Finding Home

by Kelley, Aine

  “Go home, Nathan. Thanks for the apology, but it’s time for both of us to move on. Enjoy your life with Nic, or whoever you decide to fuck with, because I’m done with you fucking up mine!”

  With that statement, I turn around, unlock the door, and push it open. Jenny follows in behind me and skips down the hallway with her hands up in the air. She’s giving me a “what, what” and smiles at me with amusement. I was so caught up with finally telling Nathan off that I’d forgotten Jenny had even been standing there.

  Yelling into the night air, I can hear him. “Yeah, well fuck you. This was a mistake. We were a mistake.” I want to turn around and flip him off, but I make my body keep moving forward. I will not give him the satisfaction. Only moving forward from now on. He will not get to me.

  I feel Jenny’s arm wrap around me. “Damn, girlfriend! You did it. You got some huge balls, just like mine.” I grin at her statement, but for the first time in a year, I feel like she’s right—I got some huge balls, and I’m not afraid to use them—nothing’s going to stop me now!

  Sitting on Jenny’s bed, I try to collect myself before facing my family. Jenny’s room still looks like it did in high school. Trophies from running track and swimming are on her shelves. Posters from some vampire book grace her walls, along with countless other movies and pop stars. It gives me a headache when I think about her blasting the God-awful music she listened to on my radio. She will be home soon, and the whirlwind that’s my sister will come in like a hurricane.

  Thinking about her graduation coming up, I start to feel guilty for not attending. I have a huge rugby tournament that weekend. Players are traveling from all over the U.S. to participate. Jenny said she’s fine with me not making it, but I feel terrible about it. She says I only need to get her a big ass present to make up for it.

  Looking at the photo of us sitting on her dresser, I realize that she’s all grown up. It’s crazy to think that my little sister’s graduating from college and will be learning the family business from me. We will be running this winery together. My hope is that she loves my ideas for expansion. It would be great to have her support when explaining my ideas to our dad.

  My mother yelling up the stairs that dinner’s ready quickly interrupts my thoughts. I stand and head into the bathroom to quickly wash up. Taking a moment to check how I look in the mirror, I give myself a chest bump and say, “You can do this. Get your head in the game. Drive that scrum and push your team over the goal line. Dad will agree to this!” Feeling refreshed and ready for the family, I exit the bathroom and make my way down the stairs.

  “Wow, Mom, something sure smells delicious!” I reach around her to dip my finger into her sauce. We aren’t Italian, but my mom can cook the best red sauce. She tells us her secret ingredient is lots of our red wine.

  She slaps my hand and shoos me away. “Go help your grandfather; he’s outside sitting in his favorite spot.” I nod and make my way out back. I miss my gramps. He loves to sit under the large oak tree and read every afternoon, just happy to sit and watch the evening activities unfold in front of him as work wraps up for the day. I use the term “watch” loosely, since it’s really more of him dictating how things should be done.

  On my way outside, I pause and look at the oak tree that Beth and I would sit under for hours at night. She loved this spot. At night we would look up at the stars and make plans. The familiar sharp pain hits me in my chest, forcing me to stop and take a breath. Her memory is still present everywhere.

  I can hear Gramps shouting to Carlos, our ranch hand, about something that he forgot to do as I approach him. “Hey Gramps, I see you’re still barking orders to everyone around here.”

  He looks at me with some irritation that’s quickly replaced by humor, “Well, if they would just do it my way, there wouldn’t be a problem. So, how’s my favorite grandson?” He always says that when he sees me.

  “Gramps, I’m your only grandson.”

  “Well, that’s why you’re my favorite,” he says with a slight chuckle.

  I reach my hand down to give him a firm handshake. “I’m doing okay. I’ve been busy putting together a business prospectus to share with Dad. It needs to go perfectly this weekend.”

  Gramps points to the chair next to him, motioning me to sit. “Look, that’s great bullshit, Ben, but tell me like it really is.”

  Pausing for a moment, I try to decide how much I want to share with him. He’s the only one in my family who doesn’t push me to move on. He’s my one person I can let loose with. “I’m not going to lie. It’s been difficult lately. Some days are better than others. Work and rugby keep me going.”

  Gramps looks me in the eyes with concern. “Look Ben, I’ve been quiet for a long time because I respected your right to grieve, but I’m worried about you. You’re young and have your whole life ahead of you.” He touches my arm and with a determined look says, “I understand what it feels like to have love and then loss. Your grandma was my world, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t stop and think of her. We had forty years together, and she was the love of my life.” I look away from him because his words are too much to take in, but he continues.

  “Ben, I know Beth is your world, but you have a whole lot more living to do. I’m too old for a relationship, but that doesn’t mean if some lady came my way I would turn a blind eye.” He winks at me and gives me a smirk. “Your grandmother was sick for a long time, but she told me she wanted me to be happy and live my life fully.” Looking at him, I can see he understands loss. “Don’t be a fool, boy. When you love someone, they want what’s best for you, no matter what. Beth loved you like that, and she would want you to have the best. She would want you to be happy and live the life you’re meant to.”

  My face feels hot and flushes as another wave of nausea strikes me. Gramps has a way of getting to me like no one else. I really want to believe in what he’s saying. I’m sure Beth would want me to be happy, but how do I do that? Rubbing my neck to calm the queasiness, I find words to answer him. “I hear what you’re saying, but it’s easier said than done. How do I do it?”

  Gramps lightly slaps me on the back and says, “If you’re ready, then I’ll help you. Listen to your old gramps and do what I say. Take each day as it comes and try to move forward. Open your eyes. It’s time, Ben.”

  I shake my head while silently agreeing to myself to make an effort. Maybe he’s right. I can’t keep living and grieving like this. Beth would want more for me, just like I would want more for her. Trying to sound surer of myself than I really am, I put my hand out for him to shake it. “Okay old man, you’ve got yourself a deal! Come on, it’s time for dinner.” Helping Gramps out of his chair, we slowly make our way to the house. Just as we reach the steps I look over at the old oak tree and think of her. Suddenly, a strong breeze rustles through the leaves. Looking up, I can’t help but wonder if this is the sign I wanted earlier from Beth. My mouth turns upward. “Time to move forward, Gramps, it’s time to move forward.”

  Finally, things feel like they are coming together. After my nightmare of a run-in with Nathan a week ago, I have officially put my past behind me. Graduation is just one week away, and the growing excitement around campus is contagious. Jenny and I are enjoying the last few weeks of college life, which includes drunken pub-crawls and rooftop parties.

  While other friends are searching for jobs, I’m all set. The school I completed my student teaching in has hired me, as their kindergarten teacher for this fall. I am feeling very lucky. But the one thing that truly bums me out is that Jenny will soon head back to California to work with her family. We’ve been through so much together. I’m not ready to say goodbye to that.

  She’s helped me with my family drama, and I hugged her while she cried over her love life … or lack thereof. When her brother’s fiancée, Beth, died, I held her while we watched old black and white movies until she fell asleep. She’s like a sister to me. She’s the one person I can count on; she’s my family. My own
parents don’t count. I can only imagine what graduation next week will be like with them both present in the same room. God, I can feel the headache already. There are not enough shots of tequila to prepare me for the drama.

  Our apartment is beginning to feel lonely and sad. Our crap is being packed into boxes, and we have piles set aside for donation. My leap into adulthood includes me renting my very own apartment, all by myself. It feels strange to think of living all alone, but it’s time to break out.

  Walking over to the freezer, I open it and smile. It’s always stocked with our favorite ice creams. Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Chunk is calling my name so I grab the pint and a spoon and pull off the top. My somber mood requires immediate medicating with the yummy goodness.

  Last night, Jenny crafted plans for me to visit her over Christmas break. California at Christmas time sounds like heaven. Spending a holiday away from my family drama is fine by me. Plus I get to see where she grew up. The Fosters own Moon Dance Winery in Napa Valley. In all of the years I’ve known Jenny, I’ve have never been to visit. However, I do get to enjoy the delicious wine she brings back for us to drink on our movie nights—always paired with savory dark chocolate.

  The one time we actually had a trip organized, it got cancelled because of Beth’s death. Even though it was spring break, the timing was too much for her family. I understood completely, and since then we could never get our schedules in sync to plan another visit.

  My attempt to self-medicate via sugar is futile. Things change, and there isn’t much I can do to stop it. Digging my spoon in deeper to find the chunkiest part, I try to stay positive and look on the bright side. I have a job that I love, and I’m going to have my own apartment in Boston. My life has a new path to follow.

  While taking the last bite, and not caring that I ate the whole pint, I hear the familiar ring of my phone. Frantically, I search for where the sound is coming from. Answering without sounding too irritated, my school principal identifies himself, and immediately my gut tells me he’s not calling for a friendly chat. The nausea that rolls in doesn’t help with the chocolate chunk sitting in my stomach.

  At the first sign of an impending disaster, I break out my supplies—chocolate, wine, favorite flicks—and get lost in the peace they bring me. When you see all of them in front of me, you know the situation is dire. While I’m sipping on red wine, Jenny walks in and quickly takes stock of the situation. I can tell by the look on her face that she knows I’m in bad shape. She walks over to the kitchen and grabs a spoon and glass then sits next to me on the couch. When her hand touches the remote to pause the movie, the guttural growl that comes out is something out of the show, When Animals Attack.

  “Okay, girl, spill it now. I know it’s bad when you’ve broken out all the comforts … and you’re watching Say Anything.” Her hand touches mine, forcing me to look at her. “What gives, Sam?”

  I try to speak, but nothing comes out. I barely manage lifting my hand to gesture that I need a minute. My favorite part is on so I press play to finish watching. John Cusack is holding the boom box over his head, Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” is serenading through his girl’s bedroom window. The love he feels for her is so beautifully expressed in that scene and there’s no dialogue. It’s in the song and in his face. He’s determined to make her his again and to love her. God, I love this movie. I can only dream of that kind of grand romantic gesture.

  My mind drifts off to the first time I saw this movie that has become my favorite. I was with my mom. My parents had been divorced for a while, and she had been in one of her rare caring moods. She planned a movie night and rented it. It’s one of the few nice memories I have of her. “Sam, you will know a man truly loves you when he’s willing to give up everything to be with you. When he wants to do whatever it takes to make you happy. When he gives you his heart completely—his heart for your heart.”

  With my favorite scene complete, I stop the movie and turn toward Jenny. It’s time to talk. My chocolate-induced coma is wearing off.

  With a look of deep concern in her eyes, Jenny touches my hand. “You only watch this movie when you’re down. Shit, Sam. What the hell happened?” When I glance up at her, she must notice the faint redness on my face from crying. “Oh my God, you’ve been crying! Did Nathan come by again? I swear to God, I’ll hang him by his balls. I’ll ...” I cut Jenny off from saying anymore.

  “It’s not Nathan. It’s just been an incredibly shitty day! My principal called, and apparently my job is slashed from the budget.” I rub my hands across my face, trying to get relief from my sudden headache. “So, no job means no money for my apartment. Suddenly I’m moving backward instead of forward.” My hand reaches for hers and grips it tightly as defeat sets in.

  “No shit! For real?” She takes her spoon and steals a bite of my ice cream. I fight the urge not to smack her hand away. “Wow, that sucks, but hey, it gave you a good excuse to break into the ice cream stash!” Jenny’s smile is contagious, and I find myself grinning back at her. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll figure out something, we always do!” She takes another scoop, and this time I give her the death glare. “Hey now, give me some of that. I can’t help you on an empty stomach!” She winks while I reluctantly move the pint toward her.

  “You can always talk to your parents to see if they’ll help out? You know, maybe some great miracle occurred and they turn into normal people.” We both break out into hysterics as we devour the rest of the carton.

  Sitting out on my patio, eating breakfast, I feel pretty pleased with myself. Last weekend was eye-opening on so many levels. Talking with my dad about the winery changes went better than expected. He thought we should bring Jenny into the discussion so I felt optimistic about the prospect of expanding the business. Jenny’s on the same page as me and had some great ideas of her own. She’s coming home this week, and I’m anxious to start and get my mind lost in the project.

  The sound of the doorbell disrupts my productive thoughts. I look at the clock and realize that it’s Jack coming by to pick me up. We have a rugby tournament this weekend and we need to get to the pitch.

  Rugby. I love playing. It’s helped me get through the past two years. The sport and the guys I play with. The bell stops just as the knocking begins.

  “Jesus Christ, Jack, I’m coming!” Sounds of him thumping while making lewd sounds greet me as I open the door.

  “You were coming? Rubbing one out again, Ben? That’s a quick one,” Jack jokes.

  “Fuck off, man. Jerking off before a game is more your style.” I step aside to let him in.

  “You ready to go, man? You got your kit?” Jack asks as he makes his way into the kitchen to grab some food.

  “Yeah, I just need to call Jenny real quick. She’s graduating today, and I told her I would call. I still feel like an ass for missing it.”

  “How’s Jenny doing? I can’t believe she’s done with school. That’s just crazy.” Jack stops to take bite out of his bagel. “It seems like yesterday I was terrorizing and teasing her!” We chuckle at the memories.

  “When she coming home?” Jack asks with his mouth full.

  I slide my finger across the phone and press down to dial her number. “She comes home next week.” Jack starts to ask me something else, but I put my hand up to stop him. “Hey Bean, how’s the big time college graduate? I wish I could be there with you to celebrate.” My eyes betray my cool demeanor. “I miss you Bean, and I can’t wait to see you next week.” Jack whacks me on the back of my head. “Dude, what the hell!”

  Jack looks at me with pride before yelling to Jenny, “Congrats Bean Pole, your pussy of a brother is getting a little misty-eyed.”

  “Fuck off!” I grumble back while returning to our conversation. I wish her luck and tell her that I will call after the tournament to let her know how we did.

  “I won’t be holding my breath waiting for your call, dear brother. If you win, I’m pretty sure the beers will be flowing all night, and you’ll be
right there with them!” I can only laugh when she hangs up. She’s not wrong.

  We play friggin’ brilliantly and win the championship round. Now it’s time to party. I’m hanging out with all my mates and members from the other rugby teams. In rugby, when the match is done, everyone drinks together. The drinking and camaraderie are some of the best parts of the sport. To have a drink with the guy on the other team who knocked you down to the ground and threw a few punches at you is a big part of the game—you shake hands and raise a pint with each other.

  I feel pretty high from the win and my brain is getting fuzzy from the multitude of drinks I’ve had. Jack brings me over another one. “Hey dickhead, you need to call Bean Stalk!” Jack turns to our teammate Dave. “This should be good. He’s feeling the brew tonight—should make for an interesting conversation.” Grumbling at them, I make my way out of the pub. Looking at the time on my phone, I try to mentally calculate what time it is in Boston. Pressing send, I hope she’s still up. As it rings, I try to compose my slightly inebriated self.

  What I didn’t expect is hearing a different voice on the other end, a beautiful voice that lifts me up instantly.

  “Hello, this is Sam speaking.” It’s been awhile since I last spoke to her. She would answer Jenny’s phone occasionally, and we would briefly talk, but I never really listened before. My mind was always too wrapped up in my grief, so I guess my attention was off.

  I’m taken aback at how amazing her voice sounds. She sounds soft, sweet, but sultry. Sultry … where did that come from? It takes me a moment to get myself together and respond. “Hi Sam. It’s Ben.” It’s all I can manage to say without sounding like an idiot. I haven’t experienced a reaction like this in a long time, and it scares me shitless.