“Elaina was nineteen and music lessons were how she paid her way through school. I was just hitting puberty and she was every horny, little boy’s fantasy. I hung on her every word and would practice for hours after she left every day, just so I could surprise her. My parents were never around; our sessions were always in private. Things didn’t start getting weird until about six months after Elaina started coming to the house.” I had a sick feeling in my stomach that I knew where this story was going. I could only pray that I was way off.
“Elaina would start rewarding me when I perfected a new piece or concept. At first it just innocent little things, or at least I thought they were. A hug, a kiss on the cheek, or she would end the lesson for the rest of the day and we would play video games or go for a swim in the pool if we could get away with it. Pretty soon she started bringing me gifts. A cd she knew I wanted but my parents didn’t approve of, and then right before my fourteenth birthday, she brought me a dirty mag.” I raised my eyebrows.
“Like I said I was a horny little bastard so it wasn’t the first time I had seen porn, but having my older violin teacher bring it to me was mind blowing. That night when she was gone I pulled it out and realized that the girls in the magazine looked a lot like her. They all had long blonde hair and big blue eyes and had a similar build; lots of curves.” I wanted to stop him, because now there was no doubt in my mind about where this was leading. I wanted to stop him, but I had to hear it so I let him keep talking. I remained silent the whole time, trying hard to mask my horror and disgust.
“By the time I turned fourteen, the touches and kisses on the cheek started lingering a little longer and happening more frequently. My parents loved her because I wasn’t complaining about having to play anymore, and she was quickly becoming my obsession. It wasn’t too much later that she gave me my first real kiss. A month after that we took another swim, only this time she went topless. Then the next time she took her shirt off she asked if I wanted to touch her.” I couldn’t hear this, I thought I could listen but I was going to be physically ill. I started shaking my head and my eyes were burning with the tears I wanted to cry for that fourteen year old boy, and the hatred I felt for Elaina.
“Please, just let me finish. You need to hear it all.” I didn’t want to, I wanted to do anything but sit here and listen to the rest of this tale play out, but I had to do it for him. As difficult as it was for me to hear, it had to be even worse for him to tell me.
“Okay. Keep going.” I whispered.
“After that she made it a game. She would start stripping while I played and if I could make it through the piece without messing up she would let me touch her. When I got better at that she came up with new tactics to try and distract me and she started touching me. I was still fourteen when I lost my virginity, and more of our lessons were spent in my bed, than actually playing the violin. I was convinced that I was in love with her and that we just had to keep our relationship a secret until I was eighteen and we could be together.
“We continued sneaking around until I was seventeen. Then one day my Mom informed me that Elaina quit because she was getting married and that I didn’t need a violin tutor anymore. I went up to my room and did what I had wanted to do when I was eight, and the damn thing was first thrust into my hands. I smashed the violin to pieces. I haven’t picked one up since that day. She was just another heartless bitch, no different than my affectionless mother who used people and discarded them when she was done.”
Until this moment I had only ever truly hated two other people, and recently my hatred toward Jack had lessoned. What I felt toward Elaina was right up there with how I felt about Connor. I was nauseous, and shaking with an anger that was foreign to me. My heart was shattered for him, and I wanted her to pay for it. She had taken a sweet kid, who was probably just dying for some female attention, someone to care about him, and she had taken advantage of him and broke him. She was responsible for this damaged man sitting in front of me, face filled with shame.
I knew there was more to his story, that his past had other hurts, probably from his parents, especially his mother, but this was the major event that had shaped him into who he was today. It was no wonder he didn’t trust or respect most women. His womanizing ways and all the bitterness and resentment that boiled just under the surface made sense. He hid behind his sarcasm and charm, sex was a weapon that he expertly wielded, and it was because of that woman.
“What’s going through your head right now?” He asked avoiding my eyes.
“You don’t want to know.” I answered.
“Yes I do. I need to know what you’re thinking.”
“I’m thinking about how much I want to run that woman over with my car, how much I want to scream at your mother for not knowing what was going on. I feel sickened just imagining her touching you.” He winced. “But mostly I’m just sorry, so sorry that it happened to you.”
“Don’t.” He warned. “Don’t fucking do that. I’m not a damn victim and I don’t want your pity.” I finally understood what it was to be one the other end of that statement.
“Believe me, I know about not wanting people’s pity, better than anyone. That’s not what this is. I can’t help but hurt for you, no matter what you think, this was something that was done to you. She took advantage of a kid-” Definitely the wrong thing to say. He jumped up and turned on me in a flash.
“Nothing was done to me. I wasn’t fucking raped. I knew what we were doing and I sure as hell didn’t say no, but I definitely enjoyed it.” I don’t know if that part was meant just to hurt me, but it did. He turned around and moved to the other side of the room. He was trying to push me away again. He’d finally let me in, let me see his soul. Even if he didn’t mean to, I saw it.
I saw the thirteen year old kid dying to please, to have someone appreciate him. The fourteen year old kid who was tricked into believing that sex was love, and I saw the seventeen year old boy who had that lie exposed and ripped out of him. All of it broke my heart for him even more.
There had been countless girls since then, who had wanted a piece of him, his body, his talent, his reputation, and not one of them really knew him. They didn’t care about the guy underneath all of that, but I did. God did I care.
I wanted to hold him, to tell him it wasn’t his fault. I wanted to tell him that there wasn’t anything wrong with him and all of the same things Bas and Vi had been saying to me for years. I knew that words alone didn’t help though, that I couldn’t make him believe anything he didn’t want to.
I didn’t know what was going on in his head, but what I could see scared me. There was regret in his eyes, and I was betting he wished he hadn’t told me. He wanted to take it all back. The wall was fully erected again, reinforced and twice as high, and I wasn’t getting through it this time.
I thought knowing his secret would bring us closer, that it would strengthen our relationship, but it was going to do the opposite. He was retreating, getting defensive. I could see it happening right in front of me and I couldn’t stop it. All the while I was falling deeper. Knowing what he had been through, and the chance he had been willing to take on me, only made me love him more. He didn’t just have a piece of my heart, he owned the whole scarred thing and that was really dangerous for me.
I’d already spent three days experiencing the pain of losing him. Now that I knew just how damaged he was, I also knew that he would fight with every part of himself to keep his own heart locked up. I would always be the one who cared more, loved more and therefore would have so much more to lose. I didn’t blame him, but I didn’t know if I could keep fighting for something he would probably never be able to give me.
I was torn. The distance between us was even greater than it had been before his confession, and my head was screaming to get out now while it only felt like I was being crushed. That pain wouldn’t even come close to touching the devastation I would know if I continued to give him more of myself. I would love him more and more every day an
d if he ran again I wouldn’t just be crushed, I would be decimated.
His back was facing me and he was probably fighting his own internal battle. His hands were braced against the door frame and his head rested on it. I didn’t know whether he was going to twist the handle and walk out or turn around and snap at me some more. Really, either one was just as likely.
“I think we need to take some time and figure out what we want. It would be better if you stayed here.” Just like that, I knew. It was over. We were over. He’d made the decision for the both of us. I should’ve been relieved. We were both getting out before we hurt each other any further. This was the rational, smart choice and yet I wanted to punch him, kick him and scream at him for taking the choice away from me. I wanted to beg him not to walk out that door. My head was getting what it wanted but my heart was raging at losing what it wanted so badly.
I couldn’t and wouldn’t beg though, because deep down, I did know that it was for the best. I wouldn’t be like all of those other girls who threw tantrums and then threw objects to try and make him stay. We’d both known this was how it would end. It just happened sooner than I had expected. He left me sitting on that bed as he walked out of the room and the apartment. He didn’t see the tears pouring down my face. He never looked back.
Lissa and Vi returned and took up their positions on either side of me again. I didn’t tell them what he’d shared with me. I wouldn’t betray that trust. The guys had been right, it wasn’t anyone’s story to tell but his. I did tell them that he wanted to take some time to think about things. Their faces showed that they saw it for the ending that it was too.
I cried some more, we ate ice cream, we bashed men in general, even though they were both happy in their relationships and I didn’t really hate all guys. I didn’t even hate Kyden, but it did make me feel better. A little. Very little.
In the evening Bas came home waving two large boxes of pizza. Lissa took one right out of his hands, sent him to the living room and closed the door behind her again. We stayed that way all night, just the three of us talking and sharing our heartaches. Lissa busted out her “breakup DVDs” and we spent hours watching some of the greatest romances of all time. Our girls night turned into a slumber party when they passed out sometime during Pretty Woman. It must’ve been after one in the morning, but I couldn’t find sleep.
I carefully, and quietly slipped out of the bed and padded down the hall to Bas and Lissa’s room. I stood outside the room, unable to bring myself to knock and wake him up, but I wanted my best friend. The girls were amazing, and they got me through the day, but now I needed the comfort that only he could provide.
I was just raising my hand to knock when the door opened. “I thought I heard you out here.” His eyes were sad and understanding. He tugged me into his chest.
“Did you wait up for me?” He didn’t need to answer, his face said it all. He was the one person who knew me better than I knew myself and he knew I would need him tonight. We moved to the couch in the living room and he tucked into his side and rested his chin was resting on top of my head. He rubbed my back while I cried into his shoulder. I didn’t hold anything back from him, he knew Kyden’s story, at least the gist of it.
He understood why my heart not only broke for myself, but for Ky as well. He also knew better than anyone what it was like to want so badly, to help someone you cared about, to want to take away their pain. I was even more grateful for everything he had ever done for me. I finally understood what he must have felt all along watching me suffer, and here he was again, trying to ease my hurt. The tears finally stopped and the ache in my chest lessened as sleep finally took hold.
I’d hoped in the morning it would hurt less, that it would be easier for me to accept that it was the right thing. Two people so damaged didn’t belong together. My hope was in vain though. I spent another day holed up in bed with a box of tissue, hating every character in every movie who got their happily ever after. I prayed for God to take the pain away, but I knew there was no instant cure.
The rest of my weekend looked the same. Then Monday came around and I was forced to shower and go back to work. Shane was recovering rapidly, able to go home from the hospital and repairs were starting on my house. I gave in and let the crew my dad hired take care of it since they kept calling.
I didn’t see or hear from Kyden once during the week. Saturday I went over to Shane’s to have dinner with them. I felt bad for staying away, and as much as I tried not to show how depressed I was, he and Lucy could still see it. They did the one thing that ensured I wouldn’t be able to wallow in it though. They insisted Izzy have a sleepover with Auntie Jaxy. She was thrilled and there was no way I could say no to her cute face, so she spent the night with me at Bas and Lissa’s.
The next afternoon Spade and Ace showed up to take the two of us to lunch and then the latest Disney movie. They were amazing, all of my friends were. They tried to keep me busy and distracted. No one mentioned Kyden, but still I was miserable.
Monday came again and crawled by at a snail’s pace. If it was possible Tuesday was even slower. All week I woke up, went to work, and then I went back to Bas’ apartment and shut myself in what had become my room. Occasionally I emerged to hang out with Bas and Lissa, or the others when they stopped by. When I was alone I turned on my lovesick playlist and lost myself in the lives of the characters in the novels on my ereader and wished that all of my problems could be wrapped up in a matter of a few chapters.
Chapter 36
On Friday I had to be at my house to check on the progress and pick out paint and new fixtures for the kitchen. Mark called me every day to fill me in on what they accomplished and to ask any questions they had for me. From the sounds of it, things were going smoothly and I would be back in my house sometime next week. I couldn’t wait to be back in my own space. They would never say it, but it had to be a burden for Bas and Lissa to have me moping around their apartment every day.
Vi picked me up early from work so she could give me a ride to my house. My dad had called to inform me that someone tipped Connor off and he’d disappeared, so I still had to have an escort everywhere I went.
When I got in her car, I could tell something was up. She avoided looking at me and on the drive she tried to make meaningless small talk which wasn’t like her. I didn’t have it in me to go along with it, so I only answered her with one word responses until she gave up and finally said what she really needed to.
“So, there’s a party at the guys’ house tonight.”
“I don’t want to go so you can save your breath.” I still wasn’t ready to face him. He hadn’t so much as sent a text message to see how I was. I didn’t want to spend the night watching girls throw themselves at him. I’d rather stay home and scrub every inch of the apartment with a toothbrush, than watch that.
“I know, and I wouldn’t even bring it up, except that the guys, well Chris, Ace and Spade, really want you there. It’s kind of a big celebration thing.”
“Celebration?”
“Yeah, they got the deal. The label signed them earlier this week.”
“When?”
“I think it was final on Wednesday.”
“Why didn’t they tell me?” I asked feeling dejected that I was the last to know.
“I think they were afraid it might upset you more and I think they also hoped that he would come talk to you himself.” I was a horrible friend, so wrapped up in my own world that my friends, the ones who had been there for me so much in the last few months, felt like they couldn’t share their good news with me. I needed to get over myself and be there for them tonight. It wasn’t about me and Kyden, it was about the band, and every single one of them deserved this. It was my turn to be there for them.
“I’ll go.” I told her, and the next several hours were spent dreading the party. Vi helped me make the choices for the kitchen, but I couldn’t tell you what colors, or lights or sink I decided on. I had to trust that Vi wouldn’t have let me
pick out anything tacky or distasteful. All I could think about was the confrontation that I knew was going to happen tonight.
I was going to see him, and even though I was sure we were over, tonight would solidify it. There would be no doubt left when I saw him, one way or the other. I didn’t realize how much my heart had been clinging to the tiny scrap of hope that he missed me as much as I missed him.
I changed six different times before finally deciding on a simple, but cute, dark green tunic dress. The fact that the color reminded me of a certain pair of eyes had nothing to do with why I chose it. I let my hair hang down over my shoulders and skipped the makeup. If I ended up crying again, which was likely, it would only end up a mess.
An hour later Bas’ car was parked outside the house. We’d been there for about ten minutes and I still couldn’t make myself get out.
“You have to go inside eventually Jazz.”
“I know. You might have to drag me though, I don’t think I can do it on my own Bas.”
“Yes you can. You’re stronger than this Jazz, even though you don’t want to be.” I hated when he was right, but he was. I was acting like a stubborn child, it would be better to just get it over with. I took a deep breath and steeled myself. I grabbed the door handle, and before I changed my mind, forced myself out of the car. Bas and Lissa both held my hands as we took the steps up to the front door. Before going in they both gave them a squeeze and then let go.
There were more people than I had ever seen, in their house. It was almost as packed as the bars were for their shows. The sound system was blasting one of their songs.
“Rainbow!” Spade scooped me up and threw me over his shoulder as soon as he spotted me. Before I could protest we were moving toward the kitchen. As we passed through the mass of bodies I tried to lift my head so I could look for Ky and when Spade set me down on a barstool I was still searching for him.
Finding Ever After Page 34