All I Believe

by Alexa Land

  “We were taught to hate all Natoris equally and without question. No good ever comes from prejudice like that,” Dante said.

  Jerry came up to my boyfriend and extended his hand. “I’m Jerry Dombruso,” he said, “and I owe you a huge fuckin’ apology.”

  Luca shook his hand, his eyes wary. “Luca Caruso. This is my brother, Andreo Natori.” Andreo and Jerry shook hands as well.

  Jerry turned to me and said, “Nick, I’m sorry.”

  “A good way to prove it would be to call off the hit,” I said.

  “Yeah, shit,” Jerry said, pulling out his phone. “Come into the house, let’s have a drink while I get this fixed. Jesus, I need a double after all this.” He turned and started to walk to his front door, the crowd parting for him again.

  “Well damn, that was anticlimactic,” Nana griped.

  “Good,” Dante said. “This family doesn’t need any more drama. Sorry about putting you under house arrest, Nana, but now that you’re free and so many of your friends are with you, why don’t you go celebrate? They’re hosting a wet brief contest at that new gay bar in the Mission, didn’t you say something about wanting to check that out?”

  “Oh hell, that’s tonight,” she exclaimed as she rushed back to the limo. “Come on, peeps, we gotta be somewhere!”

  Her entourage piled back into the vehicle, and as Jessie pulled away from the curb and the crowd dispersed, Dante gestured at Jerry’s house and told Luca and me, “Come on, let’s go have that drink.”

  I asked, “Do you really believe this is over, just like that?”

  Dante said, “Jerry’s a smart man. I’ll bet he got a notification that all his accounts were empty, and when he tried to get at the family funds and couldn’t, he figured out I was the one behind it. He saw the tide was turning, we’d gained the upper hand. Pushing back would have left him penniless, so he went this route to get back in my good graces.”

  “Do you think he really called off the hit?” I asked, picking up Luca’s hand as we walked toward the house.

  “I’ll make sure of it.”

  “How?”

  “I’m going to keep control of Jerry’s assets,” Dante said, “he’s going to be on a tight allowance until he proves we can trust him. Calling off Connie is the first step in rebuilding that trust.”

  “Are you still going to go through with assuming control of the family?” Andreo asked as he fell into step with us.

  “I have to. Jerry can’t be left in charge. I’ll make him a good offer though, third in command after Vincent, assuming my brother still wants the job,” Dante said.

  “Sure, but do you really want to keep Jerry in a position of power?” Vincent asked.

  His brother told him, “You know the old adage, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I have no idea which one Jerry is, I guess time will tell. But either way, I want him where I can keep an eye on him.”

  Luca turned to Andreo and said as he handed him the briefcase, “All your hard work was for nothing, cutting off the money was enough.”

  Andreo passed the briefcase to Dante and said, “You never know where you stand with a man like Jerry, so we might want to hang on to this. If he finds a way around his financial situation, he might start to get ideas.”

  “That,” Dante said, “is an excellent suggestion.”

  *****

  During our two-hour ‘sit-down’, as Andreo called it, Jerry had seemed contrite, and plied us with expensive Scotch while apologizing repeatedly. Dante meanwhile told him very calmly about the restructuring of the family, and how he’d be retaining control of Jerry’s finances, just to make sure everyone remained on the same page. Since the entire family had shown up in support of Dante, Jerry knew where he stood. Refusing to give up control wasn’t an option.

  After we left Jerry’s house, Dante was in a particularly upbeat mood. He called his husband and Vincent’s, and all of us met up with Nana and her cohorts at the bar. “God bless America,” Andreo said as he ran his gaze up and down the muscle men in tighty whities who were onstage for the wet brief contest.

  Luca started to look tired after about an hour, so we said goodnight to everyone and went outside to hail a cab. The fall night was brisk and foggy, and I gathered Luca into my arms to keep him warm as we waited for a taxi. “Do you think it’s really over?” he asked as he rested his forehead against mine and wrapped his hands around my waist. “Dante basically just went in and chopped your cousin’s balls off. Is Jerry really just going to let him get away with that?”

  “I don’t think he has a choice.”

  “He could still carry out that hit, just out of spite.”

  “He could, but I don’t think he will. Maybe I should make a call, just to be sure.”

  I pulled out my phone, found a number in my contacts, and dialed it. When the call connected I said, “You’re a total fucking asshole, Connie.”

  “Ah, Darling Nicky.” I winced at the nickname. My brother had tortured me with it mercilessly when he’d discovered that Prince song during our childhood. “I’ve been expecting your call for days. I was beginning to think you didn’t love me anymore.”

  “Oh, I don’t.”

  “Now don’t be that way. I still love you, even if you did just call me at this ungodly hour! Do you realize what time it is in Rome?”

  “You’re in Rome?’

  “Did I not just say that?”

  “In that case it’s nine a.m. there.”

  “Yes! Like I said, ungodly!”

  I fought back a sigh and said, “Did Jerry call you earlier tonight?”

  “Why yes. Twice, actually. Once to tell me not to shoot your love muffin or his brother the antichrist, and again a couple hours later to tell me about the new world order. Or, the old world order, I suppose. Anyway, he told me Dante’s back in charge, and that he’s holding Jerry’s purse strings. I never liked old Jer, I’m glad he’s getting what’s coming to him.”

  “If you never liked him, why’d you agree to do his dirty work?”

  “Hey, a job’s a job,” my brother said.

  “Asshole.”

  He clicked his tongue and said, “You’re so foulmouthed these days! Must be the company you’re keeping.”

  I frowned and asked, “Why are you in Rome?”

  “Jer hired me to do a job, remember?”

  “Andreo was there for a week. He even went by his brother’s apartment at one point to pack some clothes for him. Either you totally suck as a hitman, or you knew he was in town but couldn’t make yourself kill him.”

  “Or maybe your future brother-in-law Fred Flintstone is stealthier than you’re giving him credit for.” I had to grin a little. That wasn’t the most off-base nickname for Andreo. A cab pulled onto the street just then, and I stuck my arm out.

  As it came to a stop in front of us and Luca and I got in, I said, “Do you swear to me Jerry called off the hit?”

  “Scout’s honor.”

  “You were never a scout.”

  “Fine, then assassin’s honor.”

  “I can’t believe this is what you did with your life,” I said.

  “So judgmental!”

  I sighed at that as Luca gave the cab driver Nana’s address. After a moment I asked, “Are you really coming home for Christmas?”

  “What?”

  “You said something about that in Tahiti, after you got done pointing a gun at me.”

  “Actually, I was pointing it at your snookie wookie. You just got in the way,” Connie said. “He’s a grade-A hottie, incidentally. You’ve done well for yourself.”

  “What, no digs about him being a Natori?”

  “Like I give a shit who his daddy was.”

  “So you really were going to kill him just for the money.”

  Connie sighed dramatically. “Oh. My. God. You’re the most judgmental person on Earth, Nicky!”

  “And you’re a fucking hitman!” That made the cab driver stare at me in the rearview mirror. I
smiled at him weakly, then said into the phone, “So, are you?”

  “Am I what?”

  “Coming home for Christmas.”

  “I am. I think it’ll be a hoot, don’t you? I haven’t been home in years, but something tells me this is the one not to miss.”

  “Because Andreo will be here?”

  “Ugh. He won’t really, will he?”

  I said, “I don’t know. I’m just assuming.”

  “Well, despite the potential presence of Wreck-it Ralph, I’ll still be there.” Again, not the most off-base insult.

  “Alright. I guess I’ll see you in a few weeks, then.”

  “I love you, baby brother,” he said cheerfully.

  “You really are an asshole,” I told him before ending the call.

  “So, all is well then?” Luca asked as I returned the phone to my jacket pocket.

  “Yeah. I believe him about the hit being called off. So all I have to worry about now is getting you to rest and finish healing.”

  “I’m totally healed. I was shot months ago!” That got us another glance in the rearview mirror from the cab driver.

  “It was a couple weeks! I know you must still be in pain, even if you pretend you’re not. Plus, look how tired you got after an hour at that club.”

  “That’s because I’m old.”

  “You are not.”

  “I am,” Luca insisted. “I’m turning thirty next month. It’s all downhill from there.”

  “Oh wow, we have to celebrate!”

  “Sure. We can go out to dinner and get a nice bottle of wine.”

  I smiled at him and said, “Oh no. That’s not how we celebrate in this family.”

  “No? What do you do then?”

  “You saw that mob and the Flaming Titanic, and that was just on a random weeknight. Now imagine Nana on a mission to make sure you have a happy birthday.”

  “Oh my God.”

  “Exactly.”

  When the cab pulled up in front of Nana’s house, Luca asked, “Are we staying here tonight?”

  “Yes. This is home until we get our own place.”

  I paid the fare, and he paused when we got out of the taxi and looked up at the grand Queen Anne Victorian. It had been painted in a shimmering rainbow a few months back. “I was too preoccupied to fully appreciate this when we first arrived. It kind of says it all, doesn’t it?”

  “It does.”

  He pulled me into his arms. “I like that you’re a package deal, Nicky. One incredibly sweet, beautiful boyfriend, plus the kind of huge, crazy family I wished I belonged to when I was a kid.”

  “Really? You wished for deranged cousins and quite possibly the craziest grandmother ever to roam the Earth?”

  “I wished for a big family. All the rest is just a bonus.” I kissed him before taking his hand and leading him into the house.

  It was quiet inside for a change, since everyone was still at the club. Tom Selleck the giant puppy was sprawled out on his side in the foyer waiting for Nana’s return, and his big tail thumped the floor when we came in. He pushed himself to his feet and followed us into the kitchen, and I tossed him a dog biscuit before making a midnight snack for Luca and me.

  The dog then followed us upstairs and dropped onto his side right in the middle of my bedroom floor, so we had to step over and around him as we changed into t-shirts and sleep pants. When we were finally seated cross-legged on the little twin bed with the plate of fruit, cheese and crackers between us, I said, “These are going to be pretty tight sleeping arrangements. We can move into one of Nana’s guestrooms if you want, they all have bigger beds.”

  “No way. I like this room. The tiny bed means we’ll have to sleep right on top of each other, and I’m all for that. Plus, I like the fact that it’s total and complete chaos in here. I’m learning a lot about you.” He looked amused.

  I glanced around at the small, cluttered space. I’d always stayed in that room when I visited Nana as a child, so it was dotted with a few random childhood mementos. I’d changed nothing when I moved in after leaving Los Angeles. More recently, I’d gotten in the habit of tacking up Post-it notes to try to help me make sense of my studies. They covered almost every hard surface, a pastel patchwork of notes, dates, and general reminders. Stacks of books and papers crowded the small desk and built-in bookshelves, and Luca said, “I would have bet you were a neat freak, just based on the way you present yourself to the world. Turns out, not so much.”

  “I used to be pretty tidy. I think in a lot of ways, my room is the embodiment of ‘this is your brain on law school.’ It actually had been just as chaotic in here.” I tapped the center of my forehead with my index finger.

  Luca gave me a sympathetic look as I took in my surroundings. After a few moments, I reached for the sticky notes lining the wall beside my bed and began peeling them off and stacking them into a neat pile in my left hand. “Aren’t you going to need those?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “I needed to throw myself into something after my relationship with Erik ended. The one good thing about this law program was that it was all-consuming. I was so busy being stressed out about it that it left me no time to think or feel. That was the real point of law school. It held the sadness and hurt at bay. Now it’s time to move on.”

  “Wait, so you’re dropping out? Just like that?”

  “Not exactly just like that, but yeah. I’ve thought about this a million times, but I couldn’t let go of it. Not until now. It serves no purpose anymore. I was never really sure if I wanted to be a lawyer, but I know for a fact that law school was a terrible fit for me. I just had no interest in the subject matter.” As I was talking, I kept adding to the little stack of notes in my hand. When I emptied the wall beside my bed, I got up and started working my way around the room.

  “So, what now?”

  “In the short term, I want to go back to working as an EMT. I liked that job overall. The part I didn’t like was that there was no follow-through. We’d keep the patients alive long enough to get them to the hospital, and then we’d never see them again. Whether they lived or died after we handed them over was out of our hands.”

  “I never thought about that,” Luca said. He got up too and started pulling sticky notes from the walls, making his own little stack.

  “When you got shot and I watched the EMTs and later the doctors take care of you, it got me thinking. When I chose Biology as my undergraduate major way back when, I’d had this pipe dream of going on to medical school in the back of my mind. The problem was, I didn’t believe in myself. I thought you had to be a genius to get accepted to medical school, so I didn’t even try. You’d really think all those years with Erik would have shown me how dead wrong I was about that.”

  Luca grinned at me as we continued to circle around the room, stepping over the huge dog, our stacks growing thicker and thicker as we gathered every note. “Yes, that probably should have been a tip-off.”

  “Maybe it was something I had to grow into. I don’t think I would have been ready for medical school when I graduated with my bachelor’s degree at twenty-two. But I’m a much different person now, over four years down the road,” I said. “Somehow, after all I’ve been through, the idea of medical school doesn’t intimidate me anymore. Actually, when I think about it, I just feel excited.”

  “Then that’s exactly what you should do.” Luca gathered up the last couple notes and came over to me. As he added his stack to mine, he said, “I want you to know I’m in your corner, one hundred percent. If you decide to do this, I’ll be right there by your side, helping out in any way I can. Kind of like your med school pit crew.”

  “Are you sure about this? It’s going to tie us down to one place for a number of years. It’ll impact your life as much as mine.”

  He took the thick stack of notes from me and dropped them in the trash can, then drew me into his arms. “All that matters to me is being with you. I don’t really care where we end up while you’re in school, a
s long as we’re together. Long term, I’d like us to come back to the Bay Area so we can be close to your family. But in the meantime, lead the way.”

  I ran my hand around the back of his neck and kissed him before saying, “Thank you.”

  “What are you thanking me for?”

  “Being so easy-going, and sweet, and kind, and supportive.”

  He smiled at me. “You’re welcome.”

  We moved the plate aside and curled up in bed together, and I said, “I’ll probably have to begin the application process immediately, I bet the deadlines aren’t far off. We’ll know where we end up sometime in the spring, and then I assume classes will start right around this time next year. I guess the apartment we find should be a month-to-month rental, since chances are we’ll be moving out of the area. Assuming I get accepted somewhere.”

  “You will. I need to figure out what I’m doing, too,” Luca said. “I need to make some changes, and I’m not sure what I’m doing next. I only know that it’ll involve you.”

  “What kind of changes?”

  “I don’t want to keep spending forty or more weeks a year in anonymous hotel rooms. I just can’t stand the thought of us spending all that time apart. I also don’t want to keep buying art for rich bastards who are only interested in its monetary value. A couple of my clients truly appreciate art and I wouldn’t mind continuing to work with them, but the rest, good riddance. That’ll cut my yearly travel time down to days, not months, and until medical school grounds us, maybe you could come with me on my buying trips.”

  “I’d love to,” I said.

  “Great. Now all we need is someplace to live before med school.”

  I opened my computer to search for apartments. Luca put his arm around my shoulders as we looked at listings and ate our snacks. Every time an apartment caught my eye and I asked him what he thought, his response was, “Looks great.”

  Finally I turned to him and said, “Don’t you have an opinion on any of these? You just keep agreeing to whatever I like.”

  He paused for a moment before saying, “You told me the story once about your house in L.A. with the kitchen that meant a lot to you, and how you had to walk away from it when your relationship ended. I just…I really want to give you a home, Nicky. Whether this apartment is ours for a year, or longer if you end up going to school in the Bay Area, I just need it to be someplace you love, somewhere you feel good. That’s all that matters to me. So, you lead the way. If you find a place that makes you happy, then I’ll be happy too.”