Mistakes of My Past

by Emily James

  “I need to spend all the time I can with her,” I told him again.

  Tommy had yet to visit Mum at the Hospice. He said he didn’t like clinical environments, having visited his own father so often in the hospital.

  “Is it that? Or, is it to get away from me?” His jaw clenched as his arms left my waist. He took a step back and gripped me by my arms. Tommy frightened me when he was angry. I never knew if he’d punch a wall or smash up the room. He made me nervous.

  “Perhaps, I’ll just ask Stacey to come over, you know she likes me.” His words were sharp and stabbed at my already fragile self-esteem. He knew the way she pawed at him hurt me, but he taunted me anyway.

  So, I faked indifference, “That’s mature, Tommy. Why don’t you just go, if that’s what you want?”

  His arms left mine as I bent to settle Matilda’s dish on the floor. She was getting impatient, whirling around our feet.

  “Amber and her pity party. You should be nicer to me, your mother will be dead soon, and then you’ll have no-one.” He shoved his shoulder into me, forcing me back against the counter.

  My yelp stirred Matilda and she growled a warning. Tommy’s eyes narrowed toward her, and he raised his fist. I shouted, “NO!”

  Time slowed as Matilda bared her teeth, letting out a growl as she pounced and clamped her full mouth past Tommy’s knuckles. She shook her head from side to side as if pulling on a chew toy as Tommy struggled to untangle himself from her determined grip. I moved my hand down to hold Matilda’s collar, to tell her it was okay, she could let go; but I didn’t notice the thrust of Tommy’s boot until it was too late.

  His heel thumped as it struck her and she jerked back and to the side, freeing Tommy’s hand. Matilda’s yelp reverberated through the kitchen.

  “You see. You see what you caused!” Tommy yelled and stormed out of the door. I held Matilda’s lax body and wept.

  * * *

  Picking myself off the floor, I vowed not to be that person anymore. I couldn’t undo what happened to Matilda, but I could learn from it. Roxy was right, I had to stop being so fucking beige.

  * * *

  I took the trash out and spied Jed, in his police uniform, heading out on his night shift. I figured that I had eight hours where Flo could be cosy at home with me and so long as Jed’s house wasn’t burgled, he’d be none the wiser. I wasn’t sure of the local crime statistics, but the benefits of this plan surely outweighed the consequences.

  I was across the street and back in the guest house with Flo at my side within minutes. It probably should have felt wrong, but it didn’t. And, as she snored loudly from the end of my bed I felt content. I had the best night’s sleep I’d managed in months.

  The alarm went off at six and after a breakfast fit for a queen, I took Flo back across the street. I felt the familiar pull as I hung Flo’s lead back on the side of the kennel and pulled the gate closed behind me. Flo appeared to get the situation as she whined, entered the kennel and snuggled down on the blanket I'd brought her.

  I felt euphoric skipping back up the drive. The rumbling of Jed’s car caught my attention as he pulled into his driveway. I hid behind the large oak tree out front and watched him go inside. Flo didn’t even lift her head to greet him as the gate slammed shut behind him.

  Flo and Amber: 1 —Jed: 0.

  “What are you doing hiding behind a tree?” A familiar, gruff voice asked from behind me, making me jump.

  I spun around to face him. “Will, you shouldn’t sneak up on me. I could have had a knife.” I joke, my mood feeling light.

  “Point taken, perhaps I should get some vegetables?” he asked and nodded seriously, followed by a dimply grin which caused me to grin too. “You’re up early. How was Flo on her walk today?”

  “She’s getting better.” I nod and smile smugly.

  “Well, I didn’t hear her barking last night so I guess your plan is working, huh?”

  Still smiling, Will pulls a wad of papers from his back pocket. “Got a delivery coming this morning, thought I’d make an early start on the main house.”

  “Thanks for letting me know,” I say, appreciating the thought. I check that Jed’s inside his house and continue up the drive to the guest house, casting a quick glance back at Will, who’s still smiling at me.

  * * *

  In the kitchen, I turn up the heating and put the kettle on to boil. My phone chimes from my pocket.

  It’s Roxy: On way. Booked us into kickboxing tonight. Bring your Badass-Bitch!

  I’ve never tried kickboxing. I used to run, and I played in the local netball team when I was a child but, physical contact made me nervous. I considered it and decided with Roxy there for support, I’d be okay. And, it might get Bob off my back about developing healthy interests, as opposed to my constant focus on things that may never happen.

  Feeling unusually content, I decide to make Will a cup of coffee. It’s freezing outside and I figure I should try harder to get along with him. Besides, when Dad comes home, I want him to notice that I’m adjusting to normal.

  I slip my bare feet into my Converse shoes and take the coffee across to the main house. I wander along the corridor and through the dust sheets that mark makeshift doorways. It’s easy to find Will. I follow the sound of the radio and intermittent hammering.

  I lean against the doorway, holding the mug. Dust fills the air as Will uses rugged strength to pitch a mallet into the partitioned wall. He doesn’t notice my arrival, so I watch for a while as the denim stretches and contracts against his ass, as he works at tearing the wall down.

  The radio cuts out in between songs and Will bends at his waist to catch his breath for a moment. I use the silence to announce my presence by coughing. As I inhale, the dust catches in the back of my throat and I hack as I struggled for air.

  Will swings around and takes three long strides toward me as I try to expel the dust from my throat.

  “Shit. Amber, you okay?” Will says, removing his dust mask and taking the mug from me.

  “Huh-huh, I’m fine. I’m sorry I’ll make you another coffee,” I say, clearing my throat.

  “Come with me,” Will leads me outside, guiding me by my elbow. The gentle pressure causes my heart to thump and I wonder if Will can hear it, too. When we’re outside, Will takes the bottom of his T-shirt and wipes the dust from around his eyes, exposing his taut abs and V.

  My eyes unintentionally widen at the view.

  “Are you okay?” He examines the look on my face as my eyes graze up his body to his eyes, which look curious. “You shouldn’t really be in there without a hard hat and mask.”

  “I didn’t know. Sorry,” I splutter, finally coughing up the last of the dust onto the sleeve of my hoody.

  “Thanks for the coffee,” Will replies and takes a sip of the coffee. He sighs as he savours the taste.

  BEEP, BEEP, BEEP—Roxy’s car veers up the driveway and skids to a stop.

  She’s here early. I panic.

  I don’t want Roxy to tell Will that we’re off to therapy. I’m embarrassed enough around him and Roxy has no filter; I’ll have to move the conversation along swiftly. I haven’t told Roxy about Will and Roxy will want to know everything.

  “Friend of yours?” Will asks, raising an eyebrow as Roxy saunters over to us. She’s looking hot as hell in her thigh high boots and skinny jeans. She grins wickedly as she approaches and I wonder if Will thinks she’s hot too.

  “Yo! Who’s your friend, Amber?” Roxy says, teasingly fluttering her lashes.

  “Will, this is Roxy. Roxy, this is Will, the builder,” I stutter. “Roxy and I have to go, now, before we’re late… for tennis.” The remaining snow on the ground glints brighter as my face warms.

  Tennis. I shake my head and discreetly wink at Roxy, praying she gets my rubbish signals.

  “Oh yeah, tennis… My stuff’s in the car. You play… tennis, Will?” Roxy asks.

  Naked, erotic visions of tennis rush through my mind like that’s even
a thing.

  I grab Roxy by the arm and rush her toward her car before Will can respond.

  “Don’t you need your tennis things, Amber?” Roxy asks, holding back her sniggers.

  “Ha-ha, of course I do, silly me.” I turn and head back to the guest house to retrieve my keys, still gripping Roxy’s arm for support.

  “You should totally tap that, girl, he is fine. He can serve up some balls in my court any day. In fact, I'm going to let you have him, you totally deserve his serve. I’ll bet his swing is just the ding-a-ling.” Roxy sniggers as she takes a seat at the island.

  I’m thinking of a rebuke to her comments when Roxy turns in her seat to look over my shoulder.

  Too brazen to be embarrassed that he’s obviously heard her, Roxy sings, “Hi Will.”

  I close my eyes and cringe.

  “Ladies,” Will greets us again. “I just came through to use the bathroom, if that’s okay? Water’s not on in the main house.”

  He knows that I’m aware the water is off in the main house. But, I’m too embarrassed to turn and face him so I point upstairs and breathe a sigh of relief as his back advances around the corner.

  Shaking my head, I mouth the word: dick, to Roxy.

  “Oh, you want to see his dick all right,” she says in a fit of laughter.

  “We’re leaving, now. Will can lock up behind us.” I storm out the kitchen and go wait in Roxy’s car. That was more embarrassment than I can handle for one day.

  After a long wait, Roxy joins me. Fresh red lips offer me a pouting smile. “Don’t worry. I didn’t tell Will that you totally want to bone him.”

  “Roxy, you know I can’t. I’m damaged goods. Besides, as if someone like him would ever look twice at someone like me,” I muse.

  “Did you look in the mirror? Ambs, you’re a total hottie and Will knows it for sure. He was checking out your ass the whole time. You got to get over yourself. You got your fresh start, enjoy it. Enough with the fucking woe me, I’m so screwed up routine!”

  “Alright, I’ll stop. He is quite cute,” I admit. “But he has a girlfriend and I’m not ready to date. How about we just work on me being able to have a normal conversation with the opposite sex?”

  Roxy puts the car into reverse and backs down the driveway. “Aw, honey, you’re so on!”

  * * *

  Bob starts therapy by asking me what’s new. I gush for a while as I tell him about Flo and the plans for the house until my voice trails off and my positivity evaporates. Bob listens and nods, scratching comments on his notepad.

  “You want to tell me why Flo evokes such sadness?” Bob asks.

  So I do, and the words pour from me. The night Tommy hurt Matilda and what ensued.

  * * *

  I spent the night with Mum at the hospice. She had a rough night and I wondered if there was truth in Tommy’s comments that I was wearing her out.

  When I got home, I let myself into the house and Tommy crept up behind me. He was remorseful, scared of losing me. He said that he couldn’t bear to see me in pain, that he hit Matilda because he thought he was protecting me.

  “The whole world could cave in, Amber, and I’d use my last breath to make sure you’re safe,” he told me, tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. “You’re made for me. I won’t go on without you.” He apologised over and over again.

  My life was disintegrating in every direction and I needed someone to hold me back together.

  My head yelled at me not to trust him, but my heart ached for the tenderness that his embrace promised. I selfishly fell into his arms and sobbed as he anchored me back to the earth.

  My respite was short lived and, six days later, Tommy explained, with mock tears in his eyes, that he’d taken Matilda for a walk. He’d seen me walk her without a lead, so he didn’t bother to use one. Matilda was unruly and spoiled. She ran off and got hit by a truck. It wasn’t his fault. If I walked her with a lead, the accident would never have happened. The vet said there was no choice, she was suffering…

  I later found out it didn’t happen like that at all.

  Chapter 11

  Will

  Fresh from the shower, I call out to Cody to get a move on. She’s packing up as though she’s moving in with Amber.

  Amber… I quell the thought. I’d followed her and Roxy into the kitchen to put my cup in the sink. I was all stirred up after hearing Roxy tease Amber and ended up pacing in the bathroom until they left. When I came back into the kitchen, marked on the white veneer cupboard, in bright red lipstick were the words: Who’s beautiful and blushes like a strawberry at Wimbledon?

  I grinned as I read the answer —Amber.

  I guessed it was her crazy friend Roxy that wrote it. I was pretty sure that Amber would be embarrassed to read it, but since she ought to know that she is pretty cute when she’s flushed, I left it for her to see when she came home. I would have liked to have stuck around to see her face but I had to get going to pick up Cody from soccer practice.

  “Why are you dressed in a shirt?” Cody peers in, catching me off guard.

  “Candace booked The Four Seasons. It’s how refined people dress when they eat,” I say, tugging at the collar of my shirt.

  “So, why are you dressed like that?” Cody folds her arms and laughs. She’s making me even more nervous, I already feel a fool.

  “Hey, I can do refined.” I look in the mirror and see that tissue is still stuck to my face where I cut myself shaving.

  “If you say so,” Cody chimes, pulling her backpack over her shoulders and heading downstairs.

  * * *

  Since Brook and Turner Architecture were hired to complete the drawings, I’ve seen a lot of Candace. She knows that I need to rebuild the firm that Dad left me. It had nigh on killed me laying Pete and Doug off last month. I need to get things back on track and Candace is full of promises for new contracts. If I can get through tonight and sign the contracts, I can repay Patrick and grow Dad’s company to honour his memory.

  “So, I told her if it’s last season’s, I’m just not wearing it.” Candace guffawed and half the restaurant turned to stare. I hadn’t noticed before how annoying Candace’s laugh was. She’d also spent the whole of the starter course telling me about her dress.

  I only said she looked nice.

  My phone chimed from my jacket pocket, apologizing, I take it out.

  Unknown: Sorry to interrupt your date. Cody has been hounding me to remind you to stop for ice cream on the way home. Amber

  Will: Not a date. Be back in 1 hour. With ice cream ;)

  Why was I so quick to tell Amber it wasn’t a date and why didn’t Cody use her own phone? Candace waffles on, but I don’t take in what she’s saying or why she keeps cackling full blast. I smile and nod, hoping it’s the right thing to do.

  When we’re done eating, Candace waits expectantly for me to pay the bill and we leave the restaurant. It’s freezing and large pools of ice grip the pavement. Candace totters in ridiculous spiky heels, gripping my arm just to stay upright.

  We reach her car and she tells me, “Thank you, Will. I had a lovely evening.”

  “No problem. Thanks for preparing the contract,” I tell her, high with relief.

  Candace pauses at the driver’s door of her car, twirling the key in her hands. I start to wonder why she doesn’t just get in her car already, before my balls get frostbite.

  To hurry her along I tell her, “I’d better get going,” and I un-loop my arm from hers.

  Candace grips at my elbow with her hand and leans her face up to mine, closing her eyes. It dawns on me why walking her back to her car is taking so long. Shit. She’s expecting a kiss. Not wanting to be rude, I veer to the side and aim for her cheek. I’m not prepared for her strike as she swings to catch me on the mouth. Our noses smack as Candace’s lips pounce on mine like a cat after a mouse. Our lips skim for a second before I stagger back dumbstruck.

  “Be seeing you then,” I say, and completely dumbfounded I retre
at to the safety of my truck.

  * * *

  I pull up at Amber’s and phone Pete and Doug, my partners in crime, to tell them the good news. They'd always known as soon as the work came in, they’d be back on site. The news is welcome.

  “Will, my man. Your timing couldn’t be better, with Sophie due to pop at any moment. A better wage will sure come in handy.”

  The layoff had hit Doug especially hard, not that he’d ever call me out on it.

  “How is Sophie?” I ask.

  “Whiney and aggressive, not much different. Ow! She punched me.”

  “Ha! Man, I’d better let you get back to your evening. I’ll call you once I’m ready for you at Patrick’s.”

  “Ready when you are. Oh, and Will…”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m proud of you; your old man would be too. We’re back in the game!”

  “Thanks, man. Give my love to Sophie.” I hang up feeling buoyant.

  * * *

  I knock gently on the back door and let myself in, Amber’s expecting me, right?

  I’d driven back in a haze after my brush with Candace. Where did she get the impression our business meal would end with a kiss? Shaking the thought from my head, I grab spoons and head to the den.

  The television is on, but the screen is black, the movie must have ended. Cody’s spread across the couch, her head in Amber’s lap.

  Amber murmurs quietly in her sleep. I’m thankful she’s sleeping better, even though her head’s propped at an awkward angle against the arm of the couch.

  They’re so adorable, I wonder if I should just sit on the loveseat and wait for one of them to wake up. I decide that Amber must be uncomfortable so I kneel next to her and gently nudge at her, whispering her name to wake her, which she does, suddenly and with a start.

  “Will?” she gasps. Her hair’s fallen across her face, so I absent-mindedly push it back so I can see her eyes.

  “Hey. I brought ice cream. I guess you two couldn’t handle the excitement.” I pull Cody’s head off her lap, settling her on a cushion. Cody doesn’t stir. “She could sleep standing up,” I joke.