Finding Ever After

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  Two weeks later it was confirmed, John Timbale and Expelling Shadows wanted them for the whole tour. They’d have a ten day break after their last show here in Massachusetts, before they left for Texas, where the west coast tour started.

  Up to that point I had been good at only checking the blogs and websites once a week and staying away from all video clips of their performances. I wasn’t healed, but I was getting better and I knew that seeing him, hearing his voice, would only set me back.

  I was reading the post that had the tour announcement and at the bottom I saw a heading above one video clip that caused my resolve to waver. “Steamy Duet between Ashes and Ember’s Front Man Kyden McCabe and Hollow Crossing goddess Kaylie Patton.”

  It was like a gruesome accident on the side of the road. You know you should just keep driving, but you can’t help but look. That’s what happened when I clicked play. My heart sped up at the sound of his achingly familiar voice, then my stomach revolted the first time she touched him. The worst part was, it was brilliant. They performed one of Hollow Crossing’s songs, I had heard it before, but Kyden brought a whole new intensity and rawness to the song. They were incredible together.

  The performance sparked all kinds of comments and gossip about a possible romance between the two. It was like that night in the hospital all over again; her voice on his phone shredding my heart. For the second time I rejected a call from Ace when it came, but he kept calling. After the fourth time I sent him to voicemail he texted.

  Ace: Please answer. Don’t shut me out.

  When he called again five minutes later I gave in and answered.

  “Did you see the video?” He knew I had.

  “Ace, when will it stop hurting so much?” My voice was so quiet I wasn’t sure if he heard me until he sighed a moment later.

  “I don’t know baby girl, I don’t know. That performance wasn’t planned, you need to know that. He couldn’t exactly say no in front of thousands of people.”

  “Do you think I’m being stupid, that I should be over him already?”

  “You’re not the one being stupid in all of this.” After that he tried to take my mind off of it all by filling me in on some more mishaps on the road.

  He told me about how Spade almost missed the bus from Ohio to Pennsylvania. They were three hours late because some girl left him handcuffed to her hotel room bed, and nobody could find him until the maid went in to turn the room over. I could hear Spade hollering in the background trying to get the phone away from Ace, and then he came on and tried to deny the whole incident. I was actually laughing when I got off the phone. It was the first time I had really laughed in a long time.

  Chapter 38

  Three weeks later and month two was wrapping up quickly. I had a huge event to promote and prepare for at the gallery which took up most of my time and energy. There were only six days until their final concert before the break. It was at the Comcast Center in Mansfield, not even an hour from Boston. The guys sent tickets and everyone was planning on going. Everyone except me.

  Bas and Vi tried to talk me into it. They thought I was so much stronger than I really was. When I was with them, it was easier to act like I wasn’t still so deeply affected. For hours at a time I could let go and smile and laugh with them. I was living. Without him. But I wasn’t over him, not by a long shot.

  The moments when I was riveted to my computer screen hitting play for just ten seconds of the sweetest misery, was proof of that. Ever since I watched the video of him and Kaylie my resolve was left in tatters. I wouldn’t allow myself any more than ten seconds at a time, but I just needed to hear him.

  I gave up the blogs and everything else, but I needed the videos. His voice was like the worst kind of drug and every day I was desperate for my next hit. I lived for it. In those ten seconds it was just me and him. His voice reached into my soul and made me feel everything; good and bad. Afterward I was left wrecked for a little while, but it was worth it. At least it meant my heart was still strong enough to feel. The only thing worse than feeling depressed was feeling nothing at all.

  The numbness and emptiness tried to creep in and it terrified me more than all the hurt in the world. It would be too easy to let it wrap around me and erase the pain, but it was a dangerous place for me to go to. I’d been there before; for months after Connor attacked me I was that way. I never wanted to see that vacancy in my eyes or feel so hollow again.

  I couldn’t go to that concert though. I’d learned just what my limits were, and knew that going would be more than I could take. Ace was a little disappointed when I told him, but he said he understood. I knew he did, I just wished he didn’t have to. I couldn’t wait to see him.

  Just six days.

  I sent the interns out with more posters and fliers to hang up and hand out all over the city.

  Five days.

  The guys played a show in Michigan.

  Four days.

  I called all of our regular clients who’d showed interest in the artists we were featuring, or similar work, to remind them and offer them a VIP first look, giving them opportunity to see the work an hour before the public was allowed in.

  Three days.

  The guys played a show in Pennsylvania.

  Two days.

  I posted all over the websites to draw in last minute attendees.

  One day.

  The showing went exceptionally well. We had an amazing turnout and my bosses were impressed with my hard work and commitment and mentioned a raise before the night was over. Another benefit of throwing myself so fully into my work.

  Saturday night; the night of the concert, was here and while everyone else was on their way to Mansfield I was locked up tight in my house with a stack of Resident Evil movies to keep me company. There wasn’t anything romantic about Alice laying waste to hordes of Zombies. Nothing about watching the infected take bullets to the brain would make me think of the boy who would have my heart up on that stage with him while he made fifteen thousand other people fall in love with him as well.

  I couldn’t completely keep him off my mind though because tomorrow he wouldn’t just be back in Massachusetts, he’d be back in Boston. Two months and the thought of occupying the same space as him again, had me wanting to pack a bag and run back to Portland. I was scared. Not of him being cruel or of wanting him more when I saw him, that wasn’t it. The morning they’d left, right before he disappeared into the back of the van, I saw in his eyes that he still cared. Not enough, but it was something. I was scared, no terrified, that when I looked into his eyes now, I wouldn’t see it anymore, that it would be completely gone. Yet one look into mine and he would see that two months had done nothing to erase the longing from eyes.

  Maybe I would get lucky and the zombie apocalypse would come before that happened. With my luck, if the zombie apocalypse did ensue, I’d end up in a doomsday bunker with him and Kaylie. I’d probably let the zombies have my brains rather than endure that. Then I would come back and eat Kaylie’s brains.

  It wasn’t at all surprising that I dreamed of zombies when I fell asleep on my couch. I was in the middle of plowing through a pack of them in my car, when my dream was interrupted.

  “Wake up baby girl.” I opened my eyes to see Ace and Spade grinning down at me. I was instantly wide awake and launching myself up and into Ace’s arms.

  “What are you guys doing here? You said you couldn’t come home until tomorrow.” I squeezed my arms around his neck.

  “Wanted to surprise ya Rain-Hey, it’s not rainbow anymore.” Spade commented on my hair. I hadn’t felt very bright and colorful lately so I’d dyed over it with a deep purple on top and dark blue underneath that was almost black.

  “I wanted something new.” I told him. He nodded in understanding and I moved into his waiting arms.

  “Okay if we crash with you tonight?” Ace asked while I raked my eyes over their appearances and taking in the changes. Ace had chopped off his ponytail and now his hair fell in w
aves around his face, that didn’t quite reach his shoulders. He was also sporting a good amount of scruff on his pretty face. Spade’s hair was cropped close to his head except for the purple fauxhawk he was rocking. They both looked good.

  “Of course you guys can stay. I can’t believe you’re back. I missed you both so much.” I exclaimed.

  “Good because I am so tired. I think I might sleep right through this whole break.” Spade professed before throwing me over his shoulder and packing me up the stairs to my bedroom. Ace was right on his heels. He tossed me down on the bed and they both stripped out of their jeans and practically collapsed on either side of me.

  “Ummm. I have a spare bedroom guys.” I tried to tell them.

  “Don’t care Rainbow. Go to sleep.” Spade yawned and Ace just grunted his response. They weren’t going anywhere and I was too thrilled that they were back to bother kicking them out. Even though it was a tiny bit awkward to be sharing a bed with the two of them.

  The next morning when I woke up they were both still out cold. I wiggled myself from between them and then I may have moved down the stairs and into the kitchen in a way that looked a lot like skipping or prancing. My lighthearted mood carried on while I prepared breakfast. Thankfully no one was around to witness the embarrassing dance I was doing while I stood at the stove. Or at least I thought nobody was watching.

  “Looking good Tink. What’s for breakfast?” Chris was standing in the doorway of the kitchen with a teasing grin on his face. I was too happy to see him to care that he saw me dancing around the kitchen like a fool in my sleep shorts and batman slippers. I put down the spatula I was wielding and attacked him the same way I had the guys last night.

  “Not that I mind, but how do you guys keep getting into my house?”

  “I think they got Bas’ key from him last night, and I used Dad’s just now.” That made sense, and they all had my alarm code.

  Spade and Ace came down just as I was pulling the last of the French toast off the griddle. Chris was already piling a plate high with bacon, eggs and the first slices of French toast. The two of them didn’t hesitate to grab plates and start loading them. I snatched a piece of bacon out of the pan before they took it all.

  Over breakfast I listened to more stories from the road. I wasn’t surprised in the least by their shenanigans and the trouble they’d caused over the last two months. I sat back and watched them talk about everything they saw and experienced. It became more obvious than ever that it was the life they were meant for. Touring, seeing different places, playing sold out shows, crowds of adoring fans; all of it was clearly a dream realized for them. I was so excited, but at the same time I saw everything changing. They weren’t just my guys anymore, they belonged to those screaming fans now too, and pretty soon they would belong to the rest of the word as well.

  After breakfast the guys were eager to get back to their own house, but not before we made plans to go out the next night in celebration of their short homecoming and the success of the tour so far. I couldn’t hide my nerves about seeing Kyden and they picked up on it. Spade shifted uncomfortably and Ace looked at my sympathetically but it was Chris who broke the news that should have been a relief, but wasn’t, at all.

  “He didn’t come back Tink.” I tried not to react, to act like I didn’t care one way or the other, but I’m pretty sure I failed miserably.

  “Oh.” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know the reason. Had he met someone else, was he spending the break with her? Was he holed up somewhere with Kaylie? Did he just not want to see me? There wasn’t a single scenario that I could come up with that didn’t make it difficult to breathe. The panic must have been visible on my face.

  “He got real tight with Max, the drummer from Expelling Shadows. He flew to Phoenix with him and the rest of those guys after the show last night.” Chris informed me and then added, “as far as I know, he hasn’t been with anyone else.”

  “Yeah baby girl. He acted like recluse most of the time, just going back and forth from the bus to the hotel to the show. He only showed up to a few of the after parties and most of the time he bailed early. Max wasn’t big on the partying either, I think that’s why they hit it off.” Ace explained and I was relieved. I didn’t even care if they were only saying it to make me feel better. I didn’t care if it wasn’t really true, I needed to believe it was.

  Knowing Kyden wasn’t going to be at the dinner helped me to relax while I got ready that evening. I looked forward to being out with everyone without the anxiety. The disappointment remained though, just under the surface. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that I was better off not seeing him, that I hadn’t even wanted to see him, I couldn’t make it disappear.

  While we were at the restaurant our night out turned into a celebration of another sort. I had noticed Bas seemed nervous which was unusual, and then I saw that his hand kept going to his pocket and his eyes hardly left Lissa. That’s when I realized what was coming.

  He did me proud too, set the bar for every guy in the place who had a girlfriend watching it play out. Lissa’s yes was immediate and tearful. The cheers from our table were heard all through the restaurant, and others nearby our table, who witnessed the moment joined in.

  I didn’t know it was possible to be so happy and so utterly devastated at the same time, but I was. My heart was ready to explode with joy, but at the same time it felt like it was going to shrivel up and wither away. I wasn’t jealous, not even a little bit. I wanted this for them almost more than anything. Bas was everything to me, and Lissa was quickly becoming like a sister.

  It wasn’t jealousy that coursed through my body, but longing. Almost any girl, who finds herself in a relationship with a guy she’s deeply in love with, can’t help but imagine a moment like this at some point. When he drops down on one knee and asks you to be forever his. Kyden and I never got even remotely close to that, but it doesn’t mean that I never picture it for a brief second; the ring, the dress, the friends that would be there, the life we would have, children; all of it, like a short movie reel. Unfortunately ours was the script that never progressed past the opening scene. Bas and Lissa though, they were the forever that gave me hope amidst the heartache. I hugged and congratulated them both.

  We went from the restaurant to a club and I danced and laughed and celebrated with the group all night, not once revealing that I was anything but overjoyed. Everyone joked and took bets on whether Chris or I would be the best man. Lissa told Bas he was stuck with his brother because she was making me a bridesmaid. He tried to offer her a trade, saying she could put Spade in a dress instead, but she didn’t go for it. I think Spade might have been a little offended that she didn’t.

  “Hey I’d look damn sexy in a dress. You’d be lucky to have me as a bridesmaid.” He was dead serious and I had a hard time keeping a straight face.

  “Yeah, yeah we know, but think of all the chicks you’ll get in a tux.” Ace reminded him.

  “Sorry Bas. Jax gets to wear the dress. I can’t deny the ladies the sight of me looking all James Bond.” I rolled my eyes. Sad truth was, any of these guys in a tux would scramble the brains of even the most sensible females. They should come with a warning. Probably wouldn’t even make a difference.

  I was dragged back out on the dance floor several times by each of the guys. When it was Bas’ turn I realized that maybe he wasn’t as fooled by my act as I thought.

  “Jazz, this is gonna be you someday. You’re not always going to hurt, and if Ky doesn’t realize his mistake, there will be someone else who won’t make the same one.”

  I didn’t respond, not sure whether it was because I didn’t want to or couldn’t without tearing up. I just danced with my best friend. The moment was broken when Spade came up from behind and started grinding on me.

  The night ended at two o’clock in the morning when Vi dropped me off at home. I pushed through my front door, closed it behind me and slid down to the floor. Deep, wrenching sobs ripped from my chest
and poured out of me.

  God I don’t see a way for Bas’ words to ever be true. I can’t imagine loving anyone else this much. I don’t want forever with anyone but him.

  Then I prayed it wouldn’t always be that way. I prayed until there were no words left, only the pain in my heart, but I was sure it was screaming loud enough for Him to hear, even without words.

  Chapter 39

  The next seven days disappeared in a flash, and way too soon Bas and I were dropping Chris, Ace and Spade at the airport. They had a flight to Phoenix to catch. They were spending the last day of their break with the guys there. This time it would be over three months before they were back home. They were going straight from the west coast tour over to Europe so they could spend time overseas sightseeing before the tour picked up again in Spain. Somehow I managed to say goodbye without all the tears.

  I was giving them all one last hug just outside the security gate when Ace pulled me aside. “Come to Europe with us for the new year.”

  “What?” I was too stunned to say anything else.

  “Just think about it. You’ve got to have vacation time or something.”

  “You mean like spend your guys’ break over there with you?”

  “Yeah. Come with us, we’ll go do all that touristy shit; Eifel Tower, The Louvre, Big Ben, whatever you want. It would be good for you, and I want you there. We all want you there.” I smelled a pity invite.

  “Look I appreciate the offer, but really I’ll be fine here. You don’t have to do this, and we both know not everyone wants me there.”

  “I know I don’t have to invite you, but I want to. The three of us already talked about it and we think it would be good for both of you. Contrary to what you think he does or doesn’t feel, I meant it when I said all of us want you there, even if he won‘t admit it.” He insisted. “If he doesn’t come to his senses and being around him is really a problem for you, we’ll take off and do our own thing.” So it wasn’t pity, not entirely, but definitely a set up.