Don't Let Me Go

by J. H. Trumble

  She got up, just like before, and left, pulling the door shut behind her. I closed my eyes and tried, for her sake, to forget that momentary failure to observe a well-established boundary. I fixed my eyes again on the ceiling, but my mind was on a memory loop from last night. We hadn’t slept that much, but we had slept, our bodies and our minds exhausted by the intensity of the days and nights leading up to his leaving, sleep dragging us under like a strong tide. I kept trying to remember what it felt like having him next to me, but I couldn’t, because he wasn’t.

  I debated going after her. It wasn’t entirely her fault, this awkwardness between us.

  Chapter 6

  Last October 5

  New boundaries

  Juliet grabbed the front of my shirt and hauled me through Adam’s front door. I lost my balance and stumbled hard against her. I think that was the idea. She threaded her fingers into my hair and pulled my face to hers. She wasn’t going to make this easy.

  We’d known we had to tell her sooner or later. It wasn’t fair to let Juliet keep throwing herself at me while Adam and I explored our feelings for each other behind her back and flirted with the desire—the need, even—to explore each other in a more physical way, something more intimate than an occasional brush in the hallway or a touch when one of us handed the other a pencil or a book. I’d opted for later, but Adam had known her longer and trumped my later with his sooner. This bit of subterfuge we’d just embarked on had been his idea.

  From the kitchen doorway, Adam cleared his throat loudly and she let me go.

  “So, what’s going on?” I asked like I didn’t know.

  “Cupcakes,” Juliet said brightly. “For Mea’s birthday party tomorrow, and you’re going to help.”

  Of course I am. Keeping my face neutral, I trailed her into the kitchen, slipping past Adam, who had stepped into the doorway just enough to force some full-front contact, not that I was complaining. Like Juliet, he was wearing a silly apron, and I lost myself for a moment in a little indulgent and rather sexy apron-only fantasy.

  Juliet smacked me in the stomach with a muffin tin. “What are you smiling about?”

  I shifted my eyes to her and said, “Cupcakes. What else?”

  She gave me a hmph and put us to work. We did her bidding, exchanging quick glances when she wasn’t looking, trying to find an opening, a natural door that we could swing open and let her in, or rather us out. But she babbled on about every little thing under the sun, seemingly oblivious to the fact that we weren’t much engaged.

  “This is never going to work,” I mumbled to Adam as Juliet reached into the refrigerator for cold drinks.

  He glanced toward Juliet, then tweaked my side. “I know. I feel like we’re ganging up on her.”

  “What are you guys whispering about?” Juliet asked.

  Adam looked at me and winked mischievously. “I was just telling Nate how much I wanted to get in his pants.”

  “I actually believe that. Can I watch?”

  “Uh-uh. Private party.”

  Talk about ganging up on her.

  “Well, that’s just selfish.” She dipped a wooden spoon in the bowl of batter and tipped it back with her forefinger.

  “You wouldn’t dare,” he said, laughing.

  And that’s when the batter war started. She did. Then he did. Then they dragged me into it. When it was all said and done, the kitchen looked like a bomb had exploded in a Hershey factory. We collapsed into a slippery chocolate heap on the kitchen floor.

  “I think we’re going to have to start over,” Adam said.

  Juliet cracked up and leaned her head back against the cabinet. “What a mess!”

  “Yep, you made quite a mess here in my mom’s kitchen, little girl.”

  “Shut up.” She punched him playfully in the ribs and then examined the sticky ends of her hair. “Can I borrow your shower and a change of clothes, kind sir?”

  “Absolutely, milady.”

  She hopped to her feet and sashayed to the door. “I expect this kitchen to be spotless when I return. And stay out of Nate’s pants.”

  Adam gave her a salute.

  We sat quietly on the floor for another half minute. I think we were both suddenly, awkwardly, and disturbingly aware that we were alone together.

  Adam looked sideways at me and grinned. “That was fun,” he said.

  “Do you really want to get in my pants?”

  He laughed. “That was just a diversionary tactic, you know, hiding in plain sight. Maybe it’ll give her a new way of thinking about us before we spring the news on her.”

  “So you don’t want to get in my pants?”

  “Hell yes, I want to get in your pants.”

  “Do you want to get in them right now?”

  He narrowed his eyes playfully. “Are you flirting with me?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “I haven’t even kissed you yet.”

  “Yeah, about that. Why haven’t you kissed me?”

  “Why haven’t you kissed me?” he came back.

  “I’m playing hard to get. My grandma says guys like that.”

  “She does? Well, you were hard enough to get already.”

  I was? “So why haven’t you kissed me?”

  “I was waiting until your face was splattered with chocolate so I could lick it off because that would make you mine forever.”

  I swallowed hard.

  “There’re raw eggs in there,” I said stupidly.

  He raised a brow.

  “You can get E. coli from raw eggs.”

  He grinned. “I’ll take my chances.”

  “Then what are you waiting for?”

  He leaned in close, his lips almost touching but not touching. “You are so asking for it.”

  You have no idea, I thought.

  His lips brushed lightly against mine. I held perfectly still, my lips slightly parted, breathing in the smell of him and chocolate, all mixed up together. I wondered if I’d always associate the smell of chocolate with him and this moment.

  “Hey, you guys think you could ...”

  We sprang apart like magnets that had suddenly been flipped like-pole to like-pole.

  She looked from me to Adam, needing only a split second to take it all in. The color drained from her face. It was a moment before she could even speak. “Wow, uh, I’m sorry, this is kind of awkward.” She closed her eyes. “Uh, I’m, uh ...”

  I got to my feet. “Jules.”

  She waved me away. “Don’t.”

  “We need to talk.”

  She laughed a little and started to say something, but then turned and fled the kitchen.

  Adam banged his head against the cabinets.

  “I’ll talk to her,” I said.

  “What are you gonna tell her?”

  I stared off at the door she had slammed shut behind her. “Hell if I know.”

  “The truth is always a good place to start.”

  I found Juliet out by the pool. She was sitting on the side with her feet dangling in the water, but when I approached, she got up to leave.

  I grabbed her arm. “Wait, Jules. Don’t go.”

  She yanked her arm away, but I grabbed it back. “I don’t want to talk to you, Nate.” She sniffed and wiped her nose on the collar of her shirt.

  “You have to talk to me.”

  “The way you talked to me? Huh? Huh? How long has this been going on between you two?”

  “I don’t know. A couple of weeks maybe.” Eighteen days to be exact, more if you included how long I’d been thinking about it.

  “You’ve been letting me make a fool of myself and the whole time you wanted my best friend. And YOU—” She was yelling now so Adam could hear her inside. “YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND! WERE!”

  “It’s not you, Jules.”

  She snorted. “You think I’m upset because you prefer Adam over me. You’re a fucking idiot. YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT TOO, ADAM! I’m not mad about that. Okay, maybe I am a little bit. But
mostly I’m fucking pissed as hell that neither one of you trusted me enough to tell me.”

  She yanked on her arm, but I didn’t let go. “No wonder you wouldn’t ever kiss me back. I just thought you were scared. And I made you touch my boobs. Shit. That must have really freaked you out.”

  She looked back at me, and I shrugged. “Not too much.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Thanks a lot.”

  This time when she yanked her arm away I let her go. She climbed to the top of the rock ledge on the far side of the pool and stuck her feet in the waterfall. I stared after her, caught somewhere between needing to make things right between us and wanting desperately to get back in that kitchen and create some suction between my mouth and Adam’s. We’d been so close. I glanced back at the door, then followed Juliet.

  I rolled up my jeans and dropped my feet in. We sat side by side and stared at the water for a time, neither of us speaking.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you dig guys? I would have totally understood.” She wiped a smear of chocolate from my cheek, then dropped her hand. “You didn’t even give me a chance. God, I feel so stupid.” She looked away.

  “I don’t dig guys,” I mumbled.

  Her head snapped back, her eyebrows practically in her hairline. “I think that train has already left the station, baby.”

  That stung, but I deserved it. Old habits die hard.

  “You still don’t trust me.” She laughed a little again and shook her head. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like the clues haven’t been right in front of my eyes.”

  I frowned and looked at her. “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve seen the looks between you two. Your eyes get all melty whenever you look at him. They don’t melt when you look at me. I wish they did, but ...” She shrugged. “And Adam talks about you a lot, more than I do even.” She bit her lip and shook her head from side to side, then laughed lightly. “I never really believed you were coming to rehearsals to see me, you know. You’re not that good a liar.”

  He talks about me?

  She captured one of my feet with her own and held it up out of the water and studied my toes. “You and Adam. Shit. God, I should have known when he kept asking me questions about you. He’s never talked about a guy like that before.”

  Something locked into place. “Wait. You mean, you knew about Adam?”

  “Well, yeah.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I guess I thought you knew, and”—she shrugged—“it wasn’t mine to tell anyway.” She flung a small rock into the pool. “I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”

  “If it makes you feel any better, that’s what we planned to do tonight. We were just trying to find the right time.”

  “Well, you blew that. I guess when Adam said he wanted to get in your pants, he wasn’t kidding.”

  “I hope not.”

  She shot me a look.

  “Sorry.”

  We were quiet for a few minutes as Juliet came to terms with the changing boundaries in our relationships. I listened to the water splashing into the pool below and let her have whatever time she needed.

  “Nate.”

  I looked up.

  “Have you told anybody?”

  I leaned back on my hands and looked at the black sky, then closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. Finally I shook my head.

  “Why now?”

  “I never had a reason to until now.”

  “He’s a great guy, Nate. The greatest. I wouldn’t trust him to just anyone.”

  “You’d trust him to me?”

  “I already have.”

  “Can I tell you something, Jules? I’m scared to death. I’m scared to death of what’s going to happen when everybody else finds out. I keep thinking maybe they don’t have to. You know, and maybe you knowing ... maybe that’s enough.”

  “I can’t tell you what to do, Nate. But I have to say that all those people you’re worrying about, they’re not worth you losing yourself. You can’t live your life walking on eggshells so you won’t offend other peoples’ sensibilities, or in this case, insensibilities. Don’t pretend your happiness isn’t important. It is. And at the end of the day, that’s all you got.”

  I dropped my head back and stared into the moonlit sky. “I don’t know. It could all explode in my face. It’s not like I can change my mind later. Once it’s done, it’s done.”

  “It’s done already, Nate.” She laid her hand on mine and stroked my fingers. “Give yourselves permission to live and love on your own terms. There are a lot of people out there who will support you. Me, for instance.” She smiled, a little sadly maybe, but she did smile. “You can count on that.”

  We locked eyes. “You don’t have to figure this all out tonight,” she added. “Take baby steps. It’ll all work out.”

  “Thank you,” I said.

  “For what?”

  I thought for a moment before I answered. “For making it okay.”

  She smiled again. “Ain’t nothin’ but a thang.”

  “A thang?” I grinned back for a moment and then grew serious again. “I love you, Jules.” And I knew at that moment that I meant it.

  “What’s not to love,” she teased, giving me a little push. I reached over and pulled her to me. This time the kiss was real—chaste, but truly genuine.

  Adam opened the door. “Is it safe to come out?”

  Juliet flung a rock at him.

  He closed the door behind him. “Good. I thought you might still be mad.”

  He climbed up and sat down behind us and draped his arms around our shoulders.

  “I still hate you,” Juliet said.

  “No, you don’t.” He kissed her cheek and then he kissed mine.

  Chapter 7

  My ringtone startled me awake. Groggy and confused, I fished my phone out of my pocket and pressed the answer key, my eyes still closed, sleep tugging me back toward sweet oblivion.

  “Hello,” I croaked.

  “Nate?” A laugh. “Did I wake you?”

  Immediately I was up. “You’re there!” I sent up a quick prayer of gratitude.

  “I just stepped off the plane. I’m headed down the escalator right now to baggage claim. Were you asleep?”

  I looked around me, then ran my fingers through my hair. “Yeah, I fell asleep on Juliet’s bed.”

  “Juliet’s bed, huh.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “I’m not gone four hours and you’re already in bed ... with a girl?”

  “Yeah, I’m thinking about expanding my options while you’re gone, maybe procreating a little.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “You know I don’t roll that way. Mr. Ratliff sent me home early. I just hung around here to wallow in my misery.”

  He got quiet on the other end.

  “I’m okay,” I assured him, then changed the subject. “Is Justin there to pick you up?”

  He hesitated, obviously deciding whether or not to pursue that okay bit. In the end, he let it go. “He said he’d meet me at passenger pickup after I get my bags. I’ll call and let him know I’m in in just a minute. I wanted to call you first.”

  After some small talk about the flight (long, uneventful, boring, lonely) and the airport (crowded and lonely), he promised to Skype when he got to the apartment. I wanted to keep him on the line, maybe until forever, but he’d forgotten to charge his phone the night before (“Busy, remember?”) and the battery was running low. Reluctantly, I let him go. I closed my eyes and tried to hold on to the sound of his voice in my head, letting it soothe me back to sleep like a lullaby.

  I woke almost three hours later and panicked for a moment, thinking I might have missed Adam’s Skype. But he’d said they were going to the theater first, then probably dinner. It would be early evening before he could get to his computer.

  I found Juliet in the kitchen with her mom, drying lettuce in a salad spinner. Mr. Ratliff was home too. He was draining a metal basket of fried s
hrimp over a pot still popping with hot oil. It was only about four thirty, so I figured he must have left Gary to lock up.

  Mrs. Ratliff gave me a one-arm hug when I came in. “Juliet told me you were having a nap in her room. Better?”

  Not really, but I nodded anyway.

  I watched Juliet empty the water from the spinner, then put the basket of lettuce back in the bowl for another spin. “Here, I’ll do it,” I said, taking the bowl from her. I pumped the button on the lid, and when the lettuce was spinning, I looked at her. “Are we okay?” I mouthed. She grinned sheepishly and mouthed back, “We’re okay.”

  “Here, try this, Nate,” Mr. Ratliff said, and popped a sizzling fried shrimp in my mouth. I had to suck in some air and blow it out a few times before it cooled enough to chew. Juliet giggled and I smiled back. “Yum.”

  “I’m glad you like it,” Mrs. Ratliff said. “You’re staying for dinner. We’re eating early tonight. Mr. Ratliff and I are going to see a movie.”

  I tried to beg off with some lame excuse about my mom and grandmother expecting me, but she insisted I give them a call. I glanced up at the clock and then helplessly at Juliet.

  “I heard your cell earlier. Was that Adam?”

  “Yeah. He got in right on time. He’s gonna Skype when he gets to the apartment this evening.” I tried to send her a meaningful look, a look that conveyed how desperate I was to get home. But she blew me off, and since dinner was almost ready, there was no arguing.

  “Nate’s starting a blog,” Juliet said brightly as she filled four glasses with ice from the dispenser in the refrigerator door.

  “Do you need some help?” Mr. Ratliff asked. He handed me a pitcher of tea. I took a glass from Juliet and poured.

  “I don’t know. I haven’t even looked at it yet. I was thinking about asking a friend of Juliet’s to get me started.”

  That wasn’t exactly true; I hadn’t been thinking about it at all, but it was a thought, and one that caused Juliet’s mouth to widen in a very big grin.

  As we sat down to dinner, Juliet’s parents exchanged a look, and then Mr. Ratliff discreetly pulled the blinds closed, thus shutting out the back patio. I pretended not to notice.