Damaged

by Jody Holford

  “I’m not leaving you. Not now and not when you finally trust me enough to tell me what the hell you’re hiding. But if you’re not going to talk to me, if you’re going to lay there and skirt around the truth, then I’m going to make a snack and watch some TV. I thought we were done with this part. Clearly we’re not. I can’t make you confide in me, but I can sure as hell prove that I mean it when I say I love you and I’m not leaving.” With that, he turned and stalked out of her room.

  Though she hated that they were fighting, that she was hiding something from him, she lay back on her bed and couldn’t stop the smile that spread on her face. Noah didn’t leave. In the kitchen, the cupboard doors banged closed, the fridge opened, and she had to stop herself from giggling. He didn’t leave. If he did, she’d survive, but she didn’t need to worry about that because he was still out there, storming around. Her next thought sobered her. If he didn’t leave, she would have to eventually open up to him. How could she ever do that?. She got up to dress.

  Maddi found him on her couch watching ESPN. He didn’t look over when she came into the room. It gave her time to study his profile wistfully. Tonight, he’d likely shave, though she didn’t mind the hint of stubble. It was strange to think she’d learned his routines. It made her realize he had likely learned hers. That’s what is supposed to happen in relationships. She wanted to unload and tell him everything, but it would be the same as pushing him out the door. Even if he didn’t leave, she didn’t want the pitying look on his face that she knew would come. Maddi began tidying the kitchen, wondering what she could put together for dinner. She wondered how long he could hold the silence. When her parents had fought, there had never been silence.

  “You going to stay over there?” Noah asked, without turning around.

  “I was thinking about it,” she replied. Relief that he’d spoken without anger made her stomach flutter. She’d learned by the age of eight that it was her family that was different from everyone else’s. When her friend’s parents argued, nothing got thrown physically or verbally. Other parents could be mad at their spouses without leaving marks. Still, Maddi had never really learned how to engage in confrontation. She hadn’t spent enough time with other families to learn from them. Noah took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. Her instincts fought to rush over, smooth things over, make things okay. But she was an adult and knew that sometimes things just didn`t work out all right.

  Still, she made the effort to go over and join him where he sat. There was a choice: she could give him nothing and he would accept it but it would impact his trust. Or, she could give him something, one tiny piece at a time. Perhaps in pieces, in small little fragments, it wouldn`t seem so horrifying.

  “It was my brother,” she said quietly. He moved his plate to the coffee table, sat up, and turned the TV off.

  “Okay.”

  Maddi turned to face him. One little fragment. Perhaps if he could carry this one little piece of her, one day he’d be able to accept more. “We haven’t talked in fifteen years. It was … unsettling to hear from him,” she admitted, trying to downplay her nerves. There was both a tightening and a lightening of her chest, which she found to be an odd sensation.

  Noah could tell, just from looking at her, that it cost her something to tell him this much. He wanted to reach over and squeeze her hand, reassure her, but he needed more, even if it cost her. This was hard for him too. He’d never had to work like this, never wanted to.

  “Why did he call?” he asked, though what he really wanted to say was, ‘Does he have anything to do with how scarred you are?’

  “I don’t know. Once I got over the shock, I hung up on him,” she replied.

  Noah had to smile a little. It would have been hang up or face the situation. He found it an odd contradiction that a woman who was clearly so strong, so capable, couldn’t face an emotional challenge, be it work related or personal.

  “Why did you hang up?”

  Maddi looked at him as if she didn’t understand the question. She rose from the couch, hesitated, then walked to the window and stared out at the sunset that was making the sky look like a postcard. His heart pinched. Jesus, he had it bad.

  “I didn’t, don’t, want to talk to him. I don’t want to go back, Noah,” she said before turning to face him.

  Her eyes were sad and he hated that.

  “It’s hard enough to go forward.”

  Noah went to join her by the window. Putting his arms around her, he drew her in and wished he could get her to tell him all of it. Until she did, there would always be something standing between them.

  “Forward or back, honey, you just go one step at a time,” he whispered, kissing the top of her head.

  “If I want to move forward with you, and I do, then I can’t go back right now. Maybe not ever,” she answered, gripping him tightly around the waist.

  He understood why she thought that, though he didn’t agree. Until she was ready, he couldn’t help her face the past, but he could help her move forward. Starting now.

  “I want to have a BBQ at my house next weekend. Ryan and his sometime-girlfriend Jenna. Nat. A couple guys from work and their girlfriends. I want you to come.”

  Maddi pulled out of his embrace but stayed where she was. “You don’t believe in standing still, do you? Letting me catch my breath?” She huffed out, a smile tipping the corners of her mouth.

  “Standing still doesn’t seem very productive,” he remarked, tucking her hair behind her ear and drawing her closer by resting his hand on her cheek. He kissed her softly.

  “I’m not a social person, Noah. You know this.”

  “I do. But I’m not a recluse, and I want the people I care about to get to know the woman I love,” he said in return. Maddi frowned.

  “I think recluse is a bit harsh,” she said.

  Noah laughed at the vexed look on her face. He used his finger to smooth the line from her forehead to the tip of her nose. “It’s just a BBQ. C’mon. I want everyone to see what a hot girlfriend I have,” he cajoled. That brought her smile out completely.

  “You’re ridiculous.” She laughed, going up on tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck.

  “Maybe. But that doesn’t make you any less hot. Say yes.”

  “Yes.”

  “Really?”

  “How can I say no after that?”

  “True. I can be very persuasive. Hard to turn down.” He laughed. She brought her mouth to his, showing that she, too, could be very persuasive.

  “Yes. You really are.”

  Chapter 14

  Maddi had been running to clear her mind since she was sixteen. Emotionally, she supposed she’d been running forever. Slowing to a cool-down pace, she took a quick sip of water. She’d cut through the park because it had some nice trails, but was wishing she were back in bed. It wasn’t working today. Her mind wouldn’t empty, and all of her thoughts crashed into each other. Noah had offered to join her, but she knew that she wouldn’t focus with him at her side. It was impossible to think when he was close by. He’d smiled, knowingly, when she’d said this and rolled over in her bed, sprawling himself over it as though he belonged there.

  It troubled her that she felt like he did. It was one of the thoughts swerving to avoid collision in her mind. There was a group of kids cutting through the park, which seemed quiet for a Saturday. A couple of them laughed at something that was said. One of the girls grabbed the taller boy’s hat making him chase her while the other two laughed. The now hatless boy caught up with the giggling girl and grabbed her around the waist. Maddi couldn’t tune out the laughter trailing after her as she took the stairs out of the park to return home. Had she ever been that easy going? Certainly not after she had been packed up and taken out of her home. Nor when she was pulled out of her temporary placement home and reassigned to a group home. Even when her social worker had shown up again, Maddi hadn’t been too concerned.

  At that time, she still believed Jason would come back for he
r. That once they were together again, everything would be as all right as it could be considering the circumstances. Once that illusion had been shattered, Maddi’s willingness to trust went downhill.

  “He’s not ready to care for you yet, Maddison. You need to accept that. I’m hoping this is your last move,” Ms. Carson said, looking into the rear view mirror.

  Maddi had met her eyes and glared at the woman, who was probably in her late twenties. She kept her blond hair held back so tightly that Maddi thought it stretched the skin on her face.

  “Maddison. The Daltons are a nice family. They have another girl your age staying with them and two boys a bit older than you.”

  “Jason is old enough to have me live with him, and you promised you would talk to him. It’s been almost two years,” she said stubbornly. She knew her voice came out in a whine, but Ms. Carson was the only one who would tell her anything about Jason. The last time she had checked in with Maddi, she had promised to see where he was at, how he was doing, and let him know where Maddi was staying.

  “Maddison. You’ve been through a lot. I know this is hard.” She sighed, twisting her body when she had stopped at a red light. “He’s not ready.”

  “Or you didn’t bother to do what you said you would. Do you even know where he is?”

  “Yes.”

  Maddison wanted to scream, sitting there in the backseat, the seat belt cutting into her stomach. Her duffle bag was on the floor beside her, and she resisted the urge to pick it up and wrap her arms around it. Ms. Carson turned a corner and pulled over to the side of the road. Maddi looked out the window. There were office buildings, a grocery store, and a 7-Eleven within eye sight. She wanted to run, but there was nowhere to go. No one wanted her.

  “Why did we stop?”

  Ms. Carson turned off the car and undid her seat belt. She turned so she was facing Maddi directly. When she spoke, her voice was soft but firm.

  “You need to make it work at this home, Maddison.”

  “I’ll do what I need to do for now. Until he comes.”

  “He’s not coming.”

  Maddi’s stomach clenched at the tone she used but told herself that Ms. Carson was wrong. Or lying. Maddi picked up the bag and hugged it close to her chest.

  “You don’t know my brother,” she had replied.

  “Not well. No. But I know you and I care about you. I don’t want you waiting on him. He’s not coming Maddi.”

  “How do you know?”

  Ms. Carson sighed heavily and stared out the window at the group of teens talking and laughing outside of the 7-Eleven. Maddi zipped and unzipped the closure on her bag. She didn’t look up when Ms. Carson started to talk, but she listened to every word.

  “Jason is in trouble, Maddison. He has been using drugs and was recently arrested for beating another boy at a club. Bad enough to put the boy in the hospital for a couple of days. This is the third time he’s been arrested for assault. The last two times, he’s been lucky that the charges were dropped. If this boy, the one in the hospital, doesn’t get better, Jason could be charged for manslaughter. I spoke to the officer who made the arrest. If he is lucky enough to escape a heavier charge, he’s going to need to go to rehab. But even if he gets his head on straight, goes to rehab, and turns himself around, he won’t be ready for you in time. I’m sorry.”

  Maddi had watched as her tears made the green canvas of her bag darker. She hadn’t looked up. She hadn’t responded. She thought about Jason. She tried to picture him hurting someone and couldn’t. But that had been true of her dad too. No one ever thought he would do something so horrible. Sometimes, you couldn’t ever know people as well as you thought you did. When Ms. Carson had dropped her off at the two-story brick home she would be staying in, she hadn’t even said good bye.

  A horn honked and startled her. The driver spread his arms in a ‘What are you doing?’ gesture, and she realized the crosswalk light had turned. She waved in apology and walk-ran across the street. She felt impatient with herself as she turned the corner onto her street. She couldn’t remember the last time running had not served its purpose. Her head was no clearer now than when she had started. She didn’t care if Jason turned himself around. Even if he had, anger and abuse were part of who he let himself become. And she didn’t need to think about him. If she couldn’t stay focused, if she kept letting the past slip in, the BBQ at Noah’s would be harder than she already expected it to be. Wishing she’d stretched more, Maddi rolled her shoulders. As she walked, she tipped her head back and finished the rest of her water, grateful to see her apartment. When she lowered the bottle, her eyes landed on a dark blue car parked at the curb. Normally, she wouldn’t have paid much attention to it except for the fact that the man in the driver’s seat watched her intently. You’re imagining things. He wore large, black sunglasses that took up a good portion of his rounded face.

  “Probably just waiting for someone,” she assured herself. Still, she quickened her pace toward the front of the building and couldn’t stop the spurt of unease from erupting inside of her.

  “See what happens when you think about the past? You see ghosts everywhere,” she muttered. Ghosts that want to hurt you, want to pull you back and remind you where you come from. Who you come from. Reaching the building, she dropped the key before getting it into the lock.

  “Breathe.”

  Refusing to look over her shoulder, Maddi finally pulled open the door and let herself inside. “You’re fine.”

  Once the door had closed behind her, she looked and saw that the car was still parked there. The driver’s body had angled toward her. From this distance, it was impossible to be sure that the eyes behind the sunglasses were directed at her. She couldn’t stop the shiver of unease that crept up her spine before she turned away.

  Noah poured a second bowl of cereal as he waited for Maddi to get back from her run. Stretching out on her couch, he checked the sports updates. He heard her key in the lock and went to put his bowl in the sink. She didn’t seem to mind when he slept over. In fact, she stayed glued to his side in the night. Last night, she’d been restless, startling herself awake quite a few times. Noah hadn’t gotten much sleep, but he was happy he had been there to tell her that she was safe; that everything was okay. It tied him in knots to think about her waking alone and scared in the night. The restless night was probably a result of the nerves she was hiding about the BBQ today.

  She’d have a good time, if she could relax and not over think it. Instead of getting dressed before she came back, Noah had decided to laze around in a pair of boxers in hopes that he could join her for her shower. When she came in, she looked a little disoriented and seemed almost surprised to see him.

  “Hey,” he said casually, grabbing a glass to pour her some water.

  “Hi,” she returned quietly, putting her keys down in the small, multicolored, ceramic bowl on a table beside the door.

  Taking her time, Maddi removed her sneakers then walked to the kitchen and put her empty water bottle on the counter. Strands of hair fell out of her ponytail, and he could see her skin was damp. It was her eyes that caught him though, as usual. They were worried. He handed her the water, and she smiled distantly.

  “Thanks.”

  He nodded and moved toward her, running his hand along her ponytail. “You okay?”

  “Sure. Just tired. You’re not dressed.”

  Noah tapped the end of her nose with his finger. “Now who’s the detective?” He was happy to see the genuine smile that took over her face, and even happier to have her put the water down and step into him. Arms around his waist, she rested her head on his bare chest. He stood there, enjoying the feeling of holding onto her, as her heart beat against his body. Noah sensed she was using the moment to pull herself back together from whatever she wasn’t saying. The closer they got, the harder it was for him not to push her for more, but he knew the past was still a forbidden zone. Hell, the present was barely allowable.

  “Why aren’t
you dressed?” she finally asked, craning her neck to look up at him.

  “I thought you might need help in the shower and wanted to be prepared,” he replied, kissing the tip of her nose.

  “Like a boy scout?” she grinned, her eyes less cautious now.

  “Exactly.”

  She stretched up on tiptoes and joined her mouth with his, and he wondered if the impact of her would ever lessen. Unlikely. Maddi overwhelmed him in a way no one else ever had. Without saying a word, she took his hand and led him to her small, sparkling clean bathroom. Having spent a fair amount of time with her lately, he didn’t know how she managed to keep everything so organized and neat. He was hardly ever home and, still, his house could always use a good cleaning.

  Maddi let go of his hand to reach in and turn on the shower before turning to face him. She ran her hand along his chest slowly and watched as it trailed over him. In turn, he watched her. It still surprised and thrilled him when she reached out for him, when she made the first move. Slipping two fingers into the elastic of his boxers, she stepped closer. Noah inhaled sharply, heart pounding as her lips pressed feather-light kisses to his collarbone.

  His fingers pressed into her hips. “Maddi,” he groaned.

  Her lips curved against his skin. “Noah,” she said.

  He could hear the smile in her voice. Whatever she’d brought in with her from the run, she’d let it go and was fully with him now. “You drive me a little crazy,” he whispered. She nipped at his shoulder and his hands tightened, sensation swamping him.