The Penny Dreadfuls MEGAPACK™

by Oscar Wilde

  “If your young friend, Mr. Bannerworth, should chance to send a pistol-bullet through any portion of my anatomy, prejudicial to the prolongation of my existence, you will be so good as not to interfere with anything I may have about me, or to make any disturbance whatever.”

  “You may depend I sha’n’t.”

  “Just take the matter perfectly easy—as a thing of course.”

  “Oh! I mean damned easy.”

  “Ha! what a delightful thing is friendship! There is a little knoll or mound of earth midway between here and the Hall. Do you happen to know it? There is one solitary tree glowing near its summit—an oriental looking tree, of the fir tribe, which, fan-like, spreads its deep green leaves; across the azure sky.”

  “Oh! bother it; it’s a damned old tree, growing upon a little bit of a hill, I suppose you mean?”

  “Precisely; only much more poetically expressed. The moon rises at a quarter past four tonight, or rather tomorrow, morning.”

  “Does it?”

  “Yes; and if I should happen to be killed, you will have me removed gently to this mound of earth, and there laid beneath this tree, with my face upwards; and take care that it is done before the moon rises. You can watch that no one interferes.”

  “A likely job. What the deuce do you take me for? I tell you what it is, Mr. Vampire, or Varney, or whatever’s your name, if you should chance to be hit, where-ever you chance to fall, there you’ll lie.”

  “How very unkind.”

  “Uncommon, ain’t it?”

  “Well, well, since that is your determination, I must take care of myself in another way. I can do so, and I will.”

  “Take care of yourself how you like, for all I care; I’ve come here to second you, and to see that, on the honour of a seaman, if you are put out of the world, it’s done in a proper manner, that’s all I have to do with you—now you know.”

  Sir Francis Varney looked after him with a strange kind of smile, as he walked away to make the necessary preparation with Marchdale for the immediate commencement of the contest.

  These were simple and brief. It was agreed that twelve paces should be measured out, six each way, from a fixed point; one six to be paced by the admiral, and the other by Marchdale; then they were to draw lots, to see at which end of this imaginary line Varney was to be placed; after this the signal for firing was to be one, two, three—fire!

  A few minutes sufficed to complete these arrangements; the ground was measured in the manner we have stated, and the combatants placed in their respective positions, Sir Francis Varney occupying the same spot where he had at first stood, namely, that nearest to the little wood, and to his own residence.

  It is impossible that under such circumstances the bravest and the calmest of mankind could fail to feel some slight degree of tremour or uneasiness; and, although we can fairly claim for Henry Bannerworth that he was as truly courageous as any right feeling Christian man could wish to be, yet when it was possible that he stood within, as it were, a hair’s breadth of eternity, a strange world of sensation and emotions found a home in his heart, and he could not look altogether undaunted on that future which might, for all he knew to the contrary, be so close at hand, as far as he was concerned.

  It was not that he feared death, but that he looked with a decent gravity upon so grave a change as that from this world to the next, and hence was it that his face was pale, and that he looked all the emotion which he really felt.

  This was the aspect and the bearing of a brave but not a reckless man; while Sir Francis Varney, on the other hand, seemed, now that he had fairly engaged in the duel, to look upon it and its attendant circumstances with a kind of smirking satisfaction, as if he were far more amused than personally interested.

  This was certainly the more extraordinary after the manner in which he had tried to evade the fight, and, at all events, was quite a sufficient proof that cowardice had not been his actuating motive in so doing.

  The admiral, who stood on a level with him, could not see the sort of expression he wore, or, probably, he would have been far from well pleased; but the others did, and they found something inexpressibly disagreeable in the smirking kind of satisfaction with which the vampire seemed to regard now the proceedings.

  “Confound him,” whispered Marchdale to Henry, “one would think he was quite delighted, instead, as we had imagined him, not well pleased, at these proceedings; look how he grins.”

  “It is no matter,” said Henry; “let him wear what aspect he may, if is the same to me; and, as Heaven is my judge, I here declare, if I did not think myself justified in so doing, I would not raise my hand against this man.”

  “There can be no shadow of a doubt regarding your justification. Have at him, and Heaven protect you.”

  “Amen!”

  The admiral was to give the word to fire, and now he and Marshal having stepped sufficiently on one side to be out of all possible danger from any stray shot, he commenced repeating the signal—

  “Are you ready, gentlemen?—once.”

  They looked sternly at each other, and each grasped his pistol.

  “Twice!”

  Sir Francis Varney smiled and looked around him, as if the affair were one of the most common-place description.

  “Thrice!”

  Varney seemed to be studying the sky rather than attending to the duel.

  “Fire!” said the admiral, and one report only struck upon the ear. It was that from Henry’s pistol.

  All eyes were turned upon Sir Francis Varney, who had evidently reserved his fire, for what purpose could not be devised, except a murderous one, the taking of a more steady aim at Henry.

  Sir Francis, however, seemed in no hurry, but smiled significantly, and gradually raised the point of his weapon.

  “Did you hear the word, Sir Francis? I gave it loud enough, I am sure. I never spoke plainer in my life; did I ever, Jack?”

  “Yes, often,” said Jack Pringle; “what’s the use of your asking such yarns as them? you know you have done so often enough when you wanted grog.”

  “You damned rascal, I’ll—I’ll have your back scored, I will.”

  “So you will, when you are afloat again, which you never will be—you’re paid off, that’s certain.”

  “You lubberly lout, you ain’t a seaman; a seaman would never mutiny against his admiral; howsomever, do you hear, Sir Francis, I’ll give the matter up, if you don’t pay some attention to me.”

  Henry looked steadily at Varney, expecting every moment to feel his bullet. Mr. Marchdale hastily exclaimed that this was not according to usage.

  Sir Francis Varney took no notice, but went on elevating his weapon; when it was perpendicular to the earth he fired in the air.

  “I had not anticipated this,” said Marchdale, as he walked to Henry. “I thought he was taking a more deadly aim.”

  “And I,” said Henry.

  “Ay, you have escaped, Henry; let me congratulate you.”

  “Not so fast; we may fire again.”

  “I can afford to do that,” he said, with a smile.

  “You should have fired, sir, according to custom,” said the admiral; “this is not the proper thing.”

  “What, fire at your friend?”

  “Oh, that’s all very well! You are my friend for a time, vampire as you are, and I intend you shall fire.”

  “If Mr. Henry Bannerworth demands another fire, I have no objection to it, and will fire at him; but as it is I shall not do so, indeed, it would be quite useless for him to do so—to point mortal weapons at me is mere child’s play, they will not hurt me.”

  “The devil they won’t,” said the admiral.

  “Why, look you here,” said Sir Francis Varney, stepping forward and placing his hand to his neckerchief; “look you here; if Mr. Henry Bannerworth should demand another
fire, he may do so with the same bullet.”

  “The same bullet!” said Marchdale, stepping forward—“the same bullet! How is this?”

  “My eyes,” said Jack; “who’d a thought it; there’s a go! Wouldn’t he do for a dummy—to lead a forlorn hope, or to put among the boarders?”

  “Here,” said Sir Francis, handing a bullet to Henry Bannerworth—“here is the bullet you shot at me.”

  Henry looked at it—it was blackened by powder; and then Marchdale seized it and tried it in the pistol, but found the bullet fitted Henry’s weapon.

  “By heavens, it is so!” he exclaimed, stepping back and looking at Varney from top to toe in horror and amazement.

  “Damn me,” said the admiral, “if I understand this. Why Jack Pringle, you dog, here’s a strange fish.”

  “On, no! there’s plenty on ‘um in some countries.”

  “Will you insist upon another fire, or may I consider you satisfied?”

  “I shall object,” said Marchdale. “Henry, this affair must go no further; it would be madness—worse than madness, to fight upon such terms.”

  “So say I,” said the admiral. “I will not have anything to do with you, Sir Francis. I’ll not be your second any longer. I didn’t bargain for such a game as this. You might as well fight with the man in brass armour, at the Lord Mayor’s show, or the champion at a coronation.”

  “Oh!” said Jack Pringle; “a man may as well fire at the back of a halligator as a wamphigher.”

  “This must be considered as having been concluded,” said Mr. Marchdale.

  “No!” said Henry.

  “And wherefore not?”

  “Because I have not received his fire.”

  “Heaven forbid you should.”

  “I may not with honour quit the ground without another fire.”

  “Under ordinary circumstances there might be some shadow of an excuse for your demand; but as it is there is none. You have neither honour nor credit to gain by such an encounter, and, certainly, you can gain no object.”

  “How are we to decide this affair? Am I considered absolved from the accusation under which I lay, of cowardice?” inquired Sir Francis Varney, with a cold smile.

  “Why, as for that,” said the admiral, “I should as soon expect credit for fighting behind a wall, as with a man that I couldn’t hit any more than the moon.”

  “Henry; let me implore you to quit this scene; it can do no good.”

  At this moment, a noise, as of human voices, was heard at a distance; this caused a momentary pause, and, the whole party stood still and listened.

  The murmurs and shouts that now arose in the distance were indistinct and confused.

  “What can all this mean?” said Marchdale; “there is something very strange about it. I cannot imagine a cause for so unusual an occurrence.”

  “Nor I,” said Sir Francis Varney, looking suspiciously at Henry Bannerworth.

  “Upon my honour I know neither what is the cause nor the nature of the sounds themselves.”

  “Then we can easily see what is the matter from yonder hillock,” said the admiral; “and there’s Jack Pringle, he’s up there already. What’s he telegraphing about in that manner, I wonder?”

  The fact was, Jack Pringle, hearing the riot, had thought that if he got to the neighbouring eminence he might possibly ascertain what it was that was the cause of what he termed the “row,” and had succeeded in some degree.

  There were a number of people of all kinds coming out from the village, apparently armed, and shouting. Jack Pringle hitched up his trousers and swore, then took off his hat and began to shout to the admiral, as he said—

  “Damn me, they are too late to spoil the sport. Hilloa! hurrah!”

  “What’s all that about, Jack?” inquired the admiral, as he came puffing along. “What’s the squall about?”

  “Only a few horse-marines and bumboat-women, that have been startled like a company of penguins.”

  “Oh! my eyes! wouldn’t a whole broadside set ’em flying, Jack?”

  “Ay; just as them Frenchmen that you murdered on board the Big Thunderer, as you called it.”

  “I murder them, you rascal?”

  “Yes; there was about five hundred of them killed.”

  “They were only shot.”

  “They were killed, only your conscience tells you it’s uncomfortable.”

  “You rascal—you villain! You ought to be keel-hauled and well payed.”

  “Ay; you’re payed, and paid off as an old hulk.”

  “Damn me—you—you—oh! I wish I had you on board ship, I’d make your lubberly carcass like a union jack, full of red and blue stripes.”

  “Oh! it’s all very well; but if you don’t take to your heels, you’ll have all the old women in the village a whacking on you, that’s all I have to say about it. You’d better port your helm and about ship, or you’ll be keel-hauled.”

  “Damn your—”

  “What’s the matter?” inquired Marchdale, as he arrived.

  “What’s the cause of all the noise we have heard?” said Sir Francis; “has some village festival spontaneously burst forth among the rustics of this place?”

  “I cannot tell the cause of it,” said Henry Bannerworth; “but they seem to me to be coming towards this place.”

  “Indeed!”

  “I think so too,” said Marchdale.

  “With what object?” inquired Sir Francis Varney.

  “No peaceable one,” observed Henry; “for, as far I can observe, they struck across the country, as though they would enclose something, or intercept somebody.”

  “Indeed! but why come here?”

  “If I knew that I could have at once told the cause.”

  “And they appear armed with a variety of odd weapons,” observed Sir Francis; “they mean an attack upon some one! Who is that man with them? he seems to be deprecating their coming.”

  “That appears to be Mr. Chillingworth,” said Henry; “I think that is he.”

  “Yes,” observed the admiral; “I think I know the build of that craft; he’s been in our society before. I always know a ship as soon as I see it.”

  “Does you, though?” said Jack.

  “Yea; what do you mean, eh? let me hear what you’ve got to say against your captain and your admiral, you mutinous dog; you tell me, I say.”

  “So I will; you thought you were fighting a big ship in a fog, and fired a dozen broadsides or so, and it was only the Flying Dutchman, or the devil.”

  “You infernal dog—”

  “Well, you know it was; it might a been our own shadow for all I can tell. Indeed, I think it was.”

  “You think!”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s mutiny; I’ll have no more to do with you, Jack Pringle; you’re no seaman, and have no respect for your officer. Now sheer off, or I’ll cut your yards.”

  “Why, as for my yards, I’ll square ’em presently if I like, you old swab; but as for leaving you, very well; you have said so, and you shall be accommodated, damn me; however, it was not so when your nob was nearly rove through with a boarding pike; it wasn’t ‘I’ll have no more to do with Jack Pringle’ then, it was more t’other.”

  “Well, then, why be so mutinous?”

  “Because you aggrawates me.”

  The cries of the mob became more distinct as they drew nearer to the party, who began to evince some uneasiness as to their object.

  “Surely,” said Marchdale, “Mr. Chillingworth has not named anything respecting the duel that has taken place.”

  “No, no.”

  “But he was to have been here this morning,” said the admiral. “I understood he was to be here in his own character of a surgeon, and yet I have not seen him; have any of you?”

&nb
sp; “No,” said Henry.

  “Then here he comes in the character of conservator of the public peace,” said Varney, coldly; “however, I believe that his errand will be useless since the affair is, I presume, concluded.”

  “Down with the vampire!”

  “Eh!” said the admiral, “eh, what’s that, eh? What did they say?”

  “If you’ll listen they’ll tell you soon enough, I’ll warrant.”

  “May be they will, and yet I’d like to know now.”

  Sir Francis Varney looked significantly at Marchdale, and then waited with downcast eyes for the repetition of the words.

  “Down with the vampire!” resounded on all sides from the people who came rapidly towards them, and converging towards a centre. “Burn, destroy, and kill the vampire! No vampire; burn him out; down with him; kill him!”

  Then came Mr. Chillingworth’s voice, who, with much earnestness, endeavoured to exhort them to moderation, and to refrain from violence.

  Sir Francis Varney became very pale agitated; he immediately turned, and taking the least notice, he made for the wood, which lay between him and his own house, leaving the people in the greatest agitation.

  Mr. Marchdale was not unmoved at this occurrence, but stood his ground with Henry Bannerworth, the admiral, and Jack Pringle, until the mob came very near to them, shouting, and uttering cries of vengeance, and death of all imaginable kinds that it was possible to conceive, against the unpopular vampire.

  Pending the arrival of these infuriated persons, we will, in a few words, state how it was that so suddenly a set of circumstances arose productive of an amount of personal danger to Varney, such as, up to that time, had seemed not at all likely to occur.

  We have before stated there was but one person out of the family of the Bannerworths who was able to say anything of a positive character concerning the singular and inexplicable proceedings at the Hall; and that that person was Mr. Chillingworth, an individual not at all likely to become garrulous upon the subject.

  But, alas! the best of men have their weaknesses, and we much regret to say that Mr. Chillingworth so far in this instance forgot that admirable discretion which commonly belonged to him, as to be the cause of the popular tumult which had now readied such a height.