancé didn’t break up with her and take off on a music tour, he died in Iraq.
I should have known she would never judge me though, or make my pain seem insignificant. She understood what I was going through and was there for me when I was struggling the most. I would call her in the moments when the pain of missing him seemed like too much, and she would talk me through it. She told me that it was a year before she took off her engagement ring, and about the nights she still woke up looking for him next to her, which was the hardest part.
Some nights I dreamed of Kyden. Waking up was the worst part for me, too, after one of those nights. While I slept I had him. I dreamed of the few days we had, but mostly I dreamed of the ones we never had, and what they could have been, if only things were different. That was all ripped away every time I opened my eyes in the morning and it was like saying goodbye to him all over again.
Sadie and I finally made plans for her to come out and visit me in December. She wanted to come sooner, but wasn’t able to work it out with her job. She was now managing the music store. I was anxious for her to spend Christmas with me, not only because I missed her, but also because I knew it meant she wouldn’t be alone for the holiday. She had even less family than I did. Seeing her gave me something to look forward to.
Eight states and almost twenty shows from the time I watched them load up and drive away and four weeks had passed. The first month was gone. It was like some pivotal breakup landmark, everyone stopped asking me if I was doing okay. They quit walking on eggshells around me and expecting me to cry at any moment. One month was apparently the appropriate amount of time to get over the only guy you’d ever given your heart to, to stop missing him. On the outside I could make it appear so, but on the inside I was still battling for it to be true.
Sometimes Bas would get this look on his face, like for a brief moment he saw through it, but he never called me on it. I felt awful hiding anything from Bas, putting on a mask for him, but I didn’t want to let him down. I didn’t want to disappoint him when he finally thought I was better. He and Vi were both back in classes and had a lot on their plates without me giving them more to worry about.
Some days were harder than others. The day I finally convinced myself to go pick up the stuff I’d left at the guy’s place, was one of those days. That day I found out just how not over him I was, after one month.
I stood in the doorway of his bedroom taking everything in. So much was the same; there was a pair of jeans strewn across the floor, and my neat little stack of clothes was still folded on top of his dresser. His closet door was left open, and although it was mostly empty, the dress I wore to the barbecue our first day as a couple was hanging there next to his only suit. The book I had started read
ing that weekend was sitting on his nightstand, still opened to the page I had left off on. A lot of his books and all of the guitars, except Red, were gone, as well his computer and his composition notebooks.
His room looked exactly how I felt, like a shell he left behind. It still held pieces of him; memories and bits of his life, but ultimately it would be clear to anyone who looked inside, that he was gone. I realized then that the pain of losing him hadn’t actually lessened at all. I still missed him with just as intensely as I did the first day without him. I’d just gotten used to the pain; it was a part of me now. Each day was easier to get through because I knew what to expect. I had adjusted to life without him, but it would take a lot longer than one month for my heart to heal from that loss.
Bas found me sitting on the bed, silently crying into Ky’s pillow. He didn’t say anything, just packed up my stuff and took it out to his car. He came back and laid down beside me and stared up at the ceiling while I tried to hide my face. He still didn’t speak. When the tears stopped, we got up and he drove me home, but before I could open my door and get out of the car he stopped me.
“Maybe you should call him Jazz.” He said hesitantly.
“No.” That was the last thing I would do. He didn’t try to change my mind, but he wasn’t done.
“This has to stop Jazz. No more hiding and letting him do this to you. I can’t stand seeing you like this. I haven’t said anything because I thought you were getting better, but I can see now that I should’ve been paying better attention. Once before I didn’t see how much you were really hurting and I lost you. I’m not going to let that happen again.” As much as I didn’t want to hear what he was saying, I also didn’t want to be the girl who kept falling apart because of a boy. He was right. It had to stop. I said goodbye to Bas and went inside and tried not to be that girl anymore.
Finding Ever After Page 35