Secondhand Sinners

by Genevieve Lynne

  “That night. Without saying a word. Now she’s married and lives in Dallas.”

  Abby stood up and put her dishes in the sink. “She’s not married.”

  “What?”

  “Divorced.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Mr. Levi. When he got in town last week, he came here to ask you something about a problem with the water at his place. You weren’t here. He said he’d find you. Did he?”

  “He did. Go on. Finish your story.”

  “He was talking while he walked up to the porch. I had my window open, so I could hear him. He was talking on his phone. He said he was sorry about the divorce and that her ex was a…”

  “A what?”

  “Don’t get mad. I’m only repeating what he said. ‘A lying, cheating bastard.’”

  “Are you’re sure he was talking to Emily?”

  Abby pushed away from the counter and headed for the stairs. “Gosh, Dad. You sure are interested in the love life of someone you aren’t interested in.”

  “Are you sure he was talking to Emily?”

  “He said her name. I’m going to go get dressed and do my homework, and then I’ll be ready.”

  “Ready?”

  “Yeah. You said we could take the horses out this weekend. We didn’t get to go yesterday. We’re still going, right? You promised.”

  “Yes. Riding. After lunch. You and me.”

  He sat at the dining table. She’s divorced. That thought terrified and excited him. If he could figure out how to tell Emily the truth and make her understand, then things could be okay. Maybe even better than okay.

  He put his elbows on the table and ran his hand through his hair. He wanted to hate her, but damn her, he still longed to touch her, to kiss her. The last time they’d seen each other, kissed each other, and touched each other was when they were seventeen. It was that same night in September that he’d just told Abby about. Emily snuck out of her house and met him under the willow tree. He wanted to make love to her, but she was crying and told him she was pregnant.

  He was shocked and scared. “Are you sure?”

  “I took a test.”

  His insecurities about her and Daniel's relationship gnawed at him again. “Is it mine?”

  “You know you’re the only person I’ve ever been with.”

  “You and Daniel have been together since sophomore year.”

  She covered her face with her hands and plopped down on a blanket he had waiting for her. He felt bad for making her cry. He sat next to her and pushed her hair out of her face. “I’m sorry, Em. I believe you. I do.”

  She looked at him, her face wet with tears. “I told you. Daniel and I have never been together. This is all a huge mistake. We should never have had sex.”

  She was right, and he knew it was all his fault. He shouldn’t have told her how he really felt that night they were alone in his truck and she prodded him about his relationship with Sara. He certainly shouldn’t have kissed her. But he couldn’t help himself. He had loved Emily since junior high.

  “What do you want to do? Do you want to keep it? We could get married.”

  “I can’t keep it.”

  “Sure you can. Graduation will be here before you know it, and then we can do whatever we want. Can you hide it?”

  Emily lay back on the blanket with her arm folded over her eyes. “I can’t hide it from my mom. She keeps track of my time of the month. I didn’t say I didn’t want to keep it. I would love to have your baby. I said I can’t. There’s no way my mom or dad will let me keep it. If they even think I’ve been having sex, they’ll…”

  “What?”

  “Nothing. They’ll kill me is all. We’re terrible people, Miller.”

  He lay down next to her and propped himself up on his arm. Then he pulled her hand off her face. “Do you love me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Who do you love more? Me or Daniel?”

  “You.”

  “Then we’ll figure something out. If your parents find out, we’ll deal with it. If we talked to them, they might surprise you. I mean, they might be mad at first. Once they got used to the idea, they could be a big support for you. If Daniel finds out, we’ll tell him we didn’t mean for it to happen.”

  “I’ll tell Daniel. He’ll understand. My parents, my whole family, can never find out. Never. Promise me.”

  “I promise.” He put his hand on her stomach. “Are you sure about telling Daniel?”

  “He’ll be okay.”

  “I don’t know. He’s been acting really weird lately. What if he does something crazy?”

  Emily wiped away a tear. “He’ll be okay,” she insisted. “I’ll tell him when he comes over tonight. He’ll be okay. Trust me.”

  “Okay. If you’re sure. I’ll support you no matter what you decide. Don’t make any decisions without me, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Except she had made decisions without him. She told Daniel, and Daniel put a bullet in his neck hours later. Then she was gone. It took a few years for Miller to understand why Emily insisted the baby was his and even told her grandfather as much. She may have wanted him to be the father, but she didn’t really know for sure because she had been having sex with Daniel. It’s possible she put a stop to it at some point. Not soon enough, though, because the baby Emily gave birth to, the baby her grandfather brought to him, the baby who grew up to be that magnificent creature upstairs, was Daniel's child. He had proof.

  ***

  Once the horses were saddled that afternoon, Abby took the lead, straight toward Levi’s place.

  Miller trotted his horse to catch up to her. “I know what you’re doing.”

  “You mean enjoying this beautiful day? Spending time with my father when most girls my age are either huddled around a teen magazine reading tips about how to tongue kiss or with a guy trying out those tips? I want to meet her. I feel sorry for her. First her boyfriend dies, then she runs off and marries a man who cheats on her, then her brother nearly kills her father. Not to mention she has an autistic son.”

  Miller made a mental note to check Abby’s magazines the next time he cleaned her room. “I don’t want to bother her. She’s got enough on her mind without—”

  “A visit from an old friend and his daughter? From what I’ve heard, she could use a visit from a good friend.”

  Abby was a pro at cornering him. She had a good argument for everything, and if he continued to protest, she’d grow suspicious. “Fine. When we get there, stay on your horse, and I’ll see if she feels like having visitors.”

  Fifteen minutes later, Levi’s apartment and old barn, which now had crime scene tape sealing off the front door, came into view. Emily and Jack were outside, walking through the tall grass and searching for something on the ground. Emily would bend over, disappear into the grass for a few seconds, and then stand up and offer something to Jack. He’d inspect it and either put it in the plastic pail she was holding or toss it off into the distance.

  When they got closer, Abby called out, “Hey there!”

  Emily looked up. Her expression was blank. Again. As they approached her, Miller read something in the way she bit her lip and tilted her head. He wasn’t sure what it was, though. He wondered what she was thinking and if she was wondering the same thing about him.

  He worried as Abby smiled and tried to work her charm. He was proud of her for trying. So much of her confidence had taken a blow when Sara left. He didn’t want any rejection from Emily to set her back again. He couldn’t stand to think of Abby shut up in her bedroom, trying to hide her sobbing behind loud music because she was too scared to let him know how sad she really was.

  Abby waved, but Emily merely gazed at her with an expression still fixed in what he decided was either confusion or mistrust. He wished he could send her a telepathic message and beg her to take it easy on his daughter.

  Miller cocked his thumb in Abby’s direction. “You remember my daughter, Abby. She
wanted to meet you.”

  Emily blinked a few times and then looked from Miller to Abby. He was relieved when she finally smiled and reached up to shake Abby’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  Abby reached down. “You too, Ms. Emily.”

  “‘Emily’ is fine. This is Jack.”

  “Okay. Emily and Jack. Thanks.”

  “What are you doing?” Miller asked.

  Emily offered the pail for inspection. “We’re scavenging for rocks to make a solar system. We can’t find a good Jupiter.”

  “I see,” Miller said, inching his horse close enough to get a good look into the pail. “What’s the criteria for a good Jupiter?”

  Emily looked in the pail and then back at Miller. “Hell if I know.”

  “‘Hell if I know,’” Jack repeated, taking the rock that was in Emily’s hand and throwing it into the grass. “Jupiter is 778 million kilometers from the sun.”

  “Gotten any word on your dad or Levi?”

  “Dad’s still in a coma.” She thought for a second and then shrugged. “So’s Mom. As for Levi…I don’t know. I guess I’ll try again tomorrow. Today, we’re staying here and looking for planets.”

  Miller glanced at Abby and knew immediately what she was thinking. He wasn’t fast enough to stop her from acting on it.

  “I know where there are some great rocks for planets, Jack,” she announced. “You wanna go for a ride on my horse with me? I’ll take you to them.”

  Emily shook her head. “Oh, no.”

  Jack’s smiled widened. “Yes!”

  Miller glared at Abby. “That’s rude, Abigail. You should have checked with his mother first.”

  Abby covered her mouth with her hand in what Miller recognized as fake innocence.

  Emily clutched Jack by the shoulders to keep him from running up on the horse. “It’s…he’s never been on a horse, and he’s not good in new situations. He wouldn’t know how to handle himself if anything—”

  Jack was twisting out of Emily’s grasp and yelling, “I wanna ride Abby’s horse! I wanna ride Abby’s horse!”

  “I’m really sorry, but I’ve been riding for years. We won’t go far, just right over there.”

  The horses were starting to spook from Jack’s yelling. Emily looked in the direction Abby had indicated.

  “You could come with us,” Abby said. “Daddy has plenty of room on his saddle for another person.”

  Miller closed his eyes and visualized the padlock he would use to lock his daughter in her room when they got back home. She wasn’t even trying to be subtle. When he opened his eyes, he saw that Emily was losing her grip on Jack. He got off his horse and laid a hand on Jack’s shoulder, which calmed him a bit. “That’s okay, Em. You don’t have to.”

  “He’ll have a fit until I let him.”

  “Let’s give it a try, then. If he doesn’t like it, we’ll all walk back.”

  She nodded. Miller helped Jack up on Abby’s horse, giving her his best we’ll-talk-about-this-later look. Then he climbed on his horse and helped Emily up in front of him.

  “Jack,” Emily said, “listen to Abby and tell her if you need to get down.”

  Abby was already giving him instructions. He didn’t even notice his mom.

  Emily held the horn of the saddle, and Miller reached around her to take the reins. He didn’t know where to put his hands. The last time they were on a horse together, he held the reins with one hand and slid the other under her t-shirt to hold her around her waist. That certainly wasn’t going to happen. Instead, he put his free hand to the side and noted that her shampoo smelled like spearmint.

  Abby was already halfway across the fields helping Jack search the ground for rocks. Miller leaned into Emily and said, “I’m really sorry. Abby doesn’t know about us…you know…from before. She thinks I should start dating, and you look like a pretty good prospect to her. Hell, you’re the only prospect.”

  Emily nodded without saying a word.

  “While she’s busy scanning the ground for a pile of rocks, it might be my only chance to tell you something.”

  Her back stiffened.

  “I’m sorry if I upset you this morning.”

  Again, she silently nodded. Miller read her silence as anger or impatience.

  Up ahead, Abby and Jack walked towards one of the stock ponds. Miller reined in his horse and spoke in her ear, “I’ll get down and go back. You go on ahead with the kids. You can tell them—”

  “No.” Emily reached down. She took his hand and slid it over her stomach. He hooked it around her waist, and she leaned back against his chest. When she laid her head against his shoulder, it was exactly like he remembered it. He wanted it to last forever, so he walked the horse as slow as he could.

  They stayed like that until Jack cried out, “Yes! Jupiter!”

  “I guess we should catch up to them,” Miller said.

  “Yeah.”

  Emily straightened up, and Miller pulled his hand away. After they caught up to the kids, they all spent the next hour rummaging for rocks and wild blackberries. That was Abby’s idea too, God bless her. The whole time, Miller kept noticing a sensation in the hand that had touched Emily’s bare skin. It was some kind of an ache, like when a limb falls asleep and starts to get some feeling back.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Emily

  Emily lay back on Miller’s bed, holding the baseball cap she came upstairs to get for Jack, and stared at the ceiling. What the hell was she doing? She’d been in town for less than twenty-four hours, and she’d already spent more time with Miller than she had with her ex in the last month of their marriage. Why did she do that thing with his hand? She knew her hand was reaching down to take his, knew she was sliding it over her stomach, and the whole time she was thinking: Don’t do it. Do it! Don’t do it. Do it!

  God she was weak. When Abby asked to show Jack her collection of rope knots, she should have refused. Then when she noticed sunburn on Jack’s cheeks, and Miller told her she could get one of his hats from his closet, she should have said they needed to get back to Levi’s.

  But no. There she was, lying on Miller’s bed, holding a baseball cap and relaxing under the breeze of a ceiling fan. If she was being completely truthful, though, she was relieved Jack had a playmate besides herself for a while. Five minutes alone in a room with no talk about cartoons or the solar system was pure bliss.

  She found the cap, and since she was alone in the cool room with no urgent desire to get back to her son, she looked at the books that were stacked on top of Miller’s old dresser and picked up the picture of Sara—the only visible trace of her in the house—that was on the dresser next to the books. She smoothed the dark blue blanket that was lying on Miller’s queen-sized bed and lay down on top of it. She did all that because she could. Because no one, for those few minutes she was alone, needed her. She was so tired. That’s why she was making so many dumb decisions. If she could close her eyes for five minutes, she’d probably stop being so annoyingly agreeable. God, it was quiet. She’d forgotten what it was like to not have the constant hum of city life all around her. She closed her eyes.

  Five minutes, she promised herself. Five minutes.

  ***

  “If they try that again, you run. Run as hard and as far as you can. Don’t look back.”

  “I couldn’t.”

  “Yes you can.”

  “I’ll get lost.”

  “Then I’ll come find you.”

  Emily opened her eyes. Why did she have the dream again? Where was she? What time was it? She couldn’t even remember what day it was. Then it hit her. She’d fallen asleep on Miller’s bed.

  Five minutes. I only wanted five minutes. Jack? Oh shit. Where’s Jack?

  She sat up and rushed out of the room. A head rush hit her as soon as she reached the doorway. She gripped the door jamb to steady herself and took deep breaths until the house stopped spinning. When she got down the stairs, she looked in the living room. No one was t
here. She realized the house was completely quiet. Outside. They must be outside.

  Or at the Emergency Room.

  Emily started for the back door, halting in the kitchen when she noticed some decorated cookies laid out on wax paper on the countertop. They were shaped like planets and stars. She recognized Saturn by the thin strip of dough that made up the ring. She’d given Jack Styrofoam balls, rocks, clay, play-dough and construction paper to make his planets. She’d never thought to use cookie dough with icing and sprinkles.

  Next to the wax paper was a note in Miller’s handwriting:

  Gone Fishing.

  Jack must have been driving them crazy. That was her best-case scenario. She felt so guilty for falling asleep for…she looked at the clock on the microwave.

  Oh God. Three hours?

  Emily rushed out the door and jogged the quarter-mile to the nearest stock pond. Though she’d been gone for fourteen years, she still knew the land. As she got closer, Jack’s screaming pierced the quiet, and she broke into a sprint. She stopped short when she saw Jack sitting in the dirt with a rod in his hand. Miller was behind him, straddling him and helping him reel in his tight line. Jack wasn’t screaming, though. He was laughing. It was marvelous. She wanted him to laugh forever.

  Abby stood behind Miller, cheering Jack on. “Go, Jack! You did it!”

  Jack caught a fish. While sitting in the dirt. Now he’s laughing.

  Emily thought she should walk away before anyone noticed her. She wanted to go somewhere, close her eyes tight, and burn the image into her brain before another fit came and wiped it away. She didn’t, though. She wanted to see him pull his catch in. She had been present for so many gut-wrenching moments in her son’s life: the day the developmental pediatrician said the word autism, the time the autism doctor strapped him to a papoose board and drew seven vials of blood while he screamed, the first time she tried to give him one of those B12 shots and ended up bruising him. Then there was the day he got sent home from kindergarten because someone argued with him over Pluto’s planet status and he ended up having a meltdown in the middle of the cafeteria floor. When she got to school to get him, she found him screaming on the floor of the cafeteria with four bewildered adults standing over him. Now Emily had the chance to be present in a moment when Jack did something a typical kid’s parents took for granted.