Of Course I Love You!: Till I find someone better…

by Durjoy Datta

  ‘Coming back to the question, why didn’t you try to learn anything about languages?’

  Are you kidding me? They are the most boring thing ever.

  ‘Sir, I did not get the time to learn a language.’

  ‘Why? Were you studying for your semester?’ he barely suppressed a chuckle. I just got a feeling I was in for some special treatment. He had just laid his hands on a below-average student with no special talent to speak of.

  ‘No, sir, I was involved in extracurricular activities.’

  ‘What kind of extracurricular activities?’

  Oh. Shit.

  ‘Sir, I have been an active member of the student council and have organized technical and cultural festivals for our college. I have been working with the Society of Automotive Engineers for the last three years …’

  ‘Despite having no interest in mechanical?’

  Oh. No.

  ‘Yes, sir.’ This was getting tiring and frustrating. Even staring at the grotesque mole had become boring.

  ‘Okay. But I don’t see any certificates for any of them,’ the bald guy added gleefully. He would have clapped and done a little jig had he been invisible.

  ‘Sir, I didn’t collect the certificates.’

  ‘Why? Because you didn’t get the time? Or because you didn’t have the interest?’ he smiled.

  Will you shut your filthy mouth?

  That was it. I knew he was not going to hire me.

  ‘Debashish? Any answers? See, you have to be a quick thinker to give an answer, but then mechanical …’

  ‘No, sir. I think I am not fit for the company nor is the company right for me. Thank you, sir. For the exposure I wanted before I sit for other true engineering companies. It was nice meeting you,’ I said condescendingly and walked off fuming.

  It wasn’t the wisest thing to do, but it felt so bloody good. It wasn’t until later that I would realize my mistake. Until then, the huge two-storeyed Mechanical Department canteen beckoned.

  Thanks for the wishes. I had a terrible interview. You obviously don’t care. Please don’t call and irritate me right now.

  The text would reach Smriti just as I stepped into the canteen.

  ‘Heard you had a pretty interesting interview?’ Shrey said as soon as he saw me. More than anything, I was surprised by how fast the news travelled.

  Shrey was sprawled on a concrete bench and his mouth was stuffed with French fries. He was the godfather of the canteen. Every mechanical student knew him and the story. Never did he spend a single paisa there. He fed off what others ordered.

  Shrey had come up with the idea of cutting the water supply to the Electrical Department canteen in a bid to divert the crowd to the newer Mechanical Department canteen. It worked like a dream. College authorities took two months to rectify the problem, by which time the students had already got used to the new canteen.

  ‘I don’t want to talk about the interview. You tell me, how are the formalities going?’

  ‘I went to the French embassy yesterday. You have to see it to believe it. It’s heaven. All those girls in short skirts. I wonder what Paris would be like. I talked to my professor in France. She sounded quite hot, too. That French accent! Just that accent is enough to turn me on,’ he blabbered.

  Heaven for sure. He was soon to be in a place where people would listen to him and not bludgeon him, for they wouldn’t understand the language he spoke. A place where the people would be short-skirted university girls speaking in an infinitely erotic accent. I envied him, even though I knew he had put many months behind this internship. Something I would have never managed.

  ‘So your parents are funding your internship?’ I asked.

  ‘I am getting a scholarship from the French embassy,’ he said.

  ‘What the hell? With that percentage of yours? Why? What did you do?’

  ‘I forged the mark sheet. There is this mammoth machine called exxaccopier at the National Laboratory which charges …’

  ‘Whatever. What about the signatures?’

  ‘I forged that too. That’s what I am telling you. That machine with its meta stable lasers …’

  ‘Are you crazy? What if you get caught?’

  ‘I will either be resting in my grave or be too old to be jailed. The forgeries are perfect. So chill.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes, I am sure.’

  For a few seconds, I wished he would get caught soon. I felt I was missing out on something. French girls in summer dresses and kiss-me accents. I tried not to think about it.

  I told myself it was useless to envy him. The Paris internship was just a small piece of the whole career puzzle. With a percentage like his, he would find it difficult to get placed. Or get into a good university for his masters. Moreover, doing a post-graduation in engineering was unthinkable. The very thought of opening the bonnet and looking at an engine made me queasy enough to take a bus back home. But a foreign internship in the midst of French girls would have done no harm whatsoever to my burgeoning health. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head.

  ‘What does Vandana have to say about it? Is she cool with it? You’re going to be away for two months.’

  ‘She is not someone who reacts easily. Were she to discover I had cancer, the only reaction might be a frown. She is taking it easy,’ he said.

  ‘And you? Won’t you miss her?’

  ‘Naah, I will concentrate better without her calls and texts. I may get laid, too. Finally, I will be among people who won’t go into fits of moral frenzy when it comes to sex. Of all the people of this world, I don’t know why Indians are so uptight about sex! It’s not as if we got to a population of a billion people just by holding hands,’ he said.

  Shrey always acted as if he didn’t love her much, since it is cool not to be head over heels in love with somebody. Just because he had a few flings behind Vandana’s back didn’t mean he wasn’t in love with her. Yes, they hadn’t slept together yet. He never tried convincing her. He loved her. I am convinced Shrey wanted his first time to be with Vandana, and that’s why his flings never went beyond certain boundaries. His ideals were perfect even in their imperfections.

  ‘Best of luck, man! But trust me, you will miss her.’

  ‘No, I won’t. In fact, I will devote all my time to football and image processing. I have to read a lot too. I will try a little bit of photography, too. It’s not a tough thing to do if you ask me. A sunset, a crying child, a poor old woman … anything looks good if your camera is good. Take big prints in black and white and you are on your way. And with my modified camera and these focusers brought in direct from Sweden …’ And it went on. Nothing short of spectacular could ever happen to him, or so he thought.

  ‘So, when are you leaving?’ I asked.

  ‘In a month, I guess. Damn! I have to get a paper signed from the principal. You coming?’ He got up frantically. I was sure he was late by at least a week.

  ‘Naah! Vernita just messaged. She is coming here.’

  ‘Bye, then. Catch you later. That girl is nuts. And tell her she can sleep with as many guys as she wants to. We don’t give a damn.’

  He walked off with a wave before I could defend her.

  Although they were great friends, Shrey and Vernita avoided each other’s company. Shrey always had problems with Vernita’s boyfriends, whom she picked up from the strangest of places. House parties. Common friends. Friends of common friends. Even the Internet. Vernita never saw any point in what Shrey had to say and invariably pissed him off. Shrey cared, but Vernita was too blind to see that.

  The more I wanted to run away from the interview and the incident, the more it caught up with me. People couldn’t stop discussing their interviews and their projected chances of getting hired. The entire college seemed to have just one topic to talk about—the results. So when the results came out, the entire batch assembled at the T&P Department to see if they or their friends had made it. I was avoiding going anywhere near th
e department, but Vernita was consumed with curiosity.

  ‘Why do you want to know?’ I asked Vernita, as she pulled me behind her.

  ‘Curiosity’s sake. Let’s see who amongst us are doomed to a life of codes. Not everybody would have screwed up like you,’ she said as we took the long walk towards the T&P Department. We crossed the OAT, which had stood witness to many Engifests, Troikas, INNOVAs and other college festivals, not to mention the innumerable romances that often sprung out of the nothingness that had gripped the college.

  Not that I gave two hoots about getting into a mass-recruiter IT company with a sad gender ratio, but I would have loved to be selected. It helped to have a back-up placement as a cushion before you tried out for companies that offered better pay and a better role.

  ‘Hey, Prasad! Did you get through?’ Vernita shouted across to someone she barely knew.

  ‘Yes, I did. I am sorry for you, Deb,’ he whimpered back.

  ‘Never mind,’ I said, as if I hardly cared. ‘Prasad? He got through? He can barely talk.’

  ‘It is not about how you speak, Deb,’ Vernita shot back.

  ‘Okay, then tell me what he has that I don’t?’ I sounded like a jealous boyfriend.

  ‘He looks like a geek, not an asshole. He looks serious for the job and you didn’t even shave. Look at your hair. Terrible,’ Vernita snapped.

  ‘Oh, so now you finally get it. It’s not about how you speak. It’s about how dumb you look!’

  ‘Whatever. I am glad I didn’t sit for it,’ she said.

  ‘You would have got through anyway. You’re a girl.’

  ‘That’s sexist!’

  ‘Sexist? As if you disagree. You know you are overqualified—too good-looking to be rejected.’ You have great breasts, and you look smashing in formals and high heels.

  ‘Shut up, you chauvinist pig. I have the brains, you dickhead. And I know how not to screw up an interview,’ she said.

  ‘Don’t give me that crap. Okay, give me the name of one lab assistant who hasn’t gone out of his way to help you cheat in practical exams.’

  ‘That’s easy … I mean, sort of.’

  ‘No, wait, explain this. How have you been consistently outscoring the strongest and the most skilful of guys in the workshop? Don’t tell me those manicures give your hands super strength. Or do you manage to do it with your brains? Just accept it. It helps to be a hot girl in an engineering college.’

  I knew she wouldn’t have a comeback for the workshop retort. She never stuck around the workshop for long. The pervert lab assistants were always too eager to help her out. What did they get out of it? Nobody knew. I would rather see her bend over and sweat it out. At least there would be something to look at while we risked our lives trying to work with molten metal alloys.

  ‘Okay, shut up, sucker. Look, Ayush is coming. Looks like he got through, too.’

  ‘Don’t ask him. I can’t take it any more.’

  ‘Fine. But I guess he is coming this way. No. He definitely is,’ Vernita said.

  ‘Hey, Deb, heard about you. I’m sorry, dude. Never mind. Anyway, I got through. Mohit, too. Bye. Take care, man, and take it easy. Such things happen,’ he said and walked off.

  ‘Bloody hell! When was the last time he talked to us? Has he ever talked to us before this? Sorry, dude? As if I was dying for the job. Did he just call me dude?’

  ‘Shut up, Deb. You don’t have to get paranoid about this. Poor guy. He is happy that he got through. That’s it,’ she said.

  ‘Whatever. Not another one. Don’t tell me even he is coming towards us.’

  ‘He didn’t even give it, ass. His departmental rank is seventh.’

  I hoped he wasn’t walking towards us, but given my wretched luck lightning struck me twice that day. Never did the option of killing somebody and rotting behind bars feel so tempting.

  Before he could start, I said, ‘Hi, Chitiz. I heard everybody except me got through? They are so lucky. I wonder what they did in the interview. Maybe they just knew everything. Or maybe they are just young Einsteins … and NO, we don’t want to know who got through. We just want to keep the suspense alive. Do you mind?’ I said.

  He was lucky I still hadn’t taken my hands out of my pocket.

  ‘Excuse me. I can understand. Sorry to have bothered. Bye.’ He walked off visibly perturbed after my uncalled-for rudeness.

  He can understand? What?

  ‘Whoa! That was mean and totally unnecessary,’ Vernita said, as she hopped onto the stairs leading to the T&P department.

  ‘Whatever. But I can do without their sympathy. They don’t even know me.’

  ‘There is the list,’ Vernita pointed out.

  ‘Ohh! How eager I am to have a look at it. I am not coming. You go and tell me about the lucky people who got through.’

  ‘As you say,’ she said and left.

  ‘Vernita. Can we go now?’ I shouted across to her.

  ‘Wait,’ she said, her facial expressions were changing each passing second. Seemed like more bad news was coming my way.

  ‘So, who are the lucky slackers who got through?’

  ‘You’ve got to see this,’ she said and dragged me towards the list.

  ‘I don’t need to see this.’

  ‘Yes, you do, Deb. Just read.’

  ‘What? Ashish, dumbhead; Ayush, dickhead; Ankur, loser …’

  ‘Deb can you do it a little faster.’ She punched me.

  ‘Okay, okay. Ar … Az … Ba … Be … Ch … Cu … Di … what?’

  ‘At the end of the list, Deb,’ she said.

  ‘Yogesh … Zohrab … Debashish … Debashish? How is this possible? Okay, wait, what the bloody …’

  I was numb. It was right there for the entire world to see.

  Debashish Roy—barred from all placement activities for the year 2007–08 on account of misbehaviour.

  I was crushed.

  The higher the ball falls from, the harder it bounces back. I was hit hard for sure. Being barred meant I would be jobless at the end of the academic session! I had almost fainted when I first read it on the board. My head had spun and I felt like my knees would give way.

  This isn’t happening.

  I would have to sit at home and watch every one of my fellow students lap up jobs. I would rather die. I was screwed. I had never thought it would come to this. Being debarred from placements is something that happens to others, not us.

  I had been a complete ass. I let my mom down, who used to stay up all night to wake me at whatever intervals I asked her to. And Dad, too, who was in tears even after his brilliant son had once again underachieved by not getting through an entrance examination he should have cleared the first time around. I felt worse for them than for myself. They would have nothing to tell people. I would not get placed that year. I would pass out from college without a job in hand. I didn’t deserve this. I had never thought one moment that my thoughtlessness would lead to this. I wished I could turn back time and handle it better. Some fights are not worth fighting.

  No, Deb, there are some companies that hold off-campus interviews before the session ends. And, NO, a call centre is not an option.

  I had spent hours with my head buried in my knees by the time Vernita called and broke the string of ridiculous options and way-outs I had come up with.

  Chapter 7

  As if battling depression over getting barred from college placements wasn’t enough, I had to tackle Vernita, who wanted me to come out for the night with Tanmay and Avantika. As a rule, I never won those conversations.

  ‘She is depressed … something to do with Paritosh. You’ve got to do this for me. It’s just one night, Deb,’ Vernita said.

  ‘I just had the happiest moment of my life. I just got barred from placements. And do you know how many people have been barred from placements in the last five years? Just two! That’s a reason to celebrate, isn’t it? Let’s do this! Sorry, Vernita, not coming. Anyway, it is very late and I would rather study f
or the exams.’

  Our sixth semester exams were less than a week away and I had decided to furiously mug every word in my books. My fifth semester marks were the last good thing that had happened and I was dying to feel that way again. Anyway, I knew my life was going just one way—downhill. I needed those marks to get placed in off-campus interviews.

  ‘Please. You will be placed off-campus, Deb. That’s not bad,’ she pleaded.

  ‘Don’t give me that. My profile sucks. And my situation is definitely worse than hers.’

  Ordinarily, I would have sold my soul for a night-out with Avantika, but that day was different. Not only was I aware of the fact that I was dumb and ugly, I was barred too … and she would know that. She wouldn’t want to see a loser like me. Why was Vernita even trying?

  ‘Worse than hers, Deb? Smriti ends up writing your name on a suicide note and dies or you get debarred. What’s worse? What would you pick? Tell me?’

  ‘Did Paritosh actually do that? Did he kill himself?’

  ‘Not exactly. He just bashed up three of his classmates in the US with a baseball bat. One of them is dead. He was caught with drugs, bags full of it.’

  ‘Where is he now?’

  ‘Police custody, of course.’

  ‘And?’ I asked.

  ‘And what?’

  ‘Where does Avantika come into the picture? The suicide note thing?’

  ‘She was the last person he met in India before he left for the States, after his family and his girlfriend … and a few friends.’

  ‘Suicide note?’

  ‘What suicide note?’ she asked.

  ‘You said her name was on a suicide note or something,’ I grumbled. Vernita had exaggerated again. I wondered how she would describe her own breasts. Hot air balloons?

  ‘I never said that. I just gave an example. There is no suicide note, silly.’

  ‘So what’s the big deal then? Why is she depressed? She can just stay in her hostel and relax.’

  ‘Don’t you get it? She loved him. Now he is gone. Forever. She tried to get him clean off drugs but she couldn’t. She thinks it’s her fault. She is blaming herself for everything. Avantika is a little sensitive. I know her. Can’t I ask you for this much? You’re my best friend, Deb. If you won’t help me out, I don’t know who else to turn to.’