Finding Home

by Kelley, Aine

  I’m particularly on edge today. The preparations for the ball are in full swing, and Ben’s arrival is imminent. I try to complete the odds and ends of getting everything set up even though I’m a million miles away. When we head out for the salon to get glammed up for the evening, I’m happy to escape. However, as I sit around getting ready I consider not going at all.

  “I’m going to kill my brother when I see him. He thinks he can just play around with you and run to Jack’s? No fucking way!”

  I wince at her words while the hairstylist yanks back my hair. “Listen. Don’t worry about it. It’ll be fine. It is what it is. We didn’t get that far, and at least he was upfront about everything before he left.”

  “Yeah, maybe that’s the case, but he needs to get his shit together. It’s been two fucking years. That’s a long time to mourn for someone.”

  “He’s just not ready, and he may never be ready. He had a once in a lifetime love. They’re rare, and they probably don’t happen twice to the same person.”

  Jenny turns her chair to face mine. “Bullshit! You can’t really believe that? Because pretty much every friggin’ movie we’ve watched together has second chance love written all over it!” I know she’s right, but it’s easier thinking my way.

  “I know, I know. But don’t be mad and lay off it. Let’s just see how it all plays out. If he feels pressure from you or me, then I’m afraid he’ll really run away for good.” I reach out for her hand and hold it tightly. She’s my sister and protector. “I will do my best to play it cool, and you will be your nice ass self. Got it?”

  She squeezes it several times before replying. “I don’t like it. I’d rather beat the crap out of him, but I got it.”

  It’s time to change the subject, or she will want to keep fixing what’s broken. “So any hot guys you’re looking forward to seeing tonight?”

  “Nice change in subject, Sam. And for your information, that would be a big ass n-o!”

  “Hmm, I wonder if Jack will be coming tonight. It would be nice to get to know him.” I can’t help but tease her a little bit. Jenny’s never come out and said it, but I think she’s always had a thing for him. Her cheeks flush as I try to suppress my laugh.

  “I’m sure he will be. He’s never missed an event. Plus, he grew up around here and knows everybody. Trust me when I say you’re not missing much. When it comes to Jack, my memories are of him torturing me, pulling my pigtails, teasing me, and just making my life miserable every chance he could get.” I can’t help notice a faint smile on her face, and I know there’s more to her story. She’s just not ready to tell it. Maybe tonight I can stir the pot for my friend and see what cooks up.

  My typical pacing begins the moment I’m dressed for the party. Jack went ahead without me; he knows I need to arrive in my own time. Back and forth I walk, hiding like a complete idiot. I thought leaving would bring me some semblance of clarity. Instead, I feel even more confused.

  I figured out two things this week. First, I want Sam. There’s no denying that. She makes me feel again, and it’s what I’ve been waiting for. Second, I can’t completely erase Beth out of my mind, either. Therein lies the problem—I want both. I know I don’t have to erase everything, but cherish the memories instead. Take them for what they are and own them. Get beyond our past and that night and let my guilt go. Easier said than done. So I walk around my loft trying to figure out my next move. Take a chance or stay dormant.

  When I arrived this morning, I was grateful she wasn’t home. I couldn’t face her yet. The past five days were some of the longest of my life. Thoughts of Sam kept muddling up with thoughts of Beth. I couldn’t seem to separate the two, and it made me physically ill.

  Jack got me drunk one night thinking it would help me forget, but all it did was make me miss her more. But I couldn’t figure out who I missed more. The torturous mind-fuck head spin ended with me puking it all out.

  Then at rugby practice I smashed as hard as I could into my teammates, but it did nothing to ease my madness. I was unfocused and aggravated, so I thought pounding the shit out of someone on the field would knock some sense into me. It didn’t. It just pissed me off more. And Coach sent me packing for the night. I ended up pounding more beers instead.

  My pattern this week has been drinking, running, eating, reading, TV, rugby, and then more drinking. Nothing’s working. I knew it was time to come home and deal with it all. But I’m still at the same place I was before I left. And now I have to go down there and face her.

  My inner turmoil is interrupted by a heavy pounding on the door, followed by some foul language coming from my sister. I open the door, and her pissed off rage isn’t good.

  “What the fuck, Ben. What the fuck are you doing? Cut the shit and get yourself together!” I wait for her to continue with her tirade, because I know it’s far from over. “And another thing, Sam’s the best thing you could have ever asked for. She’s amazing, kind, sweet, fun, loving, and beautiful … and she likes you. Idiot!” She pauses, taking a breath, but the venomous look in her eyes tells me she’s got a whole hell of a lot more to say. “Oh, and did you think that maybe, just maybe, she’s your match? Your ‘person?’ You spout that crap all the time to everyone else, but did it ever occur to you that Sam is it for you? Get your head out your ass! Go down there, say hello, and apologize for your supreme idiocy!” She approaches me like a tiger ready to pounce. “And by the way, she looks stunning tonight. Plenty of men will notice her, so my suggestion is full on groveling!” She pulls me in for a hug and doesn’t let go. “Be happy, Ben.”

  My brain can’t take it anymore. My crazed thoughts, along with her maniacal yelling, have put me over the edge. “Don’t you think I want that? Do you think I enjoy feeling this way?” I pull back from our hug, needing space to calm down. “I want her happiness, too, and it’s not fair the burden I carry with me daily. If I could snap my fingers and change everything that happened I would. If I could change how I feel, I would in a heartbeat. Doesn’t anyone see that by now?”

  Taking a few shaky breaths, I do my best to gain back control. “I just fucking can’t, Jenny! I thought running would help clear my head, but it turned out it doesn’t matter how far I go. So instead of finding answers, I’ve got more questions.” Her look of disappointment is nothing that I haven’t seen before. I’ve been seeing it from everyone I’m close to for the last two years.

  She heads for the door, stops and looks over her shoulder at me. “I love you, Ben. I know there’s room in your heart to love again. I know you know that. You need a push, well, more like a shove, in the right direction.”

  Deep down I know she’s right. My heart feels like it’s been thrown in a blender and set on high. I can be happy with Sam. I know this. Still, the screaming in my head remains. Do I want to be happy with Sam? Time to head down and face what could be the answer to my future.

  The outside set up for the ball is amazing. I feel like I’m in a rustic fairy tale. There’s a tent made up of organza silk that you can see through to the stars above. The silk tenting cascades across wooden beams and down wooden poles and wraps around them to the ground. White twinkle lights and lanterns hang from the tent. The flooring is raised off the ground and small cocktail tables with lantern centerpieces complete the look. The candlelight combined with the starry sky is breathtaking.

  Ben and his family have done a wonderful job creating the ultimate romantic atmosphere. I only wish I could have had the romantic date to complete the picture.

  I scan around the tent trying to see if he’s here yet. I let out a long sigh of relief that he hasn’t arrived yet. Guests begin to filter in, and the music softly plays tunes made famous by Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett. I spy Jenny coming across the floor with an uneven smile on her face. I know that look well. It means one thing: she did something she shouldn’t have. I brace myself for what she’s about to say.

  “Damn girl, you look fantastic!”

  “Thanks, so do you. I love the dres
s you picked out. You can totally rock red!”

  She brushes her long blonde hair off her shoulder, lifting her head in pride. “I know, right? And what about you? The color of your dress is friggin’ elegant!”

  “Ah, I’m not sure if friggin’ and elegant can be said together. But I’ll take the compliment.” I press my suddenly fidgety hands down my dress and try to sneak a look around the room.

  “You look gorgeous and you know it. You fucking match the theme. He’s going to shit when he sees you.”

  I look down at my champagne-colored silk organza dress. It hugs my body perfectly. It fits over every curve and stops just above my knees. The top bodice is a sweetheart neckline with one strap that crosses my right shoulder. A ruffled edging comes diagonally from the waist across the dress and continues over the strap, stopping where it’s attached at the back. It’s simple and “elegant” as Jenny said. I feel like a princess with my hair swept up into a twist that sits low and has a simple pink lily pinned in it.”Thanks, Jenny. I just hope I can do this. I feel pretty lost and unsure about what to do. And I’m terrified he doesn’t want me.”

  “Trust me when I tell you that he wants you; he just can’t admit it yet.”

  “How can you be so sure? Did you talk to him and not tell me?”

  “No. Not exactly.” There goes that crooked smile again.

  “Spill it!”

  “I told you that I didn’t talk to him this past week, but I did talk to him a few minutes ago.”

  “What! I told you to leave it alone. God, do you ever listen to me?”

  “I know, but you know I don’t listen. I have a huge issue with impulsivity. I just want to see you both happy!” The frustration in her voice is exactly how my body and mind feel. She pulls me into a hug. “You two are my rocks and the coolest people I know. You are meant to be together. I can feel it.”

  “I wish I had your confidence.” I move to the bar hoping to get something to ease my nerves. “Besides, I need to work on being in the same room as him and not making an ass of myself. There’s no room for love or any of that other mushy shit tonight.” I rest my arms on the bar and motion to the bartender. “I need to get my game face on so that I can make it through the night.”

  “Not that rule thing again. I thought you were done with them.” She eyes me with a look of disgust that quickly turns to giddiness. “Yeah, well let’s see how well that goes for you in exactly five seconds.” She shoves her body off the bar and begins to count down softly.

  “What are you talking about … five seconds?”

  “3 … 2 … 1 … turn around, Sam. See ya!”

  “Jenny. What the fu—” Turning my body around, I’m faced with Ben’s eyes locked directly on mine. I immediately blush red. “—ck!”

  “Were you swearing again, Sam?”

  “Umm, yeah, I was, am swearing. What can I say? We Bostonians aren’t known for our demure mouths. You should see me during football season.” I raise my fist and pump it into the air. “Go Patriots.”

  He chuckles at me before his look turns serious. “You look beautiful tonight. I immediately spotted you from across the room and couldn’t take my eyes off you.”

  His hand touches my face tenderly and his warmth overwhelms me. I want to lean into his touch, but I can’t do it. My eyes cast downward, trying to muster some sort of fake confidence. Sucking in a deep breath, I then let it out. It’s game time! I look right at him so that he understands how serious I am. “You ran.”

  Defeat appears on his face, while I watch him silently nod. “I ran.”

  “Are you done running?”

  He rubs his neck, breaking eye contact. I brace myself for what he’s about to say. Something I should have seen coming but was too blind to it.

  “I want to be done.”

  Placing my hands on his shoulders, I bend down, forcing him to look at me. “That’s not the answer I hoped for. I thought your time away would make things clearer for you. So I guess it’s my turn to run now. Goodbye, Ben.” Delicately, I kiss him on the cheek before moving past him into the growing crowd, not looking back. I will not allow anyone—especially him—see one tear fall. Stepping outside for air, I see Gramps walking toward me. He waves me over with one of the biggest grins I’ve ever seen.

  “Well, hello, beautiful young lady.”

  “Well, hello to you. Don’t you look handsome this evening?”

  “Why thank you, my dear. I clean up pretty good.” He laughs and bends his arm for me to hook into his. “Can I escort you into this lovely affair? It looks like you’re going the wrong way.”

  “Actually, I’ve already been inside. It’s not for me. I’m heading back to the house.”

  “Hogwash! I insist that you allow me to accompany you. I also insist that I get the first dance of the evening.” He has a devilish look on his face that worries me. “I won’t take no for an answer! Come on, darling, make an old man happy.” He shrugs his shoulders and gives me a little wink.

  “Gramps, you know I can’t say no to you—especially when you pull out the wink. The men in this family don’t play fair.” I link his arm even tighter as we make our way into the tent.

  “Don’t let him get you down. He’ll come around. Don’t you worry, my dear.”

  “I’m not so sure about that.” Pulling to a stop, his look of ease turns serious.

  “I can see it. Everyone can. He’s just not ready to see it himself, but he will.” He pulls me to the dance floor. “This is my song. Care to go for a whirl?”

  I hear “The Way You Look Tonight” playing in the background. “This is one of my favorites. I would love to go for a whirl. But be warned, I’m quite the dancer. My mom made me take ballroom lessons.”

  “Ha! Oh my dear, you will need to keep up with me. And just so you know, every young man here is going to be asking you to dance.” We place our arms into the proper dance position stance. “Including my grandson. Time to make him jealous.”

  I have no doubt that Gramps is a total manipulator. “Bring it on! Let’s make him jealous.”

  I stand at the bar and watch her dance song after song with my grandfather. Then some asshole cuts in, and I have to torture myself some more. Watching her move and touch another man is too much to bear. The time apart did nothing to calm my need for her. Seeing her with someone else crushes me. Seeing her give that smile to an unworthy partner is not part of my plan. “I’m a fucking pussy,” I mutter to no one.

  “Yeah you are.” Jack bangs me on my back.

  “Fuck you, Jack!”

  “Hey, you’re the one who said it, not me. I’m just agreeing with you. Man, she looks stunning tonight.” I swear I could punch him in the face. “I may have to ask her to dance later. Look at how she moves.”

  There’s no way in hell I’ll let Jack near her. “The fuck you will. See all these men here tonight? I’ve been watching them stare at her, and I want to fucking kick their asses. Starting with the one dancing with her.”

  “I hate to break it to you, buddy, but what the hell did you think would happen? Dude, she’s gorgeous.”

  I smack him on the shoulder hard, hoping to make the point that he needs to keep his mouth shut. “I know that. But I don’t fucking deserve her, though. I’m too broken. Even though I want her, I’m just too fucked up.”

  “Bullshit! Listen, I’ve been trying to be the patient friend. Get you drunk, hit you hard on the field, and back you up, but not anymore. Get your ass out there and ask her to dance or else I will. And if it’s not me, then someone else will, and you could lose her. Your bullshit hang-ups and excuses need to stop. Don’t blow your chance.” Jack places his arm around my shoulder and yanks me in for a side hug. “Everyone deserves happiness and second chances. Even you, jerk off!”

  “I couldn’t agree with you more. And that says a lot considering it’s coming from you, Jack.” Jenny has somehow butted into our conversation.

  “I can’t catch a break tonight. The two of you are bullying me. I
need a fucking drink.” I thump my feet like a school kid and walk away from an argument. Fuck all of them. I’ll be fine.

  The several scotches do nothing to help me deal with her presence. Watching her dance with two other men tonight fuels my urge to beat the shit out them. My hands bloodying up their noses and blackening an eye or two would feel so good right now. All night I’ve been staring at her like a crazed stalker. I watch her smile, laugh, dance, and drink with other people. She’s been with everyone else except me. Why am I surprised and hurt by this? This is what I want. This is the smart decision. I toss back the next shot. “Fuck it.”

  I move to leave but can’t stop myself from glancing at her one more time. This time she’s with Jack, Jenny, and Gramps, and they’re laughing out loud at something Jack said. I want to ignore her, but her gravitational pull is too strong.

  “Hi. Is everyone enjoying their night?” I’m asking the whole table, but I really only care about her answer.

  I faintly hear some responses. My ears perk up when she finally responds. “I’m having a great time. Your grandfather is quite the dancer. The food is terrific and …” I tune her rambling out, smiling inwardly, because I know she’s just as anxious as I am. Maybe there’s hope I still affect her as much as she does me.

  “That’s great. I’m glad you’re enjoying the party.”

  “I am.”

  I must be staring at her for a while because I feel Jack’s hand whack my back, jolting me back to the present.

  I listen with laughter as Jack tells the story of how we met. Jenny and Sam laugh as he retells the time we beat each other up on the playground over a girl in our fourth grade class. We both liked her and thought we could fight for her. “Yeah, so here I am in a headlock move that I learned from watching WWF. I’m thinking I’ve got the upper hand,” Jack states while imitating the headlock. “That’s when we both look up and notice the girl we like is walking away with Tom. He walked right in and scooped her away. We’ve been best friends since.” He smacks my back again, this time in a friendlier manner.