The Penny Dreadfuls MEGAPACK™

by Oscar Wilde

  Without saying anything to the servant or each other, they ascended the staircase, and were shown into the apartment where Sir Francis Varney received them.

  “Gentlemen,” said Sir Francis, in his usual bland tone, “you are welcome.”

  “Sir Francis,” said Mr. Chillingworth, “I have come upon matters of some importance; may I crave a separate audience?”

  “And I too,” said Jack Pringle; “I come as the friend of Admiral Bell, I want a private audience; but, stay, I don’t care a rope’s end who knows who I am, or what I come about; say you are ready to name time and place, and I’m as dumb as a figure-head; that is saying something, at all events; and now I’m done.”

  “Why, gentlemen,” said Sir Francis, with a quiet smile, “as you have both come upon the same errand, and as there may arise a controversy upon the point of precedence, you had better be both present, as I must arrange this matter myself upon due inquiry.”

  “I do not exactly understand this,” said Mr. Chillingworth; “do you, Mr. Pringle? perhaps you can enlighten me?”

  “It,” said Jack, “as how you came here upon the same errand as I, and I as you, why we both come about fighting Sir Francis Varney.”

  “Yes,” said Sir Francis; “what Mr. Pringle says, is, I believe correct to a letter. I have a challenge from both your principals, and am ready to give you both the satisfaction you desire, provided the first encounter will permit me the honour of joining in the second. You, Mr. Pringle, are aware of the chances of war?”

  “I should say so,” said Jack, with a wink and a nod of a familiar character. “I’ve seen a few of them.”

  “Will you proceed to make the necessary agreement between you both, gentlemen? My affection for the one equals fully the good will I bear the other, and I cannot give a preference in so delicate a matter; proceed gentlemen.”

  Mr. Chillingworth looked at Jack, and Jack Pringle looked at Mr. Chillingworth, and then the former said—

  “Well, the admiral means fighting, and I am come to settle the necessaries; pray let me know what are your terms, Mr. What-d’ye-call’em.”

  “I am agreeable to anything that is at all reasonable—pistols, I presume?”

  “Sir Francis Varney,” said Mr. Chillingworth, “I cannot consent to carry on this office, unless you can appoint a friend who will settle these matters with us—myself, at least.”

  “And I too,” said Jack Pringle; “we don’t want to bear down an enemy. Admiral Bell ain’t the man to do that, and if he were, I’m not the man to back him in doing what isn’t fair or right; but he won’t do it.”

  “But, gentlemen, this must not be; Mr. Henry Bannerworth must not be disappointed, and Admiral Bell must not be disappointed. Moreover, I have accepted the two cartels, and I am ready and willing to fight;—one at a time, I presume?”

  “Sir Francis, after what you have said, I must take upon myself, on the part of Mr. Henry Bannerworth, to decline meeting you, if you cannot name a friend with whom I can arrange this affair.”

  “Ah!” said Jack Pringle, “that’s right enough. I recollect very well when Jack Mizeu fought Tom Foremast, they had their seconds. Admiral Bell can’t do anything in the dark. No, no, damn me! all must be above board.”

  “Gentlemen,” said Sir Francis Varney, “you see the dilemma I am in. Your principals have both challenged me. I am ready to fight any one, or both of them, as the case may be. Distinctly understand that; because it is a notion of theirs that I will not do so, or that I shrink from them; but I am a stranger in this neighbourhood, and have no one whom I could call upon to relinquish so much, as they run the risk of doing by attending me to the field.”

  “Then your acquaintances are no friends, damn me!” said Jack Pringle, spitting through his teeth into the bars of a beautifully polished grate. “I’d stick to anybody—the devil himself, leave alone a vampire—if so be as how I had been his friends and drunk grog from the same can. They are a set of lubbers.”

  “I have not been here long enough to form any such friendships, Mr. Chillingworth; but can confidently rely upon your honour and that of your principal, and will freely and fairly meet him.”

  “But, Sir Francis, you forget the fact, in transacting, myself for Mr. Bannerworth, and this person or Admiral Bell, we do match, and have our own characters at stake; nay more, our lives and fortunes. These may be small; but they are everything to us. Allow me to say, on my own behalf, that I will not permit my principal to meet you unless you can name a second, as is usual with gentlemen on such occasions.”

  “I regret, while I declare to you my entire willingness to meet you, that I cannot comply through utter inability to do so, with your request. Let this go forth to the world as I have stated it, and let it be an answer to any aspersions that may be uttered as to my unwillingness to fight.”

  There was a pause of some moments. Mr. Chillingworth was resolved that, come of it what would, he would not permit Henry to fight, unless Sir Francis Varney himself should appoint a friend, and then they could meet upon equal terms.

  Jack Pringle whistled, and spit, and chewed and turned his quid—hitched up his trousers, and looked wistfully from one to the other, as he said—

  “So then it’s likely to be no fight at all, Sir Francis what’s-o’-name?”

  “It seems like it, Mr. Pringle,” replied Varney, with a meaning smile; “unless you can be more complaisant towards myself, and kind towards the admiral.”

  “Why, not exactly that,” said Jack; “it’s a pity to stop a good play in the beginning, just because some little thing is wrong in the tackling.”

  “Perhaps your skill and genius may enable us to find some medium course that we may pursue with pleasure and profit. What say you, Mr. Pringle?”

  “All I know about genius, as you call it is the Flying Dutchman, or some such odd out of the way fish. But, as I said, I am not one to spoil sport, nor more is the admiral. Oh, no, we is all true men and good.”

  “I believe it,” said Varney, bowing politely.

  “You needn’t keep your figure-head on the move; I can see you just as well. Howsoever, as I was saying, I don’t like to spoil sport, and sooner than both parties should be disappointed, my principal shall become your second, Sir Francis.”

  “What, Admiral Bell?” exclaimed Varney, lifting his eyebrows with surprise.

  “What, Charles Holland’s uncle!” exclaimed Mr. Chillingworth, in accents of amazement.

  “And why not?” said Jack, with great gravity. “I will pledge my word—Jack Pringle’s word—that Admiral Bell shall be second to Sir Francis Varney, during his scrimmage with Mr. Henry Bannerworth. That will let the matter go on; there can be no back-out then, eh?” continued Jack Pringle, with a knowing nod at Chillingworth as he spoke.

  “That will, I hope, remove your scruples, Mr. Chillingworth,” said Varney, with a courteous smile.

  “But will Admiral Bell do this?”

  “His second says so, and has, I daresay, influence enough with him to induce that person to act in conformity with his promise.”

  “In course he will. Do you think he would be the man to hang back? Oh, no; he would be the last to leave Jack Pringle in the lurch—no. Depend upon it, Sir Francis, he’ll be as sure to do what I say, as I have said it.”

  “After that assurance, I cannot doubt it,” said Sir Francis Varney; “this act of kindness will, indeed, lay me under a deep and lasting obligation to Admiral Bell, which I fear I shall never be able to pay.”

  “You need not trouble yourself about that,” said Jack Pringle; “the admiral will credit all, and you can pay off old scores when his turn comes in the field.”

  “I will not forget,” said Varney; “he deserves every consideration; but now, Mr. Chillingworth, I presume that we may come to some understanding respecting this meeting, which you were so kind as to do me the honour of s
eeking.”

  “I cannot object to its taking place. I shall be most happy to meet your second in the field, and will arrange with him.”

  “I imagine that, under the circumstances, that it will be barely necessary to go to that length of ceremony. Future interviews can be arranged later; name the time and place, and after that we can settle all the rest on the ground.”

  “Yes,” said Jack; “it will be time enough, surely, to see the admiral when we are upon the ground. I’ll warrant the old buffer is a true brick as ever was: there’s no flinching about him.”

  “I am satisfied,” said Varney.

  “And I also,” said Chillingworth; “but, understand, Sir Francis, any default for seconds makes the meeting a blank.”

  “I will not doubt Mr. Pringle’s honour so much as to believe it possible.”

  “I’m damned,” said Jack, “if you ain’t a trump-card, and no mistake; it’s a great pity as you is a wamphigher.”

  “The time, Mr. Chillingworth?”

  “Tomorrow, at seven o’clock,” replied that gentleman.

  “The place, sir?”

  “The best place that I can think of is a level meadow half-way between here and Bannerworth Hall; but that is your privilege, Sir Francis Varney.”

  “I waive it, and am much obliged to you for the choice of the spot; it seems of the best character imaginable. I will be punctual.”

  “I think we have nothing further to arrange now,” said Mr. Chillingworth. “You will meet with Admiral Bell.”

  “Certainly. I believe there is nothing more to be done; this affair is very satisfactorily arranged, and much better than I anticipated.”

  “Good morning, Sir Francis,” said Mr. Chillingworth. “Good morning.”

  “Adieu,” said Sir Francis, with a courteous salutation. “Good day, Mr. Pringle, and commend me to the admiral, whose services will be of infinite value to me.”

  “Don’t mention it,” said Jack; “the admiral’s the man as’d lend any body a helping hand in case of distress like the present; and I’ll pledge my word—Jack Pringle’s too, as that he’ll do what’s right, and give up his turn to Mr. Henry Bannerworth; cause you see he can have his turn arterwards, you know—it’s only waiting awhile.”

  “That’s all,” said Sir Francis.

  Jack Pringle made a sea bow and took his leave, as he followed Mr. Chillingworth, and they both left the house together, to return to Bannerworth Hall.

  “Well,” said Mr. Chillingworth, “I am glad that Sir Francis Varney has got over the difficulty of having no seconds; for it would not be proper or safe to meet a man without a friend for him.”

  “It ain’t the right thing,” said Jack hitching up his trousers; “but I was afeard as how he would back out, and that would be just the wrong thing for the admiral; he’d go raving mad.”

  They had got but very few paces from Sir Francis Varney’s house, when they were joined by Marchdale.

  “Ah,” he said, as he came up, “I see you have been to Sir Francis Varney’s, if I may judge from the direction whence you’re coming, and your proximity.”

  “Yes, we have,” said Mr. Chillingworth. “I thought you had left these parts?”

  “I had intended to do so,” replied Marchdale; “but second thoughts are sometimes best, you know.”

  “Certainly.”

  “I have so much friendship for the family at the hall, that notwithstanding I am compelled to be absent from the mansion itself, yet I cannot quit the neighbourhood while there are circumstances of such a character hanging about them. I will remain, and see if there be not something arising, in which I may be useful to them in some matter.”

  “It is very disinterested of you; you will remain here for some time, I suppose?”

  “Yes, undoubtedly; unless, as I do not anticipate, I should see any occasion to quit my present quarters.”

  “I tell you what it is,” said Jack Pringle; “if you had been here half-an-hour earlier you could have seconded the wamphigher.”

  “Seconded!”

  “Yes, we’re here to challenge.”

  “A double challenge?”

  “Yes; but in confiding this matter to you, Mr. Marchdale, you will make no use of it to the exploding of this affair. By so doing you will seriously damage the honour of Mr. Henry Bannerworth.”

  “I will not, you may rely upon it; but Mr. Chillingworth, do I not see you in the character of a second?”

  “You do, sir.”

  “To Mr. Henry?”

  “The same, sir.”

  “Have you reflected upon the probable consequences of such an act, should any serious mischief occur?”

  “What I have undertaken, Mr. Marchdale, I will go through with; the consequences I have duly considered, and yet you see me in the character of Mr. Henry Bannerworth’s friend.”

  “I am happy to see you as such, and I do not think Henry could find a better. But this is beside the question. What induced me to make the remark was this—had I been at the hall, you will admit that Henry Bannerworth would have chosen myself, without any disparagement to you, Mr. Chillingworth.”

  “Well sir, what then?”

  “Why I am a single man, I can live, reside and go any where; one country will suit me as well as another. I shall suffer no loss, but as for you, you will be ruined in every particular; for if you go in the character of a second, you will not be excused; for all the penalties incurred your profession of a surgeon will not excuse you.”

  “I see all that, sir.”

  “What I propose is, that you should accompany the parties to the field, but in your own proper character of surgeon, and permit me to take that of second to Mr. Bannerworth.”

  “This cannot be done, unless by Mr. Henry Bannerworth’s consent,” said Mr. Chillingworth.

  “Then I will accompany you to Bannerworth Hall, and see Mr. Henry, whom I will request to permit me to do what I have mentioned to you.”

  Mr. Chillingworth could not but admit the reasonableness of this proposal, and it was agreed they should return to Bannerworth Hall in company.

  Here they arrived in a very short time after, and entered together.

  “And now,” said Mr. Chillingworth, “I will go and bring our two principals, who will be as much astonished to find themselves engaged in the same quarrel, as I was to find myself sent on a similar errand to Sir Francis with our friend Mr. John Pringle.”

  “Oh, not John—Jack Pringle, you mean,” said that individual.

  Chillingworth now went in search of Henry, and sent him to the apartment where Mr. Marchdale was with Jack Pringle, and then he found the admiral waiting the return of Jack with impatience.

  “Admiral!” he said, “I perceive you are unwell this morning.”

  “Unwell be damned,” said the admiral, starting up with surprise. “Who ever heard that old admiral Bell looked ill just afore he was going into action? I say it’s a scandalous lie.”

  “Admiral, admiral, I didn’t say you were ill; only you looked ill—a—a little nervous, or so. Rather pale, eh? Is it not so?”

  “Confound you, do you think I want to be physicked? I tell you, I have not a little but a great inclination to give you a good keelhauling. I don’t want a doctor just yet.”

  “But it may not be so long, you know, admiral; but there is Jack Pringle a-waiting you below. Will you go to him? There is a particular reason; he has something to communicate from Sir Francis Varney, I believe.”

  The admiral gave a look of some amazement at Mr. Chillingworth, and then he said, muttering to himself—

  “If Jack Pringle should have betrayed me—but, no; he could not do that, he is too true. I’m sure of Jack; and how did that son of a gallipot hint about the odd fish I sent Jack to?”

  Filled with a dubious kind of belief which he had about
something he had heard of Jack Pringle, he entered the room, where he met Marchdale, Jack Pringle, and Henry Bannerworth. Immediately afterwards, Mr. Chillingworth entered the apartment.

  “I have,” said he, “been to Sir Francis Varney, and there had an interview with him, and with Mr. Pringle; when I found we were both intent upon the same object, namely, an encounter with the knight by our principals.”

  “Eh?” said the admiral.

  “What!” exclaimed Henry; “had he challenged you, admiral?”

  “Challenged me!” exclaimed Admiral Bell, with a round oath. “I—however—since it comes to this, I must admit I challenged him.”

  “That’s what I did,” said Henry Bannerworth, after a moment’s thought; “and I perceive we have both fallen into the same line of conduct.”

  “That is the fact,” said Mr. Chillingworth. “Both Mr. Pringle and I went there to settle the preliminaries, and we found an insurmountable bar to any meeting taking place at all.”

  “He wouldn’t fight, then?” exclaimed Henry. “I see it all now.”

  “Not fight!” said Admiral Bell, with a sort of melancholy disappointment. “Damn the cowardly rascal! Tell me, Jack Pringle, what did the long horse-marine-looking slab say to it? He told me he would fight. Why he ought to be made to stand sentry over the wind.”

  “You challenged him in person, too, I suppose?” said Henry.

  “Yes, confound him! I went there last night.”

  “And I too.”

  “It seems to me,” said Marchdale, “that this affair has been not indiscretely conducted; but somewhat unusually and strangely, to say the least of it.”

  “You see,” said Chillingworth, “Sir Francis was willing to fight both Henry and the admiral, as he told us.”

  “Yes,” said Jack; “he told us he would fight us both, if so be as his light was not doused in the first brush.”

  “That was all that was wanted,” said the admiral.

  “We could expect no more.”

  “But then he desired to meet you without any second; but, of course, I would not accede to this proposal. The responsibility was too great and too unequally borne by the parties engaged in the rencontre.”