All My Life

by Rucy Ban

  The moonlight has robbed his hair of its auburn color making it seem so much darker, so much more irresistible. He’s admiring my breasts again and the hunger in his eyes sends a sharp stab of desire through me. I watch as he brings his head closer and rubs his chin, the scruff grazing sharply against the tender underside of my breast. “Uh!” His eyes move up and when he sees me watching him, the smolder in them deepens. But he doesn’t act on it. He keeps looking straight into my eyes just as I gaze in his. And we stay like that…looking at each other, sharing this…moment. This beautiful indescribable moment. Because sometimes it just takes a look. One look to know you’re in for a lifetime. For a million lifetimes. One look and you know you want to experience every single joy, every sorrow, each and every emotion in your life with that one person in front of you. Soul mates.

  Still keeping his eyes locked on mine, Neil moves up till his lips hover just over mine. His expression is so intense, so serious that my breath falters. Then he leans in agonizingly slowly, pausing right above me, letting our breaths mingle, allowing our eyes to do all the talking. I’m excruciatingly aware of each and every place where his body is touching mine and just when I think I’m going to pass out with all the painful anticipation, he cups my face and lowers his lips on top of mine. It begins like a gentle caress but soon turns into an insistent pressure as he wills me to open up. I can do nothing but comply and his tongue delves right in. Then he does such succulent and delicious things that just a few seconds into it and I feel a shuddering wave surging through my limbs. Oh God. I can’t. Not so soon. Not with just a kiss! But as much as I want to deny it my body divulges the signs of what’s about to come. Maybe Neil feels it too because his hand trails down from my breast, to my waist and between our bodies to cup me right there.

  A whimper escapes me as he presses his palm over my jeans, making the ridge rub against me in a tantalizing torture. As he sets up a tormenting rhythm with his tongue and his palm, my hands fist helplessly through his thick hair. The shuddering waves pull me in and my hands go limp and fall on the blanket, clenching it into unrecognizable shapes, as my body soars straight to the heavens and slowly glides back.

  Neil doesn’t stop. He keeps kissing me along my collar bone, my neck, my lips, loving me as my tremors slowly pass away. Then he lays his head on my chest and we just lie there for some time, letting the peace of the moment seep into us. I run my fingers through his thick hair, stare up at the stars and send my gratitude to the heavens above. I had always read, heard about sex and wondered. Would it be this awesome thing to experience like everyone made it out to be? Then all my hopes and dreams were crushed. I used to see couples walking by and would snigger at their short-lived fantasies. But now? Now I know. Everything they said is so true. I can’t let a prick stop me from falling in love. And maybe I’ll forget this feeling someday. Maybe it’ll just be reduced to a memory made up of a flickering gas heater, the salty dew of his skin and the love in his dark, inky eyes. This feeling of pure unadulterated joy. Of reaching a high so potent that your spirit feels like it’s soaring across the universe…and falling from that glorious peak only to find yourself enveloped in someone’s warm caring hands. When you feel like you’ve just died or been born, right at the same time.

  It could be that I’ll forget this feeling someday. But I’m sure it won’t be anytime soon. Maybe when I’m a hundred and looking forward to my lunch of mashed bread. Not one single day before.

  For the first time, I have a spectacular preview of things to come in my life and I’m not willing to forego it. In fact, I am so ready for it to begin.

  I move my fingers from Neil’s hair to his shoulders and shrug off his jacket, gliding my hands under his shirt and over his bare back. When I rake my nails lightly over his skin, I feel him smile against my chest. My hands still as he raises his head to look at me.

  I flutter my eyelashes at him. “What?”

  His voice is husky and sexy-as-hell. “You little wench.”

  “I wouldn’t say little.” I barely finish when he plucks me from the blanket and hefts me up in his arms. Grabbing the back of my head, he pulls me in for a kiss that is wild, deep and intensely passionate.

  Pushed to the very edge and dying to take the plunge, I scramble on my knees to undo the button of my jeans and push them over my hips. He stands up and kicks off his shoes, socks, jeans, his briefs. My appraising gaze drops to the tattoo I inked near his happy trail, rests on him down below and then moves back up to his eyes. And maybe he can’t take what I’m doing to him as well, because he immediately drops to his knees in front of me and snakes his arm around my waist. A breath of happy relief escapes me as he crushes my body to his because finally, we’re skin to skin.

  I let out an inarticulate sound of protest as he breaks apart suddenly and reaches for his jacket. I watch curiously as he digs through the various pockets until I hear the tell-tale crinkle. He pulls the tiny packet out and hands it over to me.

  I accept the challenge even though I can’t quite control the quiver in my hands as I try to peel it open. Then I have to dredge up all my femme fatale reserves to roll it on, over his entire length. But as I’m doing it I realize why he wants me to put it on for him. It’s an act so personal, so intimate, requires such absolute conviction in what we’re about to do that it ceases to feel embarrassing any more.

  His hands land on my shoulders, give them a gentle squeeze and I look up in his eyes.

  His voice is thick and fraught with emotion. “Angel, you know how much I need to love you, to lick every single inch of your skin, take in every inch of you inside me and to just eat you till I pass out from exhaustion?”

  I gasp as the bareness of his words hit me at my very core. Taking that as an affirmation, his lips crush mine and my moan is completely swallowed by his hungry mouth.

  His mouth still meshed to mine, he puts a hand at the small of my back, the other around my shoulder and pushes us down to lie on the blanket. Panting heavily, he breaks off only to drag his wet lips down my neck, my stomach and finally…finally over the cotton of my panties. With a sure deftness, he hooks a finger and drags them down my legs. Carefully lifting my left leg, he hitches it over his shoulder and bares me to himself.

  Strangely, I feel no embarrassment in being so exposed to his gaze. Even though it’s a moonlit night, the darkness cloaking us is heavy, broken only by the ruddy glow of the gas heater towering over us. But then. My lack of awkwardness could also be because of the thoroughness of his earlier efforts. It’s hard to be shy when you’re so fucking turned on.

  Then all conscious thought leaves me as I feel his mouth latching onto me…down there. And there is no uncertainty, no hesitation in the way he goes about it. Just a hard pressure and deep, penetrating, mind-blowingly thorough licks. I whimper, moan, howl, writhe, arch my back, dig my heels into his back, fist up the blanket…all unceasing action till I’m reduced to nothing but a boneless mass of ecstasy.

  When I get my breath back, I tug him up by his shoulders, trying to pull him up to me. He relents and moves up, poising himself between my legs, nudging me right at my entrance. My entire body hums with anticipation. The weight of him above me, his hardness between my legs. It’s an incredible feeling.

  “Open your eyes, Angel,” he whispers into my ear and my eyes fly open. They land on his face and my hands involuntarily come up to cradle it. Tiny beads adorn his forehead, his eyes glisten with love and lust, both in equal measure, his lips tremble with the strain of holding back…the whole spectacular beauty of him takes my breath away. And that’s when I know for sure. I’m ruined. I’ll never be able to look at another guy again and feel this incredible wonder. For me it’ll always be him. Always.

  “Baby,” he whispers in the softest of voices and smiles. When he slips into me, I can’t help but close my eyes as I feel my body resisting the intrusion at first. He pushes in more and the slight pain I feel tells me good things are on their way. I make myself relax and run my fingers through hi
s thick hair, loving this moment, this incredible sense of belonging, this beautiful feeling of completeness. I suck in a breath as he pulls out a bit and thrusts once again, deeper and incredibly fuller. Then he begins to move and I’m adrift in a relentless tide of swirling, peaking and crashing waves. And soon after he comes right along with me.

  We lie there wrapped up in each other with his delicious weight still on top of me. Blissed and breathless, I kiss his glistening forehead, run my fingers through his wet hair and drift off into our own manufactured piece of heaven.

  Chapter Fourteen

  There could not be a morning more perfect than this.

  I don’t want to open my eyes just yet but the incessant nudging is hard to ignore. Mom’s voice filters in through my drugged sleep.

  “Kari! Wake up! Kari…you need to see this…baby, wake up!”

  I snap my eyes open and sit upright on my bed, just in time to see Mom rushing out of the bedroom door. WTF?! I look at my alarm clock. 7 AM. It’s much too early! My first class is scheduled for 11 and…I returned home at 2 last night! I need all the sleep I can get!

  Thank God, I had called Mom to tell her we’d get late. So although she’d waited up to ‘welcome’ me back, she hadn’t gotten on my case about it.

  A memory from last night flashes in my mind and sends shudders through my pleasantly achy body. Riding back, I’d told Neil I was bummed at having missed the movie he’d planned for us to see, though with the giggles interspersed in my sentence I’m sure I failed in portraying my disappointment accurately.

  Still before he’d left, Neil had comforted me by saying he’d signed off a lifetime’s worth of date rights to me and I could avail them any time, any day I wished. Then he promptly sealed off his promise with a kiss that was so phenomenal, it reconfirmed why I’d knighted him with the coveted title of the mad kisser. Oh dear God. I am so completely, utterly and totally in love with that boy.

  My drowsiness now completely gone, I extract myself from the warmth of my bed and the comfort of my fuzzy feelings. I walk out of my room wondering what Mom is so desperate to make me see. I follow the muffled sounds of the television and drudge into the living room. Mom usually watches the morning news of the channel she works for and as expected she’s standing right in front of it now but what startles me is the hand clasped over her mouth, her expression one of disbelief and anger. I turn to watch what has her so riled up and as my eyes fall upon the television, my step falters.

  Eddie’s face is plastered across the wide screen of our television. His lips are moving and he’s saying something to a man sitting right next to him. But I can’t hear what he’s saying. My whole body has gone numb, my ears are ringing with static and all I can see is the twisted sneer on his face and his eyes…his horrible insidious eyes which keep shifting towards the camera. As if he’s making sure it’s on, making sure it’s being broadcasted and being seen…by me.

  So this is it. This is the Monday he threatened me with. The realization hits me hard and brings back all the sounds in a cacophonous rush.

  “…why did she do it?” I hear the man asking him.

  Eddie looks straight at the camera and shrugs. “Just trying to blackmail me…get money out of me, my family. One of those girls, you know? Expensive tastes, pricey habits. But with a single divorced mother…she couldn’t get her hands on any of them. I really feel for her Mom. In spite of her drinking problem, she’s a really nice lady. Very…generous.”

  The final punch lands straight in my gut and I wince at the impact.

  The camera pans out and I get a glimpse of Eddie’s father sitting right beside him. His chin jutting out obstinately, he looks like a man who has everything. Judges he can talk to, police officers he can seek help from, lawyers he can work with.

  I have no hope of ever winning this in a court. Not after this. It’s finished. Everything’s finished. Me, my future, Mom’s career, her reputation, relationships. Every single thing in our life will forever be tainted by this. And Neil? The impact this can have on him? I can never be seen with him. Ever.

  Every breath is an effort I’m too tired to make but I somehow manage to pull in a lungful and walk back to my room. My stride is slow and deliberate because the weight on my chest seems so unbearably heavy that if I walk any faster, all my organs might just collapse in a heap.

  I lock the door of my room and slink back into the protective cushion of my quilt. Maybe If I cover myself well enough, it’ll be like I never existed? Like those people who disappear. All of a sudden. Never to be found again. Maybe the black hole of life will suck me up as well? Because no one benefits from my existence. Absolutely no one.

  I try to cry, to scream into the pillow. But it’s like all the energy in my body is being spent just on keeping it together. A single tear, a single word and I’ll disintegrate into a thousand tiny pieces. I squeeze my eyes shut but I still can’t blank out my sight. My vision fixates on the redness of my eyelids and the vacuous circles that keep floating across its surface. Oh God! Please. Just please. Blind me, kill me, just…just end it. I’m so tired. Too tired to do it on my own.

  I don’t know for how long I lie there wrapped in my gloom. Maybe minutes. Maybe hours. People keep knocking on my door. Voices keep calling out to me. Soft, loud, sad, cajoling, angry, incessant voices. I shut them out just like I’ve blanked out my vision. Maybe this is what those spiritualists mean by a supreme state of being. When nothing ceases to matter. Nothing exists. Just a vast empty space inside me which keeps growing, taking me in, my each and every cell. Every fiber submitting to its infinite numbness. But then isn’t this state supposed to bring something? Something essential…crucial.

  Peace, my heart whispers. I may be able to shut out the world but that’s just me being a coward, isn’t it? There is no elevation in this detachment…unless there is peace.

  “Kari. It’s me, Agnas.” I open my eyes and flinch at the tell-tale weakness in her strong-timbered voice. A silence full of anxious static follows those soft broken words.

  I uncoil my limbs and make myself get up.

  When I open the door, I realize she’s not alone. Mom and Nalini are lurking right behind her. I fight the urge to just slam the door back in its place. I don’t do that, instead I deliberately walk back and sit on my bed. I wait for the intervention to begin. You can do this! It’s just a phase. We’ll get through this. You’re not alone! I already know all the lines they’re going to throw at me.

  “We have a plan.” I look up at Nalini in surprise. In response, she just crosses her hands over her chest and looks at Agnas who nods at me. I look at Mom sitting beside me. She just shrugs, puts her hand on top of mine and squeezes it.

  Eight hours later, we’re in a posh dance club in lower Manhattan. It’s packed with the usual communion of revelers. Busy getting sloshed on sex and success, the crowd is oblivious of the devious play that is being made, right amidst their celebration.

  I watch from an obscure spot as Nalini makes her move. In just 8 hours, Nalini and Agnas have managed to hatch up a plan and even get support from Nalini’s father.

  Though admittedly, the majority of the 8 hours were spent in Nalini trying to persuade her father. I’m not sure how much of the plan she finally shared with him. I do know it’s not much. If he’d known the entire plan they’d come up with, I’m sure he would have never gone along with it.

  As it is, he has done enough to help us get Neil out of jail. Because that was the next blow Eddie gave me. He filed charges against Neil, claiming he had beaten him up without any provocation. Mr. Qureshi arranged a bail bond to get Neil out of jail and back at home, away from the prying eyes of all the media.

  Neil has absolutely no clue about our plan. As far as he knows…I’m at home, Nalini’s at hers and Agnas is at a friend’s place. The only person who knows all our real whereabouts is Mom. And going by the number of calls she’s already made to all our phones, she’s as panicked about this whole thing as I am.

  Goosebu
mps erupt all over my skin as I watch Nalini stagger up to the bar. She’s wearing a slinky outfit that hugs her in all the right places. Tantalizing yet leaving enough to the imagination. She’s pretending to be tipsy and I have to admit, I almost believe her myself. She perches atop a bar stool and calls out obtrusively to the bartender who is busy filling up someone else’s drink. I watch with bated breath as both their heads snap in her direction. Both the bartender’s and…Eddie Jameson’s.

  The bartender immediately rushes to take her order while Eddie does a complete head to toe examination of Nalini. An icy shiver goes down my spine as I watch his eyes graze over her body. I don’t want her to get hurt! I should have never agreed to this. And I’m so sure he’ll know! He’s cunning like that. One look at her bag and he’ll know there’s a camera hidden in there. I remember what Nalini had told me. She’ll get him interested in her and then try to guzzle him up with spiked liquor. A little something she procured from one of Josiah’s friends. She told me it works like a truth serum and after she’s given him a safe amount of that magic potion, she plans on taking him to Josiah’s empty apartment under a very believable pretext of ‘getting to know one another’. There she will try to get him to say something confessional. And then we’ll have a blitz campaign of our very own…to be aired on media the very next day.

  “Nalini’s pulling some serious respect out there,” Agnas mutters and I turn to look at her. She catches my gaze and starts. “What?”

  “Since when did you start talking like that?”

  She shrugs noncommittally. “Since I’ve known I’m going to be dead in a year.”

  I re-install the filter on my mouth and reach for her hand under the table. She grips it tight and I take a deep breath. Thank God for my friends.