Mistakes of My Past

by Emily James

  “I-um, well, there's not much to tell. I was home schooled. I didn't really have many friends my own age. I hung out with folks at the older person’s complex, the one that my mum delivered books to.” She looks at me from the corner of her eye, checking my reaction. I nod for her to continue. “I went to Uni, but I didn’t finish my degree. I made a few friends, though, but they were all partying and I couldn't really stay involved with that when Mum got sick, so we drifted apart. I wanted to be a teacher. Maybe one day I'll get back to that.”

  “Is it over with that Tommy guy?” I hold my breath waiting for confirmation and stroke the area where her hair hides her tattoo. Amber quickly bends and makes a fuss of Flo.

  “I think so. I haven't heard from him in a while.” Amber’s voice is thick with emotion. She glances at me and I nod. I'm not sure what that means, but she doesn't look comfortable discussing him so I leave it there for now.

  I grab the Frisbee from Flo and toy with it, pretending to throw it. Flo’s impatient and jumps up, pushing me back. There's some logs marking the trail and I stumble back. Flo takes her opportunity to take the Frisbee, knocking me back further and I land.

  Square. In. The. Mud.

  Amber’s eyes widen and her mouth is agape. Shock registers on her features as she waits for my reaction. Flo hops from side to side. She seems to find my situation quite entertaining. I laugh because I'm embarrassed. Amber’s face turns up and she laughs and then snorts, which just makes her laugh more.

  “Help a guy up?” I say and I hold out my right hand. My left hand is ready with a palm of soil flavoured retribution. Amber continues to giggle as she steps through the soggy dirt to grab my hand. She pulls, but I do too, and she's not expecting the force as I pull her down, cushioning her fall with my lap. I take my left hand and bring it toward her so she can register my intent. “Amber. Amber. Amber,” I like how her name sounds on my lips. “Did no one ever tell you it's rude to point and laugh?”

  “ARGH, WILL, YOU WOULDN’T?” Amber giggles some more as I tickle her sides. She thrashes about and I love seeing her so abandoned of all her worry and fear. I’m laughing hard along with her.

  “I think as we're friends and all, it’s only fair if I have to walk back to the truck like a mud slipper, you do too.”

  “No. Will, ha ha…” Amber’s high pitched squeal catches in her throat as I take my hand and holding her sides with my other arm wipe the mud across her pink coloured cheeks. Amber laughs and snorts and she's so adorable I kiss her, the force of the urge catching me by surprise. Amber returns my kiss, deepening it; she finds my tongue and strokes it gently with hers. When she lets out a small groan in my mouth, I have to stop and come up for air before we end up with mud on more than just our clothes.

  Amber giggles as Flo sits patiently with her head to one side.

  “I think Flo might be a bit voyeuristic.” Not unlike her owner, I think, and shake the thought off. No one is spoiling today.

  “Let's get you home, you mucky girl.” I wink and help her up.

  “I love it when you talk dirty,” Amber purrs and grins. Her tongue innocently licks at her bottom lip in a move that in so unintentionally hot I involuntary run my finger over the moist spot and kiss her once more before we walk back to the car, holding hands.

  * * *

  “So, this is British food?” Cody stares down at the beige and brown congealed mess on our plates. My mouth hooks up in a smile. “And, it's made from actual shepherds? Is that even legal over here, Will?”

  “Cody, we're not going to let a small thing like homicide get in the way of enjoying the delicious meal that Amber has prepared for us.” I grin at Amber, who can't keep the joke up, so she starts to giggle.

  “It's not actual shepherds, silly. It's called that because it's made of lamb mince and it’s just mashed potatoes on top, not brain or anything.”

  Cody looks down at her food and grimaces. “In for a penny, in for a pound,” Cody says as she looks at Amber to check she got the phrase right. Amber nods and Cody smiles back and loads her fork.

  “It’s an interesting combination. Reminds me of the baby food I used to feed Cody,” I joke, even Amber looks like she’s not enjoying the food.

  “I think the potatoes over here must be… different. At home they’re not lumpy or yellow.” She looks confused and picks up her plate, dumping the contents in the garbage. “Stop eating you two, it’s awful. I don’t know what I did, but it shouldn’t taste like this.”

  “What is that smell?” Cody chimes and at that moment the fire alarm goes off.

  “Damn it!” Amber rushes to the oven and pulls out the charred remains. “I ruined the apple crumble,” Amber pouts.

  I walk up behind her and put my hands on her shoulders. “So you suck at cooking. You had to have one flaw, right? It’d be humanly impossible to be so beautiful, smart, and a good cook. How about I cook us something?”

  “Yeah—so what’s your flaw?” Amber asks, still pouting.

  I’m thinking of a smart comment when Cody blurts, “He farts real loud, all the time.”

  Amber bites her lip to keep from smiling.

  “I do not!” I object. My eyebrows must be standing on end in surprise.

  “Don’t let that put you off him, though, Amber. I’m really looking forward to getting a sister now you guys are an item. If you came and lived with us, you could sleep in my room anytime you like.” Cody’s smile is massive and her comments take us both by surprise. I look to Cody and then to Amber, who looks as though she’s gone into shock, her thoughts in a faraway place.

  “I’ll um. I’ll get pizza. You guys must be starving.” She’s struggling into her coat after trying to put her arm into the hood. She grabs her keys and says, “I’ll be right back.”

  I need to stop her before she over analyses Cody's comments, so I grab her around the waist and gently pull her to a stop.

  “Cody, go grab the meatloaf from the freezer at our place,” I say and toss Cody the keys from my pocket. Cody grabs them and heads out the door. I turn Amber around in my arms before she bolts for the door. “You are not going to freak out about what Cody just said, okay?”

  “But what if…”

  “You are perfect, but Cody and I are not your problem. If this doesn’t work out she’ll be okay. I don’t want you to worry. There is zero pressure. She’s seven. She thinks she’s in love with Harry what’s-his-face. It’ll be Justin whatever next week.”

  “I just don’t want to let her down or disappoint her.” Amber looks up at me, meeting me square in the eyes. “Or you,” she says, her eyes look glazed and I can't stand to see her worry. I hug her tight and rest my forehead against hers.

  “You couldn’t ever let us down or disappoint us.” I pull away and look firmly in her eyes. “Now, pour yourself a glass of wine. You are about to witness a culinary masterpiece.” I wink and look for the knife block, which oddly, is hidden in the cupboard under the island.

  Chapter 18

  Amber

  We’re sitting at the bar at The Roadhouse. It's Saturday night, the place is packed and Roxy is twenty-three today.

  “George! Tequila slammers and one for you!” Roxy hollers to be heard over the band playing. “Knock this back and then we're dancing.”

  “One shot, since it’s your birthday and then I am sticking to beer. I’m not so good at drinking, I usually puke,” I warn her.

  “No way, Amber, don’t you dare do that. We are young and free, and tonight we are having a blast. You are my best friend and where I come from friends don’t be spoilsports on friend’s birthdays. Besides, you’re British, haven’t you been drinking since you were like eighteen, legally?”

  “Well yeah, but I don’t like to get out of control.”

  “I got your back, Ambs, always. Don’t make me celebrate alone.” Roxy downs her shot and chases it with beer. An uneasy feeling settles in my stomach. I know today is also the first anniversary of the night Roxy was attacked by her dad’s int
ern. Her dad had thrown a fancy twenty-first birthday party where she’d been fighting off his advances all night. He’d finally gone too far when she’d gone outside for some air. Roxy told me this while we were both at Hope and she made me promise never to mention it again.

  The thought saddens me so I resolve to make an effort to make this a special birthday. I down my shot and chase it with beer, which causes us to both fist bump and laugh.

  “So, how does it feel to be one year older, one year wiser?” My words sound different because my tongue is slightly numbed from the tequila.

  “It’s not so bad. I went to the gym this morning, got asked on a date by our kickboxing trainer and successfully avoided my dad’s calls and texts.”

  “Do you think you’ll ever forgive your dad for not believing you?”

  “Would you forgive your dad, in the same situation?” she asks. I wonder if in Roxy’s shoes, whether I would forgive my dad. Roxy’s dad had assumed she was lying, that the intern wasn’t forcing himself on her and that Roxy had let her angry behaviour respond to ‘high jinks’. He considered that she had a previous history of volatile behaviour and like a typical lawyer, he based his thinking on whether it would stand up in court—lack of evidence, case closed.

  “I could literally punch your father in the face for being such an ass-hat. But he’s your only family, and my dad is my only family, so I don’t know, maybe I’d forgive him if he was really sorry.” I offer her a small smile, knowing that it’s not my forgiveness of my father that will ever be the issue. It’s the forgiveness that I will need from my dad that will make or break me. I sometimes wish he had made more mistakes of his own, so I had the leverage I needed to beg his forgiveness.

  Roxy looks at me, disbelieving. “Fuck that, Amber. You forgive everyone. You have got to stop being such a pussy! You’re supposed to be working on that shit,” she yells and offers me a huge red lipped smile that catches the attention of a small group of guys down the end of the bar.

  “And, you are supposed to be working on your anger. Last week, you tripped Katie from kickboxing and I swear if you keep calling creepy Jed, Ned, I’m going to ban you from the house. You’ve even got Cody doing it,” I despair. “That Bart accent is going to get you in trouble or worse Cody when she mimics you at school and gets put on report.”

  “Whatever, Katie deserved it. She was making fun of your lame kicks and you want to watch that Jed guy, he is bad news.”

  “What a bitch! My kicks are not lame,” I instantly feel annoyed. “I offered her my space at the front because she told me she can’t follow the instructor properly from behind.”

  “It’s because you’re too nice and she’s jealous the instructors are always checking you out. If she stretches any harder for his attention, those big old fake tits are going to pop right out.”

  I sigh. “Jed is a bit weird. I asked him last week if I could just buy Flo from him, offered the last of my money from Mum’s necklace and he said no. He said he likes her as an excuse to keep seeing me. It’s not like I can call the cops, on the cop, for being a shit pet owner.”

  “You need to cut her loose. Take her to the shelter out of town and let them find her someone who’ll take care of her, then that asshole will have nothing on you.” Roxy points a painted finger at me to hammer the point, and then, suddenly remembering my predicament yells, “Hey—it’s been fricking ages. Why didn’t you get your money sorted yet? I’ve Googled Boland Manor. You’re loaded, so don’t feed me this shit about your money not being sorted, like you do your dad.”

  Because Tommy has it all and I’m scared if I cut him, off he’ll ruin me.

  I take a sip of my beer to put her off for a moment and stammer, “I-um, they said it’s something to do with a computer error. Hey, that guy over there is totally checking you out. I thought you wanted to dance, come on it’s your birthday.” I grab Roxy by the hand and try to whirl her around. But she’s strong and holds still, pausing, checking my face, she knows I’m lying.

  “He still has it, doesn’t he? That bastard is still living in your mother’s house, spending your money. Why? Because you’re afraid to tell him enough is enough? Because he is across the fucking Atlantic, he ain’t coming here for you. Has he not ruined you enough? Fuck, Amber, all my life I’ve had guys ruining shit for me, and here you are just giving that bastard free reign.” She looks really angry. I don’t blame her. When she says it like that, it sounds really lame. But she doesn’t know all the facts. She knows most of them, but not the one I’m most ashamed of.

  “Hey, I am getting tougher. My martial arts are getting better. I’m running again. I even have the confidence to work in a bar. All things I never thought I’d get to do when I got to Hope. I went on a date with a guy and I’m getting closer to my dad. I trust you. You are my best friend and I promise I will get to that. I’ve just been too busy enjoying my freedom, that’s all. All this stuff I’ve achieved, I couldn’t have got here without you.” I look at Roxy and hold her hand. I can tell by her eyes she is softening to my comments.

  “Well, you have done pretty great. But we made a vow. No more letting guys walk all over us.”

  “I know, and we’re not. We’re also not being too soft or too violent,” I wink, “and we are definitely celebrating, let me get us some more shots.” I smile, and Roxy shouts, “Hell yeah!”

  * * *

  To say it had been a while since I had been drunk is like suggesting the sea is a bit wet. The thought makes my already dry, scratchy throat almost stick together.

  I try to sit up, but my head is thumping. I groan, unprepared for the weight of the bowling ball inside my head and decide to abandon that idea and hug my pillow instead, wishing the power of thought could conjure some water to quench my thirst.

  “There’s a glass of water and two Tylenol next to you.” I look up, shocked to see Will in the doorway, wearing just a pair of shorts. I swallow hard, which is no easy task with a throat as dry as mine, and stare at him wondering. A crazy thought pops in my head and I quickly check under the covers. I'm in the same granny knickers and sparkly top I'd put on before I went out with Roxy.

  “We didn't um - if that's what you were wondering?” Will says as he walks into my room and sits on the end of the bed.

  It's indecent. He doesn't have a muffin top or excess body hair. He's breath taking.

  “Is there something wrong with me?” I ask him aloud. “I mean, huh-huh…” I clear my throat. “I mean, of course, we didn't. I knew that, silly.”

  “You sure? 'Cos you were pretty wasted last night.”

  Damn it, how do I find out what he knows, without asking him what he knows? I can't remember anything past dancing... I clasp my head in my hands, the thumping is getting louder.

  “Oh my God. Did you see me dance the Macarena?” My face flushes and I cringe. Please say this is a dream.

  “It's not a dream.” What the... “Here, drink this and take these.” Will hands me the water and pills, which I drink down thirstily. “I didn't know if you were much of an eater with a hangover but I have all the ingredients for waffles downstairs. Just say the word and I'll get to it.”

  My stomach spins and the water I just drank does a U-turn. Will hands me the bathroom bin which conveniently sits at the side of my bed and I heave. Not a graceful little wretch, but an up from the toes he-ee-aa-ve.

  With the contents of my stomach securely deposited in the bin, Will hands me another glass of water. “Not a hangover eater then, duly noted,” Will taps his head.

  I thank him for the water and take small sips this time, not sure I’ve seen the last of the vomit.

  “So last night was crazy, huh?” I say, watching his face for a clue as to why he’s in a state of undress in my bedroom, the morning after the night before. “Where’s Roxy?” I ask, remembering the pole dancing. “Were you there for the pole dancing? Oh God, please say you weren't.”

  “Pole dancing, huh?” Will’s smiling. “Ah, sadly I missed that part. But
the other patrons at the bar told me it was quite the show.” Smugness creeps along Will’s jaw. He knows I don’t remember a damned thing and I cuss myself for getting in this state. He continues, “George called me to come pick you both up after you fell asleep on the bar. Roxy’s downstairs asleep on the couch. So, all in all, it sounds like a fun night.”

  “I’m sorry he called you. Where’s Cody? Did she see me drunk? God, I’m so sorry.” I’m frowning; I don’t want to disappoint Cody. Will rubs the little crease that must have formed between my eyes.

  “Cody had a sleepover party to go to, she won’t be back until tonight. Besides, you're cute when you’ve been drinking. You were just blowing off a little steam, that’s all. And, I got a payoff for hauling your drunken ass out of the bar.” Will tucks my hair behind my ear, his dimples deepen and I’m lost for words. “You said I was, 'Your Will'.” I cringe. “Will, Will the boy who gives me thrills and chills.”

  “It’s official, I am never drinking again. Take that smug look off your face, Denver, obviously, I meant something completely different to whatever you thought I meant.”

  “You like me. I’m a likeable guy, so it’s understandable. Do I need to get you drunk to admit that?”

  Will chuckles and even though I feel vulnerable and exposed I admit it, “I do like you, too much. I’m terrified I’ll end up getting hurt.”

  “Never.”

  “Never? Will, there’s things you don’t know about me, things you might not like about me if you knew.”

  “So tell me, I’ll like you anyway, let me prove it to you.”

  “I…”

  Something shifts from downstairs and Roxy hollers up to me, “Amber, you going to get your lazy butt downstairs?”

  “Just going to shower and I’ll be down,” I call back to Roxy.

  “Need any help?” Will asks. I shake my head, embarrassed, and he leaves the room to give me some privacy.

  What the hell am I doing embarking on a grownup relationship? He’ll want to know stuff and he’ll want to do stuff. Am I ready? I head into the bathroom, I need some alone time to figure things out.