Finding Home

by Kelley, Aine

  I’m having a great time and I feel happy. It’s hard to think back to a time when I’ve felt this good. As much fun as I’m having, I feel that I need to talk to her about Beth. My time with Sam is so special, and I don’t want to ruin anything. Being with her is more than I ever thought possible. On some level it’s even more than I had with Beth.

  But my mind still drifts to Beth and the pain over the accident. Guilt gnaws away at me, and it’s not just over that horrific day. It’s guilt in regards to my feelings for Sam. I think it’s time to set up some boundaries so neither of us goes too far over our heads. Who am I kidding … I’m already drenched.

  “Sam, this dinner’s been amazing, and I can’t remember the last time I’ve had such a good time. When I think back to my first date with Beth, we hardly spoke to each other. I needed several beers in me just to loosen up. But talking with you and being with you feels so natural. It’s surreal. You’re surreal.” I take a hold of her hand and kiss it gently. She sucks in a deep breath and lets it out. “I need to tell you something. It’s weighing heavily on me.” I can feel my hands shake. “You know it’s been two years since I’ve had sex. All this talk and kissing is exhilarating, and my body is reacting to you like a horny teenager.” I see her blush slightly, and it’s beautiful. “It’s exciting and scary for me. I just don’t know if I’m ready for that level of intimacy.”

  Her eyes darken and her brows scrunch. “This is hard to admit, and the last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings. You have to know the truth. It’s only fair to both of us.” Gripping her hand tighter, I try my best to look her in the eyes. “Beth is still in my head. Even though I feel this wonderful pull toward you, her memory’s still there. Please don’t freak out and run from me. Although thoughts of her still linger, I can’t deny my thoughts of you.” I feel her thumbs brush over my knuckles, and she looks down at our joined hands. “My feelings are strong for you and for us, but until Beth’s not at the forefront of my mind, I think it’s best to hold off on sex.” I take a hand away and rub my forehead. I suck at this.

  Sam reaches for her wine and takes a sip. “You don’t suck at this.” Shit, did I say that out loud?

  “I know what you’re trying to say, but I’m just not sure what to make of it.” She places the glass back down before continuing, “I get it, Ben. I really do get it. I’m not stupid. I know you still hurt. I can see it in your eyes sometimes. But, you know, there are times when I see happiness and light, too.” I watch her take a long deep breath. “On some strange level I get where you’re coming from in regards to sex.” She closes her eyes. “I have something for you to think about, and you don’t have to tell me how you feel about it right now.” She looks determined now, and it is so sweet.

  “Given everything you’ve been through, I know Beth’s memories will always be a part of you and present in some way. I would never ask you to forget her; it’s part of what makes you, you. Ugh! I guess what I’m trying to say is, I know she’ll be there, but we are here, I am here.”

  I reach out for her hand, and she gives it to me. “I hear what you’re saying and you’re right. I do know that I adore you, and you amaze me.” I smile at her, and she returns the gesture.

  “But Ben, when we decide to have sex, I do want you only thinking of me. Wanting only me.” Her face casts downward, but her eyes never leave mine.

  “How did I get so lucky to have you enter my life? You were just this voice and picture for years, and now you’re here, in person, making me remember what it feels like to be alive again. Thank you for being here with me. I may need a few reminders now and then, but you are here, with me in the present and hopefully my future.”

  She blinks her eyes a few times as they tear up. “I need you to know that this is hard for me to talk about. It hurts, but I really do understand where you’re coming from. It’s not your fault, it just hurts.” More tears trickle down her face. “I know Beth was it for you, and you had the kind of love most people only dream about.” She closes her eyes as if trying to stop her tears. “I guess I’m wondering or maybe hoping I could be your new person. Someday.”

  I squeeze her hand and hold firm. She continues to blow me away. I don’t know how she does it, but she lays it all out there, and it’s scary and maddening. She opens her mouth to speak, and it’s soft. “Now, please, don’t get spooked on me. I think it’s important to put how I feel out in the open. I know you love Beth, and I’m not trying to replace her. I just want to have a chance to be with you and discover things about us and what we can become.”

  It’s my turn to let out a long sigh. She makes me feel ripped to shreds while simultaneously filling my heart. “Sam … I—”

  “Please, let me finish. You feel like home to me. Let’s figure out if we can be more to each other. Let’s see if our hearts can find their way back home.”

  This girl floors me in so many ways. She seems to be able to say everything I’m thinking. I didn’t think it was possible to find someone who you’re in sync with for a second time. Maybe this could work out. Gramps has to be right about Beth wanting me to be happy. If the roles were reversed, I would want her to find love again. My problem is learning to let go of the bad and embracing the good. That’s easier said than done.

  I love watching her react to the movie. The gigantic smile on her face melts my heart, and when I see her mouth the lines, I know I’m a goner. She’s a definite romantic. She looks at me when Baby and Johnny crawl across the floor toward each other and looks so sexy mouthing the words to the song. Her eyebrows shoot up suggestively, and I can’t help but kiss her. Not a quick peck, but a full-on kiss. It’s not until we feel popcorn thrown at our heads do we break away. I lean in and whisper, “Yep, definitely feel like a teenage boy around you. Now I’m making out at the movies. What’s next? The back seat of my car?”

  She turns to my ear and seductively whispers back to me, “That could be arranged. I do like your car, but Red would be jealous if we didn’t christen her first.” Moaning, I go back in for one more. She allows me to give her one more peck and then playfully pushes me off. “Hey, watch the movie. It’s almost the end. I love the big dance finale.”

  The drive home is much better this time around. For one thing, I’m holding her hand and we are actually talking to each other. She really loves movies as much as she loves music. “You’re like a savant or something. Music and movies, you are something else. How do you know so much?” She looks out the car window, and I can tell she’s in deep thought.

  “It’s like I told you before—movies were my thing with my mom. She liked to share all the classics with me. I grew up watching the 80’s movies and they’re pretty special to me. She shrugs her shoulders and laughs. “It’s silly, but that’s how I roll.”

  “I like how you roll. Don’t be anything but you.” I look at her quickly and wink. I love watching her body react. “You’re so beautiful. I could look at you forever. Unfortunately, I have to keep my eyes on the road.”

  The next thing I know, she’s unbuckling and shifting closer to me. My whole body starts to shake, and I can feel a panic attack coming on. I quickly pull over into a grass field on the side of the road and freeze. I faintly feel her hand touch my shoulder. I can’t even look at her. “What are you doing? Buckle up! Don’t ever unbuckle when driving. Okay! Okay?” I jump out of the car and try in vain to catch my breath and control the panic in my chest. “FUCK!” I yell out into the night air. I bend over and try to take controlled breaths.

  “Ben, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” I feel her hands slide down my arms, and her head rests on my back. “I’m sorry. I never meant to upset you. I thought I would get as close to you as I could.” I shift her body slightly as I take her down to the ground with me. I pull her into me and hug her fiercely and protectively as I try to get my emotions in check.

  “Talk to me, Ben. What’s going on? Whatever it is, we can figure it out. I’m here.” I can’t even speak. I can only hold her while ugly visions of that
night emerge in my head. I don’t want to break down in front of her, but my body and mind are functioning at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. My breath increases as my heart rate skyrockets. “Breathe with me, Ben. Look at me. Look me in the eyes. I’m right here. Breathe with me.”

  My eyes meet her pleading ones. “Breathe with me.” I watch her take a deep breath—inhaling and exhaling. I join her on the second breath. We breathe in unison several times before the panic lessens. My body relaxes, and the anxiety dissipates. We focus on our breathing and stare intensely at each other, as if peeking into our souls.

  “That’s it. You’re coming back to me.” She smiles sweetly and caresses my cheeks while kissing my forehead with tenderness and care. Her kisses reach my cheeks, nose, and chin; only my lips have been neglected.

  It’s time for me to speak. “You’ve cut me open, and I feel like I’m bleeding here. Only one other person saw me this way, and she died.” Guilt creeps in, but I know that it’s now or never. The look on Sam’s face pushes me to go on. Taking a shaky deep breath, I continue. I hope she’ll understand me and not leave.

  “It’s time I told you the whole story of what happened that night. No one knows the full version. They only know what I told them I remembered. Promise me you won’t interrupt until I’m done, and please understand this is really hard for me. I’m not sure how I’ll be after, so please, bear with me.”

  “I understand. I’m here for you, always. “My grip around her tightens, hoping my hug will tell her how much she means to me. It hits me then—she means more to me than I realized. Telling her will help free the guilt from me; at least that’s what I hope. I adjust her off my lap so that we are sitting in front of each other. She moves her legs over mine and slides as close as she can without straddling me. Her hands crawl up my arms to cup my face. She doesn’t say anything, but her eyes tell me that she’s here to listen, hold me, and comfort me.

  “I’m telling you because it didn’t occur to me until tonight how much I care for you—how much I want to be free and open for you and us. I feel myself falling for you.”

  She takes her hands off my face and rests them on my forearms. “I care so much for you, Ben. I thought I didn’t need to care or believe again. Somehow you’ve found your way in, and I’m falling slowly.”

  Listening to her, it hits me. This is the moment. The moment I regain consciousness. I’m falling in love with her. “I’ll always catch you, and if our grip should loosen along the way, I’ll make sure to hold on tighter for both of us.” My lips find hers in a soft, sweet kiss, and my broken heart becomes whole.

  This is it. I’m in love. I briefly wonder how I managed to get myself into this again, but this time feels different. It’s not just a physical or emotional love. It’s a spiritual love, too. I’m connecting with him on a completely different level. So I sit here, legs entwined with his, and allow my heart to be open. Whatever he has to tell me will affect the dynamic between us.

  Ben opens his mouth to talk while I catch my shaky breath. “I meant what I said. You see me, all of me.” He pauses, and I wait for what he’s trying to get out. “I met Beth when we were in college. We kind of grew and changed together, and she matured me. As we got older, our lives went off in different directions. We both believed in us, so we made sacrifices for the other.

  I watch Ben look away as if he’s struggling for what to say next. “She loved the idea of the winery and me taking over, but she also liked living in the city. We worked balancing our adult lives and growing with the changes. We were mapping out our future when all our plans were taken away in an instant. She was taken from me that night, and a big part of me was taken, too.”

  I can feel the bile rising in my throat. I want to hear what he has to say, but it scares me. It’s obviously a huge burden that he carries daily. Not being able to talk is torture, but I promised not to interrupt. So instead I take hold of his hands and wait.

  “We hadn’t been engaged long. We were heading out of town down the coast to Carmel for the weekend. We were going there to celebrate our engagement. We were so happy that day.” He pulls one hand away and rubs at his neck. “We were talking about wedding plans and how our parents were getting a bit crazy with all of it. We were joking around, but I could tell she was excited to plan it. We thought one of the old missions in Carmel would be a beautiful place to get married.”

  Ben squeezes my hand like a vice, and I want to whimper, but I’m afraid if I make a noise he’ll stop talking. “This is a lot harder to talk about. Shit.” I watch him close his eyes and squeeze them shut for several seconds.

  Ben breaks contact with me and bolts up to his feet. He paces back and forth, and I still keep my mouth shut. I follow him up and reach for his wrist so he knows I’m here. He keeps his body turned away from me, staring into the distance.

  “Anyway, she had this big folder filled with magazines and shit. It was packed in the back seat. She was jumping up and down in her seat from all the excitement. I remember her turning to me and smiling the biggest grin I’d ever seen on her. She took my hand and pressed light kisses on it, and everything felt right in that moment.”

  Turning into me, he places his hand at the curve of my neck, rubbing his thumb delicately back and forth along my jaw line. “The next thing I remember is smiling back at her while she unbuckled her seatbelt.” Ben presses his forehead on to mine, his eyes shut tight. “Why didn’t I say something? I just watched her unbuckle and lean over to me. I felt her kiss my neck and cheek, tickling them with her nose. She whispered in my ear that she loved me, and that’s when my eyes looked into the rearview mirror.”

  Ben’s shaking body and the wetness on my face prompt me to speak up. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say anymore. I understand why you got angry about the seatbelt.”

  I can hear his breath heaving as if trying to expel all the hurt and pain. “I need to finish. You need to know what happened. I think it will explain why it’s been difficult moving my life forward.”

  “Okay. If you want to tell me then I want to hear everything you have to say. Just know that if you need to stop, I get it.”

  He nods his head as he wipes his tears away. His tears are cathartic and make my love for him real. “It’s so fucking stupid. I was approaching a red light and slowing the car down. All she did was unbuckle to kiss me. I’m not sure why I looked in the mirror—instinct, I guess. I could see the truck coming closer, and it didn’t register to me that it wasn’t slowing down. I fucking stared at it while it approached us. My body felt paralyzed, and my mouth wouldn’t work. Finally, her laughter brought me back to reality. She had no fucking clue the truck was coming. I yelled at her to sit down and pushed her body back to the seat. My foot pressed down on the gas pedal as I frantically turned the wheel, but there was nowhere to go. I couldn’t get us out.”

  Ben takes several steps backward away from me. The sharp ache in my chest is probably nothing like his. This story is only going to get worse, and there’s nothing I can do to help him. He wants to tell their ending, and I have to listen while I watch him relive his pain and grief.

  I know that I have to keep telling her, but the painful memories are too much. I haven’t really spoken about it in so long. At night it haunts my dreams, and during the day I try to bury it. I feel my jaw clench as my fists open and squeeze shut. It’s time to face the image of Beth dying in my arms while I’m awake.

  I suck in my breath before continuing, “I yelled again for her to sit back and buckle, but somehow I knew it was too late. I could see the panic in her eyes. I think she yelled my name and reached out for me. It all happened so fast that it felt like a blur. I reached my arm across her to try and lessen the impact. But I knew it wouldn’t be enough.”

  I reach my arm out to Sam in a protective gesture, like I’m reliving the moment. “The impact of the crash seemed like a high speed runaway train roaring down the track without brakes. There was no way my arm could hold her, but it was all I could think o
f doing.”

  I hear her footsteps scrape across the dirt as she approaches me. Her hand reaches out for me, but I shake her off. I don’t think I can handle her touch right now. Instead, I sit back down with my head hanging low between my legs, trying to control my breathing. Looking into Sam’s eyes is not an option. Her body sits beside me and I let the silence of the night fill in the gaps.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been quiet, but finally I feel I can continue. “I watched her body fling forward into the windshield. The look on her face as her head hit the windshield haunts me. The sound of the glass crunching and crackling will be one I’ll never forget … and the blood. There was so much fucking blood. It was everywhere dripping off of her and onto my hands.” My tears flow freely again as her soft touch rubs my back.

  “The worst fucking part was the look in her eyes. I saw so many emotions pass through them. First it was fear, then it quickly moved to pain, sorrow, loss, love, and then peace. I touched her face as she trembled and took her last breath. I whispered I love yous to her and told her she’d be okay, but I knew she wouldn’t be. She blinked a few times as her breath weakened. I held her close to me and listened as her breaths decreased. There was chaos all around us, but I couldn’t let her go.” I lift my head up and chance a look at Sam. The sorrow in her eyes is one I’m familiar with.

  “I think she knew she was dying. I kissed her lips softly as she continued to stare deeply at me. She blinked a few tears down her face and with what strength she had left, touched my cheek. Her lips curved up slightly as if saying goodbye and then nothing. She was gone. I held her as she died in my arms. I watched her take her last breath and leave me.”