Finding Home

by Kelley, Aine

  “Great advice as usual, Mom. But I’m okay right now. There’s someone out there for me; I just haven’t met him yet.”

  Jenny’s mom gives her a knowing look. “Maybe you already have, sweetie.” With that, she leaves the room.

  “What do you think she means by that? Believe me, any guy I’ve already met or dated is not my ‘one.’”

  “I don’t know, girl. Your mom’s a wise woman. Keep your eyes open and out of your books.” I wink at her before smacking her on the arm. “I’m starving, let’s eat!” I look over at the pile of Ben’s things and decide that I need to bring the picture to him tonight.

  Everything is ready for our dinner tonight. The bowtie pasta with fresh garlic, tomatoes, mozzarella, basil, and grilled marinated chicken is ready to serve. The chardonnay has been chilling and will complement the dish perfectly.

  The loft is clean and the sheets have been changed on the bed. I’m so friggin’ restless that my hair is in a million different directions from running my hands through it.

  I check myself in the mirror one last time, while my mind flashes to last night. She’s managed to capture me, and I’m coming undone around her. Maybe she’s what I need right now.

  I laugh thinking about how right she was last night. My release came so hard and fast as I screamed her name that I haven’t completely recovered yet. She thinks I’ve gone all alpha male, but the truth is, she brings it out in me. My desire and hunger for her when she’s near drives me to the brink of madness.

  Tonight will be good for us. Hopefully, she can tear down some of her walls, and I can keep mine from going back up. I want everything to be perfect for us.

  Looking over at the bed, I wonder if tonight will be the night. My palms begin to sweat and the butterflies in my gut are wreaking havoc. “Cut the shit, Ben. It’s not like you haven’t done this before.” I glance at the bed one more time. I’m acting like a fucking virgin all over again. Besides, it may not happen tonight. I don’t want to rush things. Sam has got to take the lead on when we become more intimate.

  My heartbeat kicks up another notch when I hear her soft knock on my door. Nervously, I open the door. The beauty who is Sam eases my nerves and self-doubt when she looks at me and simply says, “Hi.”

  “Hey. You look beautiful. Please, come in.” She has on a short jean skirt and a light blue sweater that falls off the shoulder. Images of nibbling her exposed shoulder flood my brain and awaken my throbbing dick.

  She hands me the tray she brought for dessert. I notice that she made chocolate covered strawberries. “Chocolate? Why am I not surprised?”

  She bends her head down, laughing softly. “I’m a sucker for anything chocolate.” She walks over to the counter and places a bag on it. “Mmm. What did you make? It smells delicious.” As if on cue her stomach growls, and she covers it with her hands.

  “You and that stomach of yours. It will always tell me when you’re ready to eat.”

  “My stomach knows when it’s about to have something yummy.”

  “Well, I hope you’ll like it. It’s kind of a specialty of mine.” I grab her hand and move her to the stove. Lifting the cover off the simmering sauce, I ladle some for her to taste.

  “Mmm. That’s incredible! Do you like to cook?”

  Shrugging my shoulders, I continue. “When I have the time or when I want to share a meal with someone special.”

  “Oh? You gave me the impression that you hadn’t dated in a while?” Her sense of unease is perceptible.

  “That was my lame attempt to act smooth. No dates. Unless you want to count Jack as my someone special.” I laugh it off, but my off-handed remark has changed the climate in the room. An instant change of topic is in order.

  “Would you like a tour?” She shakes her head yes while I open up my arms. “This is pretty much it. It’s an open floor plan. What you see is what you get. I do have a bathroom just down the hall. At the end of the hall there’s a small porch and backstairs. But everything else is right here. Kitchen, living room, dining room, and, of course, the bedroom.”

  Sam looks around, walking in a circle. She smiles as she eyes the bed, and I can see the sudden coyness in her demeanor. Her face turns a light shade of pink as her eyes dart away.

  I place my arm on her lower back and point at the table. “I set the table, but if you prefer, we can sit on the floor and eat at the coffee table?”

  She looks over at the floor and smiles. “I like that idea. I’m more of a casual diner. I can take my shoes off, and we can relax.”

  I love that she wants to kick off her shoes and sit on the floor. She moves her bag and sets it down next to the couch. I’ll have to ask later what she’s got in it. Working together, we bring over the dishes and re-set the table. Since my stupid comment, she hasn’t said much, and the awkwardness has me worried.

  As if she senses my concern, she sets the glasses down and reaches for my hands. “I’m sorry I’m so quiet. I feel a bit nervous right now. And the thing is, I shouldn’t be. I always feel so comfortable around you, but your bed is in my line of vision at all times.”

  I place my hands around her waist, pulling her into me. “Well, I’m glad that I’ve finally made you nervous, because I was starting to feel all alone here.”

  “Well, it’s not necessarily you; it’s more the what.” She points her finger toward the bed that causes laughter to spread between us.

  I hold her close to my body while I rest my chin on her head. “Okay. I can admit that I’m nervous about that, too. It’s nice to know that I affect you in the same way. Sometimes, when I’m around you, my emotions are all over the place. So I’ll take nervous any way I can get.” Her soft sigh stirs my dick again, and I decide I should hurry up and serve the meal.

  We eat and talk casually about anything and everything. It’s awesome how easy it is to talk to her. She mentions that she’s going into the city tomorrow to shop for the ball. It’s a perfect segue into my next topic of conversation.

  “You will have a great time shopping in the city. Are you excited to go to the ball?”

  “I am. I’ve never really been to anything this formal, so I think it will be fun. Are you going?”

  “Yeah, I kind of have to since we’re hosting part of it. It’s kind of a progressive night. People can purchase tickets to different events throughout the night and weekend. Some are casual, and some are more formal.”

  “Wow, that sounds wonderful! I didn’t know it would be such a big event. You guys are going to be busy.”

  “Well, we will start here and move to another winery after. I’m going to be busy, but not too busy.” Here I go. “I … um … I am hoping we can go together, and that you’ll be my date.” Pausing, I take her hand in mine and brush my thumb across it. “Sam, would you do me the honor of attending the ball with me?” My hands shake while I wait for an answer.

  “I would love to go to the ball with you.” She gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Now I’ll definitely have to find a special dress to wear for you.”

  I reach out and touch her face softly. “I look forward to seeing you in that dress. But I have a feeling I’ll be more taken by your beauty and smile than anything else.” Her face grows red in color, and a wide smile breaks through.

  She drops her gaze. “Stop doing this to me.”

  My hand touches her chin to tilt her gaze back to mine. “Doing what?”

  “You have a way with words, and I don’t think you realize it. You know just what to say to make me believe in love again.”

  I pull her body close to me. “I want you to believe in love again, because being here with you, I know it can exist again.” This is the moment I realize she’s going to be a part of me and soon. Our arms encompass each other. It’s an embrace filled with comfort, acceptance, and the promise of more. Daring myself to speak the words I’m feeling, I take in a deep breath and let them out. “I want to fall in love again, Sam.” Her hug strengthens, and I return the fervor before she breaks co
ntact.

  “I want that, too, but first, there are some things I need to share. So I guess it’s my turn now. This is hard, so bear with me.” I watch her mouth open several times as her hands rub briskly against each other. I decide to change the subject again.

  “So…dress shopping tomorrow, huh?” The relief in her smile is the only sign I need to keep talking. “You know they’ll drag you to every boutique you can imagine. They’re like an unstoppable force when they get together and shop.” She laughs, and I know her worry has eased.

  “I know. I hope I can keep up with them. I’m not much of a shopper … I’m more of an eater.”

  “Ha, well, I’m sure you will find a way to keep up with them. Just pack some chocolate in your purse, and you’ll be all set. In fact, I have something for you.”

  I walk to the kitchen and open up the cabinet. I reach in and pull out the bag of Ghirardelli chocolates. “These are for you. I picked them up today. I know how much you like chocolate. I wanted you to have them. And I’ll stop rambling now.” I don’t think I ever blushed before, but the way she’s looking at me makes my face feel overtaken by heat.

  “Ben, thank you. This is one of the nicest things anyone has done for me. I’ll put them in my purse and nibble on them all day long.” She leans over and kisses me too briefly on the lips, leaving me wanting more. I watch her look warily at the bag next to her on the floor.

  My curiosity is really piqued. “So, can I ask what’s in the bag?” Her body shifts away from me while she reaches over for it. I observe her change in breathing, and her hands shake as she hands me the bag.

  “When I was unpacking I found some things that belong to you. I thought you might want them.” The way her body’s acting, I’m pretty sure I know what’s in there. In fact, if it’s what I think it is, I don’t want anything to disturb our night. I’ll deal with it in the morning. Tonight is about us, not my past that’s lurking in that bag.

  “Well, I can look at it later. I’m sure there’s nothing too important inside.” The look of relief on her face is evident.

  “Well, yeah, I guess you can check it out later.”

  As her body moves closer, she helps erase my mind of the bag’s contents. Her closeness stirs a happiness within me so great that I need to tell her before I get too tangled up with my yesterdays. “Thanks for tonight and for the past few weeks. I’m beginning to remember what happiness is. I want you to understand that you’re bringing that back to my life. The man before you is slowly coming back, and it’s because of you.”

  A small tear forms at the corner of her eye, and I brush my thumb over it. My lips kiss her temple and moves across her forehead. I stop and rest my forehead against hers. We sit in silence not feeling the need to speak. We let our bodies talk as our radiating heat spreads quickly and hungrily. All I want to do is touch her, but there are things that need to be said before I can go any further. It’s time to up the stakes.

  “Hey, I have an idea. I know you love a good challenge, so how about a game like twenty questions?” Her eyes light up, and it makes me happy to know I did that.

  “Oh, I love games! Instead of that one how about some good old fashioned truth or dare?”

  “Truth or dare? Are you kidding me right now? What are we, like, eleven?” Her smile is devilish, and I like it. “I’m not going to get sucked into some stupid dare like run around the barn naked!”

  “Hmm. You came up with that pretty fast. Has that happened in the past?” She laughs loudly and swats my shoulder. “Oh, come on, it will be fun! I’ll even let you go first!” Then she throws in my signature wink.

  “Fine! How can I say no to you?”

  “Ha! You can’t.”

  “Okay, Sam. Truth or Dare?

  “Truth.”

  “When was the first time you had sex?

  “Easy one. I was sixteen, and I lost it to my high school boyfriend, Matt. It wasn’t that great, and I found out later that he cheated on me with my best friend at the time.”

  “Ouch! That sucks.”

  “Tell me about it. He had pushed and pushed me for six months! He told me he loved me and that we would be together forever. I guess at that age you believe in the fairy tales and the bullshit lines. So I cashed in my V-card, and two weeks later he dumped me. It turns out he’d been secretly dating my so-called friend at the same time. So there’s boyfriend cheater number one!” She holds up the number one before clapping her hands together. “My turn! Truth or Dare?”

  “Truth.”

  “Okay. So you asked me … now I get to ask you. Who did you lose your V-card to?”

  “Okay, I was fifteen, and I lost it to Jack’s sister. She was older and home from college. I had a major crush on her. Jack and I had been drunk, and he was passed out on the couch.”

  “Oh God, this is so cliché. But please go on!”

  “I don’t know. She just came into Jack’s room and sat on my bed. The next thing I know, she’s on top of me, naked, and I’m like a fumbling idiot trying to figure out how to get the condom on. It was over too quick, and she just kind of laughed, kissed me goodnight, and left.”

  “No shit! Does Jack know?”

  “I told him years later. He was pissed at first, but he got over it quickly. She kind of slept around a lot. She’s married now and has two kids. They live in Seattle, so I hardly ever run into her anymore.” She laughs it off, and I decide to ask her what I really want to know.

  “Sam, truth or dare?”

  “Truth.”

  “Tell me what happened with Nathan. Why did he break your heart?”

  “Way to go in for the kill, Ben. I’m not sure where to start.” I scratch my forehead and pull my fingers through my hair before continuing. I’m shocked by the sudden change of topic, but I knew it had to come eventually.

  I move to the couch, hoping distance will provide me with some clarity. Being this close to him while telling him how Nathan fucked me up is a bit much. But being sweet Ben, he follows me anyway. “I guess I just thought he was the one. It started off great, but after a while things changed. We stopped spending as much time together. He always had some excuse, and I just accepted them.” I cross my legs onto the couch and lean back.

  “Sex was practically non-existent at the end, and when I did touch him he would push me away or make some snide comment. I started to believe something was wrong with me.” Laughing nervously, I continue. “I tried some crazy stuff.” My fingers imitate marking off my checklist. “I walked around naked, waxed myself bare, and bought sexy lingerie. I even tried reading some sexy excerpts from books to him. He just never seemed into it or into me anymore. Literally.” My subtle joke does nothing to ease my anxiety.

  “When we did have sex it felt like some kind of chore.” I can feel tears forming behind my eyes, and I try like crazy to stop them. His body moves close to me, and his hand soothingly brushes across my arm.

  “Hey, you don’t have to tell me anymore. I said it before, and I’ll say it again, he’s an asshole.”

  I let out a slight chuckle as I wipe some tears away. “He’s not worth my tears, but I need to get this out. I want that last wall down.” My body leans into him feeling that imaginary pull he has. “So like I said, I tried a lot of different things. The last attempt was way out of my comfort zone but I thought I would just go for it.” I point my finger at him to emphasize my next point. “Don’t laugh, even though it’s kind of funny.”

  “Okay, I’ll try my best.”

  “So I bought this whole leather bodice thing with black lace panties and picked out one of those flogger things.” Pausing to gauge his reaction, I notice his look appears serious, so I keep going. While I felt ridiculous, I wanted to save our relationship, so I did what I had to, and I owned it. I turn my head away hoping the painful memory won’t show on my face. “When I walked into the bedroom, he looked at me and just … laughed. I thought he was teasing at first, but when he gawked at me, I knew how he really felt.” God damn it with the t
ears.

  “Well, that did wonders for my already fragile self-esteem. I had been going for slutty sex goddess, but was reduced to a peon in a matter of seconds. The way he looked and reacted to me made me feel like a twelve year old girl playing dress up.” The tears flow freely now as I feel Ben’s hand on my knee.

  “I’m sorry, Sam.” He pulls my body into his and holds me. The tears that I desperately didn’t want to shed begin to ease up. With Ben’s arms around me I know I’m not going to waste my tears on Nathan anymore.

  Ben lifts my chin so that I can look at him, and he smiles. “It probably doesn’t make a difference, but I’m really sorry, and for what it’s worth, you would look hot in leather. If you ever wore that for me, I would surely blow on the spot.” His body shifts so that we’re practically on top of each other. “Imagining you in leather and wanting to be spanked is more than I can handle.” His eyes go wide as he grabs my face with his hands. The heat coming off his body ignites my inner desire. “But know this, Sam. Right here, right now, you are all I want. You’re so God damn sexy. You don’t need anything to turn me on. Just being this close to you, I’m getting hard.”

  Words fail me as my only focus is on this loving man who can woo me and tempt me with his words and touch. He removes his hands while I wait in agony for him to kiss me.

  “Truth or dare, Sam.”

  “Hey, it’s my turn.” I playfully spank his ass.

  “I’ll ask again, Sam. Truth or dare.” The heat in his eyes tells me there’s only one acceptable answer, but I decide to tease him.

  “Fine, but I get two turns next time.” The glare he shoots is like a dagger. “Dare!” I yell while I push off him.

  “I dare you to kiss me. Right. Fucking. Now.”

  My fists move up to curl into his shirt, holding on tightly. My mouth presses hard against his lips, but I won’t let his tongue gain entrance. I push him back forcefully, staring deep into his eyes. I lie back onto the couch and adjust my legs—an open invitation for his body to occupy the space between them. One hand stretches out above my head. Raising one eyebrow, I bite my lip to tempt him with one more round.”Truth or dare, Ben?”