Scratch

by Gillan, Danny

  ‘So, which one is it then?’ I was starting to hate it when he did this kind of thing.

  ‘Which would you rather it be? That’s the real question, James.’

  I especially hated it when he ended up not telling me anything. ‘I thought psychologists were supposed to help people by defining what the problem is?’

  ‘Where did you get that idea? Go and smoke, I’ll go to the bar.’

  I went for a smoke and a shiver.

  ‘Enjoy that, did you?’ Simon said when I returned, passing over a full pint.

  ‘Yes, thanks.’ Well, I had. Even a cigarette in the freezing cold of early summer was a pleasure, that’s just a fact.

  ‘Think about this, James. You’ve seven years until you hit forty. If you manage to stop by then and get some exercise you’ll probably be fine. If you’re lucky.’

  I had heard this one from my mum and dad so many times (until recently, at least). ‘Christ, Simon, give me a break. I know all that, I know the facts. Life’s too short, you know?’

  ‘Yours probably will be, yes. But you’re right, I apologise. It’s your business. Humans are the only animals capable of not only committing suicide, but convincing themselves they aren’t while they do it. I find that fascinating.’

  ‘That Drambuie isn’t exactly full of vitamins,’ I said, beleaguered.

  ‘My point exactly. Well said, James. We are all guilty to some degree, that’s certainly the truth. How was your evening out with Paula?’

  Shit. His timing was deadly. ‘Eh,’ I said, as usual. Which night was he talking about? Did he know Paula had come to see me last night, or did he mean Thursday night after I’d been at their house? I’d have to be vague and wing it, with him, the pontificating polygraph. That felt like suicide, but I didn’t have a choice. ‘Good, it was nice to catch up,’ I said. That wasn’t necessarily a lie, so I might be okay.

  ‘She seems keen to re-establish her friendship with you.’ He paused. It seemed like a meaningful pause to me, but I could have been wrong.

  ‘You sound surprised.’

  ‘I am.’ His bluntness reminded me he apparently never told lies, even tactful ones. ‘I’m somewhat confused about what you can offer her, if I’m to be truthful.’

  ‘You invited me for dinner, not Paula,’ I reminded him, given that he was just insulting me now.

  ‘I know. That may have been a mistake. If so, I apologise.’

  ‘Eh, okay.’ Why was he apologising to me? ‘A mistake in what way?’

  ‘James, it’s obvious you harbour feelings for Paula. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, nor should you be condemned for those feelings.’ Oh fuck. ‘But I don’t think you’ve quite grasped that she is unavailable.’

  I was going to have to start lying soon. I wasn’t confident. ‘I know she’s married, Simon.’ No lie there, so hopefully still okay.

  ‘Yes, but do you know that, James. Really know it?’

  ‘Yes, I really do. Has been for five years, to Ingo with the sick grandad. It’s come up, Simon, we talked about it. I’m under no illusions, I assure you.’ Again, no untruths, strictly speaking.

  For the first time since I’d met him Simon looked uncertain. ‘You have no intention of attempting to take your relationship with Paula beyond the platonic, is this what you’re telling me, James?’

  Sadly it was, for the moment at least. ‘Yes, that’s exactly what I’m telling you, Simon.’

  He still didn’t look completely convinced, but he also didn’t look completely unconvinced, which was about as good as I figured I could hope for.

  ‘Good enough,’ Simon said. ‘In that case I withdraw my apology about inviting you to dinner. It was a pleasure to watch The Master in the company of another aficionado.’ He raised his glass to me before draining its contents.

  My nervousness dimmed as I grasped that I’d apparently got away with that, so I was surprised when my left thigh muscle started to spasm. It took a moment to realise it was my mobile vibrating in my pocket. I smiled at Simon as I brought the phone out and looked at the screen. I attempted to maintain my smile as I saw it was Paula.

  There was no way I was going to cut her off so I had little choice but to answer. ‘Hello?’ I said as innocently as possible.

  ‘I love you Jim Cooper!’ Paula shouted down the phone, as pissed as a pissed person.

  ‘Yes, hi, how are you?’ I signalled to Simon that I was going outside because of the noise. At least that’s what I hoped I had indicated, I may just have waved my arm around and looked terrified. Either way Simon nodded and I bolted for the door.

  ‘Don’t you how are you me, m’boy,’ Paula said. ‘Tell me you love me, now!’

  ‘I love you; of course I do, sorry.’ I made it outside to the relative quiet of the pavement teeming with drunken smokers. ‘I was in the pub there, I couldn’t hear you properly.’

  ‘You better not be out with a girl!’

  ‘No, actually I’m with your—’

  ‘James.’ I froze, then turned to see Simon standing in the pub’s doorway. ‘Don’t mind me, just needed some air,’ he said.

  ‘Who? Who are you with, ya fecker?’ Paula shouted down the phone. Whenever I heard her voice, or even thought about her at all, she appeared like a vision in my head. On this occasion, the vision was swaying from side to side and holding on to a convenient wall for balance. ‘Is it Terry? Put him on the phone, I’m going to make him face up to his gayness!’

  ‘No, no it’s not … that,’ I said. I smiled at Simon and raised my eyebrows, hoping to give the impression I was placating an inebriated friend. This wasn’t too far from the truth, but it was further than I would have liked. Simon winked at me, which could have meant anything.

  ‘I’ve told Sammy about him, he thinks he can help,’ Paula said. ‘We should introduce them.’

  ‘We’ll have to look into that then,’ I said. ‘So, have you had a good day?’

  ‘Feckin’ excellent, boyo. My sister’s a danger to herself and others, I’m telling ye’. Uncle Sammy’s not much better. I had to leave them to it, I’m out of practice. They’re away to the Polo Lounge to scare some wee boys.’

  ‘Okay, where are you?’ I shrugged at Simon. He winked again, which made me uncomfortable.

  ‘D’you know, I’ve got no idea,’ Paula said. ‘There’s some trees and a big path. I passed the water a minute ago. I didn’t pass water, I crossed the river, that’s what I meant. I feckin’ love you, Jim Cooper.’

  ‘Smashing. That’ll be Glasgow Green. Get on the main road and get a taxi.’ Now I was scared for both of us. Paula would almost certainly eat anyone who tried to bother her, but I didn’t like the idea of her wandering about Glasgow on her own. It’s a Dear Green Place, but it can also be a Severe Mean Place when it wants to be.

  ‘Tell me you love me,’ she demanded.

  ‘Absolutely, that’s completely true. Can you see any taxis?’ Simon was still standing there, still smiling.

  ‘Not yet,’ Paula said. ‘I’ve got no shoes on. How did that happen?’

  ‘Are they in your hand?’

  There was a pause, then: ‘Yes they are! How did you know that?’

  ‘I’m a good guesser,’ I said. ‘Maybe you should put them on, then get a taxi.’

  ‘Okay, hold on.’ I heard some muffled grunts and a brief c’mere ya fecker. ‘That’s them on. Did you tell me you loved me yet?’

  ‘Yes I did.’

  ‘Just as well for you. Where are you?’

  ‘Kelly’s.’

  ‘There’s one coming, hoy, HOY!’ I pulled the phone away from my ear as Paula yelled, presumably at a taxi. ‘He’s stopping.’

  ‘Excellent. Stay on the phone till you’re on your way then I’d better get back.’ Thank God for that, I thought. She’d soon be headed home and I didn’t think I’d given the game away to Simon. Plus, I had some juicy ammunition to slag Paula off about next time we spoke.

  ‘Aw, you’re worried about me, that’s so sweet.’ I
heard the car door slam shut as Paula spoke to the driver. ‘Cheers, matey. Kelly’s, please. See you in a minute, Jimmy boy!’ She hung up.

  I stood there with the phone at my ear, no idea how best to proceed; Simon was still there beside me with that bloody smile on his face.

  ‘Okay, bye,’ I said to no one.

  ‘Everything all right?’ Simon asked.

  ‘Eh, yeah, fine,’ I said, returning the phone to my pocket. Paula was less than ten minutes away, I had to think fast. How could I get Simon out of there without looking suspicious? I could tell him I had to go and hope he would make tracks too, but knowing him he might decide to go back and psychoanalyse Vincent. I thought about suggesting we moved on to another pub and then doing a runner, but that would probably have ramifications in the longer term.

  ‘Are you after another pint, James?’ Simon said, nodding back towards the door of the pub.

  ‘Eh, I’m . . . not sure.’ Think, for Christ’s sake! ‘Terry, eh, that was Terry on the phone by the way …’ Shit, I’d just outright lied to Simon for the first time. He would know, he would know. I didn’t have any choice but to keep going, though. ‘He, eh, he’s on his way here, but he’s in a bit of a state.’

  ‘What’s the problem?’

  ‘Eh, he’s been dealing with some sexual-orientation issues recently, and things have come to a bit of a head, it seems.’

  ‘Is that so? I could probably help him out with that; I’ve a great deal of experience with people who have problems admitting to the truth about where their attractions lie.’ I tried not to read anything into the knowing look Simon gave me as he said this.

  ‘That’s very kind of you, but I’m not sure he’s ready to speak to anyone else about it yet; I think he’d rather just have a wee chat with me at this, eh, juncture.’ Juncture? I had never used the word ‘juncture’ in my life. Get a grip, Cooper! ‘I’m sorry to cut the night short on you, Simon. You must think I’m terribly rude.’ Terribly rude? What, I’d turned into Colin Firth now?

  Simon looked me in the eye for a second as he came to decision. ‘No, James, you are quite right, we must all look after our friends. You never know when you’ll need the favour returned. I should be getting back anyway, if Declan gets voted out tonight Louise will be inconsolable.’

  ‘Right, yes, okay. Thanks for understanding. Can I phone you a cab?’ I pulled my mobile out again.

  ‘No, no. It’s a fine night; I think I’ll walk for a spell. I’ll keep my shoes on though, unlike Terry. A pleasure as always, James.’

  As I watched him wander up the street my relief was tempered by the distinct impression that Simon hadn’t fallen for my story so much as chosen to let me off the hook. This was not a pleasant feeling.

  Chapter 19

  I found a space at the bar as close to the door but as far away from the still solitary Vincent as possible, and ordered a pint.

  Even with Simon safely gone I was surprisingly nervous about the fact that Paula was on her way. Yes, she’d said she loved me, and I’m pretty sure she meant it, but now I had to live up to that, to prove I deserved it.

  I had a finite amount of time ahead of me to make sure she knew she was making the right decision; not right for me, but for her. There wasn’t even a tiny doubt in my head it was right for me; that in itself was bizarre. Every relationship I’d ever been part of had, in some strange way, been over before it had even started, in my head. If I’m being brutally honest, I had probably been a bit of a bastard to let some of them go as far as they had, when (not too) deep down I had known they were doomed from the outset.

  Even the first time round with Paula I hadn’t been certain, not really. I knew I loved her, but I also knew I was nineteen and didn’t have a clue what life had in mind for me, or what love was, for that matter. Back then, I had been blasé and naïve enough to think that, hard as it was, finishing with Paula wasn’t the end of the world; that it must have been for the best and I was special enough (hah) to be confident that no matter how good it had been with Paula, it could only have ended because something even better was round the corner.

  Unfortunately that corner soon turned into a roundabout.

  For the first few years, I’d put my mind’s insistence on comparing every girl I met to Paula as simply the normal ‘first love is the sweetest’ sentiment they used to sing about in the fifties, and dismissed it. By my mid-twenties, though, I was starting to acknowledge it might be more than that.

  I tried very hard to be in love with other girls. I didn’t want to have a Paula Fraser shaped albatross causing me spinal injuries as it perched on my shoulders; it could be a real passion-killer at times. And so, with every new relationship, I’d start out with such hope that this would be the one to cure my affliction. We’d be happy for six months, a year, two years. But, eventually, you-know-who would bludgeon her way back into my head, and that would be it. It was pish, to be honest.

  Paula coming back was the chance I probably didn’t deserve to make it right, to be with the one woman on Earth I actually, truly, genuinely loved. I could not mess this up, and the hard work would start any minute, when Paula walked through the door of Kelly’s. Thank God she was pissed.

  ‘Are you not supposed to get better looking when I’m steamin’?’

  Paula had inherited her father’s ability to appear out of nowhere and scare the shite out of a person. I jumped at the sound of her voice.

  ‘Hey, you found the place then,’ I said.

  ‘Are you jokin’? Andrea bought me my first slippery-nipple in here when I was sixteen; I used to love this place. Buy us a wine, handsome.’

  ‘So, I am still good looking?’

  ‘Never said you weren’t, just that you’re not better looking.’

  ‘Sorry.’ She was certainly drunk, that was obvious in the way she was teetering slowly towards and then away from me, but her hair wasn’t too windswept and her eyeliner hadn’t run that much. ‘You look great.’

  ‘I doubt that very much, but ta for saying so.’

  I paid for the wine and we found some wall-space in the corner of the pub. ‘Is Terry away then?’ Paula asked.

  ‘I wasn’t with Terry; I was with your dad.’

  Her face froze. ‘He’s not still here is he?’

  ‘No, I managed to persuade him you were Terry and needed to see me in private, but it was close.’

  ‘Jaysus.’ Paula was suddenly sober(er). ‘He didn’t suspect anything?’

  ‘No.’ Of that I was absolutely uncertain, but I didn’t see any point in worrying her.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘Because he was standing right next to me listening to every word I said. I thought you were going to go home, but when you decided to come here I had to come up with something to get rid of him. I think I did pretty well, under the circumstances.’

  Paula looked horrified. ‘Christ, we need to be more careful.’

  I wasn’t so sure the ‘we’ was wholly accurate, but chose not to point this out. ‘It’s okay, we’re fine.’

  ‘This time, maybe.’ She sounded extremely sober now.

  Time for a change of subject.

  ‘By the way, it turns out Terry isn’t gay after all.’

  This seemed to get her mind off our close call. ‘Really? How do you know?’

  ‘Because he spent last night in the arms of a woman, a very energetic woman, by the sounds of things. Turns out he only stopped chatting girls up because he thinks he’s too fat to get anywhere with them.’

  ‘Aw, that’s a shame. Sammy was looking forward to taking him under his wing. He’ll be disappointed.’

  The fact that she had clearly spoken to Sammy and Andrea about Terry made me wonder what else they’d discussed. ‘How did you end up talking about Terry?’

  ‘I don’t know, Sammy was going on about you working in the pub again and I mentioned what you’d said about Terry.’

  ‘So they know we’ve met up, then?’

  ‘Yeah, of
course.’

  ‘And do they know anything about … us?’

  ‘No, I told you, Jim, we can’t tell anyone yet.’ She paused. ‘You didn’t tell Terry, did you?’

  ‘What? No, absolutely not. Pfff.’ Simon was right, I was a rubbish liar and I hoped Paula was inebriated enough not to notice.

  ‘Oh for feck’s sake, you told him, didn’t you?’

  Guess not.

  ‘Okay, I did, sorry. But this is a very big deal for me, Paula, I had to tell someone. You don’t need to worry about him saying anything; he knows how to keep his mouth shut when it matters.’

  Paula looked like she was about to explode for a second, and then she laughed.

  ‘We are a pair of eejits, aren’t we? First you blab to Terry then I phone you when you’re having a pint with my bloody daddy.’

  ‘We’re not the best,’ I said.

  ‘Well done for not wheeling out the puppy-dog look there, by the way.’

  ‘Thanks for noticing.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’ Paula had a furtive look around then reached for my hand. ‘So, what does Terry think?’

  ‘That we’re both mental and it’ll never work in a million years.’

  ‘Yeah, that’s what Andrea and Sammy said, too.’

  ‘Well, I suppose it’s a natural … wait a minute, you told them?’

  She lowered her head and looked up at me with an embarrassed smile. So that’s what the puppy-dog looked like from the other side. It was cute, on her at least.

  ‘Sorry, I couldn’t help it,’ she said.

  ‘We both managed to keep it a secret for less than two days, that’s impressively poor.’ We both laughed. ‘So they think we’re kidding ourselves too, then?’

  ‘Well, Sammy’s all for it. He met Ingo the last time we were over and they didn’t exactly hit it off.’

  ‘How come?’

  Paula sighed. ‘Ingo isn’t as liberally-minded as he could be about certain things. That was a red-rag to Sammy and he turned up the camp factor to eleven. After that Ingo was terrified of him, so Sammy thinks he’s a wimp.’

  ‘You married a homophobe?’

  ‘No, he’s just had a sheltered upbringing. I’m working on him, he’ll get there.’ Pause. ‘I mean, I was working on him and he would have got there. Sorry.’