Damaged

by Jody Holford

  Natalie smiled, for real finally, and, without warning, gave Maddi a quick hug and thanked her again. Maddi stood for a moment, surprised by the gesture, by the feel of someone’s arms around her. Noah shut the door behind Natalie, transferring Maddi’s attention to him and the fact that they were, once again, alone. She could still feel Natalie’s hug. The room felt smaller with Noah in it.

  “Thank you,” Noah said simply.

  His eyes made it impossible to look away. Her breath hitched. He was so genuine when she’d done nothing—the bare minimum. Why did they keep thanking her? She didn’t want to know their stories, their damage. Maddi didn’t want to want to know. Curiosity killed more than the cat. Which is why her own question surprised her, probably more than it did him. “Was she in an abusive relationship?”

  A variety of emotions, grief, anger, and guilt, crossed Noah’s face as Maddi stared at him. The answer was so obvious and she forgot to control the impulse to step closer. She’d stopped offering comfort to others long ago. It was impossible not to with Noah. Maddi put her hand on his arm, feeling the warmth of his skin seep into her palm. Noah looked down at her hand resting on his forearm, then back into her eyes. His were wide, intense.

  Breathing through the worry about her own attraction, she spoke quietly. “It’s not your fault. And it’s not hers.” She dropped her hand, tucked her fingers into fists, and took a step back, but neither of them broke eye contact. It was like she hadn’t stopped touching him.

  “Were you?” he asked, just as bluntly.

  She knew her face gave nothing away. All her emotions swirled in her belly, but they wouldn’t show. She’d had too much practice concealing them. A chill tiptoed up her skin.

  Noah waited a beat then realized she wasn’t going to answer him. “It’s easier to say it to someone else than believe it yourself, I guess. I’m trying to find someone for her to talk to,” he said.

  Maddi squeezed her fingers into her palms. “Good. She’s lucky to have you, Noah. Focus on that.”

  This time, he took the step forward, eliminating most of the space between them. It was harder to breathe with him in her personal space. The air lodged in her lungs, but she refused to step back and the arch of his eyebrow suggested he knew she was considering it.

  “Who do you have, Maddi?” he asked, his breath mixing with hers, stealing hers.

  Her heart beat heavy and fast. “I don’t need anyone. I don’t need saving,” she answered. She put her hand on his chest to give the illusion of space between them, but it backfired and made her feel closer to him. He put his hand over hers on his chest, pressed her palm tighter. His heartbeat matched hers. Inhaling sharply, her stomach dropped like a bag of stones. Noah didn’t move to kiss her, which she thought he might. And she’d stop him if he did. She was sure of it.

  “I don’t want to save you,” he replied. Both his eyes and his words rang true.

  Needing the space and air that didn’t smell like Noah, she walked to the kitchen. “Good. You should go,” Maddi said. Part of her didn’t want him to.

  “Come have dinner with us. We’ll probably have fast food, which it doesn’t look like you eat a whole lot of, but come anyway,” Noah said.

  She turned to see him looking at her workout gear, his eyes travelling all the way down, then up, locking on hers. Once again, she’d forgotten what she was wearing. The Evans siblings had a way of making her lose track of herself, and that thought didn’t sit well. None of this did. Not the feelings swarming around in her chest or the little part of her wanting to say yes to his offer. She worked hard to avoid entanglements up to this point. It was how she functioned, how she knew she wouldn’t let anyone down. Or vice versa. Maddi held his gaze and questioned whether it was the dual onset of charm that weakened her.

  “I can’t. I need to shower,” Maddi said. She wasn’t socially awkward. Her demons were laid to rest, and she was pretty damn functional considering, but alone worked for her. She didn’t want a boyfriend or a BFF, or someone to call or text at two a.m. No Facebook or Twitter. Maddi had a phone because she needed to be able to make calls for her business. The sole function of the landline was to let people in which hadn’t been necessary, until now. She was exceptionally skilled at keeping people out.

  “I’m not going to stop asking,” Noah said.

  A self-assured grin claimed his face. Maddi shook her head and bit her lip to keep from smiling back. There was no doubt about his persistence. She did, however, doubt her ability to resist.

  “Go take care of your sister.” She walked to the door, opened it for him, and waited while still fighting a smirk. Noah paused and turned to face her as he was leaving. The subtle smell of cologne and sweat heightened her awareness, made goose bumps spread down her arms.

  “I’ll see you soon,” he said.

  The stubborn look on his face was becoming familiar. Set jaw, piercing eyes, his body far too close to hers.

  “Say it back.”

  She shook her head and rolled her eyes. Something she hadn’t done since she was a teen. He arched a brow.

  “You’re irritating,” she said instead. Noah stood there grinning like a child who always got their way. Why was that amusing to her?

  “And charming,” he added.

  She nearly giggled but kept a straight face. “Stubborn.”

  “Persistent.”

  “Annoying.” She smiled sweetly, tilting her head to the side. He laughed then reached out and gently touched her cheek. Just as Natalie’s hug did, the affectionate gesture surprised her. More than that, Noah’s touch sent tingles, tiny hot spots, down her body. It was too much. Too much pressure in her chest and in her heart. It was nearly painful.

  “I’ll see you soon, Maddi.”

  She shook her head, stepped back. “Yeah, maybe,” she conceded and closed the door.

  Chapter 5

  “What do you want for yourself?” Dr. Tina Mason asked.

  Noah liked the sound of her voice. The slight Irish lilt, was rhythmic and soothing, particularly in the warm glow of her office. She sat, her eyes gentle but focused, one leg crossed over her knee, fiddling with the pen in her hand, across from where he and Natalie occupied a leather couch. He had actually joked with Natalie that he should wait outside so she could stretch out on the shrink’s couch. Nat’s smile was nervous, more of a grimace.

  Ryan’s mom, Tina, had joined the conversation saying she used to have just chairs but so many patients had asked why she didn’t have a couch that she bought one. No one had laid down on it though, according to her. Noah waited, hands clasped, hanging between his knees. Tension curled in his gut. The doc said nothing, but only leaned back, giving Natalie time to think through the question. Noah deemed it a bad sign that she had to think so hard about it. What did he want? Easy. For Natalie to be okay.

  She chewed on the inside of her cheek, a nervous habit from childhood. “I want to stop feeling like it’s my fault,” Natalie finally admitted, looking at Dr. Mason rather than him.

  Noah deliberately relaxed his shoulders and pushed his lips together. If he was tense, Natalie would pick up on it. Unclasping his hands, he flattened them on his thighs.

  “Part of the cycle of abuse is that victims feel like the fault is theirs,” Dr. Mason stated, without inflection.

  Nat’s eyes flared. “I don’t want to be a victim,” Natalie said quickly.

  “Then be a survivor. What happened is not your fault, Natalie.” Dr. Mason said it slowly and clearly, her gaze never leaving Natalie’s face.

  Natalie looked down. “I stayed,” she whispered.

  The familiar, sickening weight of helplessness suffocated him. Natalie rubbed each of the fingertips on one hand with her thumb, then switched and repeated. Noah swallowed, but the lump in his throat wouldn’t loosen. It was lodged there, cutting off his air supply. Tina stared at Natalie, glancing at the repetitive motion of her hands.

  In a firm voice, Tina asked, “Do you think you deserved to be hurt becaus
e you stayed?”

  Natalie looked up, her cheeks red. She cast a quick, embarrassed look at Noah and he tried, in that brief second, to convey his empathy, his support. He put his hand over hers to still them.

  Natalie sat straighter. “No. Logically, no. But I should have left.”

  “We can talk about all of that. And, at one point, I think we should. Right now, I’d like to start from here, from today. You didn’t leave. It’s not your fault. What now?”

  More waiting but Natalie’s fingers squeezed his hand, relieving a few of the knots in his shoulders. Her breath evened out and Noah’s heartbeat settled.

  “I want to get settled, make some new friends. I’m working for my brother.” She smiled at Noah and let go of his hand.

  Doctor Mason nodded. She didn’t take notes, and Noah wondered how she kept track of her patients.

  “I want you to set goals for yourself. I want you to reach them. It sounds like you’ve already started. My philosophy on therapy is that I am here to help you move forward. Your past has helped shape you, even if it’s wounded you. You need to accept who you are and who you want to be rather than focusing on what you wish you could change about who you were,” Dr. Mason shared.

  Noah nodded his agreement. It seemed like a good plan to Noah, maybe for both of them. He was doing everything possible to help his sister, and though he’d still love to punch her bastard-ex in the face, he couldn’t change what had happened. Hearing a professional say it was comforting.

  “I want that too,” Natalie said.

  With her shoulders squared, she seemed more confident, more like herself. Or the girl he remembered. Natalie looked back and forth between him and Tina.

  Tina turned to him. “Noah, how do you see your role in this?”

  His mind blanked for a moment before he said, “I just want to do whatever I can to help her get better. I want her to see how special and amazing she is. How strong I think she is.” His voice cracked, but he didn’t particularly care at that moment. Turning his head, he looked directly at his sister and hoped like hell she believed him. “I wasn’t there when you needed me before but I am now and I swear to you, I’m not going anywhere.”

  Natalie leaned into him and laid her head on his shoulder with a sigh. Noah’s heart clutched and he put his arm around her, pulled her closer.

  “Interesting. Do you think you could have stopped your sister’s path?”

  Noah wasn’t sure what to think of a psychiatrist labeling anything he said as ‘interesting.’ “I think I should have been there to try.”

  “It’s normal to feel guilt when someone you love has been hurt, Noah. It’s a cold sort of comfort to think we have the power to protect them, that we can make things better for them. But the truth is, Natalie’s path is her own, as is yours.”

  He thought about that, but it still didn’t sit right. He should have protected her. Natalie lifted her head and looked at him, her eyes clear.

  “Noah, I thought I loved Lyle. Mom and Dad told me he was wrong for me. My friends told me I was rushing in. I didn’t listen to them. You couldn’t have stopped me any more than they could have.”

  Dr. Mason let the silence surround them. It was almost as unnerving as the words that had been said.

  “I could have helped you,” he insisted as he looked down at the pattern in the carpet.

  Natalie gripped his arm. “You did help me. You’re helping me now.”

  “I think you can help each other move forward, but it will be harder if you stay focused on trying to change choices you’ve already made.”

  Both siblings nodded in unison. It would take time, Noah supposed, to put their choices in the past, to find acceptance, and move ahead. He had come to the appointment for Natalie, to support her and be there for her, but he left feeling slightly better about himself.

  Maddi twisted the colorful art wire into a heart. The breeze from the open window drifted over her while she kept her hands steady. She worked slowly, the sound of traffic like white noise. The wire was cold and took time to shape. Heat made it easier to bend, but she preferred the outcome of this method. It meant she had to be positive about what she wanted in the end. The cold wire was much less forgiving, but the effect was both sturdy and stunning.

  The heart was about half the size of her palm. The beauty of the piece was the different strands of color, each woven, one at a time, into the shape. Every time she turned it in her hand, the colors changed. She named it Capricious Heart. The design idea had popped into her head yesterday after she’d received the colored wire. Generally, she used silver, brass, and copper, so this was new for her. Working with it now, design ideas swirled—enough to create a unique series if she accepted the offer from Seamless.

  Despite being on her mind constantly, Maddi hadn’t made a decision. On one hand, it was a perfect opportunity, but the thought of signing a contract chilled her blood. It meant being accountable to someone else. Showing her pieces exclusively in this boutique would not affect her working conditions, online sales, or her freedom to design other pieces. But still, she hesitated.

  “All it does is guarantees you an income.” She took a deep breath and continued to twist the wire, hoping to pop the end into the center to close it off.

  She scoffed. “Closed-off heart. There’s a name.”

  Maddi needed to respond to the offer one way or the other. Going with her gut was something she’d learned at an early age. Instinct counted for a lot in her mind and, in certain circumstances, had kept her safe, maybe even alive. She didn’t trust others but she had grown to trust herself. This indecision was frustrating.

  The knock at her door startled her, but, ready for a break, she’d already set down the wire. There had been more interruptions in the last four weeks, more conversations and interactions, than she’d had in the whole year of living in Nevada. Between deliveries and ‘guests,’ she was dangerously close to having a social life. Somehow, brother and sister had snuck their way past her defenses. It didn’t escape her notice that she had come to feel more resigned than irritated by their frequent interruptions. A couple of days ago, Natalie had asked if Maddi wanted to watch a movie sometime, and she’d actually responded, “Maybe,” without thinking it through.

  Noah knew he was pushing his way into Maddi’s life. He also knew she didn’t want him to. She’d been pretty transparent about not wanting friends, of any sort, but here he was, again, unable to stay away. There was something about her that pulled at him, made him want to tug at the threads of the protective barrier she’d woven around herself like a blanket. Maybe it was just the scarring she wore so reluctantly. She couldn’t hide it completely but she tried to, and that courage just made him want to know her better.

  When she pulled open the door and those cobalt eyes met his, he knew it was more than just physical attraction, though she really was jaw-dropping gorgeous. Desire hummed along his skin even though she looked at him like he was eating up precious minutes in her day and he had better have a good reason. Maybe it was perverse, but he liked that something about him ruffled her. It meant she wasn’t unaffected.

  Noah got under her skin and she sure as hell got under his, so fair was fair. Her silky hair was piled haphazardly on top of her head and though he doubted she’d given it much thought, it looked sexy. Tempting as hell. Maddi said nothing, standing there in a pair of yoga pants that didn’t reach her ankles, bare feet, and a tank top. He wondered what she looked like in a dress or in nothing at all and had to bite back a groan.

  “What’s that?” she asked by way of hello.

  “You going to let me in?”

  “Do I have a choice?”

  The words shut down his thoughts. Noah wanted her and he wasn’t shy about letting her know. He hadn’t wanted a woman quite like this in maybe forever. Hell, he’d followed a girl almost five hundred miles, and there hadn’t been this level of desire. Even though he was willing to press a little, because he didn’t think Maddi would let him close if he
didn’t, he wouldn’t coerce.

  “You do. Tell me to go and I will,” he answered sincerely, though he hoped with everything in him that she didn’t because then he would have to leave. Her forehead creased in frustration, her brows drawing tightly together, as she studied him.

  Maddi spoke quietly. “I don’t want you here.”

  His pulse raced. “But you don’t want me to go?” he finished hopefully.

  She moved aside to let him in and his heart pinched, like she had given him a gift he hadn’t known he was waiting for. He brought the armful of bags to her kitchen counter while she shut and locked the door.

  She stood across from him on the other side of the counter. Always careful to keep her distance. “What is all of this?” she asked, peeking into the bags. He grinned as he unloaded.

  “This is what happens when you don’t know what the person you’d like to spend the evening with likes,” he replied.

  He put take-out containers of Greek salad, sushi, lasagna, and burgers in front of her. From another bag he pulled out a bottle of red wine followed by a bottle of white. In yet another, he had three Blu-ray choices. Eyes wide, Maddi looked at everything he unloaded and shook her head.

  “I think you’re a little bit crazy,” she said, checking out the movies.

  “It’s been said before so it’s probably true. But I bet there’s something here you like, right?” he asked.

  Her lips twitched and it felt like a victory. “A couple of things maybe.”

  Maddi put the movies down and went to the cupboard to get plates while he opened the bags and containers. Noah moved aside as she reached to open the drawer in front of him to get utensils. This close to her, he could smell her soap, some sort of floral scent that was doing its best to drive him crazy. She moved back to the other side of the counter, and he figured it was for the best. One little step at a time.

  “How was your day?” he asked, dishing up some of everything onto his plate. During the drive, his mouth had watered from the variety of delicious smells.