All My Life

by Rucy Ban

  “‘Nuff said,” he says smugly and then tugs on my hand to get me moving again. We climb the stairs to get into the shabby-looking building and I start wondering about what kind of club this really is. I know I don’t have any previous experiences to compare against but this seems very unlike the whole neon signs, brawny bouncers and long lines scenario that I’ve seen countless movies play out.

  As Neil holds the door open for me, I walk in and a blast of music hits my ears. As I step further in, my feet feel the reverberations thrumming from a huge hall located right at the end of a wide corridor. When we finally enter the main hall, it feels like I’ve stepped into a punk fairyland. Crew cuts, dregs, quiffs, mohawks, braided hair in green, blonde, pink, red, blue and sometimes even black. Leather pants, bustiers, jackets, cowboy hats clash with each other in a huge sweaty mass of bodies.

  I stand there at the entrance drowning in my huge overcoat, feeling like the most awkwardly dressed person in the whole room. And it’s not like what I’m wearing under the coat will make me blend right in. Right now even my mask seems way too nerdy for this crowd. These guys seem to have a more eclectic taste in costumes. From gas masks to Halloween to Mick Jagger to Guy Fawkes to Venetian, these guys really know how to wing it.

  I’m still standing there gawking at all the people when all of a sudden a body thunks right into me. “Agghh!” I freeze till I realize it’s just Nalini. She’s wearing a glittery carnival mask but even with that ostentatious get up, her Betty Crocker hairstyle is kind of hard to miss.

  Nalini holds me at an arms length and gives me a once over. Then she shrieks, “Look at you! Come with me quick!” She drags me by my arm and I look back at Neil with an apologetic smile. Only he’s not there. Did he just come here to drop me?! Couldn’t he wait to get his hands on Ms. Stiletto? Christ! Will I have to spend the rest of the evening watching them make out against some wall?! And what had he said? My angel! Asshat.

  Nalini takes me to a restroom that smells strongly of cheap disinfectant. Which is actually not so bad, considering what it’ll smell like a few hours down the line. She takes my overcoat and stuffs it in one of the lockers lining the wall. Then she locks it and hands me the keys.

  “What is this place?” I ask.

  “It’s an abandoned school building! Josiah and some other guys have leased it out for a year. We’re already 200 member strong! Ain’t that awesome!” Nalini sounds even more exuberant than her usual self. For a second, I wonder if she’s high but then I immediately feel guilty at having judged her. Just because I am a social dead beat, didn’t give me any right to criticize others. Still I hope they didn’t have any drugs here.

  “No, we don’t!” Nalini says looking stricken. Shit! Had I said that out loud?! What’s wrong with me?!

  “I’m so sorry! I’m being a bitch, aren’t I?”

  “Yes,” she says with a scowl and then takes a step back again. “Now what do we do to turn your bitch down? Hmm?”

  I look at her in horror. “What do you mean?!”

  In response, she just steps closer and starts undoing the top buttons of my silk top. I freak out and lurch away from her. “Hey! Whattda?!!”

  Nalini’s shoulders slump and she gives me an exaggeratedly weary look. “Jeez! Relax! I don’t go that way and even if I did I wouldn’t hit on you! You’re too vanilla for my taste.”

  “I’m not! What do you mean…too vanilla?!”

  “Plain Jane, Jane Doe, Mary Sue? Rings a bell, Pippi?” she says with her hands on her hips. “Now let me do my work or do you want to spend the rest of the evening looking like a dork?”

  “Alright. Sorry.” I take a grudging step towards her. “Thanks.”

  “Zip the monosyllabic train, Pippi and do a Redeemer for me.”

  It takes me a second to get what she means. Once I do, I stretch my hands out away from my body.

  “Would it hurt if you’d just said ‘do the titanic pose for me?’”

  “Yes, the slash my guts and spill my innards kind,” Nalini replies as she smiles sweetly and starts unbuttoning my shirt again. Three girls who’re dressed like Goths enter the restroom and I try to look as unfazed by what we’re doing, as they seem to be. When they finally leave, Nalini steps back with a satisfied expression and exclaims, “There!”

  I turn to look in the mirror and gasp at my reflection. She’s knotted my shirt tightly in the front and as a result the amount of navel and cleavage that is on display now, is positively criminal. I’ve always been conscious of my boobs and now to practically fling them on everyone’s face?!

  “I look like a slut!!” I shriek in distress. “I can’t go out looking like this!”

  Nalini pushes me towards the door and I hurriedly try to cover as much of my front as I can with my long hair but I’m sure all I succeed in doing is to further accentuate the drop in-between my size D’s. Nalini steers me towards the stage where Josiah and his band are playing. We reach the front row and for a few minutes I stand there feeling self-conscious, looking furtively at Nalini and the other people, most of whom are busy jiving and head-banging to the frantic strumming of Josiah’s guitar.

  After some time I realize something. Nobody cares what I look like. Nobody’s even looking at me! They’re too busy being themselves and enjoying the heck out! That’s when I decide to stop fidgeting with my hair and let myself go. And slowly the pluck of the guitar and the thrum of the drums loosens something inside me. I close my eyes and start swaying, moving, letting the music course through my veins.

  When the song finally finishes I feel pumped up and euphoric. Oh! Wow! What a high!

  As I turn around, I feel the weight of someone’s eyes on me. I look around feeling wary and that’s when I notice him. He’s leaning against a pillar, watching me from the corner of the stage. Neil. My body stills as my eyes lock with his. Even from behind his mask, his gaze scorches my body with a heat that fires up every cell of my being. My legs weaken and I hold on to the stage railing to prevent myself from crumpling to the floor.

  Feeling anxious to put as much distance as I can between his piercing eyes and me, I quickly turn away and try to make a head-way through the crowd. Once out of the throng, I head over to the bar at the back to get some water. Maybe that’ll help me cool off a bit. When I get there, I realize all my money is stashed away in my coat in the locker. Stupid!

  Just as I’m about to turn away from the table, the bartender places a tall glass right in front of me. The glass is brimmed to the top with a flaming orange-red drink. I give him a questioning look and he points to a guy sitting at the other end of the bar. Broad shoulders and muscled arms under a fitted white shirt, this guy is not wearing a mask and he’s cute. But I’ve done enough naïve for a lifetime to be accepting drinks from strangers. He raises his glass and I smile back at him. Then I shake my head and turn to the bartender.

  “Tell him, no thanks. I’m just about to leave.”

  I turn away quickly and hurry off in the direction of the restroom with the firm objective of taking my coat and getting the heck out of here. I’m about five feet away from the door when someone taps me on my shoulder. I halt in my tracks and think – Neil. Christ! I wish I hadn’t listened to Nalini and gone all trollopy. Now I’m so embarrassed I can’t even face him without my face flaming up. Wishing for the nth time in my life that I had the powers of de-materialization, I swing around and come face-to-face with…the stranger from the bar!

  He steps closer and smiles confidently. “Wanna dance?”

  I take a wary step back and shake my head. “Err…no, thanks. I have to go.” I turn to move away but then he puts his hand on my shoulder. My wariness instantly turns to alarm as I realize he’s not one to give up that easily. He comes in front to face me now and persists, “Oh, come on. Just one dance?”

  I’m contemplating whether to kick him on the shin or just throw a hissy fit when a voice booms from behind. “Get your hands off of her!”

  The guy immediately steps away and puts his
hands up in surrender. But even as he does that, that irritating smile doesn’t leave his face. I step back while the lecher finally turns and goes back to the bar. My back hits something solid and I spin around. It’s Neil. He holds me by my shoulders and looks at me, his brow furrowed. “Kari, are you okay?

  Okay? Fine. Excellent. Terrific. And FYI I’m not a darn porcelain doll. I can take care of myself. Of course instead of saying any of those sensible snarky things, I smile goofily and say the stupidest, most inappropriate thing that has ever come out of my mouth, “Just a little hot.”

  I watch as the worry leaves his face and something else replaces it entirely. Heat. His gaze travels down my front and back up to my eyes. Then he gives me this slow, sexy smile.

  “I wouldn’t say little,” he says.

  I’m sure I look like a basted turkey right then, what with the sweat oozing from my pores and the red hot blush spreading across my face and neck. It only gets worse as his smile stretches into a full blown grin, the potency of which is killing. As Neil clasps my hand and leads me towards the bar, I wonder about this strange turn of events. From almost being mauled to being willingly chaperoned, this was turning out to be quite the evening.

  I glug down an entire glass of water and then get conscious of how Neil’s eyes are still watching my every move. I put the glass down firmly and wipe my face with the back of my hand. Okay. Time to make an exit. Only at that exact moment, Josiah’s band starts playing this song. It’s one of my favorites. The beat is edgy, fun and really, really groovy. I feel a cool breath of air on my shoulder. “Dance with me?” Neil says in my ear.

  Oh, whatdahell! One dance wouldn’t kill me! Not with him smelling like that. Spice, lemon and ice. I take a deep breath and nod my head. Neil grins and takes my hand, leading me towards the dance floor.

  We start dancing and damn this guy. He starts swinging it like Travolta and grinding it like Swayze, while all I can do is stare at him with my mouth agape, trying my best to ignore the blatant lustful looks being thrown at him by all the people surrounding us. And when I say people, I mean people. Both girls and guys.

  With a sudden tug, he pulls me towards him and our bodies collide. “Let it go, Angel,” he whispers in my ear as his fingers graze my bare waist and hook into my jeans. I put my hands on his hard biceps and gasp as my breasts press against his chest. And then we start moving. With his thigh between my legs, he guides my body into a rhythm that is wild, erotic and fun. As I lose myself to the beat of the music, my hands trail up his arms to twine around his neck. With his face an inch apart from mine, eyes unwavering, he tracks my each and every move. He dips me, brings me up, holds me close and never lets go. When the song finishes, I don’t know how long we’ve been dancing, I just know that I’ll never be the same again. Can a single dance change someone’s life? Because it certainly feels like it’s changed mine.

  Till now, I’d thought the last year of my life had tainted me forever. But all that seems like such a blip now. My body feels sensual, feral and in complete abandon of any self-loathing or insecurity. And though she be but little, she is fierce. The line comes to me and I smile at the inappropriateness of quoting Shakespeare after just having finished a bout of dirty dancing, no matter how life-changing it had been.

  “Just for that smile, Angel.” I look up to see Neil gazing down at me with a soft look in his eyes. And that’s when I realize. We’re at the edge of an almost deserted dance floor and the music has stopped. Then I realize something else. I’m still joined from chest to hip with Neil’s lean and hard body. I immediately unwind my arms from around his neck and wriggle away from him. He lets me go but then holds my hands instead. What had he said? Just for that smile? Oh God! I’m completely and totally done for.

  I look up at him and he says, “Come with me?”

  “Where?”

  “Trust me?” And I want to. I really do want to. But it’s too soon. Just too soon.

  I let his hand go and shake my head. “I have to get back home.”

  He cocks his head to one side and after staring at me for a few seconds, he finally says, “As you wish, Angel.”

  Then he leads me to the restroom and waits for me right outside while I get my coat.

  Riding back home on Neil’s bike, I feel a bit like Cinderella. The party’s over and my cellar awaits.

  As Neil parks the bike in front of my home, I realize the street’s completely deserted and there’s no one around. The only distant sounds are of the traffic from one of the main roads beyond. It suddenly occurs to me that I’ve never been alone outside so late ever in my life. And also something else. I’ve never been so happy and so sad, right at the same time. I lock this precious memory away in that place in my heart. That place which is still a fledgling. Just beginning to stack up.

  Before the melancholy of the moment overtakes me, I hop off Neil’s bike and stand on the sidewalk. “Thanks…for tonight,” I stutter as he takes the helmet from my outstretched hand. “It was really…awesome.”

  He stars to take off his helmet while I keep spluttering and waving my hands in the air. “I mean really, really spectacular,” I finish lamely, fully aware that I haven’t done any justice to what he gave me tonight.

  Then I feel his arm snaking around my waist and pulling me towards him. It’s an unexpected touch and even though it’s not unwanted, my body still resists. Neil pulls back a bit and looks at me.

  “I…I…” I want to tell him I feel conflicted but I do want this…I really do want this. Every fiber of my body is calling out to him yet my mind defies the need. I open my mouth again to say something, when he suddenly smiles at me. Then he reaches inside his jacket and pulls his mask out. Oh!

  He puts his Batman mask back on and once he’s done, he cocks his head. “You wanted to thank me?” he says through thin pursed lips.

  I beam at him and whip on my mask as well. We stand there grinning at each other for a moment and this time when his arms surround me, my body willingly goes where he wants to take me. Because it’s a really good place to be.

  His lips breathing right on top of mine, his nose grazing my cheek and the scruff of his cheek nibbling my nose. Seconds pass and he doesn’t kiss me. I inch closer to him. Bringing my lips that much closer to his and just when I think he won’t, his lips claim mine and I’m lost in a wave of sensations. Soft, patient, restrained, stoking and then unhinged, urgent and devouring. My lips part as I come up for breath and his tongue delves right in to caress my mouth. I moan as the wave hits me again. My fingers roam through his hair helplessly as his tongue strokes my body into a need so desperate that I lose all inhibition. My hands drift under his jacket. With one bold movement, I pull out his shirt and glide my hands under it, roaming over his hard pecs, his taut stomach. And still it’s not enough. I’m just drifting my hands lower to the waistband of his jeans when I hear the front door creak.

  “Kari?” my Mom’s voice calls out firmly. Neil immediately jerks away but he doesn’t let go of me completely. Holding my hand, he hops off his bike, puts it on the stand and then we both turn towards my Mom. She’s standing on the doorway in her snowy bathrobe with her mad-as-a-hatter look. I can’t believe she came out in this cold to get me. In her bathrobe. And her pink flip-flops.

  “I think you’d be warmer inside. And by you, I mean you. Alone. Inside.”

  God! Could she be more obvious? Then again. Her reaction isn’t totally uncalled for. She caught me trying to disrobe a guy, on the street, right in front of our house!

  “Mom, this is Neil. He’s Agnas’s son. Neil, this is my Mom.”

  Mom’s eyebrows go up for a second as she takes in Neil’s Batman mask and his dubious lineage. But then she quickly marshals her expression. Her convent schooling has long ago whipped out any tactlessness that the rest of us may be prone to.

  “Really? How nice! Won’t you come in?” she asks Neil. Her smile is a little too wide to be sincere and I hope in my heart that I’m the only one who can make that out.
/>
  “No, Ma’am, I should be on my way home but…thank you.” I see my Mom’s eyebrows shoot up again when he addresses her as Ma’am. Then she smiles softly and I let out the breath I’ve been holding.

  “I’ve got to go check up on Agnas,” Neil says and I wince. Uh-oh. Just when he’d been doing so well. A progeny referring to their pro-creator by their first name is never a good thing. At least not in my Mom’s books. Neil turns to me. The back of his hand brushes my cheek and he murmurs, “Goodnight, Angel.” And then he’s off.

  I watch as he rides away but instead of turning left towards his Mom’s house, he passes it and turns the corner. Maybe he parks the bike somewhere else? Maybe he’s going back to the club? But then why didn’t he remove his mask and wear a helmet? Or maybe I’m just an effing idiot for having forgotten all about Ms. Stiletto. The thought is gut-wrenching. Then I realize I’m just standing there looking at an empty street while Mom is probably glaring holes into my skull right about…now. I turn slowly and without looking at her, walk inside the house, scrambling to enter my room to evade the inquisition that’s sure to come. But no such luck. Even in her flip-flops, Mom is faster than a fox on a kill.

  “Angel?” Mom says with a smirk and I cringe. She heard him. Damn!

  “Who does he think he is? Clint Eastwood? Wayne on Batmobile?!”

  “Mom! Cut it out!”

  “No, really. And what was that all about?”

  I feign complete ignorance. “What was what all about?”

  Mom cocks up an eyebrow at me, “Really? This is your mother you’re talking to.”

  I give a deep sigh and slump on the bed. Mom comes and sits next to me.

  After a few seconds, she asks softly, “You like him?”

  I flop back on the bed and stare at the ceiling. “I’m not sure.”

  “Not sure? You could have fooled me! If I hadn’t come out in time, you might have stripped him down to his undies, right in the middle of the street!”

  “Jheezzus! Mom!” I shriek as I cover my face with my hands. “Stop it!”