The Beautiful Now

by M. Leighton

  I felt Dane’s lips brush my temple. “Where’s your head at?” His voice was a whisper carried on the weaving stalks of wheat.

  “I have to go. It’ll be dawn soon.”

  “I wish you could stay.”

  “I wish I could, too. I wish we could stay here, on this rock, in this night, forever.”

  “We’ll have more. In fact…” Dane eases his arm out from under me enough that he can sit up and stare down at me. I memorize his beautiful face, the warm eyes, the perfect mouth, the way his hair falls down around his jaw. “Can you come to the river today?”

  “Don’t you have to work?”

  “Yeah, but everyone gets a break.”

  A break. A few minutes in the middle of the day, hidden away where no one could see us. It seemed terribly unfair that we’d have to settle for a few paltry scraps, but I would. I would settle for any moments, no matter how brief, that I could get with Dane James.

  Only in the day, it would be harder for me.

  I squeezed my eyes shut when I thought of the consequences of getting caught. “I…I can’t. If Alton were to catch me…”

  Dane wasn’t bothered. “Tonight then. When everyone is asleep, turn off your light. When I see it go out, I’ll head this way.”

  He was absently stroking the skin just under my chin with the pad of his thumb, looking down at me like I was the sun and the moon and all the stars in his sky. There was no worry or concern in his eyes. He didn’t know what could happen if we got caught, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. He wouldn’t understand.

  Well, actually, he would. He knew the way people in this town felt about him. I just didn’t want to be a constant reminder of it. And I didn’t want to be the reason his eyes stopped flashing so carelessly. I didn’t want to be the one to add concern and burden to them. Dane didn’t have an easy life. I wanted to give him what little peace I could, and if that meant shielding him from Alton’s threats, that’s what I would do. I would bear the fear of them alone.

  “Hey, you still with me?” Dane prompted me when I didn’t respond, one side of his mouth tilting up into a grin.

  “Yeah, I’m still with you.”

  I’ll always be with you. I’ll always love you. And one day, I’ll never have to leave you.

  “So tonight?”

  I nodded. I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t stay away from him any longer than that. At that moment, I didn’t even know how I was going to get through the day without seeing him, much less an entire twenty-four hours.

  “Come on then. Let’s get you dressed. The sooner the day comes, the sooner the night will come.”

  I let Dane help me up and, together, in the increasing brightness, we put our clothes back on. I watched him pull his jeans on over his thick thighs. I watched him button and zip them over his flat stomach. I watched his abs flex and shift under his skin as he raised his arms and tugged his shirt over his head. And I watched him rake his fingers through his long strands when he was finished.

  When I realized he’d caught me staring so unabashedly at him, I blushed and looked away, but not before I saw his lips split into a breathtaking smile. I pulled on my own clothes as quickly as I could, and when I was bending to reach for my shoes, I noticed he was still standing there smiling at me.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I’m just imagining how this is gonna look in instant replay.”

  “How what will look?”

  He stepped over to me and slid his arms around my waist, sending chills rolling down my arms. “You. Putting clothes on this perfect body. The wheat and the sky as your backdrop. The look on your face.”

  “What look?”

  Dane raised his hand to brush my cheek. “The look I spent the whole night putting there.”

  My cheeks stung again, but this time from something other than embarrassment. This time they stung with pleasure. Pleasure at his words, as well as the remembered pleasure he was referring to.

  “I’ll never forget it. Not as long as I live,” he said, softly brushing his lips over mine.

  “Neither will I.” And I wouldn’t. I knew I wouldn’t. Whatever happened next, whatever the future held, I would always consider this night with Dane the most perfect night of my life.

  Dane kissed me in earnest then, his lips teasing mine open, our tongues tangling in a wet twist that made me want him all over again. He pulled back so suddenly, I gasped.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Jesus. We have to get you home or you won’t make it home at all.”

  “Why? What happened?”

  “You,” he answered simply. “You happened.”

  At the edge of our rock, he jumped down and held his arms up toward me. I fell into them, much like I fell in love with him—effortlessly. And he caught me, held me so tenderly with his incredible strength, and I knew in that moment that he meant what he said. He would never hurt me. Not on purpose. I just prayed I’d be able to say the same thing.

  He held me for a few seconds, and we stared silently into each other’s eyes. We said all the things we didn’t have time to say, all the things we hoped we’d one day get to say, and when he set me on my feet, he took my hand and wordlessly led me back through the field.

  When we neared the place where we’d be in full view of the house if anyone bothered to look outside, I pulled him to a stop.

  “I’ll go on from here. Go get some sleep.”

  “Are you nuts? I’m walking you home.”

  He started walking again.

  I stopped him again.

  “No, seriously. You don’t need to do that. I’ll be fine.”

  Dane took my chin between his thumb and forefinger. “After what just happened on that rock, there’s no way I’m not walking you home. Not gonna happen.”

  I could see the stubbornness in his eyes, that very rebelliousness I loved showing up to challenge me.

  I was torn. I adored his sense of propriety. I could guarantee that not one of the boys Momma picked out for me would feel this way after having sex. In fact, most of them would probably just stick me in a cab and send me on my way. But not Dane James. He had more class than all of them put together.

  But he didn’t understand how dangerous this could be for him. How dangerous I could be for him. Alton had given me one simple rule. Stay away from Dane James or else.

  He might as well have just asked me to stop breathing.

  I waffled for a few more seconds before giving in. I didn’t think anything I could say would change his mind anyway. “Just to the driveway, okay?”

  With a satisfied smile, Dane kissed our joined fingers and started across the field again, keeping me close at his side. At the edge of the driveway, I stepped ahead and turned back toward him. He was still smiling, and it was still steeling myself.

  I loved him.

  I loved him more than I had a right to love anything.

  “Thank you,” I began, biting my lip to keep my chin from trembling. Suddenly, I was devastated.

  “For what?”

  “For everything. This night was perfect.”

  Dane’s smile turned gentle as he cupped my face. “And it was just the beginning.”

  I nodded, trying to hold it together.

  “Try not to worry. The people in this town don’t matter. One day I’ll make you see that.”

  I nodded again, hoping he was right. He kissed my forehead before starting to back away.

  “See ya later, alligator.” His voice was quiet in the stillness, but I could hear him perfectly.

  I didn’t know why my heart was breaking, but it was. Still, I managed a smile for Dane James as I returned with, “After while, crocodile.”

  That was our beginning.

  And this felt like our end.

  Chapter 17

  I took great care in being quiet when I reentered the house. I took three breaths between every step and I avoided every board I’d ever known to creak.

  What I noticed when I got to the
bottom of the stairs, though, when I was nearly home free, was that I only heard one snore—my mother’s. Alton’s coarser rumble wasn’t mingling with hers in the stillness. That meant he was awake. And waiting somewhere for me.

  I tried not to panic, but I could feel my heart rate increase as my brain scrambled for a way out of this. I scanned the living room, looking for something, anything that might give me an excuse for being down here or being up. My eyes lit on a book I’d been reading. It was lying face down, open, on the end table. I doubt anyone had noticed it.

  Before I could second-guess my actions, I flew across the living room, flung myself onto the couch, grabbed the book and dropped it onto the floor as though it had slipped from my fingers when I fell asleep. Hurriedly, I pulled the blanket off the back of the cushions over me and pretended to be asleep.

  I inhaled as deeply as I could through my nose to calm myself, and I counted backward from one hundred.

  Ninety-nine.

  Inhale.

  Ninety-eight.

  Exhale.

  Ninety-seven.

  Inhale.

  Ninety-six.

  Exhale.

  I continued until my breathing was deep and even, and my body relaxed. I don’t know what number I fell asleep on; I only know that I jerked upright with a start when I felt a slap on the top of my foot.

  I squinted at my mother who was standing at the end of the couch, glaring down at me, a fuming Alton towering behind her.

  I sat up and glanced around, a bit disoriented, which went well with my ruse. The sun was pouring through the side window in the living room, assuring me I’d slept for at least a couple of hours.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand.

  “What are you doing down here, Brinkley?” It was my mother’s stern, you’re-in-trouble-young-lady voice.

  “I couldn’t go to sleep, and it was hot in my room, so I came down here to read. I guess I fell asleep.”

  I bent to pick up my discarded book, making a point to dog-ear some later page before I laid it on the coffee table.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked again, playing the sleepyhead card.

  Momma glanced back at Alton, who was staring at me with eyes narrowed in suspicion. When she turned back to me, she was still frowning. “Nothing. We couldn’t find you, that’s all.”

  “Why were you looking for me? Has something happened?”

  I knew exactly why she was searching for me. Alton had discovered I wasn’t in my room. Why? Because he’d gone up there looking for me. Maybe to see if I’d snuck out.

  Maybe for something else.

  A shudder passed through me and I played it off as a cold chill.

  When she didn’t respond and Alton only continued to scowl at me, I tossed off the blanket and put my feet on the floor. “Well, I’m going back to bed for a while.” I stood up and made a show of yawning. “What time is it anyway?”

  “Fifteen till eight.”

  I nodded and moved toward the stairs, glad that I’d fallen asleep and I was too groggy to be freaking out. I would later, though. I knew I’d probably wake up in a cold sweat thinking about how many ways it all could’ve gone wrong, and what that would mean for Dane.

  “Don’t let me sleep past eleven, Momma.”

  That was the last thing I said to them before I reached the top of the stairs and proceeded to lock myself in my room.

  Later that night, a new routine was born. If I’d needed confirmation that Alton suspected I was lying, his change in habits gave it to me.

  I spent the afternoon at Angel’s helping her clean up after the party. We ordered pizza and watched a movie, and all I could think about was Dane. Being with him. Getting back to him. Saving him from me.

  When I got back home, I excused myself to go to my room and read before bed. Neither Momma nor Alton argued. So far, so good.

  I waited until midnight before I cracked my door and listened for their snoring. Usually, they both went to bed around eleven and were dead asleep by twelve. Only the house wasn’t quiet but for their snoring as it normally was. I could hear the television blaring from the living room, and I could tell it was a news channel. That had to be Alton.

  Frowning, I crept back into my room to wait a while longer.

  At one, the television was still on.

  At two, the television was still on.

  At three, the television was still on.

  At four, I realized that since all I could hear was static, Alton had fallen asleep in front of the television and the station was no longer playing anything, hence the static. But as long as he was in the living room, I couldn’t risk going down.

  I went back into my room and locked my door. Not seeing Dane…it felt like pure torture.

  I walked to the window that looked out over our field, and I curled up in the window seat. I pressed my hand to the cold glass, hoping he could see me, certain he could not. I sat that way until the tears came. This time, I let them fall. I let them fall until the well ran dry, and only then did I make my way to the bed.

  I slept with the light on so Dane wouldn’t go to our rock and expect to find me there. On that night, he wouldn’t.

  Much to my horror, Alton did the exact same thing for the following five weeks straight. Every single night, without fail, he stayed up late watching television and then fell asleep in front of it. If he’d wanted an effective means of keeping me in the house, he’d found it. My hands were tied.

  My world wilted without Dane James in it. Not being able to see him—see him and talk to him and touch him—was killing me. At least it felt like it was.

  Between his rising popularity at school, his faux relationship with Lauren, football, and farm work in the evenings, I never saw him. A stolen glance here and there was all I could get, if that. Fate, it seemed, was working even harder to conspire against us.

  One day, I walked down to our rock after dinner. I didn’t care who saw me as long as Dane did, and he came to meet me.

  Only he didn’t.

  Either he wasn’t home or he didn’t see me, because I sat there on that rock all alone for two hours, crying for the boy who was never really mine to begin with.

  I watched the sun set, felt the warmth of its attention fading from my face, and made myself get up to go home. It was as I was getting ready to climb down off the rock that I had the idea to reach up and take out one of my earrings and leave it behind. I didn’t know if Dane would find it, or what he’d think if he did, but I hoped he’d know that I’d been there, thinking of him, waiting for him, and that in some way I always would be.

  I cried all the way home, and when I got there, I went right upstairs and slept for sixteen hours straight.

  And woke up sick as a dog.

  Chapter 18

  “You’re sick again?”

  “It’s not like I wanna be, Momma.”

  I knew she was just worried. I knew because I was, too. I woke up sick two days ago. Had to run straight to the bathroom as soon as I opened my eyes. I’d thought I was getting better, though. I felt almost normal as the day wore on the first and the second day, yet this morning… I found myself curled around the toilet, puking my guts up again.

  “If you’re not better tomorrow, I’m taking you to the doctor.”

  “Fine by me,” I managed miserably before I heaved again.

  I heard Momma sigh and the rustle of her robe just before the water turned on. A few seconds later, a cool cloth was pressed to my forehead and warm fingers pulled my hair away from my face. She might not always show it, but I knew Momma loved me in her own way. I just had to let that be enough for me.

  When it seemed I was emptied, my mother helped me back to my room, tucked me into bed, and left to go get me some crackers. They always seemed to settle my stomach. It wasn’t until, like magic, I was feeling better around lunchtime that an alarming thought occurred to me.

  Momma was downstairs starting a roast for dinner when I bolted up
in bed. Pulse racing, I thought back to the last time I had my period. I couldn’t remember having one that month, but I’d noticed I was bloated and kept thinking it was time for me to start. Only I never did.

  Maybe I wasn’t just bloated.

  “Oh God. Oh God. OhGodOhGodOhGod.” I squeezed my eyes shut and dropped my head into my hands. Is it really possible to get pregnant from one night of sex?

  I knew that it was.

  But was it really possible to get pregnant from your first and only night of sex?

  I feared that was probably possible, too.

  We hadn’t planned to do it, and I hadn’t even thought to ask him about protection. I got caught up in the moment. I just wanted him. Needed him. And I wasn’t thinking about anything else.

  What if I was, in fact, pregnant with Dane James’ baby? What would that mean? For him, for me, for us?

  I felt sick, and not from morning sickness. I just felt sick that we’d been so careless.

  But then a picture flashed through my mind. It was a little girl with the face of an angel and the eyes of her father, staring up at me from within the folds of a fluffy white blanket. I could see her as clearly as if I’d already met her.

  Part of me and part of Dane James, together in one child. We could be together forever that way. Could I ever really regret that? If I was pregnant, could I really be that upset about it? I loved him, and I would love any part of him, no matter how untimely or unexpected.

  I lay back in the bed, letting my mind wander to a world somewhere off in the distance. Whether it could ever be real, ever be ours or not, I had no idea, but I liked thinking about it. In this world, Dane was mine and I was his, and we had a baby. In this world, we could go out in public and he could hold my hand and laugh with me. In this world, we lived in the same house and he rocked our little girl to sleep at night. In this world, we weren’t who we are. We were who we wanted to be.

  My heart rate settled back into a normal rhythm, and I found myself smiling as I thought about what might be, about what could be. I reached over to the tray Momma had brought up, and I squirreled away some crackers so I could eat a couple before I even got out of bed the next day, because I had to go to school. I had to go to school so I could skip school to sneak to the pharmacy. I’d get a pregnancy test so I’d know for sure, but suddenly, it didn’t seem like a bad thing at all to be pregnant with Dane James’ child.