CONVICTION (INTERFERENCE)
Page 5
He ran his hands through his hair. “I won’t lie to you. The thought terrifies me.”
“Why?”
“It doesn’t matter right now. We’re just getting to know each other. There’s no rush to do anything. Come on, I missed lunch. I’m starving.”
I’m Not Proud of What I’ve Done
Dinner was great. I felt really guilty that he paid for dinner when I knew he was working double shifts to save for college, but I didn’t want to embarrass him by offering to pay with Daddy’s money. I knew he was too proud.
I planned on paying for the movie, but the movie we were going to see was sold out and then we talked through the beginning of the next one and we finally gave up and just sat in my car and talked about everything. He was amazing and I knew I was falling hard. I think my feelings for him must have been obvious, because suddenly he turned very somber.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
He looked straight ahead and said, “Rebecca, I like you. I’m sure you’ve figured that out, and I know you care for me. But, I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. I’ve paid my dues; according the law, at least. But I made some really big mistakes. I think, before this goes any further, you should know about them.”
“It won’t matter,” I said candidly.
“It should. And, it’ll matter to your parents, believe me. Once they hear about my past, they’re not going to want you anywhere near me.”
“Let me worry about my parents. They’ll get over it. It’s not like you killed anyone…” I said and saw him stiffen. I stopped talking and waited for him to say something…anything.
“No, I didn’t kill anyone, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“So, then what did you do?” I asked, not sure I really wanted to know.
He turned to me and said, “I stole some alcohol from a convenience store when I was 15. I got drunk and then I stole a car.”
“You were only…”
“Let me finish, okay?” He took a few deep breaths and continued. “I was really drunk and I drove over to this girl’s house. I knew she had a crush on me, and I knew her parents were out of town. She had asked me to come over…I was sober enough to remember that much. I had another bottle of Jack Daniels with me and I knocked on her door. She let me in, planning on sobering me up. But, I guess that’s not exactly what I had in mind.” He stopped talking and I could see his knuckles were white as they were clasped tightly together in his lap.
I was too stunned to say anything now.
“I was drunk, but it was no excuse. She tried to get me to drink coffee, but I refused, instead I tried to get her drunk, too. I remember that she refused the alcohol and kept trying to get me to drink the coffee and finally I got angry. I wasn’t angry with her, but I took it out on her. The one girl that was trying to help me…the only one who cared anything about me…”
“You were drunk, like you said,” I said as a tear rolled down my cheek.
“I raped her.” He said it almost in a whisper. “The only person that truly cared about me, and I forced myself on her.”
I didn’t know what to say. He was obviously disgusted with himself and he said he’d paid his dues, but I could see it was eating him alive.
“The funny thing is, after I woke up and realized what I’d done, she told that she loved me, and she’d planned on giving herself to me that night. She was crying, but she didn’t call for help, she didn’t turn me in and she never spoke of it again.” He turned to look at me then and said, “She was only 14.”
The tears were unstoppable now. I wasn’t too sure who to feel worse for; the 14 year old girl who’d been raped, or the guy that couldn’t live with what he’d done.
“I know that was hard to hear.”
I nodded, still unable to speak.
“If you want me to leave now, I’ll understand,” he said grabbing the door handle.
I reached out and touched his hand, and shook my head no. “You were only 15,” I said, making excuses for him.
“I was twice her size and it took nothing to over-power her. She was a nice girl…a good girl, innocent. I took that from her.” He stared ahead, refusing to look at me.
“You said you paid your dues?” I said, ignoring the innocent remark.
“I turned myself in a few months later. I couldn’t live with it. She refused to press charges, she didn’t want anyone to know, but I forced the issue. I wanted to be punished. I thought it would make me feel better, or forget. I thought I could forgive myself. I spent two years in Juvie, but it didn’t make me forget, and I know now that I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I said through more tears.
“Because I like you. Because I want to get to know you. And, because you deserve to know the truth. You need to be able to make up your own mind. If you can’t handle it, then it’s better to know now…before things get complicated.”
“Do you still see her?” I asked.
“No. It was back in New York. I haven’t seen or heard from her since.”
“Is that why you moved to L.A.? To get away from her?”
“That was part of it. My dad got a job offer here, and it seemed like the perfect time.”
“What about your mom?”
“She died when I was six. It’s just been my dad and me since then.”
I dried my eyes and touched his hand. He pulled his hand away.
“Shane, you were only 15…and you were drunk. You were a stupid kid.”
“You were 15 a year ago. Did you know right from wrong?” he asked.
“Yes, but I’ve never been under the influence of alcohol. You said you were angry, but not with her. So, who were you angry with?”
“My father. But I took that anger, that rage for my father and I hurt the one person who truly cared for me. The fact that I was drunk doesn’t change a thing. I only remember bits and pieces, but regardless, I had no right to touch her!”
I looked into his guilt-ridden eyes and said, “Shane, tell me something: would you have…done that to her if you were sober? Did you plan it before you started drinking?”
“No, of course not. I would never…”
“So, then the alcohol did play a huge role. You can’t blame yourself forever.”
“I will blame myself forever. I was drunk, I know that. I also know that I would have never done that if I was sober. But, that still doesn’t change anything. I must have known what I was doing at the time, and although I may not have had all my wits about me, it was still a semi-conscious act. I did my time, but I know that I’ll spend eternity in Hell and I’ve accepted that. But, until then, I vowed to be a good person.”
“You don’t really believe that, do you?”
“I don’t know. You’re the good Catholic Girl. What do you think?”
“I think that God forgives us our sins. I think it’s what you do from now on that counts. I think God already forgave the boy’s sins in lieu of the man you’ve become. I think you paid for your sin, and it’s time to let it go.”
He sighed. “I can’t. I can’t get her picture out of my head. She was so trusting, and she really thought she loved me. All I can see is her laying there, her nightgown torn and the blood on her thighs…” a tear rolled down his cheek and he let it fall without shame.
I reached out to him but he pulled away. He dried his eyes and sat up straight, trying to compose himself “So, now you know my biggest, darkest secret. I’ll bet that’s not what you were expecting, was it?”
I shook my head no.
“Are you afraid of me now?” he asked.
“No, I told you, I have a sixth sense about people.”
“Yeah, well, your ‘spidey’ sense may be a little off where I’m concerned.”
“No, it’s not. Shane, you’ve paid for your mistakes. Let it go.”
“I wish it were that easy.” He took a deep breath and said, “I’ve never told anyone what I just told you; other than the cops when I turn
ed myself in.”
“Why me?”
“Because I can’t stop thinking about you, and because you look at me like…like she did.”
I blushed again. “Am I that transparent?”
He shrugged. “I just wanted you to know what you’re up against.” He turned toward me and said, “I swear to you that I will never lay a hand on you. I’ll never hurt you. But, it’s still your choice. So, do you still want to see me? I’ll understand if…”
“YES!”
He actually managed a small smile. “You’re sure?”
I nodded. “I’m positive.”
He let out a long breath and said, “I swear I won’t let you down.” He seemed exhausted now…drained. “Well, I guess I should go home. I’m sure my dad’s passed out by now.”
“Passed out?”
“My dad’s an alcoholic. He has been for years.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Well, that’s hardly the biggest skeleton in my closet.”
I reached for his hand, but once again, he pulled away.
“Rebecca, I haven’t even looked at another girl since…” he sighed. “I told myself, made a promise to myself that women were off limits to me.”
“How can you possibly expect to keep a promise like that?”
“I promised myself that I would become a decent person. That I would take care of my dad, save up some money for college and work my way through school. I promised that I wouldn’t look at another girl until I had something to offer her…but then I saw you. I wasn’t looking for you. But, when I saw you that day, I couldn’t look away. I’ve watched you talking with your friends, laughing, joking, and smiling…every day for months now. I reminded myself that you were off limits, but when Jeff stole your card, and I actually spoke to you…I knew there was no way I could keep that promise anymore.”
I blushed again.
“I swear to you, I’ll never hurt you. I haven’t had a drop to drink since that night and I never will again. I know I don’t deserve to be with you, but if you can accept my past, then I’m willing to give it a try.”
He had given me a lot to think about, but as I looked into the beautiful eyes, and saw nothing but remorse, I knew I didn’t care. I reached out and grabbed his hand and when he tried to pull away this time, I squeezed tighter, holding on to him. I was trying to let him know how I felt without words.
He smiled and squeezed my hand back and then pulled his away.
I sighed, knowing it was going to take a lot of convincing on my part to get him to believe that I cared for him…no matter the circumstances. “Shane,” I said, seriously.
“What?” he asked, preparing for the worst.
“Have you ever apologized to her?”
“Yeah, that night. But, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change the facts.”
“But, have you apologized since then?”
“No, I told you, I haven’t talked to her or seen her since that night.”
“It’s been a long time. You’ve grown up. She’s grown up. Why don’t you write her a letter of apology? Even if you don’t mail it, you can write it. It might make you feel better.”
“You mean like the steps in AA?”
“I don’t know…?”
“There are 12 steps when you join AA. One of them is to make amends and apologize for your sins.” He shrugged his shoulders. “My father’s in AA. I used to go with him.”
“So, it’s like confession?” I said.
“Kind of, I guess. I’m not Catholic…another strike against us,” he sighed.
“I don’t care if you’re not Catholic, Shane. I care that you’re a good person. And, you are a good person. But, even if I didn’t know, in my heart, that you were good, it still wouldn’t matter. I was hooked the second…” I blushed.
“What?” he asked.
“Nothing.”
“Oh no, I just bared my soul, you need to fess up.”
“It’s silly.”
“I could use a little silly.”
He was right. He had shared a huge secret from his past. I could let him in on one of mine. “It’s your smile,” I blushed again.
“What?” he asked.
“I can’t stop thinking about your smile. And your eyes…the list goes on. But, when you smiled at me that first time at the mall, I melted. I can’t believe you didn’t notice.”
“I was too busy arguing with myself; telling myself that I had no right to feel anything for you. But, I knew it was too late. And, unless you tell me otherwise, I’m going to become a permanent fixture in your life.”
“I could use a new fixture. Now, how am I going to get rid of the old one?” I laughed when I thought of Parker, and his firm resistance to my continual ‘no’s!’
“I thought that was settled.”
“You’d think so, but something tells me I still have a long road ahead of me where he’s concerned. I don’t think today will stop him, but it might slow him down.”
“Who can blame him? You’re not only beautiful, but kind and caring. You’re genuine,” he smiled and once again I melted…
“I blame him; both him and my dad. I don’t know what got into him today!”
“I do. Me.”
“You?”
“Yeah, he thinks I’m a threat to his perfectly planned life.”
“His perfectly planned life was all in his head. You have nothing to do with it. But, maybe I stood up to him a little more forcefully this time…because of you. You give me courage. You should have heard me yelling at my dad last night…and then this morning. I’ve never spoken out like that before.”
“Rebecca, don’t change who you are for me. I like who you are, just the way you are. You’re…perfect.”
“Before you, I was afraid of my own shadow. I let my father and Parker plan and run my life for me. I just went along, even though I didn’t want to. I don’t know what you did to me, but I suddenly feel stronger. You made it so that I was able to find the strength and conviction to stand up to both of them.”
He looked down, lost in thought again. After a few moments of silence he said, “Rebecca, your father loves you. He only wants what’s best for you.”
“He doesn’t know what’s best for me.”
“Maybe not, but you’re still his little girl, and he’s going to do everything in his power to protect you.”
“He needs to protect me from Parker. He thinks Parker’s so wonderful. He wouldn’t think so if he’d seen him earlier. He would have killed him.”
“Don’t be so sure.”
“What does that mean?”
“He thinks Parker’s your future. He sees you married to a wealthy attorney, living not too far from himself, in a beautiful home, with fancy cars and a lot of money…and grandkids. He’d forgive Parker, because when he looks at him, he sees you safe, protected and lavished with all the things money can buy.”
I thought about what he said. “I agree with everything you just said, except that he would’ve killed Parker if he knew what he did earlier today. I’m sure he’d eventually forgive him, but if he thought for a second that I was in danger, he’d do anything to protect me.”
He looked down.
“What’s wrong?”
“Right now, your father thinks I’m your biggest threat. I guess I’m screwed.”
“Oh, I didn’t mean…”
“It’s okay, Rebecca. I know I have to earn their trust, just like yours. Don’t worry, I don’t scare off easily…not when it’s something so important. And believe me; you’re worth anything your father can throw at me.”
I think he really wanted to lean over and kiss me, but something stopped him. I wished he would. I wanted him to. But, instead, he took a deep breath, touched the side of my face with the back of his hand and said, “I have Sunday’s off. Will you spend the day with me?”
I smiled. “Only if you come to dinner tomorrow night at my house.”
“Oh your parents would love that!”
He sighed. “Will Parker be there?”
“God, I hope not! I think he’ll back off for a while,” I rolled my eyes, knowing it would be short-lived. Parker was used to getting what he wanted, and I knew he’d be back soon enough, but I figured we were safe for a few days.
“Rebecca, can I ask you to do something for me?”
“Anything.”
“Don’t let him get you alone…okay?”
“Trust me, even the thought makes me nauseous. But, why?”
“He knows you have feelings for me. He’s going to try and be a bit…more persuasive now.”
“Parker wouldn’t…” I stopped when I remembered my earlier encounter with him. “Okay. But, it won’t be a problem anyway, because I plan on spending every possible free moment I have…with you.”
“I like that idea. But, please be careful. He’s going to come at you with everything he’s got now that I’m in the picture. And um, he’s going to want more than just a kiss.”
“Well, if I won’t even kiss him, why would he think I’d do more?”
“I don’t think he’s going to ask for your permission.”
“He wouldn’t do that! Parker would never force himself…” I stopped in mid-sentence, and looked up at Shane. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Just promise me…for my own sanity, okay?”
I nodded and he said goodbye and walked back into the tire store.
“Promise me that you’ll be nice to Shane tonight, Dad.”
“What is it with you and this guy? What does he have that Parker doesn’t? Tell me, because I just can’t figure it out.”
“ME!” I snapped.
“He’s a bad boy, Rebecca! Once a bad boy, always a bad boy!”
“Bradley, you know first-hand that that’s not true!” my mother scolded.
“Oh you can’t even begin to compare him to Bre…” he stopped mid-sentence. “Don’t start with me, Charlotte,” he said, changing tactics.