Scratch

by Gillan, Danny

  That was about as safe a topic as was likely to make an appearance, and I latched on to it.

  ‘Couldn’t agree more. Did he mention they’ve been house hunting?’

  ‘He did not,’ Simon said, turning his attention to Terry. ‘How goes it?’

  ‘Still looking for the right place,’ Terry said. ‘It’s a big step; we need to be sure we’re both happy before we commit.’

  ‘Wise, Terence, very wise,’ Simon said, nodding.

  ‘Yes,’ Ronni said, giving Terry a disapproving look. ‘But we also need to be willing to shift our bums and actually go and see a few flats for ourselves instead of only looking on the net all the time.’

  Simon raised his eyebrows. ‘Is that a problem, Terence?’

  ‘A little bit,’ Terry admitted. I was surprised, thinking this was the sort of conversation he and Ronni should have in private. If he was having second thoughts they wouldn’t want the world and her parents to know about it, surely.

  ‘It’s because you’re lazy, isn’t it?’ Simon said.

  ‘That’s the one,’ Terry said. ‘Who can be bothered traipsing around looking in other people’s bedrooms of an evening? I mean, I can’t wait to get somewhere, I just wish I didn’t have to actually put the work in, you know?’

  ‘A common complaint,’ Simon said. ‘There is a fairly simple solution, though.’

  ‘What’s that?’ Terry said, curious.

  ‘Get off your arse, you indolent big shite.’

  Everyone laughed except for Louise, but even she looked amused in a disapproving way.

  ‘Thank you,’ Ronni said.

  ‘You’re very welcome, Veronica. Do you take my point, Terence?’

  Terry smiled and nodded. ‘As ever, Simon.’

  ‘Good man.’ He scanned the table, choosing his next victim. I thought it was going to be me, but he kept going to my left a bit. ‘And Abe. Would that be short for Abraham?’

  ‘No,’ Abe said.

  ‘I didn’t think so,’ Simon said. He raised his eyebrows and held Abe’s gaze. This would be interesting. I’d have guaranteed almost anyone would cave to Simon Fraser in a stare-off, but I couldn’t be so sure about Abe, inscrutable, perma-stoned bam that he was.

  He lasted an admirable five seconds before he gave in. ‘It’s a nickname from school,’ he said, clearly disgusted with himself. ‘My name’s Alan.’ I was impressed and afraid in equal measure; I had been working alongside Abe for almost three months and I didn’t even know it wasn’t his real name. Simon had got it out of him in two sentences. Then again, he did know more than most about multiple monikers.

  ‘So how did Abe come about?’ Simon asked.

  ‘S’no big deal,’ Abe said. ‘Nothing interesting.’ Embarrassed wasn’t a look I’d seen Abe do before. It felt strange. ‘It was a stupid rhyming thing at school.’

  ‘There aren’t too many words that rhyme with Abe,’ Simon pointed out.

  ‘Aye, I’m aware of that,’ Abe said.

  I thought about it. Simon was right, there weren’t many. I could only think of one, in fact.

  ‘I looked like a fuckin’ baby till I was sixteen, all right?’ Abe said.

  ‘Abe the Babe? Hah!’ I couldn’t stop myself, it just came out.

  ‘Aye, very funny. It was Baby Aby, actually. I was a wee chubby fucker at school, so fuck.’

  You would have to be looking for it to notice, but Louise winced slightly every time Abe opened his mouth.

  ‘You enjoy a swear word, don’t you, Alan?’ said Simon. This guy was merciless.

  ‘They add colour,’ said Abe, defiant.

  ‘I agree,’ said Simon.

  ‘What did you do when you were sixteen?’ said Terry.

  Abe looked at him. ‘Drugs.’

  ‘Really? Which—’

  ‘Terry!’ interrupted Ronni.

  ‘All of them,’ said Abe.

  With the attention elsewhere, I felt safe in sneaking a glance at Paula. She smiled and shrugged in an ‘it could be worse’ way. I shrugged back in an ‘I know what you mean’ way. She raised her eyebrows and did a thing with her nose that said ‘we might just get away with this’. I wiggled various facial muscles in an attempt to agree.

  ‘And James, how are things with you?’ Pish.

  ‘Eh, yeah, good, Simon.’

  ‘Congratulations on your promotion. I’d imagine your parents are pleased.’ Like I said, merciless.

  ‘Haven’t told them yet, Simon. Not because I don’t know how to, only because I’ve just found out myself.’ I think I detected a little defiance of my own there, but I couldn’t be sure.

  ‘I’d imagine they’re pleased anyway,’ Simon said. Now I may very well have read it wrong, but I was almost certain the look Simon gave me had bugger-all to do with my parents, and a lot to do with the fact I was planning to sleep with his daughter in a few days’ time.

  ‘Anyway,’ Sammy said. ‘The next round’s on me. Jim, give me a hand.’

  ‘Okay.’ I accidentally elbowed Terry in the face in my eagerness to get to the bar, but I knew he would understand.

  ‘Are you coping?’ Sam asked when he’d ordered the drinks from Mark.

  ‘Just about,’ I said. ‘I’m more worried about Abe or Terry saying something than me or Paula. Keeping a secret from everyone is a lot easier than only keeping it from a couple of people. Especially when Simon Fraser is one of them.’

  Sammy smiled. ‘You’ll be fine. I’ll get rid of Abe after this drink. Your mate’s your problem, though.’

  ‘Tell me about it. Listen, Sam, I really appreciate the promotion. Just wanted to say that.’

  ‘You’re welcome, don’t screw it up.’

  ‘Do my best,’ I said. ‘About the money—’

  ‘Cheers, Mark,’ Sammy interrupted. He paid for the drinks and winked at me as I lifted the tray. ‘Just relax and enjoy yourself. Remember this won’t be a secret forever; you’re hopefully going to be seeing a lot of Louise and Simon, so I’d suggest you get them to like you instead of sitting there like a schoolboy too scared to ask if he can go to the toilet.’

  ‘Yeah, good point.’ I’d been so caught up in keeping them in the dark that I hadn’t put much thought into the fact that these two were going to be my in-laws before too much longer. Maybe not legally, as Paula was still determined never to darken another chapel aisle and gave me a horrible look if I even mentioned the subject. But, in all other practical senses, Simon and Louise Fraser were going to be part of the family soon, and Sammy’s point about them liking me was a valid one. I knew, however, that Simon would think what he thought of me no matter what I did, so I decided to make it my mission to dazzle Louise with so much charm she would be ecstatic when she finally found out her youngest daughter was going to be violating the will of Christ On High and His Holy Father by living in sin with me for the rest of her blasphemous life.

  ‘And remember,’ Sammy went on, ‘you are allowed to talk to Paula in front of them, it’s not as if they think you don’t know each other.’

  Another good point well made. ‘Yeah, cheers, Sam.’

  ‘So, James,’ Simon said when I sat back down. ‘With regard to your fears that Terence was suppressing his true sexuality; in my opinion your worries were needless. His affection for Veronica is very obviously genuine.’ Father-in-law my arse, fucker-in-law, more like.

  Terry looked at me. Ronni looked at Terry, then me. Kate looked confused. Abe looked like he’d won the lottery.

  ‘Dad!’ Paula said.

  ‘Hah!’ Abe said.

  ‘Huh?’ Kate said.

  ‘Eh,’ I said.

  ‘Oh right, you’re that Terry,’ Sammy said. ‘I can’t believe you got that so wrong, Jim.’ He turned to Terry. ‘I was going to make you a wee project of mine, you know.’

  Terry was still looking at me. ‘Fortunately I’ve already enlightened Ron to your mistaken assumptions, Jim. I’m fairly sure you told me you hadn’t done the same with anyone else.’ He kep
t looking at me, quite angrily.

  ‘Okay, sorry,’ I said. ‘I may have mentioned something to Simon.’

  ‘And Sammy, it would seem.’ God love him, he still had me covered. He must have known I’d told Paula, not Sammy.

  ‘It would … seem that way, yes,’ I said. ‘I was worried about you.’

  ‘You thought he was a poof?’ Abe obviously couldn’t hold his tongue any longer. ‘I thought he was your best mate.’

  ‘He is,’ I said.

  ‘Hmm,’ Terry said. ‘That may be up for re-evaluation.’

  ‘Now, now, Terence,’ Simon said. ‘Misguided and ridiculously unobservant he may have been, but I believe Jim did have your best interests at heart.’

  ‘And when exactly did he talk to you about this, Simon?’

  ‘It was some weeks ago now, in Kelly’s. If it means anything to you, he only divulged his fears after I overheard him on the phone to you. And he was considerate enough to ask me to leave before you arrived, so as not to cause you any embarrassment. It would appear now he had nothing to worry about anyway, and never did. This does make me wonder what you could have said to James on the phone to cause him so much worry.’

  Now Simon and Terry were both looking at me. Actually, everyone at the table was looking at me. It never occurred to me to tell Terry that Simon thought I was meeting him that night. I didn’t think it was likely to come up. Simon’s eyes suggested he almost certainly knew this fact. Terry’s eyes suggested he was considering confirming it.

  ‘Sorry, mate,’ I said.

  ‘Yeah, well,’ Terry said. He made his decision, and it was a good one (for me). ‘I only said I was a bit stressed. I was talking about work, but Jim here got it all wrong as usual. He’s a bit of a wanker that way.’

  ‘I can well believe that,’ Simon said, in a way that told me he didn’t believe a word of it.

  I remembered Sammy’s earlier comment at the bar. ‘I need to go to the toilet,’ I said. ‘Again, sorry about all that, Terry,’

  ‘It’s your round.’ I could see in Terry’s face this was going to cost me a lot more than a pint of lager and a Drambuie.

  ‘I’ll get it on the way back.’

  I was standing in front of the urinal, willing the water flowing out of me to take the panic I still felt with it, when Simon pushed the door open and took up position next to me.

  ‘James.’

  The places where you don’t want to be confronted by a Bruce Lee fanatic who is smarter and bigger than you who also, you’re fairly sure, knows you’re doing things (or intend to soon) with his daughter and lying to him about it, are many and varied. A deserted cliff-top with no railings would be one; a butcher’s knife display where the vendor’s on his coffee break would be another. For me, not being a rambler or much of a knife convention goer, a small pub toilet unzipped and mid-flow was about as scary as it got.

  ‘Simon,’ I said. Stop peeing, I told my bladder, but the bastard didn’t listen.

  Simon unzipped and started a flow of his own.

  Please stop peeing, I pleaded with my plumbing. I’m the first to admit I’ve never had a particularly close relationship with (most of) my organs, but you would hope they’d be there for you when you needed them. But no, my bladder was apparently enjoying its access to the wider world and had no intention of cutting its wee (hah) holiday short.

  ‘I did tell you that you’re a terrible liar, Jim, didn’t I?’

  ‘Yes you did, Simon,’ I said, looking down in disgust. Why did I have to drink four pints of orange and cranberry juice at lunchtime? No such thing as a free gallon of fruit juice, it seemed.

  ‘You’re aware of Paula’s decision about Ingo?’

  ‘I am,’ I said, head still down. My bladder was taking the piss now (yes, I know), I’d never expelled this much liquid in one go in my life.

  ‘Would I be wrong in thinking you’ve been aware of it for longer than Louise and I have?’

  ‘Eh.’ I’d been so busy mentally berating my bladder that I didn’t know if he’d said ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. ‘Perhaps.’

  ‘Perhaps? Interesting,’ Simon said. ‘Would you be open to some well-meant advice, James?’

  ‘Eh, yeah?’

  ‘It’s often the case that a feeling of unfulfilled potential and a desire to right the wrongs of the past can cause people to become a little unfocused, with regard to relationships. It does occasionally happen that revisiting one’s past creates a better, brighter future, but it’s rare, James. It’s very rare. What is both common and real, though, is our innate and overwhelming instinct to protect our own from harm.’

  I acknowledged the threat, but that was the exact point at which I stopped being scared of Simon Fraser. I’ll re-phrase that, that’s when I stopped being as scared of him. He thought I was with Paula because I was looking for vindication or closure, whatever the hell that meant. He thought I was going to use her to sort out my psyche then move on and discard her. And he was so wrong. As if to prove a point, I finished peeing.

  ‘Never going to happen, Simon,’ I said, zipping up. ‘Occasionally it’s the thing that only happens occasionally that happens.’ I didn’t know if that made sense, but I was happy with it.

  ‘Funny, an idiot I know once said that very same thing to me,’ Simon said, but I was halfway out the door and barely heard him.

  ***

  Everyone stayed and everyone got drunk and silly. Sammy didn’t follow through on his promise to get rid of Abe, and Jed joined us with a hearty you’re a bunch of fuckers when he finally figured out Abe had put the kitchen clock back by an hour.

  I even saw Paula smiling (sort of) as she chatted to Kate.

  After my confrontation with Simon in the gents I felt more eager than ever to prove to Louise I was a wonderfully spectacular prospect as a not quite but almost son-in-law even if she had no idea why I was doing it.

  Simon, I noticed, was uncharacteristically subdued as I unleashed my charms on his wife.

  ‘So Louise, I haven’t had the chance to thank you for that wonderful dinner, it really was excellent.’

  Louise looked surprised. ‘Dinner?’ she said. ‘Oh, you mean when you came to the house? Do you know, I’d forgotten all about that.’

  Not the best start, but I ploughed on. ‘It was a while back, but the food was lovely.’

  ‘Well thank you, Jim. If memory serves it was Joe who did the cooking that day, though. You should really be thanking him.’

  ‘Oh, right. Thanks Si-, Joe,’ I said.

  ‘The pleasure was mine, James,’ he said, before returning his attention to whatever Ronni had been saying to him.

  ‘Anyway, Louise,’ I said, getting back to my mission. ‘Did I hear Paula say you were going over to Ireland soon?’

  Paula heard this and spun her head round to look at me. They say telepathy is impossible, but I knew beyond doubt she was thinking what the feck are you doing?

  ‘That’s right,’ Louise said, oblivious to the daggers her daughter’s eyes hurled at me. ‘This weekend, actually.’

  ‘I’ve never been myself, but I hear it’s a beautiful country,’ I said.

  ‘Ah, it is that.’ Louise went all wistful. ‘Bits of it, at any rate.’

  ‘You must miss it. Do you ever regret moving here?’

  Paula stopped throwing daggers and moved up to scimitars and machetes. I smiled and gave her a surreptitious wink. We’re bonding, I tried to tell her silently.

  ‘Oh, well,’ Louise said, her tone sharpening as her smile pinched. ‘I, eh …’

  ‘Mum, did Andrea say what she was doing tonight?’ Paula said quickly, still staring at me. She’d given up on the edged weapons and moved on to heavy ordinance.

  ‘Hmm? Oh, no she didn’t,’ Louise said absently. ‘Sorry. Where are the loos, love?’

  ‘Just at the other side of the bar, Mum.’

  ‘Won’t be a minute.’ When Louise was out of sight Paula checked her dad wasn’t listening and slid along the bench u
ntil she was next to me. ‘You’re a feckin’ idiot,’ she whispered.

  ‘What did I do?’

  ‘She’s been trying to talk my dad into moving back for years, but he won’t budge. It’s the only thing they ever fight about. Now you’ve brought it up she’s going to be miserable for the rest of the night.’

  ‘I didn’t know that, did I?’ It isn’t easy to be petulant and defensive when you’re whispering, but I pulled it off almost as well as Paula was pulling off angry and disgusted.

  ‘Just stop talking to her, okay?’

  ‘I was only trying to be nice,’ I said.

  ‘Well don’t.’

  ‘Now, Paula,’ Simon said, causing Paula and me to freeze instantly. ‘It’s hardly Jim’s fault he doesn’t know our family issues, is it?’ So much for whispering. ‘After all, I’ve seen more of him than you have, and I didn’t mention it.’

  ‘Eh, yeah, I suppose so.’ Paula smiled weakly.

  ‘You’d almost think the pair of you were a couple again, the way you tore into each other there.’

  If I wasn’t already sure, this confirmed to me that Simon knew exactly what was going on. ‘Hah, old habits,’ I said, not fooling anyone.

  ‘Yeah,’ Paula said. ‘He was always easy to shout at.’

  ‘I’m sure he was,’ Simon said. ‘Don’t worry about Louise, James. It’s a slight bone of contention, I’ll grant you, but it’s a familiar one. She’ll be fine.’

  ‘Right, okay,’ I said. ‘Sorry though.’

  And that was the end of the joviality for the evening. Louise told Simon she was ready to go home when she got back from the ladies, and Paula decided to go with them. Neither of the Fraser girls were able to do more than smile politely at me as they left. They both managed a hug for Sammy, though.

  ‘What did you do?’ Terry said when they had left.

  ‘Yeah, big man,’ Jed shouted from three feet away. ‘You threw a fuckin’ welly in the spokes there, mate. Well done.’

  ‘You talked about Ireland, didn’t you?’ Sammy looked almost sympathetic as I nodded. ‘Paula should probably have told you about that one.’

  ‘It would have helped,’ I said. ‘I was only being nice like you said.’