The Penny Dreadfuls MEGAPACK™

by Oscar Wilde

‘Very well, then, this is the opportunity.’

  ‘If it’s your pleasure, Mr Lupin, I will. You must know, then, Johanna, that Mr Lupin has been kind enough to consent to save my soul on condition that you marry him, and I am quite sure you can have no reasonable objection; indeed, I think it’s the least you can do, whether you have any objection or not.

  ‘Well put,’ said Mr Lupin, ‘excellently well put.’

  ‘Mother,’ said Johanna, ‘if you are so far gone in superstition as to believe this miserable drunkard ought to come between you and heaven, I am not so lost as not to be able to reject the offer with more scorn and contempt than ever I thought I could have entertained for any human being; but hypocrisy never, to my mind, wears so disgusting a garb as when it attires itself in the outward show of religion.’

  ‘This conduct is unbearable,’ cried Mrs Oakley; ‘am I to have one of the Lord’s saints insulted under my own roof?’

  ‘If he were ten times a saint, mother, instead of being nothing but a miserable drunken profligate, it would be better that he should be insulted ten times over, than that you should permit your own child to have passed through the indignity of having to reject such a proposition as that which has just been made. I must claim the protection of my father; he will not suffer one, towards whom he has ever shown his affection, the remembrance of which sinks deep into my heart, to meet with so cruel an insult beneath his roof.’

  ‘That’s right, my dear,’ cried Mr Oakley, at that moment pushing open the parlour door. ‘That’s right, my dear; you never spoke truer words in your life.’

  A faint scream came from Mrs Oakley, and the Rev Mr Lupin immediately seized upon the fresh jug of mulled wine, and finished it at a draught.

  ‘Get behind me, Satan,’ he said. ‘Mr Oakley, you will be damned if you say a word to me.’

  ‘It’s all the same, then,’ said Mr Oakley; ‘for I’ll be damned if I don’t. Then, Ben, Ben, come—come in, Ben.’

  ‘I’m coming,’ said a deep voice, and a man about six feet four inches in height, and nearly two-thirds of that amount in width, entered the parlour. ‘I’m a-coming, Oakley, my boy. Put on your blessed spectacles, and tell me which is the fellow.’

  ‘I could have sworn,’ said Mrs Oakley, as she gave the table a knock, with her fist—‘I could have sworn, sworn when you came in, Oakley—I could have sworn, you little snivelling, shrivelled-up wretch. You’d no more have dared to come into this parlour as never was with those words in your mouth than you’d have dared to have flown, if you hadn’t had your cousin, Big Ben, the beef-eater from the Tower, with you.

  ‘Take it easy, ma’am,’ said Ben, as he sat down in a chair, which immediately broke all to pieces with his weight. ‘Take it easy, ma’am; the devil—what’s this?’

  ‘Never mind, Ben,’ said Mr Oakley; ‘it’s only a chair; get up.’

  ‘A cheer,’ said Ben; ‘do you call that a cheer? but never mind—take it easy.’

  ‘Why, you big, bullying, idle, swilling and guttling ruffian!’

  ‘Go on, ma’am, go on.

  ‘You good-for-nothing lump of carrion; a dog wears his own coat, but you wear your master’s, you great stupid overgrown, lurking hound. You parish brought-up wild beast, go and mind your lions and elephants in the Tower, and don’t come into honest people’s houses, you cutthroat, bullying, pickpocketing wretch.’

  ‘Go on, ma’am, go on.’

  This was a kind of dialogue that could not last, and Mrs Oakley sat down exhausted, and then Ben said, ‘I tell you what, ma’am, I considers you—I looks upon you, ma’am, as a female variety of that ‘ere animal as is very useful and sagacious, ma’am.’

  There was no mistake in this allusion, and Mrs Oakley was about to make some reply, when the Rev Mr Lupin rose from his chair, saying,-

  ‘Bless you all! I think I’ll go home.’

  ‘Not yet, Mr Tulip,’ said Ben; ‘you had better sit down again—we’ve got something to say to you.

  ‘Young man, young man, let me pass. If you do not, you will endanger your soul.’

  ‘I ain’t got none,’ said Ben; ‘I’m only a beefeater, and don’t pretend to such luxuries.’

  ‘The heathen!’ exclaimed Mrs Oakley, ‘the horrid heathen! but there’s one consolation, and that is, that he will be fried in his own fat for everlasting.’

  ‘Oh, that’s nothing,’ said Ben; ‘I think I shall like it, especially if it’s any pleasure to you. I suppose that’s what you call a Christian consolation. Will you sit down, Mr Tulip?’

  ‘My name ain’t Tulip, but Lupin; but if you wish it, I don’t mind sitting down, of course.’

  The beefeater, with a movement of his foot, kicked away the reverend gentleman’s chair, and down he sat with a dab upon the floor.

  ‘My dear,’ said Mr Oakley to Johanna, ‘you go to bed, and then your mother can’t say you have anything to do with this affair. I intend to rid my house of this man. Good night, my dear, good night.’

  Johanna kissed her father on the cheek, and then left the room, not at all sorry that so vigorous a movement was being made for the suppression of Mr Lupin.

  When she was gone, Mrs Oakley spoke, saying, ‘Mr Lupin, I bid you good night, and of course after the rough treatment of these wretches, I can hardly expect you to come again. Good night, Mr Lupin, good night.’

  ‘That’s all very well, ma’am,’ said Ben, ‘but before this ‘ere wild beast of a parson goes away, I want to admonish him. He don’t seem to be wide awake, and I must rouse him up.’

  Ben took hold of the reverend gentleman’s nose, and gave it such an awful pinch that when he took his finger and thumb away, it was perfectly blue.

  ‘Murder, oh murder! my nose! my nose!’ shrieked Mr Lupin, and at that moment Mrs Oakley, who was afraid to attack Ben, gave her husband such an open-handed whack on the side of his head, that the little man reeled again, and saw a great many more lights than the Rev Mr Lupin had done under the influence of the mulled wine.

  ‘Very good,’ said Ben, ‘now we are getting into the thick of it.’

  With this Ben took from his pocket a coil of rope, one end of which was a noose, and that he dexterously threw over Mrs Oakley’s head.

  ‘Murder!’ she shrieked. ‘Oakley, are you going to see me murdered before your eyes?’

  ‘There is such a singing in my ears,’ said Mr Oakley, ‘that I can’t see anything.’

  ‘This is the way,’ said Ben, ‘we manages the wild beastesses when they shuts their ears to all sorts of argument. Now, ma’am, if you please, a little this way.’

  Ben looked about until he found a strong hook in the wall, over which, in consequence of his great height, he was enabled to draw the rope, and then the other end of it he tied securely to the leg of a heavy secretaire that was in the room, so that Mrs Oakley was well secured.

  ‘Murder!’ she cried. ‘Oakley, are you a man, that you stand by and see me treated in this way by a big brute?’

  ‘I can’t see anything,’ said Mr Oakley; ‘there is such a singing in my ears; I told you so before—I can’t see anything.’

  ‘Now, ma’am, you may just say what you like,’ said Ben; ‘it won’t matter a bit, any more than the grumbling of a bear with a sore head; and as for your Mr Tulip, you’ll just get down on your knees, and beg Mr Oakley’s pardon for coming and drinking his tea without his leave, and having the infernal impudence to speak to his daughter.’

  ‘Don’t do it, Mr Lupin,’ cried Mrs Oakley—‘don’t do it.’

  ‘You hear,’ said Ben, ‘what the lady advises. Now, I am quite different; I advise you to do it—for, if you don’t, I shan’t hurt you; but it strikes me I shall be obliged to fall on you and crush you.’

  ‘I think I will,’ said Mr Lupin; ‘the saints were always forced to yield to the Philistines.’

  ‘If you call me any names
,’ said Ben, ‘I’ll just wring your neck.’

  ‘Young man, young man, let me exhort you. Allow me to go, and I will put up prayers for your conversion.

  ‘Confound your impudence! what do you suppose the beasts in the Tower would do, if I was converted? Why, that ‘ere tiger we have had lately, would eat his own tail, to think I had turned out such an ass. Come, I can’t waste any more of my precious time; and if you don’t get down on your knees directly, we’ll see what we can do.’

  ‘I must,’ said Mr Lupin, ‘I must, I suppose’; and down he flopped on his knees.

  ‘Very good; now repeat after me. I am a wolf that stole sheep’s clothing.’

  ‘Yes; I am a wolf that stole sheep’s clothing—the Lord forgive me.’

  ‘Perhaps he may, and perhaps he mayn’t. Now go on—all that’s wirtuous is my loathing.’

  ‘Oh dear, yes—all that’s wirtuous is my loathing.’

  ‘Mr Oakley; I have offended.’

  ‘Yes; I am a miserable sinner, Mr Oakley, I have offended.’

  ‘And ask his pardon, on my bended—’

  ‘Oh dear, yes—I asks his pardon on my bended—The Lord have mercy on us miserable sinners.’

  ‘Knees—I won’t do so more.’

  ‘Yes—knees, I won’t do so more.’

  ‘As sure as I lies on this floor.’

  ‘Yes—as sure as I lies on this floor. Death and the devil, you’ve killed me!’

  Ben took hold of the reverend gentleman by the back of the neck, and pressed his head down upon the floor, until his nose, which had before been such a sufferer, was nearly completely flattened with his face.

  ‘Now; you may go,’ said Ben.

  Mr Lupin scrambled to his feet; but Ben followed him into the passage, and did not yet let him go, until he had accelerated his movements by two hearty kicks. And then the victorious beefeater returned to the parlour.

  ‘Why, Ben,’ said Mr Oakley, ‘you are quite a poet.’

  ‘I believe you, Oakley, my boy,’ said Ben, ‘and now let us be off, and have a pint round the corner.’

  ‘What!’ exclaimed Mrs Oakley, ‘and leave me here, you wretches?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Ben, ‘unless you promises never to be a female variety of the useful animal again, and begs pardon of Mr Oakley, for giving him all this trouble; as for me, I’ll let you off cheap, you shall only have to give me a kiss, and say you loves me.’

  ‘If I do, may I be—’

  ‘Damned, you mean.’

  ‘No, I don’t; choked I was going to say.’

  ‘Then you may be choked, for you have nothing to do but to let your legs go from under you, and you will be hung as comfortable as possible—come along, Oakley.’

  ‘Mr Oakley—stop—stop—don’t leave me here. I am sorry.’

  ‘That’s enough,’ said Mr Oakley; ‘and now, my dear, bear in mind one thing from me. I intend from this time forward to be master in my own house. If you and I are to live together, we must do so on very different terms to what we have been living, and if you won’t make yourself agreeable, Lawyer Hutchins tells me that I can turn you out and give you a maintenance; and, in that case, I’ll have home my sister Rachel to mind house for me; so now you know my determination, and what you have to expect. If you wish to begin, well do so at once, by getting something nice and tasty for Ben’s supper.’

  Mrs Oakley made the required promise, and being released, she set about preparations for the supper in real earnest; but whether she was really subdued or not, we shall, in due time, see.

  CHAPTER TEN

  THE COLONEL AND HIS FRIEND

  Colonel Jeffery was not at all satisfied with the state of affairs, as regarded the disappearance of Mr Thornhill, for whom he entertained a very sincere regard, both on account of the private estimation in which he held him, and on account of actual services rendered by Thornhill to him.

  Not to detain Johanna Oakley in the Temple-gardens, he had stopped his narrative, completely at the point when what concerned her had ceased, and had said nothing of much danger which the ship Neptune and its crew and passengers has gone through, after Mr Thornhill had been taken on board with his dog.

  The fact is, the storm which he had mentioned was only the first of a series of gales of wind that buffeted the ship for some weeks, doing it much damage, and enforcing almost the necessity of puffing in somewhere for repairs.

  But a glance at the map will be sufficient to show, that situated as the Neptune was, the nearest port at which they could at all expect assistance, was the British colony, at the Cape of Good Hope; but such was the contrary nature of the winds and waves, that just upon the evening of a tempestuous day, they found themselves bearing down close in shore, on the eastern coast of Madagascar.

  There was much apprehension that the vessel would strike on a rocky shore; but the water was deep, and the vessel rode well; there was a squall, and they let go both anchors to secure the vessel, as they were so close in shore, lest they should be driven in and stranded.

  It was fortunate they had so secured themselves, for the gale while it lasted blew half a hurricane, and the ship lost some of her masts, and some other trifling damage, which, however, entailed upon them the necessity of remaining there a few days, to cut timber to repair their masts, and to obtain a few supplies.

  There is but little to interest a general reader in the description of a gale. Order after order was given until the masts and spars went one by one, and then the orders for clearing the wreck were given.

  There was much work to be done, and but little pleasure in doing it, for it was wet and miserable while it lasted, and there was the danger of being driven upon a lee shore, and knocked to pieces upon the rocks.

  This danger was averted, and they anchored safe at a very short distance from the shore in comparative safety and security.

  ‘We are safe now,’ remarked the captain, as he gave his second in command charge of the deck, and approached Mr Thornhill and Colonel Jeffery.

  ‘I am happy it is so,’ replied Jeffery.

  ‘Well, captain,’ said Mr Thornhill, ‘I am glad we have done with being knocked about; we are anchored, and the water here appears smooth enough.’

  ‘It is so, and I dare say it will remain so; it is a beautiful basin of deep water—deep and good anchorage; but you see it is not large enough to make a fine harbour.’

  ‘True; but it is rocky.’

  ‘It is; and that may make it sometimes dangerous, though I don’t know that it would be so in some gales. The sea may beat in at the opening, which is deep enough for anything to enter—even Noah’s ark would enter there easily enough.’

  ‘What will you do now?’

  ‘Stay here for a day or so, and send boats ashore to cut some pine trees, to refit the ship with masts.’

  ‘You have no staves, then?’

  ‘Not enough for such a purpose; and we never do go out stored with such things.’

  ‘You obtain them wherever you may go to.’

  ‘Yes, any part of the world will furnish them in some shape or other.’

  ‘When you send ashore, will you permit me to accompany the boat’s crew?’ said Jeffery.

  ‘Certainly; but the natives of this country are violent and intractable, and, should you get into any row with them, there is every probability of your being captured, or some bodily injury done you.’

  ‘But I will take care to avoid that.’

  ‘Very well, colonel, you shall be welcome to go.’

  ‘I must beg the same permission,’ said Mr Thornhill, ‘for I should much like to see the country, as well as to have some acquaintance with the natives themselves.’

  ‘By no means trust yourself alone with them,’ said the captain, ‘for if you live you will have cause to repent it—depend upon what I say.’

&
nbsp; ‘I will,’ said Thornhill; ‘I will go nowhere but where the boat’s company goes.’

  ‘You will be safe then.’

  ‘But do you apprehend any hostile attack from the natives?’ enquired Colonel Jeffery.

  ‘No, I do not expect it; but such things have happened before today, and I have seen them when least expected, though I have been on this coast before, and yet I have never met with any ill-treatment; but there have been many who have touched on this coast, who have had a brush with the natives and come off second best, the natives generally retiring when the ship’s company muster strong in number, and calling out the chiefs, who come down in great force that we may not conquer them.’

  * * * *

  The next morning the boats were ordered out to go ashore with crews, prepared for the cuffing of timber, and obtaining such staves as the ship was in want of.

  With these boats Mr Thornhill and Colonel Jeffery went both of them on board, and after a short ride, they reached the shore of Madagascar.

  It was a beautiful country, and one in which vegetables appeared abundant and luxuriant, and the party in search of timber, for shipbuilding purposes, soon came to some lordly monarchs of the forest, which would have made vessels of themselves.

  But this was not what was wanted; but where the trees grew thicker and taller, they began to cut some tall pine trees down.

  This was the wood they most desired; in fact it was exactly what they wanted; but they hardly got through a few such trees, when the natives came down upon them, apparently to reconnoitre.

  At first they were quiet and tractable enough, but anxious to see and inspect everything, being very inquisitive and curious.

  However, that was easily borne, but at length they became more numerous, and began to pilfer all they could lay their hands upon, which, of course, brought resentment, and after some time a blow or two was exchanged.

  Colonel Jeffery was forward and endeavouring to prevent some violence being offered to one of the woodcutters; in fact, he was interposing himself between the two contending parties, and tried to restore order and peace, but several armed natives rushed suddenly upon him, secured him, and were hurrying him away to death before anyone could stir in his behalf.