All I Believe

by Alexa Land

  I met them in the hall outside Luca’s closed door, and when he saw me, my cousin’s forehead creased with concern. He hurried to me and grabbed me in a hug, and I said, “God, I missed you.”

  “I missed you, too, Nicky.”

  “Hi Zan.” I went to shake his hand, but he pulled me into a friendly embrace instead.

  “Good to see you, mate.” He had an English accent, diluted by years in the states.

  “You, too.” I took a quick look at him when he let go of me. He was quite a bit older than my cousin, but you’d never know it. Aside from some streaks of grey in his elbow-length, thick brown hair, Zan could have easily passed for twenty-eight or so.

  Like his boyfriend, he also looked tanned, healthy and happy. He was a nice guy, but being around him was just a bit surreal, since I’d grown up listening to his music. It always seemed weird to look into the face that had been on my album covers (and yes, I’d bought vinyl as a kid, because I’d thought it was cool).

  “There’s someone I want you two to meet,” I said.

  Gianni hesitated and asked, “Are they both in there? Both of Sal Natori’s sons?”

  “No. Andreo went out to buy himself a change of clothes, so it’s just Luca. How much has Dante told you about all of this?”

  “A fair amount. He asked me to keep an open mind,” Gianni said, tucking his black hair behind his ear. He was growing it out, and it almost reached his shoulders.

  “Okay, good.”

  There was uncertainty in his big, blue eyes as he said, “I’m not gonna lie. This is weird for me, Nico. I grew up hating the Natoris, and not just the one who murdered my parents and sister. I hated all of them for the feud that led to their death. It’s kind of hard to just let go of that.”

  “I understand, believe me. But you know me better than anyone, Gi. I wouldn’t fall for a monster. Luca’s such a good guy. Please give him a chance.”

  “Dante told me Luca took a bullet for you. How is he?”

  “Stable and really drugged up, so he’s not in pain,” I said. “Considering the amount of morphine going into his system, it’s surprising he’s as lucid as he is.”

  “Alright, let’s go meet your man. I have to say, I’m more than a little curious,” Gianni told me.

  “Sure. Oh, one more thing. Remember the story of my first kiss when I was fourteen? I know I told you, probably more than once.”

  He grinned too and said, “Way, way more than once. It was by the fountain in Viladembursa, at the very end of your family vacation. You didn’t get his name.”

  “Turns out, his name is Luca Caruso.”

  Gianni’s eyes went wide. “That’s him? You’re shitting me!”

  “I think fate brought us back together.”

  “You totally don’t believe in stuff like that.”

  “I didn’t before,” I said as I pushed open the door to Luca’s room.

  *****

  Luca was released from the hospital after three days. We relocated to a bungalow in one of the quieter parts of Tahiti while he kept recuperating. It was one of a dozen in a tranquil, turquoise bay, and was part of a fairly small high-end resort. Each bungalow was built over the water on its own private pier, and had a thatched roof and a little deck out back. Gianni and Zan moved into the one next door. The rest were empty. Andreo got a room in the pink, two story building a few hundred yards behind us, just above the beach. Since it was off-season, most days it felt like we had the resort to ourselves.

  I didn’t get why Dante had sent us to rendezvous with my cousin and his boyfriend at first, but after a while it started to make sense. While all my time and attention was focused on Luca, Gianni and Zan were an amazing source of support. They ran errands, bought us groceries, prepared meals, and reminded me to eat and sleep (sometimes insisting).

  Most importantly, they provided moral support. It felt good knowing they were there for me, to listen and give me advice and even just a hug when I needed it. Caring for Luca around the clock was exhausting, but I didn’t want to relinquish the job to anyone else. As long as I was the one looking after him, I knew he was getting everything he needed.

  Gianni had been worried about the brothers and remained suspicious of Andreo, but he’d warmed up to Luca quickly. That made me happy. I loved watching them bonding, even if their favorite topic was funny Nico stories. My cousin had literally fallen on the floor laughing when Luca told him the story of how we met (the second time, with the dogs and bacon lube and the leather pants). Since Gianni and I had grown up together, he had plenty of anecdotes to share in return.

  Meanwhile, Luca was healing well. The bullet had caught him in his upper chest, and torn through muscle but missed his internal organs. If there was such a thing as getting lucky when being shot, he had. He refused to admit he was hurting, but he kept taking the pain pills he’d been prescribed, which told me he was putting on a brave front for my sake.

  He and I spent most of our time side-by-side on a pair of padded lounge chairs on the little deck at the back of the bungalow, in between the tropical showers that drifted over the island daily. We’d read or play chess with the rustic, carved wood chess set Zan had found us at a local artisan’s market. It started to feel like we were on vacation, especially given that gorgeous setting. But when Luca had to get up, either to stretch his legs or use the bathroom, and pain made the color drain from his face, I was reminded that we weren’t exactly on a romantic getaway.

  There was another reason why that wasn’t the case. Even though we spent every waking moment together, Luca and I hadn’t talked. Which is to say, we chatted a lot about all kinds of light subjects, but neither of us brought up the bigger issues that hung over us. We hadn’t been in a good place right before he got shot. We’d hurt each other, him by not being honest with me about his father, and me by running and shutting him out. Then a bullet rendered all of that trivial, but just temporarily. Our problems hadn’t gone away. They’d just gotten set aside while Luca recuperated.

  All of that was on my mind one Tuesday afternoon as I sat on the edge of the deck with my feet in the clear water, watching a school of tiny, black-and-white-striped fish dart around. It was so beautiful where we were, the crescent-shaped white sand beach lined with palm trees, the sky and sea vividly blue, postcard-perfect. But I was preoccupied by the talk Luca and I had been putting off, the need to clear the air weighing on me heavily.

  I turned toward him to broach the subject when I saw Andreo cutting across the beach, headed for our little hut. His expression was serious, as was usually the case. It was obvious he felt like a third (or fifth) wheel with Luca and me, and Gianni and Zan, so he kept to himself most of the time, just checking in several times a day to see how his brother was feeling before retreating to the hotel again.

  Their relationship was far from tranquil, and even though they were both making an effort to get along, they often ended up bickering whenever they tried to have a conversation. Andreo was always trying to give his brother unsolicited advice, which annoyed Luca to no end. When he saw his brother approaching, Luca’s first response was to stifle a sigh as he set aside his paperback.

  Once he reached the deck, Andreo stood there awkwardly and asked, “How are you feeling today?”

  “Fine.” That was his stock answer. Then he said, “Pull up a chair. You look like you’re standing at attention.”

  Andreo perched on the edge of the second lounge chair and said, “Are you using sunscreen? You’re getting really dark. I wouldn’t want you to put yourself at risk for skin cancer.”

  Luca made a conscious effort not to roll his eyes. “Don’t worry, Andreo, I know how to take care of myself.”

  “It was just a suggestion. You don’t have to get snippy about it.”

  “I’m not snippy. Not at all.”

  Andreo knit his brows, then turned to look at me and asked, “How are things back home?”

  “Tense. Dante called a family summit for this afternoon, they’re all supposed to
meet on neutral territory and hash things out. I wish I could be there for that, even though I’m public enemy number three behind the two of you as far as Jerry’s concerned, so he’d never listen to me.”

  “Let me know what happens,” Andreo said.

  “I will, definitely. This concerns all of us.”

  “So, I bought a plane ticket for tomorrow,” Andreo said after a pause. “I’m not really needed here, since Luca’s doing well with his recovery and the doctor doesn’t anticipate any issues.” Julie and her husband had been coming by every day since Luca had been released from the hospital to check his progress.

  “Are you going back to Rome?” Luca asked.

  He nodded. “There are some matters to attend to, and I can’t do what I need to from here.”

  “Are you actually involved in organized crime?” I asked that just because I realized everything I knew about his past was a second-hand story or rumor.

  “I run an antique export business which for the most part is legitimate, but you know how it is. Sometimes palms need to get greased, and maybe not everything we export has a bill of sale attached to it, if you get what I’m saying.” Luca sighed at that, and Andreo frowned at him. “Easy for you to judge. Not all of us have a Cambridge education. I’m doing the best I can.”

  “You know,” Luca said, “since you’re the one who paid for and encouraged that Cambridge education, I don’t quite get why you feel the need to throw it back in my face like that.”

  “I wasn’t throwing it in your face.”

  “You were a little.”

  I sensed a major bicker cueing up, so I headed it off by saying, “You should have dinner with us tonight, Andreo, since it’s your last night in Tahiti.”

  “I’d like that,” he said as he stood up. “I’ll get out of your way in the meantime, your famous friend’s on his way over.” Andreo tilted his head toward Zan, who’d come out of his bungalow and was headed our way.

  “You can stay if you want,” I told him. “We’re just going to hang out and keep Luca company.”

  “That’s alright,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few hours.” He headed down the pier, nodding to Zan as he approached.

  When my cousin’s boyfriend reached us, he said hello and dropped into one of the chairs around a small patio table. I asked where Gianni was, and he grinned and said, “He’s at that farmer’s market in town. I stayed behind to give him the opportunity to horrify me with today’s assortment of exotic delicacies.” Zan and Gianni had a running joke going about my cousin always trying to get him to try new things, most of which proved to be disgusting. It amused them both to no end.

  Gianni joined us about half an hour later. He was dressed in only a pair of faded, aqua blue board shorts and leather sandals. A colorful, woven messenger bag hung across his bronzed torso, and a trio of handmade necklaces adorned his neck. My cousin had really embraced life in the South Pacific.

  He perched on his boyfriend’s thigh and kissed him, and Zan beamed at him and said, “Alright, let’s see it.”

  “See what?” Gianni tried to look innocent.

  “Whatever spiky, smelly, pungent local delicacy you managed to get your hands on today.”

  “What makes you think I got anything?”

  “Because you’re practically giddy with delight. Now let’s see it.” Gianni chuckled and pulled a trio of fruits from his messenger bag. “For fuck’s sake! What is that?” Zan exclaimed. “I mean, I recognize one of them, and for the record I despise papayas. But what’s that thing that looks like an orange hedgehog?”

  “No clue. Try it with me!”

  “Because that’s bloody likely! And what about the fat, molting red one? What are we meant to do with that?”

  “We eat it!”

  “Oh no we don’t,” Zan exclaimed, scooping up his boyfriend in his arms and carrying him to the edge of the deck. “All three of those need to visit Davey Jones’s locker. Not that he’ll want them either.” He shook Gianni a couple times, as if trying to dislodge the fruit, and my cousin yelled and howled with laughter. Finally Zan said, “Right. We’re going in. Let’s hope the hedgehog can swim!” With that, he leapt off the deck as Gi shrieked delightedly. I couldn’t help but laugh.

  After splashing around and kissing in the water for a while (and learning that all three of the fruits floated), they told us they were going to their hut to dry off. It was pretty clear they had other intentions, though. Once they were gone, Luca grinned and said, “Fruit as foreplay. They’re weird, but I like your cousin and his rock star.”

  “I’m so glad they found each other. Gianni had a string of bad relationships before he met Zan, with people who treated him as little more than arm candy. Now he’s happier than I’ve ever seen him, and that means so much to me.” When I glanced at Luca, he had a wistful expression on his face, and I asked, “What’s that look?”

  “I was just thinking. I want so much for him to say that about you, too, that he’s never seen you so happy. I have a long way to go to make that a reality, though.” He held a hand out to me as he said, “Come here, Nicky.” I took his hand and sat on the edge of his lounger, and he said, “Closer. Please? I know you’ve been keeping your distance because of my injury, but I can’t take it anymore. We’ve been living like roommates, and I’m about to go out of my mind. I need to feel you in my arms. I need that more than breathing right now.”

  I climbed onto the lounge chair gingerly, on his right side, opposite his injury, and rested my head lightly on his shoulder. Both he and I exhaled slowly. I’d needed this too, so much, but I asked, “Am I hurting you?”

  “Not even a little.”

  “Is that just because you’re on pain killers?”

  “No. It’s been almost two weeks, I’m healing.”

  “It’s been nine days.”

  “Right. Almost two weeks, like I said,” he told me with a little grin. I started to sit up, worried that he was in more pain than he was letting on, but he held me close to him and said, “Please don’t go. We need this. I know we need to talk, too. There was a lot we needed to say before the accident, and since then we’ve been avoiding it.”

  “I know. I was thinking about that earlier.”

  “Are you still mad at me for not telling you who my father was?”

  “No. I understand why you kept that to yourself.”

  “So, why is there this distance between us?”

  I told him, “I guess it’s because I’m ashamed of the way I ran from you and refused to answer your texts. I’m so sorry I did that, Luca. You mean everything to me, but I was so quick to run at the first sign of trouble.”

  “Well, trust is everything with you, and I made you feel like you couldn’t trust me.”

  “I overreacted. I think this relationship scared me, honestly. It was just so intense and so much more than I bargained for, and while I didn’t do it consciously, maybe I was looking for a reason to bolt.”

  Luca thought about that before asking, “What about now? Do you still feel like running?”

  “Not at all. I hated being without you. I’m so sorry I shut you out.”

  “Apology accepted. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you from the beginning.”

  “Apology also accepted,” I said with a little grin, then stretched up and kissed his lips.

  “Okay, good.”

  After a pause I asked, “What are we going to do when we leave here, Luca? Where are we going to go?”

  “I guess that depends on your family and what happens at today’s meeting.”

  “What about your family? Andreo told me there are plenty of Natoris who would just as soon kill me as look at me.”

  “They’re easily avoided. I have very little to do with my father’s family. But you’re close to yours, and I can’t imagine you going on the run with me forever.”

  “I will if that’s what it takes to be with you,” I said quietly.

  He shifted so he could see my face. “Are you serious?�
��

  I nodded and said, “I love you, Luca. I was waiting for the right time to tell you that, maybe over wine and candlelight some romantic evening, but you need to know that.”

  His face lit up as my words sank in, and he told me, “You just gave me the most incredible gift.” I smiled embarrassedly and broke eye contact, but he caught my chin and tilted my head up so I was looking at him again. “I love you too, Nicky.”

  He kissed me tenderly, and I asked him, “Do you remember telling your brother that in San Francisco?”

  “When?”

  “Right after you got shot. He asked why you’d taken a bullet for me, and you said it was because you loved me. You were about to go into shock.”

  “I guess I do kind of remember saying that, but the whole thing’s hazy. Do you know how bad it hurts to get shot?”

  “I’m guessing very?”

  “Exactly. I’m just lucky I didn’t wet myself while I was admitting my love for you.” He looked at me and said, “I didn’t, did I?” When I smiled at him and shook my head, he said, “Well, that’s a relief.”

  I kissed him again and said, “Thank you for protecting me from that bullet. I still can’t believe you did that for me.”

  “You would have done the same for me.”

  He was absolutely right.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The family meeting in San Francisco didn’t resolve much of anything. Both sides just ended up yelling at each other, and Jerry and his contingent stormed out after ten minutes. I had a long phone conversation with Dante that evening, and he said, “I wish I had better news, but Jerry just won’t listen to reason.”

  “I’m sorry I stirred up all this trouble.”

  “Don’t be. It’s actually been really eye-opening. It was a mistake handing the family over to Jerry. Being in charge these last couple years has changed him. He has a god complex now, he thinks only his opinions matter.”