Deader Still

by Jordaina Sydney Robinson

  “Good.” Oz stood, looped a chain with his whistle attached back around my neck, and kissed me on the forehead. “I’m going to go and clean up this mess for you now.”

  “Hey, this isn’t my mess,” I said, gesturing around us.

  “So you didn’t stun and bind three innocent men, then assault your assessment leader?” I opened my mouth to answer but he raised a finger in warning before I could speak. “Remember our deal.”

  “I didn’t stun anyone. I only tied up one person and I felt bad about it. And I didn’t attack an assessment leader – I tried to save Sabrina for being shot.” I held my hand out. “Reward please?”

  Oz looked at my outstretched hand, then dug into his pocket. He pulled out a small, yellow tube with a red top and placed it in my outstretched palm. My eyes stretched wide and I clutched it to my chest. Oz laughed. “It’s just lip salve.”

  “It’s not ‘lip salve’, it’s Carmex. You’ve had Carmex in your pocket this whole time and you’ve let me sit here with dry lips? That’s really harsh. I’ve been shot and everything.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “How come this was already in your pocket? What else do you have in there?”

  “I don’t mean to interrupt,” Sabrina said as she appeared at the foot of my makeshift bed and spoke to Oz. “But Officer Leonard wants to talk to you.” Sabrina jerked her head in the direction of the swarm of police and GBs buzzing around the school. “And I’d quite like to talk to my superhero best friend.”

  Oz glanced between us. “Do you think it would be possible if you two could stay out of trouble for a few minutes if I leave you alone?”

  I gestured to my leg. “I’m a cripple now, I don’t see how much trouble I could get into.”

  “It’s a scratch.” Sabrina waved away my complaint and stepped further into my little makeshift cubicle. “You’re going to have an awesome scar, though. The boys’ll love that. Adds a little mystery.” Sabrina grinned at me. The smile slid from her face when she noticed Oz was scowling at her, with his arms folded and feet hip width apart. “Not that Bridget would date until she was out of her probation or without a licence because that would be illegal.”

  “Good to know,” Oz said. He turned back to me and pointed to the bed. “Don’t move from this spot. I’ll be back to take you home in a few minutes.”

  “I’m not a dog you can tell to ‘sit’ and ‘stay’.”

  “I know,” Oz said and turned to walk away, mumbling something about how dogs were obedient and that you could tie them to things.

  Sabrina waited until Oz had walked away and then readjusted the canvas shield the medic had put up to preserve my modesty. She made a thin gap so we could see what was going on and took Oz’s chair on the far side of my bed. We sat in silence watching all the drama unfold. And for my money, there was a lot more drama than there needed to be.

  Officer Leonard was wandering around overseeing the process with another black jumpsuit following him and taking notes. Johnson was issuing orders to his own police force, who were scuttling around like ants. There was a group of constables and two GBs crowded around Tommy, Matthew, and Warren individually. I had no idea why they needed that many law enforcement officials for such simple tasks. All in all, they were making a lot more work than there needed to be.

  “Once again, we found the murderer and saved the day.” Sabrina surveyed the flurry of activity, her lip curling in distaste. “How do you think they’ll punish us for doing their jobs this time?”

  “Maybe they take a hand like they did to thieves in the olden days,” I said.

  “Happy, happy thoughts.” Sabrina nodded. “You don’t think we’ll get a medal for bravery or a key to the city then?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t think we’re that lucky.”

  “I don’t know.” Sabrina briefly pressed her lips together in thought. “We’ve survived two murder sprees. Personally, I think that’s pretty lucky.”

  I thought about that for a moment. “I guess you’re right. Though now you’ve just jinxed us both to be murdered in the next murder spree you drag me into.”

  Sabrina patted the knee of my good leg. “At least we’ll move on to the next stage of this nightmare together.”

  I shook my head at her but smiled. “Always a silver lining.”

  “So what happened?”

  I stared at my leg and then back up at Sabrina.

  Sabrina waved that away. “I meant with the whole chest pain thing. It looked like you were having a heart attack.”

  “Felt like I was having a heart attack.” I shrugged. “The doc gave me the all-clear, though.”

  “Well, that’s reassuring, I suppose,” she said and we continued to watch the activity in silence for a long moment. “So, what are we going to do about you not adjusting to this whole being dead thing?” Sabrina held up her hand before I could speak. “And I know you’re not adjusting or we wouldn’t have had to steal your clothes and makeup back and you wouldn’t have your cloud-shroud-thing.” Sabrina peered through the gap she’d made in the screen to make sure no one was around and then leaned closer to me. “And I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have a pulse.”

  “I need those things in my daily life.”

  “You need your pulse? I can see why. They’re oh-so-handy,” she said. I made a face at her and she laughed. “As your friend I’m duty-bound to point out that we stole testers to paint up your corpse. You could steal a tester a day and build up your collection that way. You could even steal new stuff but you wanted your old makeup back. And your old clothes.”

  “So?”

  “So, that girl died. That girl was going to marry a cheating scumbag because he fit into her neat, perfectly designed life,” Sabrina said and held up her hand again before I could interrupt. “I know you wouldn’t have married him after he cheated on you but you probably would’ve found a pretty identical replacement.”

  “So?”

  “So, that girl was an idiot.”

  I stared at her. “You know I’m the same girl, right?”

  “But you’re not. Dead Bridget foils murderers. Dead Bridget has an awesome right hook. Dead Bridget launches herself on gun-toting murderers to save her friends. Dead Bridget haunts people for a living. Dead Bridget has housemates that sleep on her like she’s a cushion. Dead Bridget has a best friend who tells her the truth. Dead Bridget has a hunky parole officer who I’m certain is pretty sweet on her despite it being highly illegal. Dead Bridget is way better than that other Bridget … so let the other Bridget die.”

  “I’m not giving it all back to The Trollop,” I said after a long moment.

  “Why?” Sabrina asked. “Even with your clothes, your makeup and your ex-finance she’ll never be you. Let her have that dismal little life you left behind. Let that be her punishment. Just think about it, okay?”

  “Fine,” I said on a sigh.

  “Now, I think if we—” Sabrina stopped and turned her whole body to face me. “The doctor checked you over?”

  “Yeah.” I shrugged. “I was unconscious at the time but Oz said he did. Why?”

  Sabrina reached over to start prodding at my neck. “What were you thinking about when your chest hurt?”

  “I’d rather not say.” Sabrina paused in her prodding to lean back and arch an eyebrow at me. “Fine. I was thinking how much happier I am here than I ever was in my life.”

  Sabrina rewarded me with a huge smile and stopped probing my neck. “I think you did have a heart attack.”

  “I’m so pleased you’re happy about that,” I grumbled.

  “You don’t have a pulse anymore.”

  “What?” I started jabbing my neck with my own fingers.

  “Are you digging for treasure?” Tommy asked, standing at the foot of my lounger and watching me jab my fingers into my neck as far as they would go.

  “No.” I stopped and folded my hands in my lap. “I’m just …”

  “Just?” Tommy asked after a pause.

  “Just checking
she doesn’t have a pulse,” Sabrina supplied.

  “Do you?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “No, because I’m well-adjusted.”

  Tommy grinned at me but let the statement pass without comment. “So are you planning on stunning more innocent people?”

  “You’re a law enforcement something, right?” Sabrina asked. “In my book, that makes you anything but innocent.”

  “What she means is we totally abide by all your laws and never do anything illegal,” I said.

  “Except stunning three innocent people, one of whom was injured.” Tommy folded his arms and looked down at us.

  “We were simply protecting ourselves,” Sabrina said while gesturing between us. “So are you a GB or regular police?”

  Tommy shook his head. “I’m not regular police or a GB.”

  “The implication being you’re some other type of law enforcement?” I asked and Tommy shrugged.

  “There’s a secret police force?” Sabrina shook her head. “I don’t like that. I don’t like that at all.”

  “Well, I’m not all that partial to being stunned.” Tommy turned to me. “And I told you I wasn’t the killer.”

  “I know, but as I said, I like you. And I have poor judgement in friends.” I nodded gently in Sabrina’s direction.

  “Hey.” She slapped my bicep with the back of her hand.

  “Did she say why?” I asked, watching the handcuffed Watson being walked out onto the grass by Detective Johnson. “She tried to kill us before she gave us a reason.”

  “It’s annoying when they do that, isn’t it?” Tommy agreed. “Seems she wanted to be free of all the afterlife regulations so she faked her death—”

  “How?” Sabrina interrupted. “How could she fake it?”

  Tommy rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, when they found her body they just assumed she was dead.” Tommy focused his attention on me. “No well-adjusted person here has a pulse so there’s no way to check. And everyone just assumes that everyone else is well-adjusted.”

  “So they just assumed she was dead?” I asked. “There’s no way to tell? That seems to lack a certain, I don’t know, certainty.”

  “Well, why would someone pretend they were dead?” Tommy asked us. “That’s just not the well-adjusted afterlife way. She knew the GBs were suspicious about her own adjustment because she kept failing everyone—”

  “How would she know that?” Sabrina asked.

  Tommy grinned. “Because they told her they were suspicious about how well-adjusted she was because she kept failing everyone.”

  Sabrina turned to me and shook her head. “This place.”

  “Didn’t someone notice her body was gone?” I asked.

  Tommy inclined his head. “The morgue assistants saw a signature on the cremation sheet so they just assumed someone else had done it. Because why would a well-adjusted person …” Tommy motioned with his hand for us to fill in the rest of the sentence.

  “Oh. My. God.” Sabrina’s mouth hung ajar. “You better hope no real criminals come here because you’ll all be screwed!”

  “Will her cases be reopened?” I asked and Tommy nodded.

  “That seems fair,” Sabrina agreed.

  Tommy didn’t say anything, just inclined his head again and looked out over the activity.

  I pointed to his face. “What? What was that expression?”

  Tommy smiled at me and extended his hand. “Bridget, it’s been a genuine pleasure.”

  I shook it. “Tommy, I have very much enjoyed suspecting you of murder.”

  His smile widened. “I hope we meet again soon.”

  Tommy gave Sabrina a salute and headed back into the unnecessary bustle of activity, disappearing into the crowd.

  “First Leonard. Now him. Why do the older guys always like you so much?” Sabrina frowned into the crowd.

  “Absentee father syndrome. It’s like they all sense that I’m in need of being taken care of.”

  Sabrina snorted. “The alive Bridget, maybe. The dead Bridget is a badass.” Sabrina stared out over the crowd. “I’m sorry about pressing on your leg. You were just annoying me with your ‘I’m dying’ talk.”

  “I was annoying you?”

  “You were scaring me.” Sabrina turned to look at me. “Don’t leave me here on my own, Bridge, okay? This isn’t like life. In life, when people die, you move on. But here …”

  I patted her leg. “When I go, I’ll take you with me.”

  “I’d appreciate that.” Sabrina leaned back to look me over. “I wonder if your cloud has gone now you’re oh-so-well-adjusted.”

  “I’ll ask Warren next time I see him.” I frowned at Detective Johnson, who was gesticulating wildly to a group of police officers. It looked like he was directing traffic.

  “Do you think your friend was going to help her escape?” Sabrina said.

  I frowned at her. “My friend?”

  “Eric.”

  “Oh. I think, probably. Since I’m pretty sure the border patrols and the regular rules of the afterlife don’t apply to him he’d be my first choice too.” I pursed my lips. “Although I’d have appreciated a heads-up from him about her not being dead.”

  “Yeah,” Sabrina inclined her head in agreement, “that would’ve been nice. Would’ve been nicer if he’d mentioned that she was still alive, crazy, trying to frame you for her murder, and likely to kill you.”

  “Don’t worry, I plan on having that conversation with him.”

  We watched the activity begin to slow. Oz was talking to Officer Leonard while Johnson kept trying to interrupt. Both Oz and Officer Leonard ignored him.

  “He came scrambling out of the access hatch filthy and panicked. It was adorable. Until he saw you bleeding. He got a little scary then. I think he blamed me.”

  “Well, it was your fault. If you remember I wanted to leave.”

  “I wasn’t the one who shot you.” Sabrina watched Johnson walk away. “Though I don’t think Oz appreciated that distinction either. You want to bet on punishment before lover boy gets here?”

  I ignored the “lover boy” comment. “Maybe it’ll be easy this time.” I shrugged. “We’re dead, we were nearly doubly dead for the second time in a month, and we’re already doing a decade of community service – what’s the worst they can do?”

  “I’d like to point out for the record that it was you who jinxed us this time.”

  “At least we can always go and join Edith as her band of merry outlaws,” I said. It was a wafer-thin slice of a silver lining but at least it was there.

  “Why can I not leave you alone for a minute without you planning something illegal?” Oz spoke from behind me. “It’s as if you’re trying to torment me.”

  Sabrina turned to me. “I thought you were going to put a bell on him?”

  “He promised to stop sneaking up behind me. I mistakenly thought he was a man of his word.”

  “I didn’t sneak. I just walked quietly. And you two were too engrossed in your conversation to notice.” Oz sat next to me on the lounger, his lower back against the side of my lower leg and resting his hand on my bare knee. He did it with such a casual air I wasn’t sure if his hand was somehow as numb as my leg and he couldn’t feel it.

  “You were right in front of us less than ten seconds ago,” I said, waving to where he’d been standing literally moments earlier. “So don’t give me the I-walk-quietly excuse. You tunnelled behind us on purpose.”

  Oz shook his head. “Why would I do that? It’s not like you two are always plotting some illegal mischief that I need to use cunning means to keep on top of.”

  “I think I see Shirley, my parole officer.” Sabrina pointed through the gap and into the crowd.

  Shirley was an elderly lady with a grey bun and a crocheted navy shawl. She looked like someone’s kindly old grandmother. Except for her shrewd eyes. I could see that even from a distance. It was the way she watched the GBs. Not openly hostile but not with love either.
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br />   “What did you tell her?” Sabrina asked Oz.

  Oz shrugged. “Nothing. I figured I’d leave that to you. But you should know that Johnson and Leonard have both spoken to her already.”

  Sabrina mumbled something that sounded like a long string of expletives. “Are we being punished?”

  Oz nodded. “Yep.”

  “Are you going to tell us how?” Sabrina asked.

  “Nope. Shirley wanted that pleasure.”

  Sabrina mumbled something that sounded like another long string of expletives then gave me a quick hug. “See you tomorrow. If I’m still alive.”

  “So?” I asked as Sabrina walked towards Shirley like a woman on her way to the gallows.

  “A century extension on your community service.”

  “A century?” I stared at him. “That’s ridiculous! I’ll never have time to shop.” I put on my best disgusted face but honestly I’d gotten off much lighter than I’d expected. All right, so a century was a long time but I was dead for eternity. What else did I have but time? And I liked Charon. Still, I couldn’t just accept it or Oz might add his own punishment.

  Oz searched my indignant expression for a long moment. The hint of a smile playing around the corners of his mouth told me he was on to me. “And that’s getting off lightly. Apparently someone important vouched for you and Officer Leonard was inclined to agree with them.”

  “And you said being friends with the GBs would get me in trouble.”

  “It will.” Oz crooked a finger under my chin to turn my face back to him. “You need to keep your head down and fly below the radar for a while.”

  “It’s not like I welcome dead bodies falling out at me.” I moved his hand away from my face. With his back against my leg and him touching my face, I’d be spilling all my secrets.

  “I didn’t say that you did. But people are taking notice of you. People you don’t want noticing you.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means we need to work at making you boring.”